Chapter 4 #3
‘You don’t think the trip would be worth it even if you chilled out and did nothing?’ Max asks, gaze on me sharp enough to
cut.
‘Not really. I like structure. It’s hard for me to just . . . do nothing.’
‘Why?’
It catches me off guard. ‘Is that a trick question?’
‘No, I’m curious. Why does even your time off need structure?’
I think back to how hectic the world around me felt when I was a child.
How much Mum worked and how tired she was when she got home, how everything was so disorganised and such a mess and so many problems felt preventable.
The embarrassment that came with showing up late to everything because Mum never had enough hours in the day for all the things she had to take care of.
How Tahlia’s appearance when I was six cranked up the chaos tenfold.
And then, how much clearer my brain felt when I was old enough to pick up the slack and help out. How I didn’t feel harried
anymore, because I’d set up systems to keep things rolling. I’d done the best I could to help Mum and pay her back in some
way for disrupting her plans when she had me at nineteen.
‘Life is easier to handle when there are processes in place and you know what to expect. It cuts out so much stress.’ I look
between the two of them and can already tell I’m coming across as too uptight. Which probably isn’t conducive to making friends.
‘What about you? What are your goals for the trip?’
Max laughs, and it makes me feel like I’ve walked into a trap. ‘That’s for me to know and you to find out.’ He leans back
to dig his bottle into the sand, and adds quietly, ‘And trust me, you’ll be the first to find out.’
Night brushes the remnants of daylight away in a sweep of dusty purple, and David and another man crouch in the middle of
the circle with their backs to us, trying to light a fire while Bertie throws out tips that may or may not be helpful.
When the second man lets out a low rumble of assent as he turns his face in our direction to pick up something from the floor,
Jude sits up and asks, ‘Who’s that?’
Max follows her line of vision and makes a garbled noise through a mouthful of pizza that I assume is his reply. Jude looks
pointedly at him, and he swallows before trying again. ‘That’s Toby Foster-Brown.’
By all accounts, this does not seem like the type of man I’d assume would capture Jude’s attention.
Fairly lanky, probably around my height, a fleece zipped the whole way to the top, windbreaker and dark-blonde hair whipping in the breeze.
His frown says he is deeply unhappy about being here, but Jude’s looking at him like a lion that’s spotted its dinner at the watering hole.
‘Make yourself useful,’ she says with a few snaps of her fingers in Max’s direction, which he swats away like a bug. ‘What
do you know about him?’
‘I think he’s a, what’s it called, a naturist? Naturalist? Whichever one studies wildlife and shit. He does loads of videography
for National Geographic and BBC Earth and places like that. I wanted to see this geology exhibition of his at a museum a few
months ago but I never got around to it.’
‘Was it at the Natural History Museum?’ I ask. ‘Finn spoke about it so much that Ava agreed to go, but only if I came along
too.’
‘Sounds about right. I bet Finn was beside himself. I’ve never met someone so enthusiastic about everything.’ He laughs and looks at me. ‘What did you think?’
The force of his attention while he waits for my opinion temporarily muddles my thoughts. ‘I mean,’ I shrug, ‘for videos of
rocks, I was pretty engaged.’
‘Exactly.’ Max looks at Jude now, and the sudden absence of his gaze feels like a warm blanket’s been removed. ‘I found some
exhibition clips online, and I’m not kidding; maybe top five sexiest things I’ve ever seen. The shots of lava kind of got
me going, I won’t lie.’
‘That was an extremely odd thing to say, Max,’ Jude says, patting his knee.
‘If you saw it, you’d understand. Most of his stuff revolves around the non-living world, but he focuses a lot on texture
and movement, and, I dunno, he just brings so much life to it. It’s fucking impressive.’ The awe brings something different to his face, something almost boyish in his excitement.
‘It makes me miss using my proper camera.’
‘Why did you stop posting that kind of thing?’ I ask. ‘Your old stuff was good.’
I know instantly I’ve made a mistake, because his excitement is replaced by the smirk I’ve already taken an uneasy disliking
to.
