Chapter 26
inn’s chambers are freezing when we return sopping wet. I let Dante out of my pack, and the fox chitters happily as he makes himself at home. The fire in the hearth has gone out, and Finn rushes forward to light it. “Sorry. The servants are all probably busy.”
“No problem,” I say. But I’m shivering.
He looks back over his shoulder as he starts stacking the logs. “Do you want to wash up first? I’ll get the fire going, and then we can talk.”
I pause, momentarily torn. Ideally, I should get this over with. Realistically, a bath sounds heavenly.
I cave. Finn’s bathroom is equipped with a large bathtub with bronze dragon talons on the base. I feel numb as I peel off my clothes, then start the bath and comb out my hair. It’s gotten so much longer since I arrived at the castle.
I soak in the bath until the water turns cold.
I know Finn’s waiting for me outside, and maybe that’s why I take so long.
I sense where this moment is headed, the crossroads we’re approaching.
He may not want to kill me, but I have to be prepared with all of the reasons I still need to leave.
It’s the least that I owe him. This is going to crush me; I can only assume it will destroy him.
I take my time drying. I don’t skip the chance to raid the assortment of lotions and balms. I lather slowly, and once I’m dried and perfumed, I feel calmer than I have in days. I pad back out to his room with a towel wrapped around me.
Finn is snoring on top of the bed, still wearing his Frumentari uniform. There are dark circles under his eyes, and I wonder how much he’s slept since the attack.
I creep gently toward him, focusing on small, quiet movements that won’t disturb his sleep.
I pick up a quilt from a chair and carry it over, then curl up beside him, drawing the curve of my body against the hard line of his back.
When I tuck my head against his neck and focus on the thrumming, I can count his heartbeats.
Stolen time. That’s all I’ll ever get, it seems. Our impending severance hangs overhead like the blade of a guillotine, but I’m trying very hard not to think about it.
Right now, I’m dividing my life into minutes and seconds.
I want to savor the remaining ones with Finn.
I am stepping into the daydream one more time, fantasizing about a world where we’re together.
It’s not long before I drift off, too.
I wake up to the sounds of Finn stoking the fire. I’m still in his chambers. Blearily, I study the room. It’s still dark out. The firelight casts wobbling shadows over everything.
“Hey,” Finn says, noticing my movement. He crosses to the bed.
My voice is thick from sleep. “Sorry. I dozed off.”
“It’s all right. I think we both needed that.”
He hesitates. Marking the indecision, I lift my quilt and pat the spot next to me. “Come here.”
The blankets rustle as Finn crawls in, and his warmth envelops me. His face is shadowed as he rests his head on the pillow, his gaze undressing me.
“It doesn’t make a difference to me,” Finn repeats. “I need you to know that. I’d feel exactly the same if you were a human. I love you, Lyria. Nothing else matters.”
I love you.
Those words are all I’ve been aching to hear. I just can’t ignore the ones that followed.
“Maybe nothing mattered in the cottage,” I say, swallowing. I push down the rising swell of magic. “Maybe here”—I gesture between us—“nothing matters in this space. But I can’t outrun who I am. And I’m not going to be able to hide it forever.”
“But you could,” Finn protests, angling up on his elbow. “You’ve been doing it this long! There are surgeries for your ears. No one would have to know about your magic. We could keep your secret together.”
I bristle at the picture he tries to paint. I draw back slowly from him, recoiling. “So, I’d pretend to be human for the rest of my life?”
“Or not!” he amends quickly. “Maybe just for the time being? We could come forward once it’s safe.”
My Talent swells, the heat changing, shifting, like wildfyre. That’s not love. That’s putting me on a shelf. Keeping me waiting for a future that may never arrive.
“Our marriage would benefit all the Midlands,” he continues. “You could change minds. We could demonstrate a better future, together.”
I don’t believe him. His words are too little, too late, and his confidence is fragile.
I see a crack in his armor, and I hear the tremor of doubt in his speech.
Finn’s not sure if he can manage this politically.
He’s desperate to keep me—to control me?
Cherish me? Protect me? I can’t be sure—but he’s desperate to do right by his father, too.
I can see his internal debate. Lyria or the throne? Love or my father?
