Chapter 14 Evan
Evan
April
Calgary, Canada
The world doesn’t stop, even if I feel like I left a piece of myself in Frankfurt. It keeps moving, faster and faster as the trimester draws to a close.
Something's off, though I couldn't explain why. Everything should be perfect. I’m the nation's hero; I'm keeping my grades high enough to pass; I go to the occasional party or go bar-hopping with friends.
Gabby has me on a limited training schedule during the off season, so I have more energy than usual.
Any other time, the excess of energy would go into hook-ups after my nights out.
I have ample opportunities, given my newfound status as campus celebrity, but every time someone starts to flirt with me, I'm not interested. It makes no sense. I’m not a player, but I’m not a monk, either.
I should be taking advantage of my results at Worlds, enjoying my fifteen minutes of fame.
No matter how much I try to convince myself, though, I’m just not that into anyone.
My ridiculous brain keeps going back to the perfect moment with Stefan when I made him come in an elevator, with nothing but a bite and a few moments of dry humping. I have never in my life felt so powerful, so satisfied, and I can’t let go of how much the memory turns me on.
Nobody else seems worth pursuing, which is more than a little terrifying.
Stefan was a fling, an enticing bit of fun while we were stuck together.
I can’t keep thinking about him, keep remembering the shock and awe on his face when he came.
I don’t do relationships; I can’t do relationships.
Not again, and absolutely not with another skater.
We haven’t spoken since I left our room in a rush to catch my taxi, and that’s fine. It’s good, for the best.
But I can’t stop thinking about him.
It's enough to drive a man crazy.
I'm in the middle of finals, and Gabby and I have been arguing about next season’s music choices for the past two weeks, when I finally break and text him.
It's because of the quad loop; I need it if I want to continue to advance, and I'm not getting it on my own.
Gabby, though an excellent coach, can't figure out what's wrong with my technique.
Quads are new enough they're not in her repertoire yet, and while we managed to figure out the toe loop and Salchow, on this one, we're stuck.
I land it sometimes, almost half the time, even, but that's not enough.
A fifty percent success rate on a good day is not going to win me Nationals, and I'm determined to do so.
If this last season has proved anything to me, it's that I can beat Alexandre, that I should be the national champion.
If anyone deserves one of those two slots I gained us for the Olympics, it's me.
After yet another frustrating couple hours of practice, I don’t go to the library for the study group I should be attending before my last final.
Instead, I go back to my apartment, sit down on my ratty, worn brown couch with the multicolored throw Mama made me, take out my phone, and scroll way back to my text thread with Stefan.
Me
Hey.
Not the best greeting, but it's that or two paragraphs explaining my dilemma.
No surprise, Stefan doesn’t jump to get back to me.
I'm sure he's living in the rink, starting to ramp up for the new season. The return text comes when I’m sitting down to a dinner of leftover Chinese, my International Health Care Systems book open and staring at me.
The book should be interesting. It's not.
I should have gone to the study session.
Stefan Petryk
Hey, it's great to hear from you!
My stomach flips when I see the name. Crap.
I'm so screwed. It takes me a moment to switch gears between studying, the spike of lust, and reading his message. When I do, I frown at my phone. Is it great? He’s been radio silent for weeks, but I'm not going to call him on it. I haven't been any better.
Me
You too. What have you been up to lately?
The three dots show up within moments. Apparently, now I've broken the ice, he's ready to talk. Well, so am I. Too ready, if anything.
Stefan Petryk
Been trying not to get too out of shape
Me
Lol. As if there's any chance of you getting out of shape.
Stefan Petryk
Two weeks touring Europe with and ? You bet I was out of shape
Me
You got back like a month ago though, right?
I didn't memorize his schedule. I didn't. I can do math, and I know he was headed for Europe after Worlds.
Stefan Petryk
And I've spent every day of that past month paying for it
Me
Which reinforces my opinion that you practice too much. *It’s the off-season!*
Stefan Petryk
How much is too much, really? Does it exist when you're training for an Olympic season?
Even over text, I can almost hear his voice, and I’m grinning at my phone.
Maybe he’s competing with my sister on overuse of emojis, but it's so nice to talk to him. It’s like we're back in the hotel room together, hanging out. Friends. The teasing camaraderie still exists, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I missed him.
I want to turn on video chat, see his face, hear his voice, but maybe it's too much, too soon.
Me
Pretty sure it does, especially if you peak before Stockholm.
Crap, I shouldn't have said that. Is it too close a reference to what happened last time? Will he take it as a veiled insult?
