35. Jess
35
Jess
A fter ending the phone call, I opened my bedroom door. Everything was set. I was taking the day off. Could I afford to, given that the presentation was in eight days? Not really. But this was important.
I knocked on Theo’s door. I’d deliberately left his room early this morning as I needed time to set everything up, so I knew he wouldn’t be expecting to see me.
‘Hi!’ He smiled as he opened the door. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Can you be ready in half an hour? I’m taking you out.’
‘What?’ He frowned.
‘Today’s an important day and I know you’ll be speaking to your brothers this evening, but you shouldn’t be alone, so like I said, I’m taking you out. Be ready in thirty minutes. Oh, and bring a book.’
After quickly kissing him on his lips, I went back to my room. I knew if I stayed too long, he’d ask questions or insist that it wasn’t necessary or a big deal, but I knew it was and I wanted to help him .
When he told me last night at the restaurant that today was the anniversary of his mum’s passing, my stomach bottomed out. I knew first-hand how hard those anniversaries were. And I knew how for so many years I’d wished I could talk to someone about it.
Some years I would’ve been happy enough for someone to just acknowledge it. Or give me a hug. But it never happened. My ex never cared. The only one who always remembered to call was Sarah.
That was why I was more determined than ever to make sure Theo felt seen and supported today. I wanted him to know I was there for him.
Once I’d popped to the local supermarket and got all the necessary supplies, I went back to Theo’s room and knocked on the door.
‘Ready?’ I asked when he opened it.
‘Jess, it’s really kind of you to offer to take me out, but I really should stay and work, I—’
‘Theo,’ I said softly. ‘It’s not for me to tell you what to do, but I really think this will be good for you. We won’t be back too late. Will you trust me?’
‘Okay,’ he said quickly. ‘Let me get my jacket.’
Minutes later we were walking to our first destination: Sweet Treats, where I’d arranged for him to have his favourite crumpets. When we were leaving, Maddie handed me a paper bag with the items I’d called and asked her to prepare earlier.
After paying, I led Theo to the train station.
‘What’s in the bag? And where are we going?’ Theo asked.
‘You’ll find out. Later. Come on.’ I took his hand and pulled him to the platform. ‘We don’t want to miss our train!’
An hour later we were in Central London and heading to the Tube station.
‘Are we there yet?’ Theo mimicked a child’s voice.
‘Stop asking!’ I laughed. ‘Or you won’t get any ice cream later!’
‘Not fair.’ Theo pretended to sulk. ‘The suspense is killing me.’
When we arrived at High Street Kensington Station, the penny started to drop.
‘I think I know where we’re going.’ Theo squeezed my hand.
‘You okay?’ I looked up at him.
‘Not sure.’ His voice cracked a little.
‘I’m here, okay?’ I kissed his cheek, then rubbed his back.
As we walked through the gates of Kensington Gardens, I felt Theo tense.
‘It’s been so long since I’ve been here,’ he said gently. ‘But in some ways it feels like it was only yesterday.’
‘Time’s funny like that,’ I said. ‘This is where Princess Diana used to live, right?’ I pointed as we passed the grand palace.
‘Yes. I think we even saw her once. But it’s hard to remember if that happened or it was just a dream. It was a long time ago.’
‘Yeah. So, do you think you’d be able to show me some of the places your mum used to take you?’
‘Okay.’ Theo nodded.
We walked through the busy park and Theo led me towards the lake, which had green-and-white-striped deckchairs resting on the lush grass.
When we reached the edge of the water, he stopped.
‘This is where we used to watch the ducks,’ Theo said.
‘It’s lovely.’ I fixed my gaze on the ducks, then my eyes followed the tall, elegant white swans as they glided across the water. ‘I can see why you liked it here.’
‘We used to sit on the grass there too.’ He pointed.
‘You want to go there and sit for a while?’
‘Yes.’
I pulled the blanket I’d brought out of my rucksack, laid it down, then sat beside Theo as he faced the lake.
‘How are you feeling?’ I touched his knee.
‘Good, actually. When we first arrived, I thought it would be hard, but now, I know it sounds weird, but being here makes me feel closer to her.’
‘It doesn’t sound strange. I know exactly how you feel…’ My voice trailed off. I didn’t mean to say that. The words just came out.
‘You do?’ Theo frowned as he turned to face me. ‘You never did tell me about your family.’
‘Not much to tell.’ I blew out a breath. ‘I have no idea who my dad is and I’m an only child.’
‘And your mother?’
I paused. I didn’t like talking about her at the best of times, but definitely not on a day which was supposed to be all about Theo remembering his mum. Today wasn’t about me.
‘It’s a long story. Don’t worry about it.’
‘I don’t mind. We’ve got time. I’d like to know more about you. If you want to share, of course. It’s just that you said you knew how I feel, so I wondered if— ’
‘I lost my mum too,’ I blurted out. Theo had opened up to me and I felt bad that I hadn’t been honest about what I’d been through too. Maybe it might help him to know I understood what he was going through. ‘She died when I was sixteen.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Theo rubbed my shoulder. ‘What happened?’
