12. Theo
12
Theo
I ’d dodged a bullet. But in doing so, I’d put myself in the firing line for another dangerous situation.
Never would I have thought that I’d ask Jessica to sit next to me, but it was the lesser of two evils. From the moment that we were introduced, Janine had made it very clear that she liked me.
If the flirtation and suggestive comments didn’t make it obvious, the fact that she’d repeatedly stroked my bicep did. I wasn’t someone who liked physical contact from strangers. I preferred a firm handshake to the cheek kiss greeting that’d become so popular. So Janine’s incessant pawing made me uncomfortable.
In any other situation, I would have no issue with telling her exactly what I thought. But this was Sunshine Bay: the town of endless smiles and happiness. I had to show Edwin I was embracing the community. So if I told Janine to keep her hands off me and caused a scene, that wouldn’t be good.
That was why having Jessica sit next to me was the best solution. I knew with absolute certainty that even if I was the last man on earth and we needed to have sex to ensure the future of the human race, she wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot bargepole.
A flash of desire shot through me. I’d felt that same sensation when I’d whispered in her ear. I didn’t want to get so close to her, but I couldn’t exactly tell her out loud that I’d made up the whole Edwin email thing because I knew that was the only way she’d agree to sit next to me. Even though there was no one sitting behind us, the people in front might have heard.
When I’d leant in closer to her, Jessica’s scent hit me like a truck. It was so sweet and intoxicating.
I inhaled deeply, then came to my senses. I shouldn’t be thinking about how good she smells. Or about having sex with her.
This was so awkward.
Now we were sitting together, I supposed we’d need to pretend to be friends. Which meant we had to talk. And considering how often Jessica kept shifting away from me in her seat, it was obvious that she’d rather pucker up with a poisonous snake than make conversation with me.
But as much as I didn’t want to, I had to try.
‘Have you been to many theme parks?’
As soon as the words flew out of my mouth, I groaned. That was so lame. It was like saying ‘do you come here often’ to a woman in a bar.
‘No,’ she replied flatly.
As suspected, that went down like a lead balloon.
‘What ride are you looking forward to going on the most?’
It was another pathetic question, but I was trying. Since the minute we’d first met, Jessica and I had sparred. I wasn’t used to being civil with her.
‘The coach journey back here.’
I sighed and pulled out my phone. I didn’t have her number, but Edwin had included us both on an email with the address for the B&B, so if I wanted to speak to her, I’d have to use that. I wouldn’t be whispering in her ear again. It wasn’t safe.
After saving her email address, I typed out a message.
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 13.49
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
For the sake of keeping up appearances, please could you respond with more than just monosyllabic responses.
Yours sincerely,
Theo
‘Check your email,’ I said .
‘Why? Is there another phantom message from Edwin?’
‘Just do it.’
She sighed and whipped out her phone, then started typing. My phone pinged.
Rather than just talking to me, which was the whole point of my email, she’d sent me a message.
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 13.52
Subject: Communication
Dear Mr Eaves,
I’d rather eat an elephant’s testicles than have a conversation with you.
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
As I read her email, I snorted.
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 13.56
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
Nice to know your culinary preferences.
Now that I am aware that you are partial to sucking balls, might I suggest you opt for sampling a right whale’s testicles? They can weigh 1,000 kg, so you won’t go hungry.
If you require additional recommendations, please don’t hesitate to ask.
Yours sincerely,
Theo
As I fired off the email, my face broke into a grin. From the corner of my eye, I saw her unlock her screen to read the message.
To: [email protected] m
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 13.59
Subject: Communication
Dear Mr Eaves,
Thanks for your suggestions, but I’ll pass.
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.03
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
The offer for recommendations still stands. If the right whale’s testicles are too much of a mouthful, perhaps the tuberous bush cricket’s balls would be a better fit for your appetite.
Yours sincerely,
Theo
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.06
Subject: Communication
Dear Mr Eaves,
So random! Why did you pick a cricket as a suggestion?
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.11
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
I can assure you that nothing I do is random.
To answer your question, despite the fact that he’s one of the tiniest animals, the tuberous bush cricket has the biggest testicles in the world in comparison to his body weight.
Specifically, his balls make up 14% of his total mass.
Yours sincerely,
Theo
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.14
Subject: Communication
Dear Mr Eaves,
How do you know this shit?
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.17
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
Long story.
If you’re interested in knowing another fascinating fact about tuberous bush crickets, just say the word.
Yours sincerely,
Theo
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.21
Subject: Communication
Dear Mr Know It All,
Go on, then. Tell me.
I can tell showing how smart you are turns you on, so I’ll give you another opportunity to peacock your knowledge.
Call it my good deed for the day.
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.26
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
So you think I’m smart? Thanks for the compliment!
There are many things that turn me on, and I can assure you that talking about the size of a cricket’s bollocks isn’t one of them.
Seeing as you asked, the female tuberous bush cricket mates with up to twenty-three different males in her two-month adult life. Could be because having big balls helps them to outperform their rivals or gives them the capacity to spread their seed to more females. Can’t remember the exact reason .
Maybe they should change that famous saying to ‘fucking like crickets’ instead of rabbits!
Yours sincerely,
Theo Smarty Pants
As Jessica read my email, she laughed. A warm sensation filled my chest. I couldn’t remember ever hearing her laugh around me, and I liked the fact that I’d brought that smile to her face.
For a second I’d worried about including the sentence about the things that turned me on, but I knew she would never be interested in what did, so I reasoned that it was fine.
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.32
Subject: Communication
Dear Mr Smarty Pants,
Thanks for sharing your knowledge of crickets .
Interesting to know that the humble little tuberous bush cricket trumps the right whale in the battle of the testicles.
Just goes to show that size doesn’t always matter.
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.35
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
You’re welcome.
That depends. Sometimes size does matter. Wouldn’t you agree?
Yours sincerely,
Big Theo
I knew I was skating close to the edge with that email, so I was intrigued to see her reaction.
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.39
Subject: Communication
Dear Little Theo,
True. But there’s no point having something big if you don’t know how to use it.
Yours sincerely,
Ms Johnson
From: [email protected]
Date: Saturday 3rd May, 14.42
Subject: Communication
Dear Ms Johnson,
Are we still talking about crickets?
Yours sincerely,
Theo ‘Skills’ Eaves
As I hit send on the email, I smirked. Her comment about knowing how to use it could’ve been completely innocent, but I suspected there was some innuendo there, so I couldn’t resist calling her out on it. I was curious to know how she’d respond.
She read the message, then slipped her phone into her bag.
Dammit.
Jessica may have said she didn’t want to have a conversation with me, but even though it was a written exchange rather than a verbal one, we’d still interacted.
And she’d called me smart. Never mind the fact that she probably meant it in a ‘you’re an arsehole for trying to show off some random wildlife facts you know’ kind of way, I’d still take it as a compliment.
I was also claiming the fact that I’d made her smile. Maybe the ice queen was thawing a little towards me.
Although we were still rivals, something inside me wondered if I could chip away a little more at her hard exterior today.
As the driver pulled up outside the theme park, I smiled. Looked like I wouldn’t have to wait long to find out.