Chapter 45
Daniel
I’ve missed Anu. We talked a few times and texted more.
My quick trip to New York, which I’d expected to be for a day, ended up taking three long fucking days, and that has made me irritable.
It’s clear to me now that I dislike sleeping alone.
I can honestly say that I haven’t had a good night’s rest in the last few days.
Not seeing her or having her next to me daily is even more frustrating.
I didn’t like my hasty travel, but it was important and unavoidable.
Soon as I could leave, I made my way straight to the airport.
Stepping into the building at three in the morning, the thought of waking up next to her was primal on my frontal lobe on my way home.
I quicken my steps towards our unit. The silence in the unit is heavy, until a low guttural groan slices through it, filling me with dread.
I follow the groan as it increasingly gets louder.
Each step brings me closer to her bedroom door.
My hand is trembling as I open the door.
The light is dim; I move closer and see her in bed, groaning in agony, huddled into a fetal position.
Her painful groans fill the room. I race to her side, my heart pounding. I try to hold her trembling form.
"UGHH!" she cries, her voice raw with pain. "Don't touch me! Pain is all over; don't touch me!" Her voice choked with anguish.
I stand, watching as she continues to cry in pain. I kneel close to the bed. “Can I take you to the hospital?"
“No! It’s a mild crisis and I just took my meds. It will kick in soon.”
“How long?” Her anguish is tearing my heart.
“I don’t know, but it will. Just stay with me,” she pleads in an uneven tone.
“I’m not leaving.” I look at my watch and it’s three fifteen a.m.
If she doesn’t stop crying in thirty minutes, I’m taking her to the hospital. It’s agony to watch her helplessly; excruciating to sit in patience while she endures this pain. A profound sense of powerlessness washes over me.
About fifteen minutes in, her groan subsides. I sit still, watching as she slowly stops crying. She extends her hand to me. I gently take it. This is good, though I’m scared to touch her and cause her more pain.
“Welcome back,” she says in a gentle even tone.
“Thank you.”
“How was your trip?” she asks, and a faint smile sneaks out.
“Boring,” I answer as a soft chuckle escapes her.
I keep holding her hand and manage to feign a smile, but I’m just masking my fear of her crisis returning.
“The meds are working,” she says, like she can see through my mask.
“Good. Do you need anything?” I’m at a loss. I have no idea what to do here.
“No. I’m just going to rest.” She smiles again.
“I’ll be right here,” I confirm to her. I need her to know that I’m not leaving. Ever.
“You don’t have to stay with me. I’m fine now.” Her voice is almost convincing.
“You are not fine and I’m staying with you.”
Before she can reply, her phone beeps.
“That’s probably Jordan checking on me. I sent a SOS signal when my crisis started. Can you press the green button please?”
I do as she requested.
“What’s that?” I ask about the four colored buttons that popped up after pushing the green button.
“Green means meds are working, yellow means still in crisis, I might need help getting to the hospital, Red means call an ambulance and Blue means I need support.”
“You and Jordan share that?” I ask
“Yes, with a few other friends,” she says.
“Can you add me to that?”
“No need to worry yourself.” She replies brushing off my request
“I’ll ask Jordan to add me, if you don’t add me. I need to know when you are in crisis.”
“Can we talk about it later?”
“Yes, but you are going to add me.”
“Tell me about your trip.” Sure, deflecting is the fucking answer.
“Boring is what my trip was. I missed you, so I came back soon as I was done.”
“I missed you too.”
I truly smile for the first time since I walked in here. I get up and start to remove my clothes.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting in bed next to you” I say.
“You don’t like this mattress.”
“Doesn’t matter, neither of us is sleeping alone,” I respond. Not sure why she thinks, I would leave her and sleep in another bed.
“We can go to your bed,” she says.
I turn a questioning look to her.
“You don’t want me to touch you and I’m not going to let you walk. I don’t see how we are getting to another bed.”
“Meds are working; you can carry me to your bed.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I just might fall asleep in a few minutes.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
I gently lift her. She wraps her arms around my neck and rests her head on chest as I move towards my bedroom and gently set her down on the bed. She rolls for me to pull the covers and gets under the cover.
“I need the warm blanket in my room.”
I nod and return to get it. I cover her with it and kiss her forehead.
“Good night,” she says.
