Chapter 19 Gus
GUS
I hadn’t thought about the “coming out” aspect of my situation.
I was going to have to tell people that I didn’t drink.
Maybe not today, but…eventually. It was logical to think it wasn’t a one-time blast either.
It was the first question anyone asked at a social event.
What do you want to drink? I had to think there was a limit to how often you could get away with, “I’ll stick with Coke” before confusion set in.
Or maybe they’d figure it out and feel sorry for me, and I didn’t need or want sympathy.
What I really wanted was more time.
Graduation was less than two weeks away, and the lease on the house would be up in the middle of June. Real life was coming at me fast and furiously. A new job, a new apartment, same old me. Scary shit.
And I hated the idea of doing any of this without Rafe…as in, it made me sick to know I was going to lose him. But he had big dreams, and I wanted him to crush every single one of them. I wasn’t going to hold him back. No chance.
He was at the rink every damn day, putting in the work with single-minded determination. Seeing him dig deep to regain control and confidence inspired me. I couldn’t keep ignoring uncomfortable conversations or situations.
I did anyway.
Hey, I was busy. I had papers to write and a project due.
In my spare time, I hung out at the rink, cheering Rafe on or doing my own drills to stay sharp.
Sure, it also gave me a chance to keep an eye on Eli, the fuckin’ weasel.
Nothing to see there, though. Rafe was a professional.
He didn’t fool around on the ice. He saved that for me.
Thank God ’cause I couldn’t get enough of him.
I had a theory that the dwindling days on the calendar heightened physical sensation. That would explain why I couldn’t be in a room without touching Rafe or sniffing the lingering scent of cologne on his skin or—
Rafe batted me away with a chuckle, rolling to his side to face me, a serene, satisfied grin in place.
“I can still feel you.”
I squeezed his ass. “Here?”
“Mmm. Why is this so good?”
“I dunno,” I replied truthfully. “I would have thought you’d be tired of me by now.”
“Are you fishing for a compliment?” he snorted.
“Nah, I know you love my dick.”
“I do.” Rafe’s smile dimmed. He rested his head on my pillow and gnawed at his lip. “Did I tell you that Boris wants me to join a club in Syracuse? Supposedly one of the best.”
“Syracuse?” I wrinkled my nose. “What happened to Pittsburgh?”
“Nothing. I’ll be able to get into my old club if I want. Syracuse has better coaching, and it’s pricier. He might be able to help me with sponsorship. I’ll look into it.”
My heart thumped against my rib cage with something that felt like hope. Syracuse was an easy commute and—
No.
No, it didn’t matter how close it was. Rafe had to do his thing, and I had to do mine.
“That’s cool.” I lowered my eyes as I traced his pelvic bone with my thumb.
“I think so too. It’s funny because I wasn’t sure he liked me, but he clapped for me yesterday. And it wasn’t sarcastic clapping, either.”
“You deserve it. Hey…are you doing an interview with Walker? Ty mentioned it, but—”
“Ugh!” Rafe flopped onto his pillow theatrically. “I’m not doing it.”
“You’re not?”
“No, I can’t in good conscience lie to a million people.
It’s wrong. Sure, maybe the exposure would be enough to whomever gets left off the roster, but it’s cheating.
” He squeezed his eyes shut briefly. “I’m embarrassed that I’ve let it go this far.
Whatever this is. I rarely see Eli outside of the rink so I can’t believe anyone believes we’re in a relationship.
It’s one thing to let the skating community at Smithton think we’re something we’re not, but to blast a lie on social media is just…
no. I’ll talk to Walker tomorrow, and…grovel. ”
“Walker’s cool. It’ll be okay.”
Rafe blew a raspberry. “Maybe, but Eli may throw me off a bridge. We’re in fierce competition for a spot now. I heard Smithton will get four entries—a duo, one for women’s individual, and one for men’s. Only one. It’s me or him. Not both of us.”
“You could make the interview about that,” I suggested.
“Maybe, but I think it’s best to concentrate on training. No games.”
“He’s worried that you’re doing too well.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do. Not everyone is going to be happy for you when you kick ass and take names. That’s how it goes.”
Rafe hummed thoughtfully. “Speaking of kicking ass and taking names…did you talk to your parents about your new job?”
I winced. “No.”
“Gus. You’re making it worse than it has to be. Unless…are you waffling?”
“Waffling? The only waffling I do is at a fucking IHOP.”
Rafe snickered. “Aren’t you supposed to get pancakes at the International House of Pancakes?”
