Track 15 When Love Goes Wrong
“When Love Goes Wrong”
SIX WEEKS HAD passed since my world had crashed and burned before me. Six weeks. And I hated each of them. I hated the passage of time and everything that came with it.
Six more weeks meant Emma was well into her second trimester.
If my math was correct, she was likely at the halfway point.
Apparently, a baby is the size of a sweet potato at twenty weeks.
The fingernails start to form. Eyebrows.
It’s really becoming a person in there. It’s a beautiful thing, what the female body can do, truly.
But I didn’t think so then. Back then, the very sight of a pregnant woman made me sick to my stomach.
Because in my mind, all of them were E’s… and none of them were mine.
I forced myself to eat. Forced myself to shower. Forced myself to breathe. I got better at pretending to be well in front of Jake. Or maybe he had just grown so used to me being misshapen that he was no longer fazed by it.
At that point, I hadn’t been home in a long time and had no intention of going back at all, but when Ren called and begged me to come home “just for a weekend,” I couldn’t say no to her, even as depressed as I was.
Memorial Day was coming up. Jake and I had four days off, so we booked a trip home—our first together since we moved away. I was stressed on the flight. Jake kept telling me it was just because I wasn’t used to it, but I knew in my heart what was truly stirring the pit in my stomach.
Jake held my hand for the entire three hours and forty minutes we were in the air, flying from Austin to Newark.
He laced his fingers through mine like he was my personal anchor.
Like he knew he was the only thing that could keep me steady.
He made jokes the entire time—some silly, some clever.
All of them were designed to pull me out of my spiraling panic.
He ordered us drinks and got me buzzed to distract my anxious mind, and it worked.
It always worked with Jake.
He was just…perfect. A quiet, steady, perfect. The kind that showed up and stayed close, and never asked for more than I could give. He made it easy to forget the storm that brewed inside me, and he didn’t even have to try. He calmed me effortlessly.
My heart had grown cold and cautious after everything it’d been through, but it always softened with Jake.
He melted my edges with no effort at all, yet somehow, I was still locked in a version of myself that couldn’t meet him all the way.
That aching awareness made me sad that I couldn’t be more for him.
We landed and returned to our separate worlds, but something felt heavier than usual as we stepped off the plane.
We were both staying at our respective parents’ homes, so we shared a cab that would drop me off first, then take him to his mother’s.
I was doing my best to feel at ease with the separation we were about to experience, convincing myself it was only for the night, and I’d see him again tomorrow.
And then he dropped a bomb on me.
“Hey, so… I didn’t want to tell you before because you were nervous about the flight, but…” he paused. My anxiety plummeted.
“But what, Jake?” I couldn’t hide my urgency.
“My uncle is having a barbecue this year in Connecticut. We’re going to leave in the morning and spend the night. I—I want you to come with me, but… I know you missed Ren. I don’t want you to feel pressured, but… my whole family’s going to be there—I kind of have to go.”
“Oh…” was all I could say. It was all I should have said, because anything else would have been selfish. And hadn’t I been selfish enough?
He must have read the unease in me because he immediately backpedaled. “You know what? Never mind, I don’t have to go. It’s fine. I can stay here.”
I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to be without him for even a second.
He was the only thing that brought me any calm, and I didn’t think I could be without him.
Not now, and especially not at my mother’s.
But he wanted to go. He wanted to be with his family.
And he deserved to be where he wanted to be, not forced to take care of the emotional mess I was.
“No, Jake. You should go. You have to go. It’s important to you. And you’ll have so much fun and get to be with all your cousins. I’m just sorry I can’t come. I already promised Ren…”
“No, I get it. I do, but—are you sure?”
I managed the best smile I could muster and said, “Absolutely.”
He smiled appreciatively and wrapped his arm around me as he kissed my temple. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too.”
We arrived at my childhood home, and I grabbed my bag and climbed out. Then, the only peace I had in my life rode off into the night. All I could think was how I wouldn’t get it back for two whole days.
The next morning, I woke up lonelier and more depressed than I’d felt in a long time. I told myself it was just the dark basement bedroom I was no longer used to, and that I missed Jake, and while both held some truth, deep down, I knew the real root.
