14. Hadley
Hadley
“D o you see him?” Hannah asks from where she’s pretending to stretch beside me while scouring the crowds for Ethan. We’re in a crowd of orange shirts, everyone matching for the cookie run.
“Why don’t you just text him and ask if he’s here?”
“I don’t want to come across as needy,” she says. “God, it’s hot. I’m melting.” She pulls her shirt from her body, trying to circulate the air.
“You’re not being needy. You guys are supposed to be meeting.” I don’t mention that I’m sweating and miserable from the heat and worried about it getting warmer before we have to run two miles.
I scroll through my contacts, stopping on Nolan’s name.
I texted him yesterday morning before the game, wishing him luck again.
His only response was to like my message.
I nearly texted him again last night after watching Camden win to congratulate him and ask if he was okay after taking a hit that had my chest feeling too tight while waiting for him to stand, but as the game concluded, the camera panned the cheerleaders, and I saw the same blonde from the party, Nolan’s number on her face, and I erased my congratulatory text.
Childish?
Probably.
Bitter?
Definitely.
Jealous?
No comment.
I can text Nolan now, though because my pride doesn’t have to worry about rejection or if he perceives me as needy because this message is on behalf of Hannah and maybe it’s a good thing—a better thing—if he doesn’t respond and I don’t see him.
Platonic feelings—a platonic relationship would be so much safer and easier to navigate.
Me: Are you guys here?
Nolan: Are you looking for me or Ethan?
My heart does a traitorous dance.
Me: Both.
Nolan: Where are you guys?
Me: We’re standing by the statue of Camden.
I eye the bronze statue of Camden, the founder of our school that sits in the front courtyard. I’ve always wondered if he really did look like Abraham Lincoln or if they just wanted him to look like a distinguished and notable man in history.
“They’re here,” I tell Hannah when Nolan doesn’t respond.
“Where?” Her voice turns higher with anticipation as she looks around.
I scan the crowds and spot Hudson, Evelyn at his side. My heart seems to do a double beat, knowing Nolan will be with them and spot him as he cuts through the crowd, moving to Evelyn’s opposite side.
My heart beats chaotically, ignoring my wishes for platonic anything as Nolan’s eyes meet mine and he smiles in recognition and what I want to believe is the same concoction of excitement and relief that’s currently guiding me to lead Hannah toward them.
“Hey,” Evelyn says, grinning as she steps forward to hug me.
“Hey. Evelyn, did you get the chance to meet my friend and roommate, Hannah?”
Evelyn shakes her head and offers Hannah her hand. “It’s nice to meet you. This is my boyfriend, Hudson.”
Nolan moves to stand beside me. “Are you sold yet on college traditions?”
“I don’t know what I was expecting, but I kind of thought college traditions were secrets. Like you meet at three in the morning and knock twice on a door and have a secret code to get in.”
He chuckles. The sound sends a shot of pure bliss through my system.
His laugh, despite not being quirky, is quickly becoming my favorite addiction.
The deep rumble, the smooth bass, the slight intake of breath at the end—it’s all mesmerizing.
“A few are more exclusive, but there’s not a ton of mystery. ”
“No secret societies?”
His smile widens. Around us the crowd cheers in response to a giveaway happening to our right.
Nolan dips his head, his lips so close to my ear that I feel his breath.
“None that I’ve been invited to.” He smells so good I nearly moan.
I forgot how good he smelled. It’s comforting, clean, and fresh, and on Nolan, it’s like a drug.
I swallow, turning to speak in his ear, leaning a little closer than necessary. “Where’s Ethan?”
“He’s coming. He, Sam, and Colin got caught taking photos with some fans.”
I nod as I take a half step back so I can see his face. His eyes show traces of tiredness but when he smiles, they nearly disappear. “Congratulations on your game.”
His grin widens, cutting open that vein that has me feeling too much and yet not nearly enough.
“Nolan!” The same blonde—Janelle—cries, jumping on Nolan’s back. He catches her thighs with his hands, and that feeling of jealousy I’ve been trying to fight and ignore burns me like an iron prod.
Nolan flinches, reminding me of the hit he took yesterday. He straightens and releases his grip, forcing her back to her feet as his gaze tracks to mine.
“I brought the party!” Lenny yells, swinging an arm around Nolan’s neck and tugging him into a crowd of cheerleaders and football players.
His gaze cuts to me a silent apology as Lenny tugs him farther away.
