Chapter 52 A Cup of Bitter Choice
A CUP OF BITTER CHOICE
“One day, you will walk alone into the dark, and you will think you are lost. But you won’t be. The stars will light a path only you can see, and when you follow it, you will find arms waiting to carry you home.”
—Eyleen ársa to Noel, brushing her hair before bed
Noel
“This is for protection,” Elder A?na says as she slips a small trinket into my pocket.
I offer a quiet thank you as she does and ask, “Protection from what?”
“Under a full moon, ethereal beings are very sensitive,” she explains. “And tonight, as you fully awaken, you will enter a state between human and spirit.” She takes my hands in hers as Mina tugs at my hair, braiding it tightly.
My scalp burns, but I say nothing.
“Although,” Elder A?na continues, “you have already been in that state for some time now.”
I nod, then wince when Na?a steadies my head so I won’t move. “Yes,” I reply. “I’ve felt more sensitive . . . to everything around me.”
“You see brighter colors?” Essin asks, leaning in.
“Y-es.” I flinch as Mina pulls even tighter. Does it really need to be this tight?
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” Mina says. “But the braid must hold perfectly for tonight!”
“Tonight, you’ll seal the deal!” Essin grins. “Theron’s seed must take root within your belly. That’s the final part of the union!”
I glance at Elder A?na, seeking reassurance, and she nods.
My chest tightens. I rise from the cushion as soon as Mina finishes the braid. My heart aches. Physically aches.
“What’s wrong?” Na?a’s worried eyes search mine.
“Are you having doubts?” Essin adds, her tone softening.
I shake my head. No, I’m not having doubts. I . . . want to be a mother, to raise a daughter surrounded by love and freedom. I picture her running through open fields, as carefree as a petal carried on the wind. But I know that dream isn’t possible. Not now.
A beautiful nymphá with red-brown hair approaches, carrying a cup in her small hands.
“Mates who didn’t want more children would drink this,” Elder A?na says. “It prevents the seed from taking root.”
The room falls silent.
War is coming. Tomorrow, we’ll be on the move.
I can’t bear a child now. I can’t bring a new life into such a cruel, uncertain world.
Tears well up in my eyes as I take the cup from the nymphá’s hands. My fingers tremble as I raise it to my lips. I’ll have to drink this every moon until the war is over. And it hasn’t even begun yet.
Mina, Na?a, and Essin lower their eyes, giving me the space I need.
The bitter liquid slides down my throat, and the first tear spills over, tracing a hot path down my cheek. I rest my palm on my belly, shut my eyes, and turn my face away. The ache in my chest is unbearable.
It hurts to know I can’t have a baby now, or a pup if I bore a son. But I can’t have either. Not a beautiful girl or a handsome pup. Not while the world burns around us.
The tears fall freely, and I don’t try to stop them. My heart cries with me. Warmth surrounds me, and when I open my eyes, I’m startled to see Elder A?na’s arms wrapping me in a gentle embrace. She holds me close, her fur soft against my skin.
It’s been so long since I’ve been held like this.
I collapse into her, burying my face in her chest as the tears come harder. Loud, painful sobs rack my body, and I let them.
“You have made the right choice, child,” Elder A?na murmurs into my hair.
She’s never called me child before. Always Ethereal Leader, Lidé?en, or Your Majesty—titles that carried distance, making me feel like I stood on a pedestal far from everyone else.
But this single word holds a warmth and closeness I didn’t realize I needed. And I do, truly.
“Thank you,” I whisper into her fur, clinging to her like an actual child. Elder A?na has been more than a mentor to me. In some ways, she’s filled the void my mother left behind. “Thank you for everything.” I let go of her and turn to the others.
Mina, Na?a, Essin, and the nymphí stand quietly.
“Thank you, all of you.” My voice is steady despite the tears still streaking my cheeks.
I wipe them away with the fabric of my dress and ground myself in the strength of their presence.
“Thank you for supporting me, understanding me, and standing by my side. I will fulfill my purpose and make this world a place worth bringing a child into. I will protect all of you with my life.”
Essin bursts into tears, rushing forward to embrace me.
The force of her hug almost knocks me back, but I hold her just as fiercely.
Mina and Na?a exchange hesitant glances before I smile at them, inviting them silently to join.
They step forward, their initial reserve melting away as we fall into a shared embrace.
For a while, we hold each other, whispering soft words of comfort to one another.
This is my family. My people. I will protect them.
ávera is mine, this whole land is mine. I will protect them all.
