22. Chapter 22
Chapter twenty-two
— EPIPHANY BY TAYLOR SWIFT
Today was the most normal day of my entire life.
And it was the best day ever.
I got a full night of sleep last night, with no nightmares waking me up, no panic attacks, and no dreams. None at all.
I think this house has magical healing properties or something.
Vince and I went on a walk with Nellie after we ate breakfast, and after that, I spent the entire day reading. Some people might call that a waste of time, but spending time in my favorite fictional universes will always be one of my favorite things to do.
Vince made all of our meals today, and I even helped him make the salad we had with dinner. It was the most mundane, boring, and peaceful day I’ve ever had. Vince took off after dinner to run to a nearby store, and I haven't seen him since he got back, but I know he’s home because Nellie ran off when I was taking a shower. She likes to come in and lick the water, and it’s entirely too cute. I love having her around. There’s something so soothing about Nellie, and sometimes, I think she can tell I’m feeling a bit down.
Dogs are smarter than people think. I wish my parents let Liv and I have a pet when we were younger, but they thought pets were messy and annoying .
Maybe I’ll get a dog if Vince leaves…
My therapist recommended getting a therapy dog once, and I brushed it off because if I could barely take care of myself, how was I supposed to take care of another living thing? I would’ve felt bad subjecting any animal to my panic attacks, depressive episodes, and general lifestyle.
Now, I’m in my room, a smile on my face as I queue up my favorite classical music playlist I use while I read. I can’t read or do much of anything without sound, and since I don't have my noise machine here, this works just as well.
Vince and I haven't talked about what happened last night—us basically admitting our feelings for one another—and that’s fine with me. In time, maybe we’ll discuss it, or maybe we’ll never bring it up again. The thought of that makes my chest ache, but I don’t want to make things awkward if I ask him about it.
Two knocks on my already open door pull me from scrolling on my Kindle, trying to find another book to read, and when Vince walks into my room, my heart stops beating.
Vince is wearing no shirt, his hair wet with that same one strand dangling down, his abs on full display.
My mouth is suddenly dry, and I find myself wanting to read another bodyguard romance, but I know I shouldn't. I’m practically living in one, and it would only get my hopes up, which is what I’m trying to avoid.
“Hi,” is all he says, waving some sort of box in the air before he sits down on my bed and places it in front of me.
“What’s this?”
“It’s nothing,” he says as I open the box. When I see what’s inside, emotions fill my chest.
It’s a night light shaped like a book. It’s open, and all the pages are spread out as if someone was fanning through it. Vince bought me a night light because he knew I didn't have one here. I’ve been using the bathroom light, and it’s worked just fine. I can’t help the tightness in my voice when I speak again. “Vince, this is beautiful.”
“I figured you needed one since I don't know how much longer we’re going to be here. It’s not a big deal.”
“Yes, it is. Nobody has ever been thoughtful enough to get me something before.”
“Oh, come on, you get packages every single day, Bree.” He’s trying not to make this seem like a big deal, but it is to me.
“Those are for me to promote. This is different.” I grab his hand. “Thank you, Vince. I mean it. This is the nicest present anyone has ever gotten me.”
“I saw it at the store when I went to get dog food for Nellie. It was right by the register, and I immediately thought of you when I looked at it.”
God, that sentence could send me into a coma. “I didn't think anyone thought of me like that.”
“Well, now you know I do. I don't only know you because I have to. I know you because it’s a privilege to be around you.”
I have to hold some tears back because that might be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit detached, but the fact that Vince still thinks I’m a warm human being means everything.
Nobody really notices how hard I’m trying every single day—even when nobody's looking. I’m constantly battling within myself to try and make sense of all the things I’ve experienced over the past few months, and it’s really fucking hard. But Vince sees it. He sees me. “Thank you. Can you plug it in for me?”
He only nods as he brings it to one of the plugs in my room, and when he turns it on and shuts my light off, it illuminates the room perfectly.
“It looks good, huh?” he asks me, and I can tell he has a smile on his face just because of how he said that .
“It’s perfect,” I whisper, snuggling into my covers and getting more comfortable.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Bree. Sleep tight.”
