Track 19 Interlude
“Interlude”
I’M HERE, I texted with steady hands and a shaking core as I waited for the buzzer to ring.
Okay, was all he replied.
I took the elevator up and walked down the long hallway, stopping in front of the apartment door, where I waited for him to come out. I didn’t want to go in. It didn’t feel right to invade his space with what I had come to do.
He opened the door and greeted me with a sad, guarded smile, and my heart weakened at the sight of him. At the reluctance I had put there in place of his shining confidence. The confidence that had drawn me to him long ago—I had shattered it.
“Hi,” I said, full of sorrow and regret yet brimming with love.
“Hi.” He gave another weak smile that barely reached his eyes.
“How’s it going?”
“Good, I guess.” He rocked on his heels and looked down the hall just to break our gaze. “Small talk’s not a good sign,” he said as he met my eyes again. He sank his hands into his pockets.
My heart plummeted to my stomach like I had just reached the peak of a roller coaster drop. I knew it was time to fall, and it made me want to throw up.
“I think—”
“You think?”
I licked my lips as I rolled them in. My eyes fell to his feet and back again.
“I know.”
He nodded slowly. I didn’t have to finish because he already knew. He didn’t need me to say it. But I would.
“I think I’ve always known. I just… couldn’t admit it.” I paused and took a moment to compose myself. As sure as I was of what needed to be done, it didn’t hurt any less to do it. “I never wanted it to be like this. And I don’t want things to end this way, but—”
“But you’re ending them anyway.”
I sighed, full of nothing but absolute remorse. “I have to.”
“Why?” he pleaded.
I took a deep, shaky breath.
“Because it’s not fair. To you. To me. To everyone. You deserve to be happy. Loved by someone who can love you without ruining you with their love, like mine does. You deserve… I don’t know… more than I can give.”
He nodded again and brought his hand up, covering his mouth. My stomach twisted and knotted as I watched the painful defeat wash over him. It was the end. After all this time. And there was nothing we could do about it. But he wanted to try.
“You’re giving up.”
“I’m not. Or… I am, but I’m giving up for the right reason. I can’t keep lying to everyone. I can’t keep lying to myself.”
He looked at me through pained eyes. “What if there’s more to this?” He gestured between us before dropping his hand to his side. “What if you’re throwing it all away before it gets to where it’s meant to?”
I felt the tears burning in my throat. I was breaking this man’s heart, more than I already had, and he loved me enough to still fight for me. To wait for me to figure it out, and then fight for his cause when I finally did.
“What if this was always what we were meant for, and holding on to it will only ruin us more?”
His eyes grew glassy as tears pooled at the rims. He pulled his lips in with his tongue and swallowed hard as he looked down at his feet. When his eyes met mine again, his tears had fallen.
“I’m always gonna love you, Sydney.” And with that, my tears fell too.
My throat constricted, and I pushed past the tightness to give this man one last piece of my heart.
“I’m always gonna love you,” I said, and I meant it.
He pulled me into his chest and wrapped my head in his arms. I wrapped myself around him and clenched his shirt like I wouldn’t let go. But I did let go. I had to because it wasn’t right to keep him when I already belonged to someone else.
He kissed the top of my head as he released me and cleared his throat. I shifted in place uncomfortably.
“How long are you staying here?” I asked. I hated that he was, but I knew he would. His eyes wouldn’t meet mine.
“A few more days. Figured some space would be good. Figure things out on my own.”
I pursed my lips apologetically.
“I’m so sorry, Jake. I never wanted to hurt you. Ever. You were the best thing to happen to me. An angel that came into my life right when I needed him. You’re… perfect.”
He just nodded, not like he understood. Not like he accepted. He nodded like a man who had lost and could only leave as himself. He looked down at his feet as he gnawed on his cheek.
“Not perfect enough, though.” The brokenness in his voice ripped me to shreds.
My breathing hitched, and my chest tightened at the sight of the man I had ruined.
The confidence I had stripped from him. The horrible way I left him in turmoil to rebuild his life alone. He deserved so much more than that.
For the first time, I wished I had never met Jake.
Not because I didn’t want him, but because he was worth so much more than what I could give him.
He deserved to be loved in a way that moved mountains and formed valleys in its wake.
He deserved a grand love that was pure of heart and true of soul.
Not my love, which was broken and tattered and barely there to start. All mine did was destroy him.
“Jake, you were always perfect enough. I just… couldn’t accept that I had given my heart away a long, long time ago. It was never fair to only give you the scraps. And I didn’t realize that was all I ever had left, until it was too late.”
We stared at each other in the quiet, desolate hallway for a long, aching moment, memorizing the last view we’d ever have of each other. He leaned his head back and took a deep breath. It was time for goodbye.
“I know I said it already, but it’s not enough…” I wiped away tears. “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” he breathed.
“I understand if you hate me—”
“I don’t hate you, Sydney. I don’t… understand,” he released a deep breath, looking away before his eyes found mine again. “I don’t understand how we got here, or what happened, but… I don’t know that it matters anymore.”
I nodded, my belly rocking with mourning.
“Do you think you’ll move back to Jersey?”
He gave me a tight-lipped grin that didn’t reach his eyes in the warm way I was used to. I wondered if it ever would again.
“I think I’ll hang back in Austin for a bit.”
I nodded because I already knew. I would’ve done the same.
He pulled me in for one last hug, a firm, lingering farewell, and then he turned without looking back, disappearing behind the apartment door of his Airbnb.
That was the last time I’d ever see him.
My Mr. Perfect. My Raft. The one who kept me afloat during my biggest storms. The one who held me above the waves of my own mess of a life. I would never know him again—my Jake.
I walked back down the long, dim hallway, into the elevator, and slid into the backseat of the cab waiting outside. It drove me the full hour from Kings Beach to Reno-Tahoe International Airport, North Lake Tahoe fading into a memory I would have to let go of.
I boarded my flight in silence and settled into my seat, still wired with nerves from all that had happened and all that was to come.
Emotions swam through me in a steady rush—heartache, grief, loss…
relief. I sat in the quiet storm of it for five whole hours.
I wasn’t sure I’d be stable when the time came, but when the plane finally landed, I walked off with a fire in my veins, a mission in my soul, and a single letter pounding in my chest.
It was finally time to get my man.
And nothing—not friends we owed our loyalty to, not relationships we forced ourselves to stay in out of guilt or obligation, not some made-up idea of perfection I thought I needed, not even time—was going to stop me.