16. Chapter 16
Chapter sixteen
— DELICATE BY TAYLOR SWIFT
My phone ringing interrupts the song I was listening to, and I turn the treadmill off as I answer. “Hello?”
“Bree? Are you in a wind tunnel right now? What is all that noise?”
I take a few seconds to calm my breathing. “You caught me in the middle of a workout. What’s up, Con?”
“I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Okay…” I say, weary of how she worded that sentence. “About what?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to throw your own event this year?”
I take a deep breath. It’s been a dream of mine to host an event that helped out a cause I care about, but is now really the right time? I already feel like I’m on the brink of exhaustion, and this could make it worse, but it’s been something I’ve wanted forever. “Is now really the right time? Can’t we wait until next year, when things have calmed down?”
“I don't know if I would ever describe your life as calm, Bree. I think now is as good of a time as ever, and it could bring some good publicity, too.”
I take a sip of my water as I mull over what she said. If I say no, she’ll keep hounding me until I say yes. Having no fight left in me, I agree. “ Yeah, you’re right. Just let me know what you need from me, and I’ll get it to you.”
“Thanks, Bree. I’ll send an email by the end of the day. Did you still want to do the Mental Health Foundation?”
“Yes,” I say immediately.
“Great. I’ll be in touch. Make sure to smile for the cameras with Alex later!”
“I will,” I say as I end the call. I have another fake date with Alex in a few hours, and I’ve been up since three this morning, running my body to the point of exhaustion. Even though I’m exhausted, I know I won’t be sleeping tonight, either.
My body is running ragged, and I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I smile for the media when I’d rather be home in bed beneath my sheets. I pretend to be madly in love with Alex when I’d rather he admit that he still has feelings for Lily. I have to pretend like I’m fine with all the distractions from Ralph, but I’m petrified.
I’m handling this as best as I can on my own. Liv has her own shit to deal with, Teags is still trying to find her way back to herself after Tobias, and the last thing they need is to deal with my shit. They aren't famous, so why should they have to deal with the shitstorm that my life has become behind closed doors?
I take a big sip from my water bottle and trudge up the stairs, hoping that a long, hot shower will brighten my spirits.
Six hours later, I’m on my way to a bookstore to meet Alex. Connie thought it would be a good idea to show the media that Alex has taken an interest in the things I love, so we’re going to wander around a bookstore and chat.
I’ve never wanted to not go to a bookstore before. I hate all this showmanship that comes from this deal. When I first agreed to it, I knew it would be like this, but I didn't take into account how exhausting it would feel. It turns out that pretending to be in love with someone is harder than I thought.
Normally, in the books I read with this trope, somewhere along the way, the lines get crossed, and things aren't as fake as the two of them thought.
With Alex, that will never happen. Eventually, maybe he and Lily will work things out. He could have his happy ending if he stopped being such an ass, but I’ll probably never get one, and I have to live with that.
I’d rather spend my life without romance than be stuck in a sham relationship.
“Bree, we’re here,” Vince says as the car slows to a stop. I can see photographers outside the building already, and before I can calm myself, the car door opens, and Alex’s face greets me.
“Hi, sweetheart. Care to join me inside? I already picked out some books I think you might like,” he says as he offers me his hand.
“Thank you,” I say as I step out of the car, the lights from the cameras practically blinding me. I see Vince clear the path for us, and I know he’s already mad that Alex opened my door for me. It’s protocol that Vince does it, and Alex broke it.
Just like he’s broken a few other rules set into place when we signed the contracts. He always touches me without my permission, whether it's just a small touch or a peck on the cheek. It seems like he has a thing for breaking the rules, and even though I flinch every time his hand touches any part of my body, he doesn't seem to notice.
But Vince always does, and even though I’m looking at the back of his head, I can tell there’s a scowl on his face. His back is tense, and when we finally get inside, he goes right to Alex’s security team.
