20. Hadley
Hadley
T he ache between my legs has kept me from thinking about nearly anything except for Nolan’s proposal for the past seventeen hours.
We were the first to arrive at Camden’s Health Center this morning, bright and early where we filled out questionnaires and background information before being taken back to separate rooms to have blood drawn.
My phone beeps with a notification of a text as I sit in my marketing class, and I find Nolan’s name.
The text includes an attached email: a copy of his results.
My hands are shaking, and my nerves are so great it takes going over the information a dozen times to take in his clean results.
I instantly close the message and open my email, finding my test results have arrived as well.
I don’t need to look at them to know I’m clean, but still review them before forwarding them to Nolan.
Nolan: What time are you going to be home?
Me: Before you’re done with practice.
Nolan: I’ll meet you in the basement at 8.
The afternoon crawls by, and though traffic is dead by the time my second class ends, even the drive home feels exceptionally long.
“Hey,” Katie says from where she’s sitting on the couch, a textbook spread open over her lap, making me jump and then my heart race in an uneven beat.
“Hey. What are you doing?”
She looks at me like I’m asking her if the sun is hot—clearly, she’s studying.
“I mean, I thought you were hanging out with Carsen tonight.”
Katie pulls off a sticky note, stabbing it to a page of her textbook.
“We were supposed to but then his friend called and teased him for being ‘pussy whipped,’” she raises her fingers to make quotes, “and he decided to go out with them because apparently manipulation holds more of a candle than loyalty.”
I wince. “Guys can suck.”
“Exponentially worse when their friends are involved.” She slams the textbook shut. “Do you want to go out? We can gorge ourselves on chicken nuggets and waffle fries and pick up some pumpkins. I’m starting to feel like a Scrooge being the only house in the neighborhood without any decorations.”
I glance at the clock, reminding me Nolan’s going to be home any minute and that I was planning to change and brush my teeth before slipping down to the basement for our first sexcapade.
Socked feet on the stairs allow me to stall as Hannah appears, wearing a light blue mini dress and pigtails.
“ Wizard of Oz ?” I ask
“ Beauty and the Beast ,” she says.
I nod.
“Aren’t you guys getting dressed? There are at least a hundred parties going on tonight. More. Ethan’s on his way over. Colin volunteered to be the DD.”
“Carsen’s ditched me to go out with his friends tonight,” Katie says.
Hannah smiles deviously. “Do you know where?”
Katie shakes her head. “No. This is probably a good thing. We’ve been hanging out a ton. I know it’s good for him to have a social life. I’m just salty that he canceled on me last minute rather than plan something later with them.”
“We could still go out and have a good time. Nothing says you have to stay home and wait for him, right?”
The look in Katie’s eyes reminds me of Lanie when Geoff challenges her. “You’re right.” She closes the textbook. “I still have that devil costume from last year. The one with the red sequin dress.”
“Yes!” Hannah says. “Go get changed.” She turns to me. “Do you still have any of your costumes from last year? Do you want to borrow one?”
Guilt and betrayal eclipse the desire that made it impossible for me to focus on a single damn thing today. “I might pass tonight and go out with you this weekend.”
“Are you sure?” Hannah asks. “We don’t mind waiting.”
“Or I can stay in with you,” Katie says, pausing. “We can order dinner and binge the Halloweentown series like we’ve been talking about.”
“Not without me,” Hannah objects.
The truth, that I’m going to spend tonight with Nolan, is on my lips. I don’t want to lie to them or sneak around behind their backs. I also don’t want to jeopardize my friendship with either of them.
Katie’s phone begins ringing and their inquiring glances shift to her phone. “It’s Carsen,” she says.
Hannah grins. “Looks like someone misses you.”
“I’ll be right back,” she tells us before ascending the stairs.
“Are you okay?” Hannah asks.
I start to nod and then shake my head. “Can I ask you for some advice?”
Hannah nods, moving closer to me. “Of course.”
“What do you think Katie’s reaction would be if I told her I like Nolan?”
She grins. “I’ve been dying to talk to you about him. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to tell me, but I have literally had to bite my tongue probably a hundred times. The way he looks at you…”
“The way he looks at me?”
“He can’t take his eyes off you. Tell me you’ve noticed.”
My heart prods my doubt, looking for validation because I have noticed. But doubt holds the line. “That’s because he’s plotting devious intentions for his next prank.”
