8. Connor
Eight
Connor
With Emma in my arms, lightly snoring and looking so peaceful, I wondered if this was something I could do. Could I give myself away to another girl after Clair? I’d been running since that day. Never thinking I’d ever feel anything more than sexual need from another female. Yet the moment I laid eyes on Emma, everything changed. I couldn’t sit and watch another person get hurt when I was there to stop it. I couldn’t stand to see how she looked today, so pale and shaky. My heart sank, and I knew it wasn’t because I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to cherish her, and that was scarier. Messier. Feelings would get involved, and then I’d get hurt. Again.
She could have died today. She could die any day . I could fall for her, and she could leave me. I’m not sure how I ended up in this situation, but here we were. Rubbing my hand down my face, I softly shifted Emma off me and climbed out of bed as quietly as I could, hoping not to wake her up when she needed rest. Hell, I never should have been as rough as I was to begin with, but she literally begged me. How was I going to say no to that?
Slipping my boxers on, I tiptoed out of the room and into my office. I knew why I was in here, but I’m not sure if I had the nerve to do what I wanted to do. What I needed to do… maybe it was time to stop running. Admit that what happened, happened, and no matter how hard I try to pretend that it didn’t, it did. Clair was gone. She isn’t coming back, and I need to face that. Even if it’s been years.
Pulling down the one and only book Clair had ever sent me, I opened it and found her letter. The envelope was creased and soft with time, the edges slightly torn like it had been opened and sealed in my dreams a hundred times, but never in real life. The handwriting on the front, my name , in ink slightly smudged from the day she wrote it. It hadn’t changed in all the years. But everything else had.
My hands shook as I pulled out my phone and scrolled down to Tyler . I hesitated, my thumb hovering over the call button. Tyler had always been the solid one. The protector. The older brother who had everything figured out. I knew it was late, but I also knew Tyler, and he’d drop anything to answer my call. Especially knowing I wasn’t the type to reach out, yet here I was doing it twice in one day. Technically it was past midnight, so it wasn’t exactly the same day.
He didn’t know I had been in love. He didn’t know I had lost her. He definitely didn’t know I had been carrying this letter around like it might explode. A letter from a ghost I’d been too scared to open. No one knew, other than Emma now.
I inhaled once, then pressed Call .
The phone rang twice before Tyler’s voice came on, concerned and tired. “You in jail again?” he asked with a laugh.
“Are you going to answer the phone like that every time?” I rolled my eyes.
“Probably. Hey, how’d the date go? Sean sent a message saying he saw you two at the hospital. Everything okay?”
“Yeah, her blood sugar dropped again. She’s okay. She’s sleeping.”
“Wait, you’re still with her?”
“Yeah.”
“You okay?”
I closed my eyes, exhaling through my nose. “Uh. You got a minute? I know it’s late.”
“Yeah, everything okay?”
“No,” I said quietly. “Not really.”
He paused on the other end, then there was the rustling sound of him moving. “Talk to me.”
“I need to tell you something… and I don’t know how to say it without it sounding completely insane.”
“I’m listening.”
I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. “Do you remember when I was ten… I used to always check the mail? Made sure no one else did?”
“Yeah,” Tyler said slowly. “I always thought you were just being a weird little kid.”
“I wasn’t. I was talking to someone. A penpal.”
“A girl?”
I nodded, even though Tyler couldn’t see me. “Her name was Clair.”
“And she was like… your girlfriend or something?”
“Something like that.”
“I never knew you dated anyone.”
“That’s because I never told anyone. We kept it between us. For ten years. I don’t even know why. Maybe because it felt too good. Too safe. Like, if the world knew, it would ruin it. They wouldn’t understand how I loved someone I had never met.”
Tyler was quiet on the other end, letting me know to keep going.
“We talked in secret. Fell in love in secret. And then… when we were twenty…” my voice cracked. “She killed herself.”
“Connor…”
“It was the day I had gone out there to meet her for the first time. Remember when I went on that random-ass vacation by myself? That’s when. I showed up at the spot we agreed on, and she wasn’t there. She left me a letter. I came home and… closed myself off. I sat on my bed. I held it in my hands. And then I… I couldn’t open it.”
“You’ve never read it?” Tyler asked gently.
“No. It’s been years, and it’s still sealed. I just… I’ve been scared, Ty. Scared it would say it was my fault. Scared to know that she was hurting and I missed it. Or worse… that she loved me and it still wasn’t enough to make her stay. I didn’t notice. I didn’t save her.”