“You too. Give Nellie a kiss for me.”
“I will, angel. Goodnight,” he says as he slowly closes my door.
I answer him after it’s closed. “Goodnight.”
“Liv, what are you doing here?” I ask her as she opens the door to my closet, crouching in front of me.
“You called me, remember? And I got here before he did.”
No, that’s not right. I never saw Liv that night. “No, you didn't. I saw you outside in the ambulance when I could barely speak.” What the hell is going on?
“Tristan and I are here. Let’s go. Now, Bree. He’s coming.”
I follow my sister out of our childhood home, only to stop at the top of the stairs at a sight that breaks my heart. Ralph has Tristan and Vince on their knees, mouths taped and bodies shaking as he moves the gun between the two of them.
When he hears us, he launches into a chase, and Liv runs, but I’m frozen where I stand.
Ralph grabs me by the arm, his grip tight as he drags me down the stairs, whistling as he pulls me. I’m barely able to move, because this isn't right. Nothing about this is right.
“Little lamb, there you are. These two wouldn't tell me where you were, but I guess I found you after all, just like I always do.”
I hear Tristan and Vince screaming through the tape on their mouths.
“We’re going to play a game, Bree. Choose one, and the other dies. If you don’t choose, they both die. Understood?” he asks me, and I shake my head.
No. No, I don't understand what’s happening. This isn't how it goes. None of them are here for this; it’s always just me and Ralph.
“Let them go. Please. I won't do it. I won't choose between them.”
I can’t choose Tristan because he’ll experience a loss in a few years that will crush him and his family, and if he’s not around, I don't know what will happen to the rest of them. I won’t let the West family lose him too. I won't let my sister feel the ache I do every single day.
That’s all it ever takes. A few seconds, and your life can change—for better or worse.
And I can’t choose Vince because all he has ever done is protect me. Even though I didn't know him when Ralph first attacked me, all he has done since is make me feel safe.
Ralph is asking me to choose between the two most important men in my life. He wants me to kill one or both of them.
“Don't do this, please,” I say as tears fall from my eyes.
Ralph points the gun between them and pulls the trigger twice. I hear a body fall and see Tristan on the floor, a pool of blood spreading from his chest.
No, no, no, no, no.
My sister is screaming from the top of the stairs, a guttural yell that makes my legs give out.
And then he fires two more times, and I see Vince keel over.
This time, I’m the one yelling, and Ralph fades into the background as I watch the two of them take their last breaths.
I wake with a yell. My body is drenched, and tears are streaming down my face. I can’t bear to just sit in bed, and before my brain stops me, I throw my covers to the side and rush out of my room, only to trip over something and fall to the floor. Just like that night, I scramble to grab onto the carpet, but again, it doesn 't work.
My scrambling comes to a halt when a pair of strong arms wraps around me, brings my back to his chest, and holds me. The familiar body registers in my head immediately.
Vince. He’s alive. He’s okay. He’s still here. He’s not dead.
A strangled sob rips from my chest as the realization hits me in the chest. “Oh, God,” I chant over and over again.
“Angel, what’s wrong? Am I squeezing too hard? Do you need me to get cold water? W-what do you need me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”
“Keep holding me so I know you’re real,” I heave, the sobs still overtaking my body. “ Please .”
And he does. The two of us sit in the hallway for an hour, or five minutes for all I know, and he holds me until my breathing slows and my heartbeat returns to normal.
I finally was getting real sleep, and I could only get through one night before the nightmares came back. Will it ever end? Will my mind ever stop conjuring up the worst moments of my life to replay like I’m the only person at a movie? Even after he’s caught, when does it end? Does it ever end for me or can I only continue to fight my way through the toughest memories of my life? My breathing starts to pick up again, and I feel like I’m an earthquake and this is the aftershock.
If this is what forever looks like for me, I’m not sure if I want it.
I just wanted one glimpse of normalcy, and I thought I had that, but the reality of my mental state slapped me back to normal.
“Come back to me, Bree. Come out of that beautiful head of yours and focus on me.”
“I don’t know how to anymore,” I admit, feeling more defeated than I did when we first came here.