Alex and I begin to wander around the store, neither of us speaking as we hold hands and peruse the romance section. I trace the spines of some of the books with my free hand, and after minutes of silence later, I hear Alex clear his throat.
“Look, I wanted to apologize about all the coverage with Lily and me in the press. I know it can't be easy on you.”
Wow, he actually sounds genuine. This is the first time I’ve heard him have any emotion besides that damn charisma. “It’s fine, Alex. We’re not real, remember?”
“Yeah, but we are to everyone else.”
“It’s okay. Really. Nothing about our lives is peaceful anyway. I knew what I was getting into when I signed that deal.”
He smiles softly as he looks at me, and I think this is my first glimpse of the real Alex. “Yeah, you’re right.” He pauses as he searches my face. “You’re a pretty cool girl, Bree. I wouldn't mind being friends after all this is over.”
“If you stop hiding your true self from the world, I could see that happening.” I laugh as I pull out a book.
“I wouldn't say that I hide, I just pick and choose who I show my real self to. It’s easier putting on that stupid persona for the world.”
“But you’ve shown me, and I assume Lily as well.”
His face turns red when I mention her, and the fact that his pupils are dilated tells me he’s still in love with her. “Yeah, she knows me better than most.”
“Then why aren't you with her right now? It’s obvious you two still love each other, at least to me.”
“Yeah, well, you’re the romance reader, Bree, not me.”
I lightly tap his arm as I laugh. “What the hell does that mean? ”
“It means that real life is much more complicated than it is in those fictional books of yours.”
“Okay, pretty boy. I’m about to give you a lesson in literature.”
He laughs at me as he runs a hand through his hair. “Bring it on, Bree.”
“Romance as a genre is highly hated because most people think it creates impossible standards. Which it sort of does, but most things people love about romance books are the little things the characters do for one another. They listen, they talk about the hard topics that can be terrifying to open up about. Romance isn't always about big gestures.”
“It’s not?”
I smile as I trace the spine of my sister's book. “No. It’s about all the little reasons you fall for someone, like how they remember little details about you or your favorite snack. Some of my favorite characters don't feel like characters; they feel like real people. Sometimes, I get so angry at them for making the decisions they do because I do the same things, and it feels too real, if that makes sense.”
“It does.”
“For example,” I say as I hand him my sister’s book. “My sister wrote this based on a relationship that went sideways. She thought he was the one, and they fell apart after a year or so, and this book follows a girl who goes through the same thing, except she doesn't end up with him. She ends the book single as she tries to find herself again. People loved it because there were so many others out there who relate to that feeling.”
He smiles at me, a real, genuine smile. “That makes sense. People connected with her words and stories because they had felt them before, too.”
“Exactly. And even though this is a fiction book, people still read it for the romance aspects.”
He flips through the pages before he looks back up at me. “Alright, you’ve convinced me. Pick out some romance books you think I would like. ”
“Are you serious?” I ask, a smile bursting from my face.
“Dead serious, Bree. I think it could give me a new perspective, and I’m always willing to try new things.”
“Well, buckle up, Alex. Movies might be your wheelhouse, but this is where I shine,” I say as I grab a few books. As we’re checking out, I look over to where Vince is standing.
He’s moving his head back and forth, but he finds my eyes and pinches his eyebrows. I nod my head, letting him know that I’m okay. I love how we can read each other with only looks. It’s like the two of us have our own secret language. That’s probably why we work so well.
Alex grabs his bag from the sales associate and smiles at her before he grabs my hand, and we head for the door.
“Well, I can’t believe it, but I actually had fun with you today,” I tell Alex as I try to focus on him and this conversation, not all the shouting outside.
“Is being around me really that bad?”
“When you’re pretending, yes. But today, you showed me a different side, and I’m thankful for that. Thank you for trusting me with your book choices. I can’t wait to hear what you think about them.”
“I’m sure I’ll update you whenever I have time to start them.”
“Good.”
He leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek before he motions for our security teams to escort us out of the building.
Shouting ensues for a few seconds before Alex and I go our separate ways, and when Vince closes the door to the car, I find myself taking a breath before he gets in.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m alright,” I say, and I mean it. I genuinely had fun with Alex today, and I could see us being friends when all is said and done if he keeps being himself.
“You looked like you had a good time. He didn't do anything untoward, did he? I lost you guys between the shelves a few times.”
“He was fine, Vince. I would've asked to leave earlier if he had done anything, but I think I got a glimpse of the real Alex today.”
“Is he less shittier than the regular one?”
I stifle a laugh at his obvious hatred for him, but since he breaks all the rules Vince and Connie put into place, I don't blame him for it. “Yes, he is.”
“Huh,” is all I get out of Vince, and before I think we’re going to spend the rest of the ride in silence, he speaks again. “Can I ask why you agreed to all this in the first place? It does seem like the media is distracted enough from the Ralph situation, but if it’s extra stress on you, then why bother?”
Before I can stop it, the words flow out of my mouth. “I guess I don't really believe in love anymore—for myself.”
“The romance reader doesn't believe in love? I’m surprised, Bree.”
“I’m allowed to read it and not believe in it for myself. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist for anyone else. It’s just myself I don't think it’s possible for.”
“Why not, angel? Why is it only you who doesn't deserve to feel loved?”
I can’t bear to look at him when I say this, so I stare out the window and watch the sun disappear behind a cloud. “I could never give anyone the peace that comes with finding someone you love. You know that feeling? Where you love someone so much that your soul feels calm and serene?”
“I can’t say that I do.”
“Well, that’s what I imagine it’s like. It’s how I feel when I look at Liv and Tristan. I can tell they bring each other that calm, and I don't think I’ll ever be able to do that for someone. It’s a choice to fall in love, and I wouldn't willingly put someone through all of this, the fame, the cameras, the life behind a lens. It’s not easy.”
I hear him sigh heavily as he turns the music down to a soft hum. “Love is a two-way street, Bree. If someone truly loves you, they would go through all of that because you’re worth it. Someday, someone will do anything to prove to you that you’re worthy of all the love you give others.”
“But who’s to say they would stay when things get tough? Who would stay if, month after month, the media starts to get too much? Or they can’t handle all the people who point at me and take pictures with me?” I’m getting worked up for some reason. What’s wrong with me?
“The right person will stay because they love you , not what you are to the world.”
I lock eyes with him, his hazel ones meeting mine in the rearview mirror. “I want to believe you’re right, Vince, but I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“One day, you’ll see, angel.”
The use of my nickname has me thinking he’s talking about himself, but that would be crazy, right? I’m looking for things that aren't there, and I try to shake my mind off the topic, but it won't let go.
He’s not talking about himself, Bree. He’s literally your bodyguard. He would never think of himself that way.
“You deserve to feel that way too, Vince. You deserve to feel that peace when you find someone you love.” I pause, feeling like I crossed a line, so I try to ease the tension I’m feeling. “Not with me, obviously, but with someone.”
Vince only chuckles under his breath. “If I ever feel it, I’ll let you know. Now, what song do you wanna scream-sing to on the way home? I can put on your usual playlist if you want.”
“That works.” I smile as he turns on the playlist, and I see him mouth some of the words on the way back as I quietly sing to myself .
That alone makes the pull toward him stronger. He knows me better than I know myself some days, and he even joins in on some of the ridiculous things I like to do when I’m stressed or in need of a pick-me-up.
But no matter what, we’ll never cross that line. No matter how pulled I feel towards him, I’m going to have to sever that string at some point.
At some point. Not right now, though. I want to hold on to the end of my line a little longer because it feels good to pretend. It feels good to daydream that when I pull it toward me, Vince will be at the other end of it, waiting with a huge smile on his face.
Maybe in another life , I say to myself.