“Connor,” Tyler said, firm but gentle. “That letter isn’t about blame. It’s a piece of her, the last one she left behind. Maybe it’s not clean or easy or comforting, but it’s hers . And I think she gave it to you for a reason.”
“I keep thinking if I read it, something will break in me,” I whispered.
“Maybe it will,” Tyler agreed. “But maybe that’s what has to happen for something better to grow in its place.”
I felt the tears building behind my eyes, my jaw tightening as I tried to hold them back. I knew he was talking about Emma without coming straight out and saying it.
“I think I’ve been running from love ever since,” I admitted. “I didn’t even realize it, but every time someone got close, I pulled away. Because if she could leave, anyone could. And if I didn’t let anyone in… they couldn’t hurt me like that again. It’s why I notice everything. Why I was so fucking concerned about Emma and mad at her for not telling me about her sugar.”
“But they also can’t love you, either,” he reminded me. “You don’t have to keep punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.”
I didn’t answer right away. My throat was tight. My chest hurt in that deep, buried kind of way that only surfaced when the pain became too much, and then I wondered if Clair felt this same pain that night while I was packing and imagining a future with her.
“Will you stay on the phone with me?” I asked.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I put my phone on speaker, setting it down and grabbing the letter. My hands shook, but this time… I didn’t stop.
I slid my finger under the flap. And finally opened it.
Dear Connor,
I don’t really know how to start this. Maybe because I don’t want to. Maybe because if I do, it means it’s real, and I’ve already spent so much time pretending I’m okay that writing the truth feels like betrayal.
If you’re reading this, it means the monster won. I guess I should have told you years ago that I have depression. I hid it from you and lied to you. All those times you asked if I was okay, and I always said yes.
I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay in the slightest, but you made things better. Who knew that someone I met when I was ten for a school project would be the man I give my heart, soul, and mind to? Every time I said I loved you, it wasn’t a lie. The feelings I had for you weren’t a lie. I wanted to meet you. God, I did so badly. But tonight, the monster is winning. I keep telling myself to hold off, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like I’m relying on you to make me happy, and that isn’t fair to you. You don’t deserve a girl like me.
The truth is… I’m tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes. It’s the kind of tired that’s deep in your bones. The kind that makes it hard to breathe, to smile, to even get out of bed. You’ve noticed it, haven’t you? In the way I go quiet. In the way I forget things you say to me. I was trying so hard to stay here for you. I swear I was.
You were always the light in my darkness, but even light can feel far away when the shadows are this thick. It’s not your fault. Please don’t ever think it is. If anything, you’re the reason I lasted this long. Your love was the rope I held onto when I was dangling over the edge. Every text, call, and even letter was the reason I was able to make it this long.
But I think I’ve gone too far this time.
I don’t want you to remember me like this. Because even through the depression, I was more than a broken and fading person. I want you to remember the way I laughed at the dumbest jokes, the way we fell asleep together every night on the phone, and the way I looked at you like you were the only real thing in this world. Because you were.
If there’s a world beyond this one, I hope I find peace there. And I hope you find healing here. I need you to keep living. Keep breathing. Keep loving, even if it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Because to be loved by Connor Easton is like living a million happy lives in one day.
Don’t come looking for me. Just look up at the sky sometimes, and know that I loved you more than I ever had the words for.
I’m sorry.
Love always, Clair.
My hands trembled. The letter rested in my lap, Clair’s words still echoing in my mind like they’d been carved into the hollow spaces of my heart that she had left. My throat felt raw. My chest ached in places I didn’t know could ache. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t even think.
On the other end of the line, Tyler didn’t say a word. Just… waited.
When I finally did breathe again, it was like it was the first breath I’d taken since the day she died.
“She was tired.” I blinked, my voice cracking.
“I know,” Tyler answered softly.
“She was hurting… and I didn’t see it. Or I did, but I didn’t really see it. She was so good at hiding it. I should’ve known. I should’ve known. ”
“Connor,” Tyler barked as gently as he could, “she didn’t want you to carry that weight. She wrote it , man. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I was supposed to be her light. And she still-” My voice broke off. “She still left.”
A heavy silence settled over the both of us. Not empty, but full. With grief. With love. With everything I had locked away for too many years.
“Every word… I can still hear her voice. Like she’s right here.”
“She is , in a way.”
I looked up, eyes glossy, looking at the ceiling like I was trying to see through it and find an answer somewhere else. “She told me to keep going. Keep loving. Especially when it hurts. She knew I’d shut down. That I’d run.”
“Sounds like she knew you pretty well.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “She did. I’ve been… pushing people away for so long. I thought I was protecting myself. But really, I think I was punishing myself. Like if I moved on, it meant I was leaving her behind. Like loving someone else would erase her. If I failed her, I could fail anyone.”