Hannah shakes her head. “Like he wants to toss you over his shoulder and ride away into the sunset with you.”
I sputter. “I don’t think those are his intentions.”
“Have you talked to him?”
I nod, my heart beating even faster with equal measures of excitement and giddiness. It feels like a relief to finally talk to someone about this crush I’ve been trying to avoid for so long. I want to tell her about our first kiss, the way he’d carried me after the cookie run, the pool last night.
“Are you guys going to date?”
“Not in the traditional sense…”
Hannah’s eyebrows soar over the rim of her glasses and then she grins, wide and enthusiastically. “Go, Hadley.”
My cheeks burn with embarrassment. “It’s just fun. Nothing serious.”
She nods. “Personally, I think it would be better to explore this dynamic with Nolan without talking to Katie first.”
“But wouldn’t I be lying?”
“It’s an admission of your sex life, not a lie.”
“With her brother.”
Hannah laughs. “I don’t know who my brother or sister-in-law will be, but I can assure you, I have no plans of talking to them about my future sex life.”
“It won’t change my relationship with her,” I say. “I mean, Nolan and I already discussed that we want to remain friends.”
“Friend with benefits.” She nods confidently, as though this is completely reasonable and normal, while the idea still has me feeling like I’m trying to breathe underwater.
“My advice is to test it out. See if you guys enjoy it. There’s a chance you won’t.
Last year, I had a huge crush on a guy, and we tried to sleep together, and it was just weird and awkward, and nothing came out of it.
If that’s you guys, then you’re going to go through a lot of red tape to then backtrack. ”
A pit forms in my stomach. What if sex with Nolan is weird and awkward? What if it’s terrible?
“These are the years we’re supposed to be experimenting and having fun. If it becomes more than casual, then you should tell Katie.”
“You really think so?”
“I do.” She nods. “I’ll take Katie out, so you guys have the entire house.”
I cling to her answer, wanting to believe she’s right because I don’t want to have this discussion with Katie, fearing she’ll forbid it or be upset with us.
“If this is what you want, Katie will understand. She knows she can’t control who you or Nolan date.”
I want to tell her about Nolan’s ex and how that ruined Katie’s friendship, but Katie reappears at the top of the stairs.
“Did loverboy miss you?” Hannah asks.
Katie’s smile is the only answer we need. “He invited us to come out with them.”
“Hadley’s going to stay home. She’s getting a headache. You go change. Carsen will be here any minute.”
Still beaming, Katie jogs down the hall to her room.
“Have fun, be safe, and text me if you need anything,” Hannah says.
“What do I wear?” I ask.
Hannah gives a Grinchy smile. “Nothing.”
I roll my eyes as she howls with laughter.
She sobers, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “Don’t overthink it. It’s casual. Wear whatever’s going to make you feel good.”
I nod, feeling the same tingles of nerves I do at the prospect of public speaking. “Thank you.”
Hannah wraps her arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. “Of course.”
I head upstairs to my room where I stare at my closet, trying to decide what’s going to make me feel more confident.
I hear Hannah and Katie giggle and the door close before forgetting about changing and heading into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I’m reapplying my mascara when Nolan and Hannah’s words replay in my head that we don’t need to make an effort because sex is a guarantee.
I debate if I’m going to go downstairs and find him sweaty and gross post-practice, hair matted in three-day-old sweats.
I am so far in over my head.
I take a deep breath to settle my thoughts and racing heart, apply mascara to my other eye while trying to recall all the reasons this seemed like the greatest idea last night, and ignore the fissure of guilt that’s formed for not telling Katie.
Then I think about last night in the pool and the way I’d wanted him—the way he’d wanted me.
Nolan’s my proverbial bungee jump.
My climb to Mount Kilimanjaro.
He’s parachuting over the desert.
I pull in another deep breath, my lungs flimsy and unsure. The problem is the itch to do something impulsive and crazy doesn’t exist at the moment. I’m safe and comfortable, with a weekend of sleeping in and studying ahead of me.
Shit.
Maybe Nolan’s right. Maybe I’m not the casual dating type.
I step out into the hall, my feelings a whirlwind. I stop at the sight of Nolan, waiting outside my bedroom door.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
He turns too fast, revealing I startled him. He’s wearing jeans and a tee, his hair clean. I smell the citrusy scent of bergamot from here. “I didn’t know if you were hungry, so I was going to ask you if you wanted to get something to eat first.”
First.
Gah.
“I ate before my last class.”