I remain on the fringes, waiting for those same warm feelings of belonging and comradery to flood me as they did Saturday, but as they joke and belch and the girls scream each time one of the guys pretends to scare them, I draw farther and farther away from the group.
“Maybe we should just go,” Hannah says, clearly feeling the same hit of estrangement. “It feels like I’m losing brain cells just by listening to them.”
“Are we just boring? Do we not know how to have fun?”
Hannah shrugs. “If this is fun, I want to be boring.”
Negativity eats at my thoughts. I could be home practicing my speech and working on outlining my second speech while baking another batch of banana bread (which I’ve nearly perfected) and am instead here, sweating, and hot, surrounded by bad decisions that are doing nothing to relieve that itch.
I lean forward to tell Hannah I’m ready if she is, but Ethan and Colin appear, weaving their way through the crowd to reach us.
“Hey.” Hannah’s voice no longer sounds bitter or bored and she’s smiling, juvenile behaviors and the raging hot sun forgotten as she hugs Ethan.
Something about him pulls at my attention, an intuition that I can’t place.
Maybe it’s the way he continues to scan across the masses or how loose he holds her, but something has me taking note.
“I don’t know how you guys practice in this heat,” she says.
They launch into an answer as Evelyn makes her way over to us.
“Do you want to grab something to drink?” she asks.
“I can’t believe how hot it is already.” She looks back at Hudson and vaguely gestures to Hannah.
It’s a silent request for him to watch and pay attention, proving once again that Evelyn is my kind of people.
The type of people I want in my circle and at my table.
“I swear, they’re not complete animals … most of the time.” She glances back as one of the guys makes a crude comment. “Except for that one. Clearly.” She shakes her head.
I grin, “Let me tell Hannah, really quick.”
Hannah is too distracted to hear the details, but I assure her I’ll be back before joining Evelyn and heading toward the South Lawn.
“Just to be clear, if someone on the team—or someone not on the team—bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, just find Nolan or Hudson. Grey, Corey, and Palmer are safe, too. And me of course.”
I smile, trying my best not to look dismissive, but I don’t want to hear how great they are. I don’t want to remember that warm sense of belonging from last Saturday that was likely alcohol induced. I was appreciating looking at them all like a bunch of meatheads who lack manners and civility.
“This is crazy. I didn’t expect this many people,” I tell her, hoping to change the subject.
“They open it to the public,” she says. “Everyone can participate.”
“Have you done it before?”
Evelyn shakes her head. “I used to spend my summers here. This is my first autumn.”
“Your first spider season.” I wince.
“Oh my gosh. They’re huge, and they’re everywhere!”
“Everywhere,” I echo. Giant orb spiders seem to crawl out of every stretch of woodlands and converge into towns, making webs on every structure, car, and tree.
“They’ll mostly be gone by Halloween, but I was shocked to see so many last year.”
The conversation turns awkward as we wait in line for drinks. I’m sure it’s my bad mood and distracted thoughts that are to blame. Guilt has me offering to pay the bill when it’s our turn to order.
On our way back, the noise of the crowd keeps things from feeling awkward or forced.
“Need some help?” Nolan asks, reaching for the water bottles gathered in my arms as Hudson moves to help Evelyn with her haul. “You guys bought them out.”
“Yeah, you can pass them out. I’m going to take these to Hannah.”
“What should our strategy be for the run?” Nolan asks, following me.
I shake my head, trying to avoid looking at him or smelling him because everything about Nolan seems to distract me and make me forget that he’s my roommate’s brother and allergic to monogamy.
“My strategy is to not pass out from heatstroke or hairspray inhalation,” I say as a group of cheerleaders spray clouds of aerosol on each other’s hair and face. “Are they breathing it in?”
“It sets their makeup, so the heat doesn’t make it run,” Sam explains as I distribute water to the four of them.
Sometimes, I think I’d fail a written test on how to be a girl. “Learn something new every day.”
Sam looks as though he’s questioning my credibility, but Nolan grins. “Do you play any sports?”
“Does baking count?” I don’t want to tell him I played tennis all through high school and still play singles sometimes on a local meetup group, or that Lanie loves yoga and often bribes me to attend classes with her by getting me iced coffees.
Instead, warning him I might be detrimental to his time and speed sounds like a much safer option.
Nolan’s smile turns playful, twisting that part of me he manages to impact—which is everything. “Yes. You’re going to have to eat cookies.”