Chapter 14
14
Sloane Elizabeth’s Voice Memo to Self on Ten Things You Must Remember Tonight
1. One drink only.
2. No flirting. Absolutely no flirting.
3. Especially not if Malone is panty-meltingly gorgeous and sexy when he sings. Like he was that night he sang “Isn't It Romantic?” doing karaoke, and you pretty much turned into a puddle of liquid silver lust on the floor.
4. Wear something sensible so you don't feel sexy. Like a paper bag, a burlap sack, or a sumo wrestler costume. All of these are acceptable outfits. Please also consider wearing a pair of onesie pajamas, because there is literally nothing less sexy on the entire planet than giant footsie pajamas on an adult.
5. Also, perhaps slippers?
6. Don’t shave legs or armpits. That’s basically anti-sex armor right there.
7. If all else fails, just think of Dad. Remember how he would feel if he knew.
8. Shudder. Cringe. Just erase all mention of that person from your head right now.
9. Remember you made it through the first week of working with the hot vet, and you can do anything.
10. But he’s also a hot singing vet who’s clever, sexy, and charming. How the hell are you going to pull this off? Text Piper. Even if she’s out of town for the evening, clearly you need her reinforcement.
* * *
Piper: Hey, sexy lady!
Sloane: Wait. Do I look sexy?
Piper: You always look sexy, even though . . . what exactly are you wearing in that photo? Ohh! Is that a black turtleneck? Are you channeling the ghost of Steve Jobs? Because stop. Just stop.
Sloane: I'm going to see Malone play at Gin Joint, and I’m trying to be unappealing.
Piper: Ohhhhhhhhhh.
Sloane: What was that ohhhhhhhhhh for? That it’s working—my unattracti-fying—or something else?
Piper: Gee. I don't know. What do you think it was for?
Sloane: I’ll be good! I’ve seen him for the last week, and it's been completely fine. It's not like my heart flutters wildly when I see him. It's not like my brain flips back in time and remembers how it was. It's not like he is as sweet and funny and flirty and sexy as he was the very first night I met him.
Piper: So it's super easy? And in fact, the socks you made to recognize your accomplishment really do ring true? By the way, I bought them for a few clients, as well as myself.
Sloane: What was the slogan again?
Piper: My hands are tired from patting myself on the back.
Sloane: Ha! That’s right. So true.
Piper: So you patted yourself on the back for one week. And now you’re going to see him sing. Question: do you want your ovaries to explode tonight?
Sloane: Question: why do people say “exploding ovaries” at all? That sounds incredibly painful. It doesn’t sound positive.
Piper: Now is not the time for dissecting a popular saying. I only asked because I know what his voice does to you.
Sloane: It melts me.
Piper: Everything about him melts you. Remember how you felt way back when?
Sloane: Yes. Like I was falling in love.
Piper: And remember, too, how you felt when he ended it.
Sloane: But it had to end.
Piper: I don't dispute that. I just encourage you to remember how much it hurt when it did.
Sloane: Like a sledgehammer. Hey, have I ever told you you’re nothing if not practical?
Piper: I have to be. I have to look out for the people I love. And I'm looking out for your heart. Plus, you still have The Thing to deal with.
Sloane: Don’t remind me of The Thing.
Piper: I just want The Thing to be fixed. Hey, maybe he can fix The Thing! Why didn’t we think of that?
Sloane: And I thought you were trying to keep me on the straight and narrow.
Piper: I was, till I thought about the possibility of reversing The Thing.
Sloane: I’m going to throw this turtleneck at you right now.
Piper: Good, then hopefully you won’t wear it tonight. For the love of fashion, please change.
Sloane: That's a promise.