“Then I’ll do it for you,” he says while I feel his fingers against my skin, lightly grazing my arm. His stubble scratches against my shoulder and I can feel his breath on my neck as he slows his breathing down, silently telling me to try and match it, and I try my best.
“I thought you were dead,” I whisper, more tears falling out of my eyes and onto the carpet in front of me. Vince and I haven't changed positions yet, and talking about this without facing him is somehow easier. If I can feel him, I know he’s real, but if I look at him, he could disappear in an instant. “I thought Ralph killed you. H-he shot you, Vince. He shot Tristan too, and fuck, it felt so real.”
I continue to cry as he speaks. “You thought I was gone, but I’m right here, angel. I’m right fucking here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere,” he repeats over and over again so it gets through my head. “Do you want me to call Liv and Tristan?”
I shake my head. “N-no. I don't want to bother them. It’s late,” I say as my breathing evens out, the words he’s repeating getting through my head. “I’ll never have peace again, Vince. This is what my mind does. It brings new scenarios into my head, and they haunt me for days until a new one takes over.”
He lets go of me before he leans down, picks me up, and carries me in his arms back into my room. He places me on my bed gently before he crawls into my sheets and wraps his arms around me, his tattoos disappearing into the t-shirt he’s wearing. “Your mind can do that, but I’ll always be here to make you remember it’s not real, that you’re safe, Bree. So, get some rest, and if the nightmare comes back, I’ll be here to wake you up from it.”
“Always?” I question his use of the word.
He nods at me. “Always.”
I start to drift off again, my emotions weighing me down and making my eyes heavy before they snap open again. “Vince?”
“Yeah?”
“Why were you in front of my door?” I ask, noting that I tripped over him trying to leave my room. I didn't run into him in the hallway. I tripped over him. The only rational explanation is that he was sitting in front of my door, but I don’t know why .
I hear him sigh heavily and tense up a bit when I ask the question, and when I think he’s going to pretend he didn't hear me, he answers, “I can’t sleep unless I’m in front of it.”
Oh. “Why?”
“One of the first nights I was back, I woke you from a nightmare. You didn't realize you were screaming for someone to stop, to get off of you, and I rushed in to find nobody there. I was relieved because I thought someone had gotten past me, and I made sure that could never happen again by sleeping in front of your door. It helped to ease my mind when all I did was toss and turn in my own bed. It was easier to wake you up from a nightmare. It wasn't every night, only a few times a week.”
“You came back in March,” I yawn. “It’s June. There’s no way you’ve been doing this for months, Vince.”
“I have been.”
“But why do you still do it here? We’re all alone. It’s safe.”
“Force of habit, I guess.” He rubs his hand against my arm like we’ve done this a million times before—cuddle in bed together after I have a nightmare.
“Oh,” is all I can manage before my eyes get too heavy to stay open.
Fear.
That’s all I felt as Bree scrambled over me, hiccupping through her words, tears streaming from her face. Pure fear like I’ve never felt before .
I’ve never been so out of control like I was tonight. And when I held her in my arms and calmed her down from a panic attack again, it felt like this was where I was always meant to be.
She was always meant to be in my arms, to be held by me.
Bree Hart is unraveling me day by day, minute by minute, second by second.
I’d give anything for her to have some relief from the confines of her own mind. But if she feels safe in my arms like I know she does, maybe one day, the panic will lessen, and the nightmares will be fewer and farther in between.
She told me before that she’s broken, that she needs to be fixed.
What she doesn't know is that I’ll try anything I can to show her that, even though she feels like she’ll never have peace, that nobody can love her, that someone can and will.
Me . I’ll be that for her. I’ll be her anchor when the weight of the storms in her mind become too much for her to handle.
I look down at her sleeping in my arms, her hand fisted around my shirt as if she’s afraid I’ll turn to dust in the night, and press a kiss to her forehead.
Her eyes are already puffy, and I wipe some of the wet tears from her face with her blanket before I take another long look at her.
She’s goddamn angelic.
My beautiful, tortured angel.
“I’ll keep you safe, Bree. I promise we’ll get past this, and I’ll spend every single day showing you that being with you is as easy as breathing.”