2. She’s Not You
2
She’s Not You
HAZE
“Wake the fuck up, man. It’s two o’clock.”
I can barely open my eyes, my eyelids so heavy it takes everything I have not to fall right back asleep. I let out a groan as an answer, hoping that Trevor will take a damn hint for once in his life, but of course, he doesn’t, turning on every light he can find and drawing the curtains.
“Get out,” I growl, my head buried under the uncomfortable pillow of his guest room. I’m exhausted from passing out at around five last night.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ve been waiting for an explanation since last night. What the hell happened, man? Why couldn’t you go back to your place?”
I let out a deep sigh, rub my eyes, and wince at the sunrays lighting up the room.
Where’s the rain when you need it?
I don’t reply, sitting up straight and stretching. I take my sweet time, yawning, picking up my shirt from the floor and throwing it on. Trev grows impatient, his sighs louder with every second that goes by.
“Remind me why I let you crash here again?”
“Because I’m your leader and you don’t have a choice. That a good enough answer for you?”
He waits for me to look somewhat alive before he speaks again.
“Rumors are spreading, Haze. We’re not dumb. We can barely get a hold of you these days, and you’ve been MIA since the fight—the fight that we lost miserably, by the way.”
“I know. I was there,” I hiss.
“Where have you been?”
“I’ve been busy.” I reach for my phone on the nightstand. It’s dead. Not that I have any messages worth reading on there anyway.
I look up at Trev. His eyes clearly say “I smell bullshit.” I have no clue how I could explain this to my fighters.
What’s up, guys? Yeah, so, the rumors are true. I fucked up big-time. Remember the girl I wanted to make fall in love with me to piss off Kendrick? Well, I kind of, sort of ended up falling for her instead and kind of, sort of lost the fight for her because I’m a whipped little bitch.
I know they suspect that I let Kendrick beat me. I just have to be grateful that it hasn’t been brought up yet.
“Busy? Cut the crap. You’ve been looking for the East side girl. You think we don’t know you’ve been seeing her? We’re not clueless. It was fine when we thought you were just chasing some piece of ass but—”
“But what?”
“Man, it’s more than that this time, and you know it.”
“Says who?”
“Says you and everything you’ve been doing since you met the girl. Some of the guys are even wondering if you lost the fight on purpose.”
There we go.
“You were looking for her, weren’t you… when she got taken?”
“Yes, I was. And no, I didn’t lose the fight on purpose. Not that it matters anyway. She’s gone. She’s not coming back.”
Word travels fast. They might find out I was working with the East side. And if that happens, I have no idea how I’ll justify myself.
“Can’t you see? That’s not the point, Haze. We don’t care that she’s gone. We want to know what you’d be doing if she was still here.”
Stop asking me about her, damn it.
“What kind of stupid question is that? I’d be here, training for the fight on Friday. Where else would I be?”
He stops annoying me—sorry, I mean talking—for a short instant.
“Are you like… in love with her or something?”
I immediately want to punch him in the face. No warning, nothing, just a good old punch right in the nose.
Truth is, I don’t know what the fuck I feel. I know I told her otherwise, but my head is a huge mess right now.
I don’t reply, once again, my gaze traveling from the ceiling to the floor.
He sighs. “You’re not going to answer that, are you?”
I get up and head for the bathroom that’s linked to the bedroom.
“Nope.”
“Are you at least going to tell me why you couldn’t go back to your place?” He trails behind me.
“Long story short, Tanner’s the one who took her. Then, he kidnapped me for finding out and, well, let’s just say we won’t be having dinner at Thanksgiving anymore. I’m looking at a place next week.”
His mouth drops. “Seriously? You’re going to stop talking to your brother and move out of your house for some chick?”
“Did you forget the part where his guys kidnapped and almost killed me?”
He nods, but I can tell he’s biting his tongue not to talk back.
“Just thought you should know, word on the street’s that the North side’s preparing something against us. Our alliance apparently went to shit. Any idea why?”
I mentally curse. The East side and I showed up to Ian’s lair when we were looking for Winter. I almost forgot about that tiny detail. I’m assuming throwing in a smoke bomb and threatening Ian’s girl did the trick. To think we did all that for nothing. We gave my traitor of a brother exactly what he wanted by going after them.