However, thanks to my not-so-little sister, I had minimal time to dwell on my feelings. She hopped onto my bed with an exaggerated bounce, already dressed and smiling wide.
“Let’s go to brunch and drink mimosas until we pass out at the table.” Ren wagged her perfectly shaped eyebrows. “I have a fake ID.”
I laughed as I stretched and noted the time. It was nine A.M.
“That sounds like a fabulous idea.”
“Perfect!” Her big blue eyes lit up, and I thought how lucky she was to be the only one in our family with them.
“There’s this great place my friends and I always go to.
Actually, like, everyone goes to. The food is great, and the waiters are hot.
You’re gonna love it,” she said with her bright smile, and I was immediately grateful for the joy of having a sister.
Thirty minutes later, we were on the train en route to the Hoboken waterfront.
She took me to The Lola, where she introduced me to the hostess and her bartender friend, Brayden, who I immediately suspected was much more than a friend.
When their flirting leveled up, I took my cue and strolled to the bathroom.
It was a beautiful restaurant—one that screamed Ren, with its marble tabletops and ivy-covered walls.
It was modern eclectic with a cool, trendy vibe and a picturesque view of the New York City skyline.
Though every table was full, it didn’t feel overcrowded thanks to the indoor-outdoor feel the wall of windows provided.
They slid fully open, letting in the perfect breeze as the restaurant spilled out onto the sidewalk, making the entire street its home.
The music was just loud enough, and it fit the flow of the crowd well.
It was easy to see why Ren and her friends frequented it.
We were seated at the white bar top in the last two navy-blue velvet chairs.
It didn’t take long before we were cracking up about nothing at all.
We probably looked ridiculous with our overt banter and loud cackles, but we didn’t mind.
It was good to laugh with Ren. It was good to laugh at all.
It felt like freedom and maybe even a little forgiveness, like for a moment, the weight tied to my soul was ready to let me breathe.
But it was short-lived. Because the moment after I took my next relief-filled breath, the shadow I’d been trying to outrun walked right through the door.
My laughter died in my throat, and the air turned heavy as the universe snickered at me.
It was a snide reminder: You don’t get to escape that easily.
He didn’t see me at first, and I prayed that his pregnant Emma wasn’t trailing behind him. I’d die on the spot if she were. The universe granted me that one small mercy—E was alone. And he looked even better than he had the last time I’d seen him.
He looked around the room like he was searching for something, and while I knew it wasn’t me, when his eyes landed on mine, it felt like it was.
He smiled widely, as if our last conversation wasn’t me cursing him out on a Texas sidewalk.
My heart tried to break free from the ice shield I’d covered it in. But I wouldn’t let it.
Ren caught the exchange and the sharp change in my posture. Her eyes filled with a plea of forgiveness, and her mouth twisted to the side.
“I did say everyone comes here,” she said in an apologetic defense. She watched as he approached us and whispered, “Should I stay, or should I go?”
I turned to her. “Do not leave me alone.”
She nodded once and turned back to E just as he reached us.
“I thought Texas was keeping you captive, girl,” he said with a side smile, his eyes twinkling.
I shrugged, ignoring the flutters in my belly and warmth in my heart. “Not much to come back for anymore.” I smiled back, but it wasn’t warm like his.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
My stomach soured at his offer, remembering what followed the last time he’d made the request. I took another sip of my mimosa to ease it. “Why? Have another announcement to make? Maybe Emma’s having twins, and you bought her a house?”
He visibly winced at the stab of my words, and I felt a wave of discomfort roll off Ren.
I suddenly felt bad for asking her to stay, but I needed her.
I needed the buffer, if only for feigned strength.
Still, I couldn’t stop what came over me.
I wanted to be more pleasant, but the champagne went to my head.
I was no longer in control of my sharp tongue.
He scoffed, his mouth twisting into a sideways grin. “Just the drink this time.”
I pursed my lips in a cold, bitter smile and held up my glass. “Bottomless mimosas. Thanks, anyway.”
He tucked his lips into his mouth and looked down at his feet to hide his amusement. He saw right through my bitchy little skit. He wasn’t fazed by it in the slightest. Because he knew me. Too well.