Chapter Twenty-Two
Twenty-Two
JAMES
“Bloody hell, it’s freezing,” I mumble as I step out of the house.
“Not going to lie,” Magnus says, closing the door behind him, “I’m actually getting sick of this weather. Coldest January in a decade. I’m counting down the days to Morocco.”
“So am I,” I admit. Next month the family is going to Morocco, and because the kids are going, that means I get to go. I’ve been craving sunshine like nothing else, and a week in the heat will do me a lot of good.
Unfortunately, it means that Laila will be going too.
Being around her now has become unbearable, and of course I have only myself to blame.
It’s been two weeks since I did the stupid thing where I didn’t reciprocate her feelings and said things in order to push her away, partly because I was protecting her and partly because I was protecting myself. In that time, and since Magnus let me know that the family is totally wise to our affair, I’ve been doing all I can to tell Laila both that I’m sorry and how I feel. I know laying out an “actually I love you too, and that’s what scared me the most because I realized how far gone I was” isn’t going to get me anywhere, but neither is a good old-fashioned apology. Laila refuses to be alone with me, and when we have to interact with each other there’s a fake pleasantness. No one in the house is buying it, which makes things extra awkward because everyone knows why Laila is acting that way, but of course no one is saying anything.
So whenever I’m around her, I feel like I’m being punished over and over again. Something I totally deserve, yes, but quietly devastating all the same. I just want to make her smile, hear her laugh, see that light in her eyes again. I want to be the person who puts that light there, who opens her doors and climbs over the walls, and sees the precious person she hides from me. I want her in every way possible, but I can’t get much more than an icy stare and a cold hello.
My world is very cold now in every way possible.
The SUV pulls up with Einar behind the wheel. Ella, Lady Jane, Laila, and the kids come out of the house, with Lady Jane and Magnus getting in the SUV and the rest of us waiting for the other car to come around.
“Okay, let’s go,” Ella says, and we all pile into Ottar’s car. This is the first time I’ve been in an enclosed space with Laila since everything went to shit, but since I’m in the front beside Ottar, I don’t have to deal with the icy vibes.
“You must be excited,” Laila says to Ella as the car starts down the driveway.
“I am. A little nervous. You know, considering the last time we were in public.”
And there goes that spike of fear again. I can’t pretend that I’m not already on edge over this, though we have extra police presence now, and no one is allowed to get within spitting distance of the royal family without having been thoroughly vetted beforehand.
It doesn’t help that Ella is doing an unveiling of her newest expedition boat for her charity, the Ocean Crusaders, in Oslo harbor, and all the press are invited too. The only good thing about the attack is that it put the focus back on environmental issues in the country, which in turn is giving Ella’s charity more attention.
Of course, there won’t be another attack. I’ll make sure of that. Aside from the extra police, we have a few PPOs taken from the king and queen’s service who will provide extra protection at the scene, and I’m not letting my guard down for a second.
“So what’s the name of the boat this time?” Ottar asks. “Don’t tell me Magnus named it again.” Magnus got the first boat for Ella’s organization, which meant he got to name it. He called it Princess Planet , after his nickname for her. Let’s hope this boat isn’t Princess Planet 2 .
“It’s a surprise,” Ella says coyly, and I eye her in the rearview mirror. Oh, she has something up her sleeve.
While I’m looking in the mirror, though, I also catch Laila’s eyes. And for a split second, I swear I see a flash of warmth in them, like the deep freeze has thawed. It makes my heart skip a damn beat.
Then she hardens and looks away and the moment is lost, as so many of them are these days.
I force that out of my head, though. I have a job to do, and it’s an important one.
Once we get to Oslo and the harbor, we trudge through snow and slippery paths toward the docks where a crowd of people have gathered. There are news cameras and lookie-loos, all hoping to get a glimpse of their beloved royal family, and security has already roped off an area where Magnus stands, Einar behind him. I don’t know how on earth they got here so far ahead of us, but sometimes I think Magnus makes Einar drive at the speed of light. Or maybe Einar does it for fun. He probably used to be a rally driver.
People and security part for us and I bring up the back, knowing they’re protected from the front. Ella goes to Magnus and waves to the crowd—it is her moment, after all—while Laila guides the boys behind Ella and Magnus. We’re close to the end of the dock but not close enough to fall off, with the boat covered in a big tarp, ready for the unveiling. I stand on one side of the boys with Laila bookending the other, and I keep an eye out for anything unusual.
Ella talks to the crowd—in English, since there are media from all over—all about how Ocean Crusaders did a lot last year and they’re hoping to do much more with their second boat and the big group of organizers, activists, and volunteers that they have. But I’m not listening much. I’m glad to see her in her element—even though she says she doesn’t like the spotlight, she really comes alive when she’s talking about her organization—but I’m paying attention to everyone in the crowd, memorizing every face, reading body language. So far, everything seems fine and people seem really interested in the cause (okay, there are some protesters with signs in the background, calling out the government for killing a friendly walrus that visited the harbor a few years back, but that’s to be expected).