‘So you did stalk me online. And you went deep into the archives.’ He tilts his head as he surveys me. ‘For your information, I prefer the old stuff, but I earn more money
doing what I’m doing now. But let’s return to you. How far back did you go? And why?’
‘She was probably checking you were normal,’ Jude says, and I offer her a grateful glance.
‘I mean, you could’ve just asked my sister,’ Max points out, picking up the beer he’d dug into the sand.
‘Who’d say you weren’t normal,’ Jude explains. ‘I know that’s what I’d say if someone asked me about my brothers.’
‘Brothers?’ I ask. For some reason, this information shocks me. Maybe it’s because she seems so loud and sure of herself,
seems so very much her own person that I can’t fathom how she could possibly be tied to anyone else.
‘Three of them. I’m the only girl.’
‘I kind of assumed you were an only child,’ I admit, and both Jude and Max gasp.
‘That was wildly offensive,’ Max says, wiping a hand across his mouth.
‘I’m sorry,’ I laugh, and Jude cracks too. Max’s smile has no snark to it, and it opens up his entire face. It makes me want
to do silly things, like like him.
Instead, I look back in the direction of the fire, where Bertie is poking at the flames with a stick of his own.
‘I could make a comment about how bad Bertie is at using his wood, but I’ll refrain,’ Max says, following my gaze.
‘He’s trying his best,’ I offer.
’Kind of makes it worse then, doesn’t it?’ he says in a low voice, leaning in.
‘Excuse you two, can we get back on track?’ Jude asks, waving a hand between Max and me and forcing him to look away. I hadn’t
realised how close he’d got. ‘Is Toby single? Is he into women? I need more than just he makes rocks sexy.’
‘I barely know the guy. Any time we’ve spoken he’s been kind of awkward. He’s won a few awards, but I’ve never actually seen him collect them at events in person.’
‘So he’s acclaimed. But is he claimed?’
‘I’d guess that if he’s not single, he’s probably married or engaged.’
Toby holds a lit piece of driftwood against the rest of the pile, oblivious to our stares, and I note, ‘He’s not wearing a
ring.’
‘So maybe he’s single,’ Max deduces, voice flat.
‘But what if he’s not?’ Jude snaps.
‘Then he’s not?’
‘Well, why don’t you know, shitbag?’
‘Politeness can get you a very long way, Judas,’ Max bites back.
Jude rolls her eyes and starts talking to the people on her left, leaving Max and me on the blanket, a chill in the air despite
the growing fire.
Max watches me tug my jumper on and says, ‘It all makes sense now.’
‘What does?’ I’m suddenly more self-conscious than usual, folding my arms across my underwhelming chest while he stares.
‘Your jumper. It’s for Never After, right?’ When I nod, he continues, ‘I get why you and Ava are friends, if you listen to
the same sort of music.’
He drops his hood and makes a half-hearted attempt to flatten his hair, but he has the type of appearance that seems to resist
being kempt. I bet if you were to analyse his DNA, you’d find he’s genetically predisposed to being dishevelled.
‘You know Never After?’ I ask.
‘You don’t grow up with a sister like Ava without being forced to listen to the music she likes. She was like, either both of us are emo, or neither of us are.’
‘And now, both of you are?’
‘I’d like to think I’m a closet emo.’ He leans towards me, bringing with him a hint of something vaguely citrussy. ‘I can’t
have people knowing I cry to old-school Mayday Parade in my room when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’d ruin my brand.’
‘Were all those songs about wanting to get out of your deadbeat town the kick you needed to become a travel content creator?’
‘You get it.’ He’s still a little too close for comfort when he says, ‘And every lyric about the one that got away lets me
experience pining.’
I play with the cuffs of my sleeves. ‘You don’t pine?’
His eyes drag in a languid triangle between my eyes and mouth. ‘I’m typically more of an instant gratification kind of guy.’
‘Dylan, we should chat,’ Bertie says breathily, plopping on to the blanket in front of us and severing whatever thickness
was growing in the air, much to my relief.