Tyler’s voice came through the phone like something solid to grab onto. Always the one to speak calmly to us all. He was like our mother in that way. Taking care of everyone else. “Connor… love doesn’t erase. It adds . Loving someone new doesn’t mean you stop loving her. It just means you’re letting your heart breathe again.”
I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. “I want to stop running. I want to stop being afraid of loving someone just because I might lose them.”
“Then start here,” Tyler answered. “Start with this. You did the hardest thing tonight, Con. You opened that letter. You faced it.”
“I don’t know what to do now.”
“You don’t need to know everything yet. Just the next step.”
I stared down at Clair’s letter one more time, brushing a thumb over the final line: I loved you more than I ever had the words for.
“I think… I’m going to let Emma in.” I said suddenly.
Tyler smiled, the sound of it clear even through the phone. “I think she’d like that.”
I let out a quiet breath. The first honest one in years. “Thanks, Ty. For being here.”
“Always, little brother.”
And in that moment, with the letter folded neatly in my lap and someone else knowing, I didn’t feel quite so lost anymore. The weight wasn’t gone. It might never be, but it wasn’t all mine anymore. And that made all the difference.
* * *
I slipped back into bed, Emma snoring so quietly you really had to listen to hear it. Her breathing was so even, so calm. Like she didn’t have the day she had. Everything was fine… she was okay. But no matter how many times I told myself, I couldn’t believe it. I reached for her phone on the nightstand, the soft glow of her screen lighting up the room. I needed proof that she was okay. I knew her Dexcom was synced to her phone. I also knew it made a loud sound when her sugar was too high or low, but I wasn’t in the room. I could have missed it. If she wasn’t okay, she would tell me she was fine still, but I knew that ‘I’m fine’ didn’t always mean that.
I’d been living with a silent ghost in my chest for years. That damn letter was still echoing in my head, and yeah, maybe I was spiraling. Again .
I had a small idea what her passcode was after watching her punch it in earlier. Trying a code, her phone immediately unlocked. Her birthday backward, something I probably shouldn’t know but do anyway. I opened up her Dexcom app, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before looking. Blood sugar: 97.
I exhaled, shaking out my shoulders as the tension in my chest finally loosened its grip. She was okay.
“Connor?” Her voice was groggy, rough from sleep, but laced with curiosity. Not panic. Just… confusion.
I froze. She had caught me, and she was going to think I was fucking insane. Maybe I was. “Hey,” I blinked, trying to soften my expression as I turned to look at her. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She rubbed her eyes, sitting up slowly. “Were you… checking my Dexcom?”
“I-” Fuck. I looked down at her phone in my hand. “Yeah.”
She yawned, eyes still adjusting. “Why didn’t you just wake me up and ask?”
I hesitated. I could lie. Brush it off. Make a joke. But she deserved the truth. Because this wasn’t just about numbers. This was about fear. And love. And a past that had finally been cracked open. A future where I don’t run anymore. Even if that isn’t with Emma.
“I was scared,” I admitted. “I know that sounds stupid, but… today was a lot. You passed out, and I just… I panicked.”
Emma reached over, touching my hand gently. “Connor…”
I finally looked at her, and it hit me. How much she looked like now . Like here. Like someone alive, breathing, caring. And suddenly I couldn’t keep it in anymore. “I read Clair’s letter,” I told her, swallowing hard. “I was so afraid this whole time. Afraid of what it would say. Afraid it would tell me I wasn’t enough. That I missed something. That I broke her.”
I glanced down at my lap, then back up into her eyes that still make me breathless each time. “After you went to sleep, I called my brother, Tyler. I told him everything. And I read it.” She didn’t say anything, just squeezed my hand tighter.
Telling me it was okay, she was here. “I’ve been running from life ever since,” I sighed. “From feeling anything too deep. From getting too close. From you , even. And I’m tired of running. You being here… you challenging me. It scares the hell out of me. But not in a bad way. In the kind of way that reminds me I’m alive. And I want to stay alive. With you.”
Her eyes glazed over, and she leaned forward, pressing her forehead to mine. “You can check my Dexcom whenever you want. You can wake me up. You can hold me, or freak out, or cry. I’m not going anywhere. Even though you’re a pain in the ass.”
“I just want you to stay,” I sighed. “Even when I get it wrong. Even when I’m scared.”
“I want to give us a chance,” she smiled. “Just promise you won’t run anymore.”
“I promise.” I kissed her then, slow and gentle, like I was trying to stitch something back together, something old and broken that might - just might - still have life in it.