‘I…’ I paused. ‘It’s difficult to talk about.’
Sharing the story always made me feel self-conscious, but knowing I was about to tell Theo sent a wave of embarrassment through me.
From what Theo had told me about his mother, she was loving, kind and caring. The perfect mum. Such a contrast to mine, who was neglectful and reckless. She didn’t even know who my dad was for God’s sake.
Theo’s mum had died through no fault of her own. Mine on the other hand might’ve still been alive today if she hadn’t done something so stupid.
It was yet another reminder of how Theo and I both came from different worlds.
‘You don’t have to,’ he said gently.
‘It’s just, her death was so pointless. She did some stupid things in her life, but that …’ My voice trailed off. Theo didn’t try to fill the silence, which I appreciated. I knew he was leaving it for me to decide whether I wanted to continue. ‘My upbringing wasn’t very stable. The early days, from what I can remember, weren’t completely terrible. Mum used to work a lot doing different jobs, so she’d leave me home alone most nights. That I handled. I knew how to make my own dinner by the time I was seven. Burnt myself a few times taking things out of the oven, but nothing major. But when I was ab out twelve, she got mixed up with a bad crowd. Started taking drugs.’
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Theo didn’t speak, he just rubbed my back. I took a deep breath and continued.
‘It got really bad at one point. That was when I started to borrow books from the library and read—to try and block out what was happening. When she brought round all those sleazy men, I’d lock myself in my bedroom, too afraid to come out because of what I might find. It was my way of coping.’
‘That must have been terrifying. I’m not surprised you needed something to help you push what was going on out of your mind.’
‘Yeah. Thankfully with the help of her one and only decent friend, Mum finally went to rehab and got clean. I thought it was all going well. But not long after I turned sixteen, she met a guy at a club she worked at. I never really took to him, but she was smitten. He bought her flowers and chocolates and one day he said he wanted to take her on holiday around the US, then island hopping around the Caribbean. She was so excited. I didn’t like the idea of her going away for a month with him, but she said he made her happy. When she went, she left some money—not much, but enough for basics. She’d check in every now and again, y’know, a quick phone call or text to say she was having a great time. The last message she sent said she’d be back in a few days. I was looking forward to seeing her, but then…’
I hung my head and fumbled in my pocket for a tissue. I didn’t find one, but Theo must’ve sensed I needed one because he pulled out a handkerchief .
‘Here,’ he said.
‘Thanks,’ I sniffed. ‘But then I was getting ready for school and when I saw a police car pull up in front of our block of flats, somehow I just knew.’
‘Was there an accident?’ Theo asked softly.
‘Although she obviously didn’t mean for it to happen, I’m not sure you can call it that. You see’—I paused again, trying to muster up the strength to continue—‘Mum stupidly agreed to be a drug mule. Apparently her stomach was stuffed with packets of cocaine and they burst.’ My voice shattered.
‘Fuck. I’m so sorry.’ Theo pulled me into him and I sobbed onto his shoulder.
Once I’d had a chance to compose myself, I pulled away. The sooner I got this all off my chest, the better.
‘That arsehole boyfriend of hers persuaded her to do it. That’s why he took her away. Mum’s friend said that she reckoned that because he gave her all the gifts and took her on that trip, she felt obligated to do it. He told her she’d be fine and that if she did it just that once, she’d get enough money to pay off all her debts. And stupidly she believed him.’
‘Those kinds of people can be very persuasive. Your mum probably felt like she didn’t have a choice.’
‘Maybe. But I just felt so angry with her. And I was embarrassed too. Everyone was whispering about it: the neighbours, everyone from school. It was even in the local papers. Dealing with what happened was hard enough, but having to listen to the gossip too just broke me.’
‘Who looked after you after that?’
‘No one. I never knew my dad. Mum didn’t really have any family here. She burned her bridges with all but one of her friends—the one that helped her, but she couldn’t take me in and I couldn’t stay in the flat. I managed to get into some hostels, but I didn’t always feel safe.’
‘That can’t have been easy. Did you stay on at school? If you were fending for yourself, I’m guessing you had to go out and get a job.’
‘Yeah. When I was at school, I had dreams of going to college and uni. I didn’t want to be like Mum, working different jobs and struggling to make ends meet. I wanted to make something of myself. But she died in my last year of school, so I couldn’t even think about doing coursework or revising for exams. I tried, but I just couldn’t. So I left without any qualifications.’
‘I think anyone who’d been through what you had would’ve found it difficult to focus on schoolwork then too,’ Theo said, looking at me with kindness and understanding in his eyes.