“No, no clue. Sorry,” I lie, closing the door.
“One last thing.” He blocks the door with his foot.
I sigh in annoyance. “What?”
“The East side girl. What’s her name? Willow?”
“Winter.”
I almost smack myself for correcting him this fast.
Way to look like you don’t give a damn, Haze.
“Was she worth it?”
I pause, memories flashing in my mind against my will. I remember all the time she spent pushing me away only to pull me closer when I kissed her at the motel. I see my hands on her hips, her body against mine, my lips on her skin. I remember how much I wanted to tear that dress off her when I showed up at Kendrick’s fake-girlfriend dinner and she dragged me to her bedroom to yell at me.
I see the day she got my helmet stuck on her head, the day I took her out for coffee and she got rid of the girl flirting with me by telling her I had STDs. I see the time she threw her phone in the freaking toilet to make sure no one could locate her when, in fact, I was the one calling her.
The girl sure knows how to make me laugh.
His question echoes in my brain.
Was she worth it?
Yes, she was.
“No, of course not. I don’t know what came over me.”
He beams, satisfied with my answer, and steps out of the room. I lock myself in the bathroom. I need a shower. A cold one. But what I really need…
Is to get this girl out of my head.
The first thing I see when I enter Trev’s living room is Ryan sitting on the sofa with a few empty beer cans at his feet. I turn my head and notice Emmett, Andrew, and Trevor spread across the large leather couch pushed up against the wall. With a joint between his lips, Trevor stares at me with an apologetic look in his eyes.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out he called them.
The fact that they’re all here isn’t a good sign. We never meet this early.
“There he is.” Ryan chortles, taking a sip of his beer.
I haven’t seen him in a while. He was out of town for the past month. I had no idea he was back. I used to be on top of my game and know things like that before… well, her.
“Drinking at two in the afternoon. Glad to see you haven’t changed, Sutter.”
Ryan shrugs. “Look me in the eyes and tell me a drink doesn’t sound good right about now.”
Unfortunately, he’s right. I could use a shot, or five , to numb whatever it is that I’ve been feeling since I left her at that shitty motel with the East side.
He sees the hesitation spread in my features and smiles.
“I get it. Love does that to you.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, this again? I already told Trev: I don’t care about the girl. She’s gone anyway. Can’t you just let it go?”
“We want to believe you, man, we do. But we can’t take any chances,” Trev says.
“You don’t have to worry. I’m telling you, I don’t care.”
Silence ensues. Ryan is the first to speak again.
“So you really don’t care, huh?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Not even a little.”
“Well then, you won’t mind telling me how she was in the sack, will you? I was thinking maybe when she gets back in town I could get a go at it. I bet she’s a virgin. Looks real tight.”
I instinctively clench my fists.
Don’t give him what he wants.
Don’t kill him.
He’s testing you.
If you let yourself kick his teeth out of his shit-eating mouth, he’ll have won.
“You did sleep with her, didn’t you?”
No.
“What do you think?” I feed them the lie they crave.
“And you didn’t share? Man, I thought we were friends.”
I thought you had a brain .
“What is this? An intervention?” I ask, eager to change the subject.
Ryan shrugs. “Something like that.”
“Thanks, but no, thanks.” I spot the door and start walking.
Ryan steps in my way faster than I anticipated.
“We weren’t asking.”
I’m not surprised that Ryan’s the one on speech duty. He can say what he wants, but he lives for the power. Out of all of the boys, he’s the one who’d take my place in a heartbeat if he could.
He wasn’t so cocky when he first started fighting a year ago. You’d think the fact that I taught him everything he knows would owe me some gratitude. But that’s just Ryan being his self-centered, arrogant, and power-starving self. I used to think that hunger made him a good fighter, but now I know it just makes him an asshole.
“Is it true?” Emmett asks, a frown upon his face. Emmett’s always been Ryan’s sloppy second. They’re friends. He got Ryan into the fights, but we all know Emmett secretly admires him.
“Is what true?”
“You’re against Tanner now?”
