Chapter 45
CHAPTER 45
I’M TIRED OF HEALING BY NOAH HENDERSON
March
Brianne Archer:
Bellamy is now a drafted NFL player. Bellamy. My best friend. My brother. He’s moving to New York City this summer to play for the Giants with his girlfriend. And I won't be going with him. My brother will leave, and be over 2,000 miles away from me, the farthest we’ve ever lived from each other since I was born.
And he’s over the moon.
I’m happy for him. I really am. But being here. Being in Washington alone and without him… Letting him leave me in a few months when we’re still not fully rekindled in our relationship makes me want to cry. It makes me want to break down. It makes me want to call my therapist. But just like everyone else in my life. I haven’t talked to her in far too long. I haven’t answered her checkups. It’s too late for me to want that.
Bellamy is celebrating right now with all of his friends. Griffin came back for his drafting. So they’re all out right now. And I wanted to be out too so I did just that. To a place all on my own of course because I can’t party with my brother. He invited me, but I know he didn’t mean it. It was obvious it was out of pity. And I’m drinking for an entirely different purpose than he is. He’s celebrating, I’m mourning. My brother’s relationship with me will officially be dead by the time July rolls around. It will be over along with everything else in my life. Part of me wonders if I should even continue at SPU. If being here has done anything for me but ruin my life.
Dance is the only normalcy I have. And even that I feel like I’m failing at. I could dance anywhere. I don’t need this. Especially with Bellamy leaving. The thought is so sad it hits my chest. So I order another shot. Then another. And another and then the bartender tells me I need to go home and I tell him I have nowhere to go. I’m escorted to the front of the bar, wobbly on my feet. I drove here tonight. That wasn’t smart of me, especially now that I can’t drive home. I could ride in an Uber, but that would be dangerous for me. I can hear Parker in my head, telling me to be careful and safe. This wasn’t careful or safe.
“Who can I call for you?” the guy asks, seeming more concerned than annoyed.
“I…” I hesitate.
Not Bellamy. If I ruined his celebration he’d be mad. Not anyone that’s with him either… I can’t call Dakota. I can’t call Parker after what happened the last time. I won't do that to me or him again. It hurt too bad and I fell into a spiral for a few days after that. I can’t set us back like that. I think and I think and I remember the rule list that ruined my life and I know just who to call. The only person who has ever in her life told me to call her when I’m drunk or need help besides Parker. I get sad thinking of Parker, sad and drunk don’t mix well for me… They never have.
“Leah Ashley in my phone. Here.” I hand it to him.
“She bartends down the street… Are you sure?” he asks, seeming hesitant like he’s had his own experience or two with her.
“She’s my cheer captain, just call her…” I tell him, annoyed by the question. He picks up my phone and calls.
“Hey… Hey, yeah she’s fine. I don’t know her name. She’s drunk and she needs a ride. Can you get her? We’re the corner bar off 9th,” he finishes. “Cool, thanks,” he mumbles and hangs up then hands my phone back. “Denny is watching you, don’t make a run for it, and don’t get in your damn car,” he warns and I do what he says, waiting.
I sit on the curb, waiting for Leah even though I don’t even know what car she drives. 15 minutes pass and a bright red Camry pulls up next to me with the window unrolled.
“Get in,” she barks.
I get up and feel like my big sister just caught me at a party, but I get in anyway. The second I open the car door, I notice we’re not alone and panic settles in my chest, but quickly diminishes because it doesn’t matter. Xander sits in the back of the car, looking concerned. I don’t do anything but glance at him before sitting in the front seat. Leah is wearing a tight shirt that says The Bulldog which is the bar a few blocks away. I guess she was leaving work… We sit in silence while she drives away and then she breaks it. She shakes her head, her perfect blonde hair moving with her head. Seriously it’s cut in a perfect line following her jaw and it barely sweeps her collarbones. She’s gorgeous.
“Do you want to tell me what the hell you’re doing getting drunk alone tonight at a bar you have no business being at?” she asks.
“The whole answer or the short?” I ask, trying not to sound as drunk as I am.
“Short,” she snaps.
“I’m sad,” I answer and she sighs.
“Well, we knew that,” Xander mumbles. I don’t know if the alcohol I smell is coming from me, Leah, or Xander.
“You stay silent.” Leah eyes Xander in the back seat through her rearview mirror. “Fine, the long answer because that gave me nothing.” She turns her attention back to me.
“Why is he here?” I ask Leah, motioning to Xander.
“Because he got drunk at my bar and pestered me for a ride home when I got the call about you. Unfortunate, I know, now talk,” Leah urges, but the answer feels forced and fake.
“I ruined my relationship with my brother who is now moving thousands of miles away from me in a few months. He tries to act normal, he seems decently concerned about me but I pretend everything is fine because it’s not his job to make me feel better when I’m the reason I’m even in this situation. And I put him in a shitty situation so I don’t want him to bring it up either. I hate SPU because I’m depressed. I love Parker Thompson and I’m not allowed to so I’ve been pretending I don’t love him which has made my life hell. Dakota and I aren't friends anymore because I’m a bitch and pushed him out of my life. And I should probably go back to therapy because I think it was the only thing keeping me sane but I ruined that too,” I tell her, speaking in one single breath.
“And you decided getting kicked out of a bar was a better answer than not?” she asks.
“Getting drunk at a bar is all I do besides go to the dance studio and cry,” I admit out loud and feel pathetic doing so.
“I want to hate Parker. I want him to be horrible and bad and disgusting and he’s not. I didn’t want my year to be this way. Without everyone I care about,” I tell her, trying not to cry now. I’m angry. Angry enough to cry.
“Why don’t you reach out to Dakota? Just to see how he’s doing?” Xander interrupts again.
“Why don’t you just tell me? Since you know, you see him all the time?” I ask.
“He and Nico broke up like two weeks ago so I don’t—”
“Xander. Sh!” Leah cuts him off again and my heart sinks. Nico and Dakota broke up? Is he okay? Was it amicable or is he hurt and heartbroken and… And I don’t have a right to know any of that. I cut him off in a horrible way and he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
“Getting back to the point, you’re supposed to be getting yourself ready for next season.” She bites into me and I shrug.
“Well, what if I drop out and don’t come back to SPU? Then what’s the point?” I ask and she scoffs.
“You’re not doing this to yourself. I won’t allow it. And you’re not going home to be a mess in front of your brother. If your goal is to be fine in front of him, this isn’t the way to do it.” She doesn't look at me as she speaks.
“Then where am I going?” I ask.
“My apartment,” she mutters and I don’t want to, but I have no choice right now but to agree.