‘I suppose. My only focus back then was survival. I took on as many jobs as I could to pay the bills. I rented rooms and crummy bedsits. That’s why I think by the time I met my ex and he asked me to move in with him and offered me a decent job, I was so tired of always struggling to keep my head above water that I just went along with it. Even though our relationship had more red flags than a bunting factory. I fell into the same trap Mum did. Dating a toxic man. So you can see why I swore off men after that.’
‘Fuck. You’ve been through so much. I had no idea. But here you are. Despite everything, you’ve become an incredible woman. Strong, loyal, smart and determined. You should be proud of everything you’ve achieved. ’
‘Thanks. Most of the time I don’t feel strong. I feel bloody exhausted.’
It was hard to have so much responsibility at such a young age. Especially when all my friends were out enjoying life, like I should’ve been.
When my mates were worrying what dress to wear to a party, I was stressing about how I was going to pay the rent. We didn’t have anything in common anymore, so although I kept in touch with a few of them, I knew we were growing apart.
And by the time I started dating my ex, Silas, his jealousy meant that I stayed in touch with them less and less, until in the end, we lost contact altogether.
Now, the only true friend I had was Sarah. But I knew now that when it came to friendship, it wasn’t always about quantity. It was the strength of your bond that counted. And I’d struck gold with Sarah.
‘I’m not surprised. But you’ve got through it. And now you have an amazing opportunity with the library.’
‘ If I win.’ My stomach twisted again.
‘Whatever happens, you’re going to fly, Jess.’ Theo reached up to my face and stroked my cheek. ‘Don’t ask me how I know, but I just believe good things are coming your way.’
Hearing those words instantly made me feel better. As Theo’s gaze met mine, I saw the sincerity in his eyes. He meant every word.
‘Thanks. And sorry for talking about this. It’s supposed to be a day to remember your mum, not mine.’
‘I’m glad you told me. Obviously I wish we didn’t have this kind of grief in common, but at the same time, knowing you understand is comforting. ’
That made me happy too. All I wanted today was to make Theo feel better.
‘Well, I’m here to talk whenever you need me. Okay?’
‘Thanks.’
‘You hungry?’ I unzipped my rucksack and pulled out the paper bag from Sweet Treats and the other stuff I’d bought at the supermarket earlier.
‘I am, actually.’
‘Good! I’ve got sandwiches that Maddie made for us: cheese and pickle and ham and pickle. I’ve also got cheese and onion crisps, some apples, and to wash it down, the bottle of bubbly we won at the talent show.’
‘I’d forgotten about that champagne! And I thought you hated cheese and onion crisps?’
‘Hate is a strong word! They’re just a bit stinky, that’s all. But they’re your favourite, so I thought I’d make an exception.’
Theo leant forward and kissed me softly on the lips.
‘I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me today,’ he said.
‘It’s no big deal.’ I waved my hand dismissively.
‘It is. No one’s ever done this for me before. Especially volunteering to eat cheese and onion crisps just to make me happy.’
‘Ha-ha! Yes. That’s definitely going to be a challenge. But it’s fine. We can be stinky together.’
‘Mmm.’ Theo kissed me again. ‘I like the sound of that!’
After lunch, we sat on the grass and read for a bit, opened the champagne, raising a glass to Theo’s mum, then I gave him some time alone by the lake to say a few words to her .
Then we wandered hand in hand to Hyde Park to visit the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain, where we slipped off our shoes and joined the other visitors walking in the refreshing water barefoot.
After that, we walked through Green Park and when we came out near the station, an idea struck me.
‘I’ve just realised. We’re right by Piccadilly Circus!’
‘Correct.’ Theo frowned. ‘Why’s that important?’
‘Come with me!’ I took Theo’s hand, led him down the street, then stopped when we arrived at our destination. ‘This is Waterstones Piccadilly: the largest bookshop in Europe! Did you know they have over eight miles of bookshelves?’ I said, my eyes wider than a child’s on Christmas morning.
‘I didn’t. But now you’ve told me, we must go inside immediately and look at least seven miles of their bookshelves!’ He laughed.
‘Agreed!’ We stepped through the large glass doors, then down the small steps onto the main floor, our heads spinning as we took in the thousands of books lining the shelves.
There was every genre you could think of, but of course we headed straight to the first floor, where the romance books were.
Thanks to Theo’s kindness and the bag of goodies Mrs Davis had left for me, I already had most of the books I would’ve bought, but of course, I couldn’t resist picking up a few more.
And when Theo said he needed the toilet, I raced to the thrillers section, scooped up some novels I’d heard were popular, then took them to the till.
‘These are for you!’ I handed Theo the bag .
‘You bought me books?’ He reached inside.
‘Yep! Remember, I want to cheer you up. And every bookworm knows that buying new books is the secret to happiness.’
‘ Obviously .’ He grinned. ‘Thank you. Not just for the books, but for everything. You’ve made a sad day memorable for good reasons.’
‘You’re welcome.’ I wrapped my arm around his waist. ‘Now let’s get you back to Sunshine Bay so you can video-call your brothers and share your memories about your lovely mum.’