The offer I’ve been given is to either marry Finn and wait indefinitely for Rodrick to die, or fight like hell for the Crown, neither of which sounds appealing.
The gloves are off, so I go for the jugular. “What about your father? Will he approve of the wedding?” I let hurt leak into my voice—laying the sarcasm on thick. “Will his views be transformed after he learns the truth about his daughter-in-law?”
Finn swallows, straining the muscles in his neck. “You know I don’t agree with my father’s views. He’s never going to accept magic, but that doesn’t mean I can’t.”
“That would sound more convincing if it wasn’t coming from the captain of the Frumentari.”
“I should not have to tell you that life is complex,” he retorts.
“I’m not evil by default! I’m not the man my father is!
This isn’t heroes and villains. It’s ridiculous I have to argue that!
” Finn’s head drops. “You saw what they did to my brother. I didn’t start this fight, I’m just stuck trying to finish it.
I want to believe there’s a world where you and I can come out on the other side of this.
But that requires playing my cards right. ”
I cross my arms. “Is that politics or evasion?”
“It’s patience.”
“You’re asking me to live in the shadows.”
“I’m asking you to live with me.” Finn sighs, struggling.
“The attack threw something into clarity for me. My parents have been pressuring me to finalize an engagement, but I’ve been dragging my feet and in denial about why.
When Sebastian was hit…in that moment, I realized how much you mean to me, and how much I want to spend my life with you.
I want a future together, Lyria. There is no one else I’d rather have at my side as my queen.
But that requires you to stop running. We both have to fight to stay alive and stay together. ”
I don’t know what to believe. Some of Finn’s words echo dreams that I’ve held for myself, my deepest hopes for companionship and influence.
I want to believe him. Gods, I wish it could be that simple. I want a future with him more than I’ve ever wanted anything—even freedom. But there are fundamental parts of me that can’t absorb his words as truth. I stare back at him for a long time.
“I told you I have something to show you.” Finn rushes to his desk, yanking open the top drawer. He procures a fist-size item, then returns to the bed.
My pulse rises to a sledgehammer intensity, pounding at my temples.
“This was my grandmother’s ring, and it belonged to her grandmother before that.
It’s been passed down through my family for generations.
” Finn opens the box. Inside lies a princess-cut diamond, set in a glittering band with smaller gems encircling it.
When I meet his eyes, I can’t breathe. “I’ve already spoken with my mother and she’s given us her blessing.
I’m going tomorrow morning to meet my father in Westgate and speak with him then.
” Removing the ring from the box, he moves back a bit.
“Lyria.” He sinks onto one knee beside the bed.
Every voice inside my head screams to stop him. Not here. Not now. It’s not right. But I can’t bring myself to speak up. My chest is being torn in half.
“From the moment we met, you have made me reconsider everything about how I see the world,” Finn says, with earnestness that makes my heart ache.
“I have never met anyone as brave or compassionate. If you would do me the honor of sharing your life with me, I would never stop working to become the man you deserve. I would protect and honor you with all that I have and all that I am.” His eyes burn with a thousand more declarations, an eternity of promises.
His voice trembles when he asks, “Will you marry me?”
This is a moment when I wish I could make time stop. Because I can feel myself rent cleanly into two people: the girl who wants to say yes with a brimming heart, and the woman who needs to say anything else.
I’m at the fork in the road where one future has to die. I have to kill the dream now.
I do the only thing I can think of. I kiss him.
For the first instant, he’s frozen. I can feel Finn’s hesitation, his fingers still gripping the ring.
I pull back.
“Lyria?” he asks, searching my face.
Never before have I felt so uncertain about the world and my place in it. Never have I been so conflicted, euphoria and terror and hope and doubt all mingling in my constricted chest.
“Can I put it on?” I ask thickly.
My response is something like a maybe. But it’s enough to light his face and turn the corners of his lips up. Finn slides the ring on. It’s a perfect fit. I hold it up for examination, while Finn says appreciatively, “I could get used to seeing you in nothing but that.”
I kiss him again in response because I can’t say my true answer. I can’t choose his side in this war.
So I communicate without words. With my hands, I express how much I love him and how badly I wish I could be his wife. I put all of that into my movements, because those words will have to stay unspoken. But I can give Finn the only thing I have to offer him. I can give him tonight.