28. Sona
SONA
I had it all. Then, in a flash, it was gone. All of it. Every bit of it.
March turned out to be more demanding than I was prepared for. I had a draft to polish for a conference and needed to respond to several calls for papers. The clock ticked on revision and submission deadlines, and teaching, grading, and meetings demanded my attention like petulant children. To top it all off, the university in Houston had scheduled my final interview that month.
Initially, Mihir had planned to see me in Houston, but an unexpected meeting changed that plan. We spoke on the phone on Thursday night before my second packed day of interviews.
When I returned home late Friday night, I was exhausted. I called Mihir first thing the next morning, but he didn’t answer, which was not unusual at this point in our relationship. I texted him to call me when he got a chance. He didn’t. That was not unusual either. He often lost track of time when he worked, so I called him again that evening. But when he didn’t answer again, I got a bit worried. I waited for him to call or text. Neither came.
I was ready to work myself up into a panic when I called him again on Sunday morning, but he texted, Busy. Will call later. That consoled me. Busy was alright, busy was good. Unreturned calls and texts were worrisome. I trudged along my day, prepping meals for the week and cleaning up the remnants from a busy workweek, all the while anticipating my phone to ring. But it didn’t.
When I turned in that night, I texted him, Going to bed now. Kept waiting for your call. Hope you’re not working too hard. Call me when you’re up tomorrow. Love you. Can’t wait to see you again.
Monday turned into Tuesday without a call. That night in bed, I texted him again. I’m really worried now. Calling Aunty.
Within two seconds, he called me back.
“Oh my god,” I cried. “I was so worried! Don’t you ever do that to me again!”
“Hey,” he said in a flat voice.
“What happened? Is everything alright? Please talk to me! Are your parents okay?”
“Yes, they’re alright. Everything’s fine.”
“Let’s switch to video,” I said. “I haven’t seen you in a week.”
“No, this is fine.” Flat tone again.
“Mihir, what’s the matter?”
He heaved a sigh. “It’s not working out, Sona.”
“What, darling? Trouble at work?”
“No.” A pause. “ This ,” he emphasized. “ Us . It’s no longer working for me.”
“Ha ha, very funny,” I said and collapsed on the bed. “Is that why you’ve been ditching my calls? Nice try, Mr. Seth, but you can’t get rid of me that easily either.”
I waited for a chuckle, a titter, a laugh that did not come. “Mihir?”
“We are over, Sona. I’m sorry.”
That sent a thunderbolt up my body. I sat up. “What?”
“I’m sorry.” He hung up.
What the what just happened?
I called him back. He didn’t answer, but I kept calling until he did. “What the heck, Mihir? What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. His voice was hoarse. He didn’t sound like himself, and that terrified me as much as his words.
“I don’t need your apologies. I need an explanation,” I barked into my phone.
“I don’t have one. I can’t do this anymore.”
“You pursued me and persuaded me to trust you. You proposed marriage not three weeks ago. What changed?”
“Nothing’s changed, Sona. It’s nothing to do with you. I am who I was. I-I tried. You’re smart, savvy, and sexy as hell…”
“You promised me! You promised me you wouldn’t do this. You wouldn’t walk out on me. You asked me to marry you!”
“But that’s the…problem,” his voice faded. Then he cleared his throat and continued, “I’m not the marrying type.”
“ That’s your excuse? Are you kidding me right now? I’m calling your mom. I need to know what happened.”
“You will not call her,” he said with a determined snarl. “This is between you and me, Sona. Keep my parents out of it.”
Adrenaline coursed through my body. I felt like I was talking to a stranger.
“Mihir, please…”
I hadn’t pleaded when Ajay broke it off. I had fought back teeth and claws. This was different. It felt different—in my heart and my gut.
So I pleaded, but he roared in my ear. “Don’t ever call them. I mean it,” he said and hung up.
And that was it.
I felt like I’d stopped breathing. Despite my devastating past, I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with him, because he had asked me to put my faith in him. I’d trusted him with my heart, my life, my dreams. He had just squashed them all and walked away, dusting off his hands callously. It’s nothing to do with you, he said . But it had everything to do with me.
I did the only thing I could think of. I called Tara. She answered instantly.
“Hey! How goes it, Professor? Eagerly awaiting the Houston offer letter?” She chuckled, and though I hadn’t intended to cry, her words pushed me to tears almost instantly. I wept softly at first, and then I gave up all self-respect and bawled like a child.
“Sona! Kaay zhala?” she asked in Marathi, her voice urgent and scared. “Please tell me. I’m about to panic.”
“Don’t.” I hiccupped.
She waited while I tried to get my sobs under control.
“Mihir just broke up with me,” I said.
“What?” she shrieked.