I hesitate at first but say it anyway. They’ll find out the truth soon enough.
“Yes, I guess I am.”
Their faces grow pale, and I curse under my breath. I should’ve known they’d react this way. My brother and I have been the West side’s main fighters for the longest time. Main is what we call the fighters who win the most fights in their areas. Each side has one. The main automatically becomes “the leader.” It may sound stupid, but it’s the only way we can maintain some semblance of order. Why would one deserve to lead more than another? You have to earn it.
Tanner and I were always tight on our victories, almost even. Until a few months ago, when I beat him. Things went downhill from there.
Just like I made Ryan, Tanner made me. Being the oldest gave him a head start on being the troubled Adams kid, and he got into this street fighting mess long before I did.
He started training me when I was fourteen. He took pity on me after what happened. Fighting was the only thing that made me feel alive back then.
I guess having the student beat the teacher didn’t sit well with him. He started getting all up in my business, almost becoming controlling and needy. Maybe because he was afraid I’d end up being more of his competition than his brother. We don’t have plenty of family to go around.
It got a hundred times worse when I met Winter. It’s like he was terrified that I’d be happy and leave him alone in the misery we’ve shared ever since we were kids—courtesy of our not-so-loving parents.
He’s not the main anymore, but that doesn’t make my guys any less scared of him. The tables can turn at any time in our world, and we had the proof of that multiple times in the past.
Tanner’s been around a lot longer than I have, and they know it. So they might be following me now, but I don’t doubt for a second that they’d side with him if I lost my title, especially Emmett, who’s the type to support whoever wins when we watch football.
They’re afraid of standing up to him in case he takes the title back overnight. I get it. Whether it’s me or my brother, no one wants to get on our bad side.
“I’m not after revenge, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, their shoulders relax and the color finds its way back to their faces.
“We’re glad to hear that, man,” Trev says.
“He just wanted his brother back,” Ryan adds.
I can’t believe they’re agreeing with him. He just wanted his brother back. How ironic that all he managed to do was lose him even more.
“Have you thought of going after her?” Andrew speaks to me for the first time today.
Yes.
“No. Wasn’t planning on it. Will that be all, officers?” I shift from one foot to the other impatiently.
Andrew nods, his ginger hair covering his eyes as he stares at the ground. He’s always been the quiet one of the gang. But in contrast to Emmett and Ryan, he’s loyal. He and Trev have been with me since the beginning when we first formed our alliance. They’re more than my fighters; they’re my friends. Which is why it stings like a bitch that Trevor called up this “saving Haze” intervention behind my back.
“One last thing,” Ryan continues. “Do me a favor and go pay that Bianca chick a visit. Maybe she could…” He stops like he’s looking for the right words to say. “Get your mind straight.”
I almost puke right there and then.
I know exactly what he means by that. They want me to go sleep with Bianca as proof that I don’t care about Winter.
“Whatever.” I make my way to the front door, the urge to get away becoming impossible to ignore.
“Haze,” Ryan calls out from the living room.
I turn around. What else could he possibly want? They’re blackmailing me into hooking up with some girl in exchange for their trust. Isn’t that enough?
“Today.”
I feel like I should laugh because there’s no way he’s serious.
“You’re joking, right?”
They avoid my gaze in silence.
“What? Did I become a hooker and nobody told me?”
Ryan ignores my comment and gets his keys out of his pocket. “Here, I’ll drive you.”
“I’ll drive myself,” I say, slamming the door and rushing out of Trev’s house.
Next thing I know, I’ve reversed out of the driveway and disappeared down the street in a deafening roar. I hook my phone to the charging cable I keep in my car and drive with no direction for a few unbearably long minutes.
I wait for my phone to light up. For the screen to show that I have a message from her.
Just one.
But of course, when it does light up, it reveals messages from everybody on the damn planet but the person I want to talk to.
There are four messages from random girls that I don’t even bother opening and a few from Trev, who’s trying to apologize for the group therapy he just tried to pull. I don’t know why I hoped that she’d have contacted me.
She’s gone, Haze. She could be anywhere in the world by now. It’s time to move on.
I turn the corner rapidly and set up the GPS.
Bianca’s place it is.