The girls didn’t even ask if I’d want to go bare during the ritual. They already knew the answer. Apparently, every woman who has ever been here walked bare. I can’t imagine doing such a thing. Maybe I’m just too modest for that. I did agree to go barefoot, though. That’s . . . something.
The sun is setting, its golden light slipping behind ávera’s tree line and painting the forest in shades of amber and shadow. My nerves are on edge. Tonight, I will bond with Theron. Forever.
This isn’t a human wedding where you can run from an abusive husband or “accidentally” poison him. Here, we intertwine our souls.
“The rest of the ritual I’ll guide you through step by step,” Elder A?na says as she adjusts the fabric of my gown.
I nod, turning to look at myself in the water basin.
Even with my eyes still slightly red and puffy, I’m beautiful.
My hair is long and perfectly braided, the length adorned with a few blue roses I grew myself, their petals bright against my dark strands. My new gown fits perfectly. It’s looser than what I usually wear, but it’s elegant and comfortable.
For a moment, I see the faintest hint of my mother in my reflection. Nina always said we looked like two drops of water.
I wonder if she’s doing well. I hope she’s not worried.
I also hope that Mother will be here too. Seeing me like this, beautiful and almost bonded with a great vólkin. I look to my right, half expecting the dove to appear on the windowsill.
I wish you could see me now, Mother.
Four nymphí approach, carrying a length of white, almost translucent fabric draped across their arms.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“A veil,” Mina says with a warm smile.
“It will protect you from ill wishes,” Na?a adds.
The nymphí form a square around me and move as if dancing. Together, they lift the veil into the air, holding it high above me. Slowly, it floats down, landing over my head and covering most of my body.
Everyone in the room steps forward, each holding a candle adorned with carvings. The warm glow dances, lighting the room against the falling night.
“With this fire,” Elder A?na begins, “we will light the fire of your awakening.”
“You will walk in the middle,” Essin explains, her tone brimming with excitement, “and the four of us will be by your sides.”
“And we, Ethereal Leader, will follow behind you,” one of the nymphí says with a kind smile.
Elder A?na steps closer. “The woman shall walk a moonlit path, for all the witness circle to see.”
“A circle . . . as in the circle of life?” I ask.
“You learn fast,” she says with a broad smile, and I notice the pride in her voice.
I’m left alone in my home. Maminka and systritsy went ahead to ensure everything is in place.
It might not have been the best idea to leave me by myself.
Alone with my thoughts. My thoughts . . .
they scare me sometimes. They pull me into places so dark I barely recognize myself.
Sometimes, it feels like something takes over, whispering things I can’t ignore.
I was never a sensitive person, not much of a positive one either.
I’ve always been running, always trying to meet someone else’s expectations.
My mother expected me to be the best at everything.
My commanders were always watching, waiting for me to make a mistake so they could justify kicking me out.
And the soldiers? They saw me as competition more than anything else.
I’ve always felt the need to prove myself. Here, it’s no different.
But what I’ve been through so far? It’s nothing compared to what’s coming. Now, I’m a leader—a leader of the whole fucking world. Vathéria. Do I take the north too? Two continents. Two worlds. How many lives will be lost? How many wolves will suffer?
What if I fail? Will I survive? If I die, Theron dies too.
I’ve never been in a war. The last one was lifetimes ago. Did my mother know she was preparing me for this? Did she ever think I’d end up leading armies? That I’d want to kill the tsar?
I do want to kill him. Not just for what he’s done to Vathéria, but for what he did to her. He raped her. Over and over again. I’ll fulfill her wish. When I get to him, I’ll cut off his cock and make him hold it as he watches himself burn, bleeding into the fire. Yes. That’s exactly what I’ll do.
Here they are again. My dark thoughts.
But tonight, I must be free of them. I must let my mind find peace, if only for a while. Not the best timing, considering tomorrow I might die. But . . . I might not. It’s not all as bad as I fear.
Yes. I’ll free women, children, elders. I’ll break their chains of suffering. I’m healthy. Stronger than I’ve ever been. I’m surrounded by people—vólkins—who trust me, who stand with me. And I know more about my mother now than I ever did when she was alive.
And then there’s Theron.
My big, sweet wolf. Reserved most of the time, but always kind. He takes care of me. He’s strong and steadfast. He never puts me down or tells me I can’t do something. He didn’t laugh or call me insane for wanting a war. He encouraged it. A smile tugs at my lips.
Maybe he’s just as insane as I am. I miss him. The past few days, we’ve barely had a moment to be together.
Heavy thudding reaches my ears. Footsteps. Elder A?na and the others. I stand, smoothing my dress as I inhale. The blue roses in our home seem to glow brighter than ever tonight.
It’s time.