“What’s wrong?” I heard Sameer’s voice near her.
“She says Mihir broke up with her,” Tara said to him.
“Shit!” I heard Sameer’s voice and burst into tears again. “I’d fucking warned him about this. Put her on speaker,” I heard him say.
“Sona, is it alright if I put you on speaker? Sameer is here.”
“Yes,” I sobbed.
“What happened, Sona?” Sameer repeated Tara’s question.
“I have no idea. We spoke on Thursday, then he ignored my calls until tonight when he said it’s not working out. I don’t know what to think.”
“What did you talk about on Thursday?” Tara asked gently. “Did you have a disagreement? Maybe he’s angry about something and needs time to cool off.”
“No, that’s not like him,” Sameer said.
“I know what you’re doing, Tara, but Sameer is right. That’s not like him. He doesn’t let things fester. He tackles them head-on. And no, we didn’t have a disagreement. I was in Houston for the interview. We had a very normal, almost routine call before bed.”
I wailed shamelessly, and they supported me with their silence. “He said he isn’t the marrying kind.”
“That’s bullshit! He told me how happy he was,” Sameer cried. Then I heard Tara’s hushed voice, followed by Sameer’s whisper. “Sorry!”
Tara took me off speaker. “Hey love, look, I’m really sorry about this. He might be going through something, but Sameer and I will talk to him and see what’s going on. This is unacceptable.”
“No, that’s not why I called you, Tara. I just need your support right now. You have your own relationship with him, and I don’t want this to alter it. This is what I had feared from the start. That’s why I shouldn’t have gotten into this in the first place.”
“Hey, this is not your doing. I won’t let you blame yourself. You both knowingly stepped into this relationship. He knew just as well what was at stake. And as far as our relationship goes, it’s already been affected. You can’t expect me to trust him after this. I’ll most definitely hold a grudge against him, even if Sameer reconciles.”
There was a pause while they conferred.
“Sameer is calling him now.”
“No, please don’t! I don’t want him to think I’m using you to get to him.”
“No, sweetheart. You know Sameer. He’s not going to do your bidding, but he’s angry too. He’s going to call him anyway.”
I cried some more. “Can you stay with me on the phone? I need someone.”
“Of course, love. I’m stepping into the guest room now. I’m right here with you.” I heard shuffling, followed by the sound of a door shutting close.
After I was cried out, I slept through the night. When I woke up, my phone was cradled against me, drained out of battery. I put it to charge and started my day. I knew Tara would call soon to check up on me. Thankfully, I didn’t have to teach, so I stayed home. I emailed to cancel my meetings. I had a committee meeting, but at this point, I was past giving a penny. I needed self-care, and I was taking the day for it.
When Tara called around 10 a.m., she said, “You sound better.”
“I feel better. I’m hurting, but I can’t afford to keep crying about it, not at this stage in my life.”
“You won’t have to, I promise,” Tara said.
“I love you, Tara. I can’t imagine how last night would’ve been if I didn’t have you.”
“I know. I’ve been there, and you were my rock. I love you too. Now get something to eat, and I’ll see if I can come up for a visit during your spring break.”
In April, Tara flew up, and together, we spent the most relaxing spring break I’d had in my teaching tenure. We stayed away from the crowded beaches to go dancing, shopping, and bowling. We also caught a few Broadway shows. She didn’t bring up Mihir, and neither did I. From Tara’s demeanor, it appeared as if she’d made peace with the fact that Mihir and I were over.
And boy, were we over! He hadn’t called or texted after that night.
The last time we’d spoken before the wretched break-up call, he’d said he was confused and worried. What was it that his parents had kept hidden from him? I needed to know if he was alright.
Against my better judgment, I cast my hurt aside and reached out to Mihir, only for him to send my calls to voicemail. After the first few tries, I got his voicemail after a single ring. Seemed like he had blocked my number.
They say the harder you love, the more you hurt. I’d never been one to believe in such truisms. Turned out, some of these trite aphorisms actually held a kernel of truth. How else did my pining make sense? When Ajay had broken up with me, it had been my ego that was shattered, not my heart. I’d never found myself pining for him. Rather, I lamented the damage the relationship had caused to my dignity and self-respect.
With Mihir, my entire being felt bereft. My body, heart, and soul seemed to be grieving his loss. But then, I should’ve known better, shouldn’t I? I had willingly stuck my hand in the fire and enjoyed doing it. Had I really expected that it would not consume me whole and leave me devastated?
“Did you hear back from the university in Houston?” Tara’s question pulled me out of my misery as we sat outside her favorite bakery in Manhattan the day before her flight to Dallas.
I nodded. “They’ve made me an offer.”
“What!” She sat up with a proud smile. “That’s good news, right?”
