Chapter 40 #2
My throat tightens. I want to smooth out every line creasing his face, want to take the guilt from his eyes. ‘You’re not doing
me a favour by saving me from some future evil that might not even happen, you know. It’s not jinxing things to hope.’
His thumb pauses its sweep over my cheek. ‘I don’t want you to have to go through that. It’s not fair. You didn’t sign up
for it.’
‘Neither did you,’ I say, and the force of my exasperation makes him blink. ‘It’s not a fault in your character to have been
ill. And I know you think you’re protecting me by staying away, but you don’t have the right to make this decision for me.
I’ve never really known how to just . . . be. But being in that place, being with you, it made me feel like I was present, you know? And even if I had to experience losing you permanently, I’d still have that, and I’d still be happy with the decisions
I’ve made.’
He’s quiet for a moment, brows pulling together as he thinks. ‘Everything I said about making choices for yourself, and I’ve
been taking this decision from you. It’s not just mine.’
‘It’s not,’ I confirm. I move closer, because my voice might be trembling, but I don’t want him to miss a single word of this.
‘I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to experience everything you have, but I promise, you’re so much more than how you
end. You’re everything you are right now, everything you’ve been, everything you will be, everything that’ll live on after
you’re gone. You’re just . . . everything, I think. At least, you are to me.’
We let that sit in the air, bright and intense as the sun, and the hopeful smile that tugs at his cheeks makes my heart skitter.
‘Are you really sure about this?’ he asks.
‘Did you really come all this way hoping I’d say no?’
He lets out a ragged, wet sort of laugh. ‘No. I came here hoping you’d forgive me for being the world’s biggest idiot.’
‘Not the biggest. There are definitely bigger ones.’ But a weight lifts, and I say, ‘I forgive you. I want you to cut yourself some slack, too.’
His shoulders loosen. ‘You’re too good for me, you know.’
‘And?’
‘I’m messy.’
‘That’s not news, Max.’
He opens his mouth like he’s about to make a joke, but his smile drops and he says, ‘I think I should increase the frequency
of my therapy sessions for a bit.’
‘I think that might be sensible.’ His gaze keeps me in place, and I silently commit to do my very best to help keep that trace
of sadness in his eyes at bay, and to sit with him when I can’t. ‘You are good enough for me, you know. Already. I just need us to try. That’s all we can do.’ I release any nerves about being honest
on a long exhale, and the autumn air whisks it away. ‘After all this time, I’m finally making my own choices, and I’m choosing
to take all of you, not just the easy parts. But only if you’ll let me.’
Hope lights his eyes and flows into me, and it feels like the second before a party popper goes off–you know what’s coming,
but still the moment surprises you.
‘I want to let you. I want us to try,’ he says, and that proverbial confetti swirls and settles around us and turns the world
a little more colourful. He weaves a hand through my hair and holds me, and a rising pressure builds in my chest, threatening
to explode from its confines. ‘I’m gonna be really fucking careful for you, Tiny.’
‘Good,’ I whisper, moving closer, that pressure singing in my ears. ‘Maybe I’ll break a few more rules for you.’
When our lips meet under a violet sky, wind searing my skin, the dam bursts and that feeling in my chest cascades through
my entire body, bringing me back to life. It doesn’t need to announce itself, but if it did, it’d knock three times, saying,
It’s me.
Because of course it is. It couldn’t be anyone else.
The view isn’t quite the one we grew used to in Wales, but it’s better than it was yesterday, when I was sitting out here alone. And it’s not silent, because London never is, but it’s quiet enough that Max’s voice sounds extra-loud when he eventually speaks.
‘You said you wanted to go travelling, with your savings. Are you still intending to do that?’
‘If I can.’
‘Can I show you something?’ He disappears for a few moments, then returns with his laptop. He sets it across our thighs and
directs it towards me. On the screen is a PowerPoint presentation, the title saying: FOR DYLAN.
‘What’s this?’
‘I want you to live the life you want, and if that involves exploring the world, I thought you might appreciate some guidance.
I made a list of places I thought you’d enjoy. I would’ve emailed it to you or something, if you hadn’t wanted to talk to
me today.’
He pulls his hand back, expression almost shy when I get to the first slide. It’s a contents page, with all the continents
listed, starting with Europe. He presses the space bar to move us along.
Ericeira (Portugal)
Food, coastal walks and amazing surfing
And beneath it, average temperatures per month, important dates in the calendar, and a rating out of ten from personal experience.
‘Go to the next one,’ he says quietly, resting his chin on my shoulder.
The next slide’s title is: Anywhere in Malta, honestly
Incredible blue water, super relaxing if you want it to be, but with cool tours and water sports too
‘How long did this take you?’
The moon is bright outside, even in London’s dark-grey sky, and it puts his features into stark relief. ‘I actually started
it a few weeks ago,’ he admits. ‘Any time you mentioned something you wished you could do or see, I’d add it to a list on
my phone.’ I’m hit by a memory of him pulling his phone out to note something down on the day it fell into the ocean. ‘After
I lost my phone, I had to move it all to my laptop, but sometimes we’d be in the dining hall or something, and I’d get an
idea and have to run to Eileen in the kitchen to ask for a pen so that I could jot it down on my hand.’ Other memories come
flooding in too; of words scrawled in blue ink on his arm or his hand, and my heart feels like it might explode.
‘I know you like to be prepared, so I tried to include what to expect while I was making the guide. You don’t need to listen
to me, obviously, but . . . it’s here if you want it.’
I flip through the slides, and there are so many that I’m sure it’d take me the whole evening to read them properly.
Delphi (Greece)–LOADS of ruins to explore
Budapest (Hungary)–such a cool city and MUCH less overwhelming than London
Ibiza (Spain)–not just for partying–the island itself is so pretty (and the weather’s better than Wales) (but that’s not hard,
really)
Funtana (Croatia)–I’ve never been but my friend went on a dolphin tour here and loved it
Reggio Emilia (Italy)–beautiful (it’s Italy, of course it is) but visit in August/September for the pear harvest
I only get halfway through the European suggestions before I close his laptop and set it on the table. ‘Thank you. This is really special.’
‘When I started, I thought I was helping make plans for you,’ he says. ‘But I realise now that I wanted to make them with you.’ The lightness in his eyes drops for a moment, and something earnest lines his expression. ‘If you want to do it alone,
I understand. But if you’ll have me, I’d really like to come with you.’
I set my hand on his chest and look up at him with a grin. ‘Give me a reason to say yes, Max Monroe.’
His fingers envelop mine. ‘I can reach things on high shelves.’
‘Not as much of a necessity for me, unfortunately.’
‘You’ll never be bored, because we can play noughts and crosses on the grid tattoo on my arm.’
Our laughs mingle in the moonlight, and I say, ‘You can come with me. I’d like that.’
‘I’m glad you said so,’ he replies, exhaling slowly. ‘Because I can’t imagine going anywhere without you.’
‘Hey.’ I run my fingers through his hair and wait for his eyes to meet mine. ‘I’m proud of you, you know. For thinking about
the future with me. But we don’t have to make huge commitments yet. We don’t have to plan decades ahead.’ I kiss him gently,
then pull back to say, ‘Just promise me tomorrow. That’s all.’
It’s quiet for a few moments. There’s a smile in his voice when he replies, ‘I can do that. I can do tomorrow.’