“I don’t think they’re enforcing that law, and this might be controversial, but I’m choosing a waffle over a pancake any day.”
“Those are strong words.”
“I stand by them. Crispy waffle pockets hold the syrup till you need it instead of soaking the edges and leaving you with soggy pancakes and—”
“Gus?”
“Yeah?”
He captured my chin, stroking my end-of-day beard as he peered into my eyes. “Call your mom. Trust me…you’ll feel better.”
“Augustus, darlin’, your timing is oddly impeccable. I was just about to call you.”
“Oh, yeah?”
I picked at a loose thread on my sweatpants absently and fixed my gaze at the dazzling sunlight dancing on the surface of the lake.
I must have skipped fifty stones before I’d finally pushed Send.
A hit off a joint would have worked wonders or even an early morning beer. But it was just me out here now.
“Yes. Honey, I’m a little beside myself. I thought you’d talked to Derek Collinsworth. I thought your internship was a done deal. You said you’d call him,” Mom accused in a smooth-as-molasses tone.
“I did.”
Mom gasped. “Did that weasel turn you down? What happened? Tell me everything, and don’t you dare leave out a single detail.”
“I didn’t call him immediately. I had other options to consider and—”
“What options?” she intercepted.
And here we go.
“I was offered a coaching job at Smithton High. The head coach of the Varsity program needs an assistant, and they’re looking for a freshman English teacher.
I accepted and I’m…excited. As soon as it was finalized, I called Mr. Collinsworth to thank him.
I had to leave a message. His secretary said he was at Martha’s Vineyard with his family.
Not to worry, I was super polite. So…it’s all good. ”
Silence. And not the pleasant kind.
“I didn’t raise a fool. Don’t you dare act like one,” Mom snapped in an ice-cold tone that tore through my defenses in one fell swoop.
“Mom, I’m not—”
“Don’t. Not a word. This has gone on far too long.
You can’t stay in college forever, sugar.
It’s not the way the world works. You need to earn an honest living.
We taught you better than this. How do you think you’d survive on a teacher’s wage?
Not well. You’ll have no money, no prospects.
Women don’t want that. How are you gonna find a wife?
How are you gonna support your children? ”
“I don’t have a wife, I don’t have kids, and—”
“I don’t know why it’s always up to me to talk sense into the boys in this family,” she continued as if I hadn’t spoken.
“Your brothers did this too. Silly notions of being rock stars and professors are just that…silly. Use your education for good. That’s what your grandfather expected of you.
It’s what your father and I expect too. So, let me tell you what you’re gonna do.
You’re gonna call Derek Collinsworth’s office and assure him that you couldn’t be more excited to start that internship.
I want this done today, you hear me, Augustus? ”
A robin perched on a low-hanging branch, staring at me. Okay, maybe it didn’t notice me at all. But I liked this version better. This tiny bird had a…well, a bird’s-eye view of some spectacular Langley dysfunction and was probably judging the hell out of me.
Your move, Gus. What are you going to do?
I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
“Mom, I’m not calling Derek.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I’m not going to be a lawyer.
I’m using my education by coaching and teaching, and I feel really good about it.
I’m sorry if you don’t agree, but I’m not discussing it with you any further.
The decision is made, and it’s a done deal.
This might not be what you want for me, but I hope you understand. ”
The silence was arctic now.
“I don’t, and this is not okay. You could lose your inheritance,” she hissed.
“That’s not true,” I said wearily. “You know it’s not. But even if it was, this is my life, Mom. I have to do this my way.”
“Bless your heart. It’s nice that you think so. Listen up, I’ll call Derek myself and straighten this out and—”
“No! This isn’t a joke, and nothing you say will change my mind. I’m hanging up now. We can talk later.”
“Don’t you dare hang up on me, Aug—”
I hung up.
And honestly, I wanted to fucking throw up too.
The voices were back, louder than ever. I was an embarrassment, throwing away a good opportunity in the hopes I’d never have to grow up.
Oh, and the guy I was crazy about was someone else’s fake boyfriend. And I’d fucking encouraged him.
Fuck, I needed static. Now.
Shake it off, Gus, the voice urged. You know what to do.
Twenty minutes and at least as many missed calls from my mother later, I was at the liquor store, a bottle of Johnnie Walker in hand. I paid for it, and somehow resisted the urge to buy five more bottles and three cases of beer too.
Clear out the liquor store, send a mass group text for a big ol’ party at the house, and get high as fuck. So high you’ll still feel like you’re flying tomorrow. Just one more time. Go on.
Someone stepped behind me in line, and the voice in my head receded.