Max gives the most unimpressed side-eye before turning his head painfully slowly to look at the new arrival. ‘Hi Bertie.’
‘Hey Matt,’ he replies, and I can almost see steam escaping Max’s ears. Good. He needs a little humbling. Bertie looks back
at me and clasps his hands to his chest. ‘Gosh, you have a fantastic aura. I can’t stop looking.’
‘So . . . do you,’ I reply, which seems to be the right answer, because he inclines his head in a bow.
‘What about my aura?’ Max asks.
Bertie throws him a look. ’Kind of beige.’ Then he glances between us and asks, ‘Did you two settle into your cabin okay?’
‘Yeah,’ I reply. ‘You should drop by someti—’
‘It’s super cosy,’ Max interrupts, widening his legs until one of his knees presses against mine. ‘Can you believe there’s
only one bedroom?’
‘Max is sleeping in the living room,’ I clarify, smiling at Bertie, who’s restless even sitting down.
Max yawns, stretching his arms high above his head. There’s just so much of him. ‘Dylan’s worried she won’t be able to resist me.’
My cheeks heat. Is this what the whole trip is going to be like? Him trying to goad me? Make fun of me?
He picks up his beer with a smug grin and I think about the goal I just set to try new things. And with the smell of campfire in my hair, drinking on a windy beach with strangers, I realise no one here really knows me yet. Maybe I try being someone who pushes back a little. Just for this trip.
‘Dylan can speak for herself,’ I say, voice a little shaky. ‘And I think I’ll be just fine.’
I brace for a retort, but Max doesn’t recoil, or snap at me to learn to take a joke. Instead, glass beer bottle dangling from
his fingers, he says quietly, ‘There she is.’
My stomach dips, a boat dropping from the crest of a wave.
‘What activities will you be doing?’ Bertie asks, and we fall into easy conversation; Max and Jude chiming in every so often,
other people dropping in too, and I try to ignore how aware of my own heartbeat I am whenever Max looks my way.
Night drapes itself around us in a velvet blanket studded with more stars than I’ve ever seen, and in every lull in the conversation,
I find myself looking at the Milky Way. It’s so unlike London’s sky, I could believe I’m on another planet.
Jude and I end up lying on our backs, pointing out the stars and giving constellations increasingly ridiculous names.
‘That’s obviously Felis catus leapus,’ she says, pointing at a clump of stars that, if you squint, could look like a cat jumping.
As I laugh, a twinge of nostalgia pangs, like I already know I’m going to reminisce over tonight before it’s even over.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and jolts me back to earth. The screen feels too bright in this environment, but I find a series
of messages from Mum and Tahlia that must’ve only just come through.
‘Sorry,’ I say to Jude, sitting up. ‘I just need to check this.’
Mum: Hi hun, do you mind helping T out with her accommodation form? There’s something you missed when you did it the other day.
Hope you’re having a lovely time! Xx
Tahlia: mum doesn’t understand the form and i need your wisdom
Tahlia: not that mum isn’t wise please don’t tell her i said that
Tahlia: but you’ve seen all the other forms and know how it all works
I consider texting them back, but I know it’ll be easier to run through it over FaceTime, so I stand, brushing sand from my
thighs.
‘You’re leaving already?’ Jude asks, flipping her hair over her shoulder. ‘We didn’t get to name the clump of stars that looks
like a T-rex wearing a cowboy hat.’
‘Sorry, I need to head back up. I, um,’ I point my phone towards the path, ‘want an early night.’
‘I can walk you up,’ Bertie says, moving to stand too.
‘No, no, you stay. I’ll be fine.’
‘You’re having fun though, right?’ Jude asks quietly.
‘Yeah. I promise. My sister just needs help with something.’
I’m glad the fire’s our only source of light, because otherwise everyone would see the way I squirm and blush at the chorus
of goodbyes sent my way.
As I start walking away under a curtain of stars, Max calls my name. I turn to find he’s the only one still looking at me,
and his eyes gleam in the firelight. He nods in the direction of the cabins and says, ‘Leave a light on for me.’