“Good morning,” I reply as she smiles and closes her eyes.
I stand and watch her for minutes. Moving to my side of the bed, I let out a muffled exhale, finally letting the tension of the last hour out.
It was painful to watch her in pain and be unable to do anything.
I return to grab her phone and place it next to her side.
I gently caress her face and kiss her cheek again before getting in bed next to her.
I want to hold her, but I don’t know if it might trigger her pain again.
I lay next to her, waiting, and scared of the thoughts of her pain.
When I woke up, I reach for Anu, but the bed is empty. I ran out to the living room and the bright morning light hit me, causing me to block the light with my hands.
“Good morning,” she says, her voice chirpy.
I move towards her in the kitchen.
“Good morning,” I say, kissing her lips. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, and getting ready to leave. I have a class in an hour.”
My mind is blown. Is she serious right now? She needs to rest and not go anywhere. I take a step back from her as my scowl is immediate.
“What do you mean you have a class?” My tone is menacing.
“I’m fine, Daniel.” Her tone is calm. “I can’t sit indoor all day. It was a mild crisis and I’m good today.”
Did she just say mild? There was nothing mild about her groaning in pain for god knows how long.
“I don’t want you going out today. Cancel your lesson.” My voice is stern.
“Please, don’t make us fight. I don’t like being treated like fine China. I’ve lived with sickle cell my whole life, and I know when to move and when not to move. I’m fine and I’ll be back as soon as I’m done.” Her voice is gentle but there’s sternness in it.
She’s right; I’m new to this and I need to trust her just judgment until I fully understand this disease. I exhale my frustration at my lack of experience with sickle cell, and her stubbornness doesn’t help.
“Fine, but Zack is your driver all day today.”
“I can drive myself,” she snaps.
"Not today," I declare, the word hanging heavy in the air. "Tomorrow, perhaps, but not today," I repeat, my resolve unwavering.
“Okay,” she says, and I pull her into a hug and inhale her scent. She wraps her arm around my waist.
"If you don’t want me to worry, you should give me access to that app," I whisper to her. She slowly extracts herself from the hug.
“Are you sure you want to be a part of this sickle cell cycle? It doesn't end, you know that, right?” Her brow is arched.
“I’m well aware of the requirement, which is why I need you to add me to it.”
“Can I think about it, please?” Her eyes plead.
I nod, though I’m not changing my mind, and I can't understand why she hesitates to include me in the app, so I know when she’s in crisis.
“I need to call Zack to come and get you, after a quick shower,” I say, heading towards the bedroom
“Okay. I need to call my dad as well.” I pause in my stride. Her dad always calls her; she doesn’t call him. I turn to her. “I promise to always let him know whenever I have a crisis,” she explains.
“Would you have told me, if I didn’t arrive when I did?” My question surprises her. She shrugs.
“My ex-boyfriend made it seem like it was a burden talking about my crisis; he couldn’t handle it and didn’t want to hear about it. I’ve learned not to share and keep it within the circle that understands my situation.”
“I’m not him, Anu. I want to know when you are having a crisis.” I’m a bit upset with her, but I can understand her not wanting any more disappointment.
“What happens when our agreement is over? Would you still want to know then?” she challenges.
“Yes, I’ll always want to know when you are hurting and need my help.”
“I’m sure your future wife would find that fun fact interesting,” she teases.
“Can we stay in the present and not worry about imaginary people?” My voice carries a subtle cajoling tone. I hold in the exasperation I’m feeling about this. I know she’s trying to deflect and right now it’s not working for me.
“Fine, I’ll add you to the app. Remember: you asked for it.”
I race to hug her again.
“Thank you,” I say, kissing her lips again. “Now you can call your dad, and I’ll call Zack.”
She nods.
I send a quick text to Zack to be here in forty minutes and he’s driving Anu today.
A thumbs up appears on my text. I shower fast and return to the living room to see Anu.
I need to check on her again to make sure she’s okay before she leaves for her lessons.
She’s reading her notes at the small dining table.
I notice she has changed clothes to a long summer dress and light make up.
She does look better, but knowing how she tries to hide her disease and present a healthy look, I’m still worried. She smiles when she sees me.
“I need to leave soon. Is Zack here yet?”
I check my phone and see a text from him that he’s outside. I send him her number and ask him to save it, so he knows to alert her next time.