Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Decker
Penelope’s quiet for a moment. She sets her fork down and looks across the grass to where Hazel is sitting on the platform, legs swinging, a small smile on her face.
“No,” she says. I don’t think I’m going to get more from her, but she continues a few seconds later. “He found out I was pregnant, and he chose not to be involved… and that’s it.”
“Oh, I’m sor—”
“I’m not. If he doesn’t want her, I don’t want him anywhere near her.” She sighs. “I’ve tried to make sure the absence doesn’t feel like a hole in her life, but as she gets older, there are more and more questions.”
“That’s hard.”
She exhales. “When she watches Monroe with Hayes, I see it on her face. The longing to have that in her life. I think I’m running out of time before I have to tell her that her dad chose not to be involved in her life.
I’m hoping my dad can fill that role a little bit, and I try to be both, although it feels impossible. ”
“Distract her with a dog.” I’m mostly joking, so I don’t volunteer and say I’ll be her dad. Because to take on the role of her dad means taking on the role of someone important to Penelope. That fucking Rule Number Two floats across my mind again—don’t make promises you can’t keep.
“Um… no.” Penelope turns to me.
“We were in your backyard doing the hula hoop, and there was a dog barking a few houses down. She said if she had a dog, she’d teach it tricks, and then they could do the talent show together.” I smile at the memory. “She said you’d say the house needs too much work before you could get a dog.”
Penelope opens her mouth and closes it. “That’s—I probably would say that.”
“She’s not wrong about the house needing work.”
She gives me a warning glare. “Don’t start.”
“I’m not starting anything. Just… I know a guy. He does renovation work for some of the guys on the team. He’s good, and he won’t take advantage.”
She looks at me with the expression she gets when she’s deciding whether to accept help. I’ve learned to wait it out. Penelope takes help on her own terms and on her own timeline and pushing only elongates the process.
Finally, she settles on, “Maybe.”
I’d love to help her around the house myself, but at some point, we have to stop being in each other’s orbit if we’re going to move on.
Hazel has descended from the platform and ventures over to the swings.
“She’s going to be fine,” I say. “She’ll survive without a dad. I did.”
Penelope looks at me. Something in her expression shifts. “I know… it’s the guilt though. What kind of man wouldn’t want her?”
Anger fills my chest. “Not one worth knowing. He’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve to be in her life. He’s the one missing out.”
Tears fill her eyes. “Thanks.”
“It’s the truth. She’s got a grandfather who adores and loves her—sure, he might use her as a buffer from the press sometimes, but that’s okay.”
She laughs.
“She’s got Monroe, a best friend who would go to war for her.” I pause. “And she’s got a mom who would put herself in the most uncomfortable situation she can imagine just to make sure she can hula hoop in the talent show.”
She wipes her eyes and turns to me, knowing it’s the truth.
I take her hand. “She’s not missing anything.”
Penelope looks at my hand over hers on the blanket between us. Then she meets my gaze, and neither of us says anything because there isn’t anything to say beyond what I know we’re both feeling right now.
“Thank you.” She looks at the playground, and I follow suit.
Hazel spots us and waves both arms. We wave back at the same time, and she turns around looking satisfied, as if she just needed to confirm we were still here.
I keep hold of Penelope’s hand.
She doesn’t pull away.
I’ve been in love with this woman since I was eleven years old, and I’m sitting on a blanket holding her hand while her daughter waves at us from a slide. I keep saying I can manage this. It might be time I stop lying to myself.