I sighed. “Yes.”
“Are you rethinking your decision to move?” she asked solemnly.
“I don’t know. It’s definitely a better job, but it’s maligned with too many memories, too many hopes and dreams.”
She nodded.
“On the other hand, I really enjoyed talking to my potential colleagues when I interviewed. It’s a much bigger and richer university, so the opportunities are better. The teaching load is lighter, which will give me more time for research and writing. Overall, it’s an obvious choice, a no-brainer. Life will be a tad easier too, with you being closer. Houston has a large South Asian diaspora, so I will not miss out on those connections either. Plus, I have already told my Department Head about the offer. It will be a really sticky situation if I back out now.”
“Are you looking for reasons not to move but can’t find any?” she asked, playing with her cupcake wrapper.
“Perhaps.” My freaking heart was still pining for Mihir and being in New York would give me an adequate distance to move on from him. “I’m still negotiating my salary and credit for previous research and teaching. That way, I won’t have to reset the clock on my tenure.”
“Are you still planning to go to India this summer?” she asked, although her tone suggested she had something else on her mind.
“Yes, but if I move to Houston, I’ll have to redo the review protocol with the new university to work with human subjects, so I won’t be able to do my interviews as planned. I still do want to go spend some time with them.”
She nodded, and her eyes blinked in thought. “Sameer talked to Mihir,” she said softly testing the waters.
When I didn’t erupt in anger or annoyance, she continued. “He fed us the same BS that he isn’t interested in a long-term relationship. We don’t buy it either, but Ma said there was some tension between his parents and him.”
I sat upright; she had just confirmed my fears. She regarded me with curious eyes. “You know something about that, don’t you?”
“The week after he visited me last month, he called me from his parents’ home and said he suspected them of hiding something from him.”
“What’s that?”
I shrugged. “We never got around to talking about it. He said he was going to talk to his parents the next morning. When I asked him the next day, he skirted the issue, saying he’d have something concrete soon. That never happened. Do you think this has something to do with that? What do you know?”
“Not much,” Tara said, delicately wiping her mouth with a napkin. “Ma called Aunty like she often does, and it seemed like she had been crying. When Ma prodded a little, Aunty vaguely said she’d had an argument with Mihir. No details, but he has been MIA at every social event since. I tried reaching out a few times, but he doesn’t take my calls. Sameer emailed him a few times, pretending to seek advice on something work-related because that’s all he would talk about. Sameer thinks it’s the only way to keep the lines of communication open. He’s certain Mihir is still hung up on you.”
Mihir adored his parents. What could have caused the rift?
“Do you think I should reach out to Sneha aunty?” I asked, unsure of what I wanted.
Tara’s body rose and fell with a sigh. “You could try.”
“But Mihir was terribly brusque when he asked me to stay away from his parents. Are they doing alright? Have you seen them lately?”
Tara nodded. “Mihir asked Sameer to visit them. Sameer and I drop in occasionally and check on them. Aunty has never given an indication that anything is wrong, but she is not her usual spirited self these days.”
I wanted to break protocol and reach out to them. Hadn’t I declared that my relationship with them stood outside the purview of my association with Mihir? But when was it ever a good idea to contact your ex’s parents after he categorically asked you to leave them alone?
“I tried to call him,” I broke the silence softly. “He has blocked my number. I wanted to get in touch with his parents, but he warned me off. I am out of options, Tara. I don’t know how to help him if he doesn’t let me in.”
“We’ll keep trying. It has to be something serious that he has turned us all away like this,” Tara said sagely.
I looked at my half-eaten cupcake. “What is he hiding from us?”
Tara shook her head and shrugged.
“Sameer ran into him at lunch last week,” she continued after a pause. “He has lost weight and looks different. Slumped is the word Sameer used.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better, Tara. In fact, it makes me sadder. I don’t have to tell you I still have feelings for him.”
“I know. That’s why I didn’t want to bring him up, but I thought you should know. Anyway, tell me about your summer plans in India.”
My chest tightened. What the heck was he doing—with his life and mine? I was angry, but that didn’t mean I’d stopped caring for him.
My eyes burned. When I had walked away from Mihir—twice—he had chased me down and forced me to face my demons. Now, when he was possibly facing his own demons, I couldn’t let him untether us so easily.
He had blocked my number, but I could still use Tara’s phone. She agreed, gladly.
You probably don’t want to hear from me, but I know how terrible you are at asking for and receiving help. I’m offering anyway. You know where to find me. I can be a friend if you need me to be one ~S
P.S. I didn’t steal Tara’s phone for this. Just borrowing it.
I hoped the lighthearted tone would help open some sort of portal to get us out of this dark hole in our relationship.