Stefan Petryk
I would never
I don't get the feeling that he's upset, but how am I supposed to be certain over text? Would it be better or worse to acknowledge the accidental reminder? Should I apologize? Since I don’t know, I stick with something generic.
Me
I guess if anybody has it figured out, it would be you.
Now I'm afraid to say anything, in case I'll mess up again.
God, I'm as nervous as I would be talking to someone I had a crush on. Which is ridiculous, because I do not have a crush on Stefan.
Even if he is so much more than a pretty face, an elegant set of lines on the ice, an astonishingly good jumper.
I can’t deny he’s more than another skating friend.
He's the person I want to spend all my time with, even months after I last saw him.
I'm terrified of this conversation, but I never want it to end.
I blow out a breath, trying to reign in my racing heart.
This is not something I can do; I can’t allow myself to feel like this.
The only thing I can let matter to me is my next competition.
The competitive world is too black and white.
Win or lose, fail or succeed. I can’t let myself be in a position to be disposable again, to go through the heartbreak of losing someone I love to that world.
If my presence derailed Stefan again, or anything budding between us turned into a scandal that hurt his chances, he wouldn’t hesitate to leave me over it.
I can’t run the risk of him deciding I'm not good enough to be worth his time, his love.
Maybe it's presumptuous to think it, but I need to protect myself before he destroys me.
I've only just started to dig myself out of the hole being discarded left me in last time.
My phone dings again, and my heart stutters. Crap. Was I that lost in my thoughts? I'm in the middle of a text conversation, for God's sake. Texts shouldn’t be startling me.
Stefan Petryk
That's the idea anyway. How’ve you been?
The simple, basic question shouldn't make my heart glow the way it does. Damn it, Evan, snap out of it!
Me
I've been good, just keeping conditioned for next season. Thinking about new programs.
Stefan Petryk
Oh, says the man who says I train too much
I burst out laughing, the sound rattling the pathetic windows that currently are letting way too much unseasonable cold into my apartment. He can still make me laugh like nobody else. This is so bad.
Me
Shut up.
It should make him laugh as well, unless he’s already forgotten.
Stefan Petryk
Asshole
My heart warms, because I'm pathetic that way. He remembers, and I'm feeling too mushy about it. That's dangerous. Way too dangerous.
I need to change the topic, change it to something far, far away from references to our tiny hotel room and the nights spent in it. The elevator. Even further away from the memory of how his voice sounded when he asked me to kiss him, which still sends fire blazing through me.
Me
Speaking of training. When we were in Frankfurt, you said something about maybe helping me with my loop technique?
It might be too abrupt, and I hate begging for help, but, well, I'm begging for help. He did offer, if in passing. He can always say no if he didn’t mean it.
Stefan Petryk
Yeah, I'd be happy to. If you could add it to your repertoire, you'd be unstoppable
Why a loop, though? Have you tried a flip or Lutz instead?
Me
Not sure about unstoppable, but it would definitely help me make it to the Olympics this time. I don't want to miss my chance again.
I don't think Gabby will dump me if I do, but a part of me still wonders, still worries, no matter how many times she's reassured me.
If I don't make it, will I lose everything?
I need her, and the rest of my university team; I couldn't be here without them and the scholarship they've given me. Time to change the subject again.
Me
And because it’s the one I’m closest with. I stall out on the flip and Lutz already, so adding another rotation seems like a bad idea.
Stefan Petryk
Let's make a deal
Me
What kind of deal?
Stefan Petryk
I help you with your jumping, and you help me with my artistry
What? Stefan Petryk wants my help? Right, the world is always upside down when I’m around him. How did I forget that? As if I'm someone special.
Maybe he's just being nice, trying to make it feel like a more even trade, or make me more proud of my own skating.
Me
Your artistry is fine.
Stefan Petryk
My artistry is shit compared to yours. Have you ever compared our component scores? Not even in the same universe
I haven’t ever thought to do that; why would I? I compare our technical scores, our overall scores, but I’ve never teased out the component score alone. Is he right? Is mine so much better? I do well there. It’s my strength. Do I do better than someone like Stefan Petryk, though?
If he's right, maybe this would be a fairer trade than I realized. Which is an interesting and unexpected twist.
Me
I like that deal.
Stefan Petryk
Me too. So how do we make this work?
That’s a more difficult question. Ideally, we'd work together at the same rink, but we're nowhere close to each other. He’s in Oakland, and I’m in Calgary.
Me
I guess we could start with video. I can film myself and send it to you. I'm not sure it would work as well for the artistry side though.
It's one thing to receive pointers on my technique for one very specific thing via video. It's another entirely for me to tell him what to do with the fundamentals of how he moves.
Stefan Petryk
What if I visited you? Could we use your rink?