Chapter 9
Anxiety vs. Nostalgia.
I clicked on the light in the studio after closing the door behind me.
Today was an off day for the dancers, but I’d come in while it was quiet so I could iron out a few details of one of the dances I’d choreographed while Dawn had a meeting with her team.
For the most part, it was a great dance, but there were still a few parts that I thought could be better.
I was nothing if not a perfectionist at my craft.
It was a blessing, but I also knew that it could be a hindrance sometimes, too, especially when I got so hyper-focused on making a dance that I’d stress myself out.
I was hoping that I didn’t do that this time around, but I had a feeling that it was inevitable.
I quickly pulled out the small stone that Dawn had gifted me with not too long ago and rubbed it gently.
“Just have fun with it, Raine,” I tell myself as I place my belongings on one of the benches. I returned the stone to the small compartment of my bag where I kept it and took a deep breath. “We can do this.”
I undress from my tracksuit to reveal tights and a sports bra, my usual dance attire. I removed the scrunchie from my wrist to tie up my hair and then grabbed my phone to connect it to the speakers and turn on my favorite playlist. Music boomed through the speakers, and I was immediately locked in.
I started with a few stretches to get my blood pumping.
My body warmed up as my bones loosened more with every movement.
Stretching was one of those necessary steps that I always made sure those who took my dance class remembered.
Without this step, the chances of injuring yourself, especially if you were hitting moves you hadn’t in a while, grew.
And the last thing I wanted was to pull something before the tour even started.
That would not be a good look whatsoever.
After a good ten minutes of stretching, I switched the music over to the song I planned on fixing the choreo for.
Once again, the music blasted, but this time, Dawn’s slightly husky, honey-drenched voice floated around the room, blending with the mellow sounds of the beat.
My body moved along to it as I got lost in not only the moves but also her voice.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve grown to become such a fangirl of Dawn’s music.
I mean, even before we were officially an item, I was a fan, but after having listened to damn near her whole upcoming tour setlist on repeat to come up with dances to match, I’ve fallen deeper in love with everything about her sound.
It was clearer than ever to me why she’d blown up as quickly as she did and why she’d won artist of the year so many years in a row.
She had a gift, and the pride I felt to be the one she chose to choreograph for her was even greater now.
“And left, right, turn,” I say outloud as I move along to the beat, nodding my head. “Yeah, this looks good. Let me just run through it once more.”
I quickly walk over to my bag to retrieve my backup phone and tripod. I always carried these with me while I was practicing because I loved to record myself and watch it back. That way, it was easier for me to catch my mistakes and plan out how to fix them.
“Okay, Rainey,” I said to myself after everything was set up. I hit the record button, then stand in place. “Hey, Siri! Play Beautiful Intentions by vibesatdawn.”
The music plays once again, and I give the dance my all for the full three and a half minutes.
I could feel myself hitting every beat, and whenever my eyes connected with my body in the mirror, excitement bubbled up inside of me.
This was my choreography to the song of a world-famous R hell, I was terrified when I performed for the first time.
But after the initial anxiety, you’re gonna be good. ”
“And what if I mess up?”
“Then you mess up,” she nods, and my eyebrows furrow.
“But then you keep going. Own that shit, baby girl. There’s nothing more professional than knowing how to pivot when things don’t go the way you plan.
In this industry, you always have to be prepared for the inevitable, and mistakes are one of those instances.
Nobody’s perfect, but as long as you go out there and give it your all, you’ll feel good in the end. ”
I nodded, letting her advice settle. She was right, and I told her as such.
There had been many times in the past when I’d talk myself out of things because I was scared of failing.
Scared of letting people down. Scared of being what I’d been told for years that I was, not good enough.
Being told that these feelings were valid and that I shouldn’t let them rule me was all the motivation I needed.
I pulled Dawn closer to me and kissed her tenderly.
She replied by pulling me into her lap and deepening it.
I let myself be enveloped in her warmth and all the affection she had for me.
My nerves eased, and my anxiety melted away.
It was at that moment that I realized that she was one of my comfort people.
When I was around her, all of my problems seemed to fade away.
But that’s not to say that she was the solution to all of my problems, but more so a welcome constant reminder that things could always get better.
That I deserved better. She introduced so much compassion and softness into my life that I had never felt from a partner before.
She was the warmth and patience that I craved.
She was the push and encouragement that I needed.
She was so damn amazing.
“Okay, mamas,” she chuckles as we break apart. “I got a proposition for you.”
“A proposition?” I question. She nods, standing.
“Yes, ma’am.” She holds her hand out, and I take it, allowing her to pull me to my feet. “How about you take a break from choreographing and instead teach me a few moves?”
“Wait, you wanna dance?” I ask, equally shocked and excited. She nods. “Well, okay, sure! But you know I won’t go easy on you, right?”
“Mm, that’s hot,” she flirts, cocking her head to the side. “Don’t go easy on me, baby. Give me everything.”
“Oh my god, you’re so freaked out,” I chuckle, and she winks at me before smacking my ass. I swat her away as she runs over to the center of the room. I turn on some music and then join her. “Okay, Dawnie. Follow my lead.”
“Heard, chef!”
I giggle before leading her into stretches.
She groans about having to do this first, but I explain to her the importance of it.
She gives me a hard time, but it’s nothing too serious.
Once the stretching is done, I try my best to teach her a few steps from an easier version of some choreo I came up with to one of her songs.
It’s adorable seeing her trying to keep up with me, especially since she has two left feet, but she does surprisingly well in the end.
One dance turns into two, but by the third dance, all structure was thrown out of the window, and we were legit having a dance party featuring a playlist of songs from our childhood.
Nostalgia hit us in waves as the muscle memory kicked in when certain songs played.
I swear, it had been a long time since I’d laughed this hard.
This feeling was one I’d only ever gotten with Ginger during our many sleepovers when we were younger, and that time with that one kid at the park all those years ago.
I’d forgotten just how good it felt to let go and be free.
I needed to feel that more often, and I had a feeling that being with Dawn would afford me that opportunity, and I loved that for me. For us.
“Damn, I’m tired,” she sighed as we collapsed on the floor beside each other. Our breathing was heavy, and I could see Dawn’s face glowing a beet-red color. She glanced over at me. “That was fun as hell. We should do that more often, right?”
“I agree,” I nodded. There was a beat of silence between us before I said, “Thank you, by the way. I needed that break to clear my mind. I’d really stressed myself out and spiraled, but now I feel more grounded.”
“I’m happy to hear that,” she says, sitting up. I do so as well. “Whenever you need to get away from it all and clear your mind, just know that I’m always here, okay? I gotchu, love.”
“And I appreciate it,” I smile right as my stomach growls. I chuckle. “I guess that’s another sign that I need to get up outta here, huh?”
“Sure is,” she nods, standing. She helps me up as well. “How does chicken and rice and gravy sound for dinner?”
“Oooh, are you gonna cook for me?” I ask, smiling sweetly, and she nods.
“Of course, my love,” she nods. “It’ll finally give me a chance to show you that your girl can throw down.”
“Mm, well then, I’d definitely love that,” I assure her.
“Then let’s head out, baby.”
I nod, allowing her to take my hand. She guides me back over to the bench and tells me to sit as she packs up my things.
Once that’s all done, we exit the room, cutting off the light and closing the door behind us.
It only took us about ten minutes to arrive at her apartment, and I went to take a shower as she started on the food.
When I was smelling good, she went to shower, and I watched over the food.
By the time she was done, I’d fixed us both a serving, and we enjoyed the delicious meal as we binge-watched a show we’d started a few days ago.
It was a peaceful night, and I loved just being in her company like this.