Finally we get to the unveiling. I back the boys up a little bit, standing behind them now, as Ella and Magnus grab the ends of the tarp and lift it off with aplomb.
“Introducing our newest research vessel, the Dame Jane !” Ella announces.
I hear Jane gasp from the crowd. Yes, Ella named the boat after Lady Jane. I shake my head.
“Maybe in ten years there will be a boat called The James ,” I say to Laila, forgetting for a moment that she hates me.
She turns her head to scowl at me, and then her eyes widen because a seagull has decided to dive-bomb us.
Which causes Tor to yelp and cling to Laila.
Which causes Bjorn to laugh, twist around on his heel, and chase after the bird.
I reach out to stop him, missing him by an inch, yelling his name, but he’s running off down the dock.
“Bjorn, stop!” Laila screams.
And to his credit, he does listen, his eyes going wide at the sound of Laila’s scream.
But he stops so fast he slips on the dock and goes sliding off the edge.
Onto a piece of ice on the water, where he slides farther along.
I’m already running for him, hoping to grab him from the ice before he falls into the water.
“I’ve got you!” I yell, reaching for the hood of his coat.
But I’m a second too slow.
He slides, crying out now, and then goes into the water, fully submerged.
Ella lets out a bloodcurdling scream, and I can hear Magnus running as fast as he can behind me, but I’m already launching myself onto the ice. I’m not the size of Bjorn and it immediately breaks underneath me.
I sink down into the water, it goes over my head, and it’s so cold, so cold, that I’m sure my heart has stopped and that I’m going to die here. I can’t think, the air is frozen in my lungs, and I open my eyes to near darkness, this inky, deep gray blue surrounded by bubbles.
I could let myself go. I could just let myself sink. There’s a part of me that wants to, that thinks I should, that maybe this is what I deserve. How would the world change without me in it? It wouldn’t even notice. It would probably be better off. My parents seemed to think so. My father certainly thought so. My ex-wife thought so too. They all probably wished I would just disappear into the ocean one day and never return.
But as tempting as it is to just sink, I know I can’t.
Because the world would notice if I was gone.
Because an innocent little boy would be taken with me.
Bjorn! I yell inside my head, and I’m frantically splashing around, trying to get feeling in my limbs while I’m running out of air, and then I see him, his eyes open and staring at me, alive but drowning.
I grab him and I kick, and in seconds we burst through the surface.
I’ve got you , I try to tell him, but I can’t speak. I can’t even take in any more air. I use all the strength I have to swim toward the end of the dock where Magnus is reaching down. I’m sinking as I try to hold Bjorn above water.
Magnus grasps Bjorn by the arms and pulls him out of the water, and I push through the surface again, the current taking me a few inches away from Magnus. He quickly hands Bjorn to Ella, then lies down on the edge and tries to reach for me.
“Come on, James,” he says as I’m about to sink again. “Kick, you shitbag. Just a few more inches.”
I’m starting to feel myself slip away. It’s so cold that I can’t even think, the ice affecting my brain, my will.
I’m starting not to care.
I did my duty.
“James, please!” Laila yells at me as the water starts to go over my head, her voice becoming muffled. “James! Come on, please!”
The sound of her pain…
Somehow I muster up all the strength that I have and kick as hard as I can until I break through the surface and am closer to the dock.
Magnus grabs the top of my coat, pulling me closer, then grabs me by the arms and hauls me up onto the dock.
“Ambulance is on the way,” I hear Lady Jane say, as I’m turned over on my side and I cough out water.
“He’s in shock,” Laila says. “Where are the blankets?” Her arms go around me, trying to hold me to her, as if to give me her warmth. It’s not working, and yet I don’t ever want her to let go.
“They’re coming,” Magnus says grimly, and I feel him smack my arm. “You’re going to pull through, James, just know that. Just stay with us, okay?”
My teeth are chattering so hard I can hardly hear him, and I think I’ve already cracked a tooth. “B-Bjorn?” I try to say.
“He’s fine,” Magnus says. “He’s got blankets on him—he’s okay. You saved him.” He looks over his shoulder. “Look, we have blankets for you now.”
“The ambulance is here,” I hear Einar say.
Suddenly blankets appear and Laila is wrapping one around me, tears streaming down her face.
“There you go again,” she says to me, her voice shaking though she’s attempting a smile through her tears. “Always saving someone.”
“It’s…” I try to speak but I can’t form the words. I can’t stop shaking.
It’s my job , I finish in my head.
And that’s when I realize that no matter what happens, no matter how I feel about Laila and how she feels about me, I’ll always be able to do my job. I will always be here to protect someone. It’s in my DNA, in the very fabric of my being.
But for once, with Laila holding me close, the blanket wrapped around me, everyone staring at me with encouraging if not tear-filled smiles, urging me to stay awake, I know that even though it’s my job to protect these people, it’s nice to know they want to protect me too.