Chapter 29 #2
For some fool reason his brain would not accept that this was the moment he required, it gave him the ability to be able to leave her, and what’s more to leave her angry with him.
If he did that, he would allow her to hate him, instead of mourning the loss of something she might have had.
She could be happy then, happy here, with Alex.
If he was really as honourable as all that, he should take this chance and thank God for it. So why was he running after her?
“Henri, please ... wait.”
She paused by the door and turned back to him.
“Why?” she demanded. “To wave you off with a tearful smile and a kiss for luck?” she said, sneering at him.
“Well I shan’t, so don’t hold your breath!
” She glared at him, defiance and anger in every fibre, shaming him.
“I would have done anything to keep you here with me,” she said, tears sparkling in her eyes now.
“I would have risked anything, everything to keep you, to have you love me, but if you don’t have the guts . ..”
He could stand no more, and he could not stand by and have her believe he didn’t love her, that he was too much of a coward to give her his heart, even though he knew there was truth in her words. He had to make her see that it was killing him, but he had to go.
Lawrence moved, and the kiss stopped her tirade in its tracks effectively enough, and the way he touched her, the desperation that she must be able to sense in the way his hands clutched at her, the way his arms crushed her against him, the way his mouth devoured hers with a hunger that could never be sated; surely all of this must illustrate how badly he wanted to stay here with her?
And yet now he was caught, just as Alex had known he would be when he forced Henri to play this game, for he couldn’t stop.
He hoped to God Alex had the sense to send the staff to bed but found he couldn’t spare another thought before his mind was wholly occupied with the woman in his arms.
The silk of the dress was at once cool and slippery and warm as the heat of her body blazed through it.
He pressed against her and a feeling of triumph, of having won something precious and unique persisted as she marched into him, making little desperate sounds as she tore at his clothes.
Could he really not have this? Wasn’t there a way?
Reality reasserted itself and he paused, his forehead pressed against hers, their breath fluttering together.
“Don’t you dare, Lawrence,” she warned him, tears glittering in her eyes. “Don’t you dare.”
He gave a laugh born somewhere between incredulity and despair. “Oh, God, Henri, what do I do?”
“Stay,” she said, tugging at his jacket. “Stay and be with me. Tell me it’s what you want?”
He reached out his hand to cup her face and looked down at her with too much emotion in his heart, it seemed bruised and fragile, overfilled with everything he felt for her.
“I want to stay,” he whispered, hearing the truth of it himself.
The first time he had allowed himself to own the fact.
“But, Henri, what if someone recognises me? What if my enemies track me down here, or the militia come after me? At best the family would never survive the scandal, and at worst ...”
He closed his eyes, too horrified by the idea of finding men who counted him as an enemy to be repaid in blood, here, in this place where he had dared to consider being happy, where he had, for just a moment, allowed himself to imagine what life might be like, with her.
For the first time in his life the idea of a home, a wife, perhaps even children, wasn’t something he rejected without consideration because it was something he could never have.
He’d always been able to dismiss it before because he had never been able to imagine it.
But now he could. Now he could see what life would be like . .. and he wanted it.
He had always assumed he would die at sea, going down with his ship or bested by a faster swordsman or a better shot.
He’d been lucky so far, but his life was too dangerous for that luck to hold forever.
But what if that dangerous life couldn’t be shrugged off, what if he brought it here and Henri paid the price for it?
He opened his eyes as her hands cupped his face. “Lawrence,” she said, and he looked down at her, seeing such love in her expression he thought his heart would break at the idea of leaving her. “You have to stay.”
He shook his head, wanting so badly to agree to it that the ache was a physical pain far worse than any injury he could remember sustaining.
Three bullets had stopped him in his tracks ten years ago, but he couldn’t recall the pain of those wounds being anything like the pain of leaving this woman behind for good.
“I won’t put you at risk, Henri.” He stroked her face, hoping she could see how badly he wanted to stay, because if he tried to put it into words he was going to crumble. “I would never forgive myself if ... if anything happened to you.”
She gave an impatient huff of annoyance and smacked him, the flat of her hand hitting his chest with frustration.
“No, Lawrence. You have to stay because if you don’t, I promise you that I will follow you.
I will leave everyone behind and follow you wherever you go, and I will do it alone, with none to protect me, and then, if something happens to me you will know it is your fault because you didn’t stay! ”
She was staring at him, fury and triumph glittering in her eyes and he knew damn well she meant every word and the little wretch would do it in a heartbeat.
“You’re blackmailing me!” he growled, incredulous.
Her fury seemed to fall away now that she knew she had him cornered and she blinked up at him, the picture of innocence, her lips pursed together in a small pout that made desire burn in his blood with the need to kiss her.
“Yes,” she said eventually, nodding. “I mean, I didn’t manage it properly the first time I tried it, but this time ...” She arched an eyebrow at him. “I think I’ve got the hang of it.”
“And if I gag you and tie you to a chair and make my escape now, no one will know until morning. You’d never find me!” he threatened, even though he knew he’d never do it.
She shrugged as if it was of little concern. “Perhaps not, but you know I’ll try to … that I’ll be all alone and ...” She gave a heavy sigh.
“Damn you, Henri!” he exclaimed, running a hand through his hair in exasperation.
“I have never in my life known a more infuriating, manipulative ...” He stopped in his tracks and sighed as he looked down at her and those big brown eyes.
“Oh, dammit to hell,” he said, giving up all hope of ever getting away from her, or even pretending he could ever have wanted to.
Instead he pulled her tight and kissed her.