21. On Hold
21
On Hold
HAZE
If someone had told me a few hours ago that I’d be dragging my feet walking into the elevator of our apartment complex, I would’ve laughed. Me? Dreading going back to the place I’ve been so desperate to live in again? Good one.
Fiddling with the phone in my pocket, I try my best to prepare for what’s about to happen. I’m not ready. Not even close. I know once I walk through that door, I’ll have to tell her.
Worse, I’ll have to show her.
I don’t want to think about what hearing that recording will do to her. I think she always knew Lauren was a heartless piece of garbage, but knowing it and hearing her mother point-blank say that she hates her daughter are two different things.
The door opens before I can get my keys out. Kendrick and Allie stand in the doorway, on their way out.
“Hey, man,” Kendrick says at the sight of me. “You look like shit.” I crack the ghost of a smile. I know that’s his way of saying “It’s good to see you around here again.”
“Feel like it, too.”
“She’s letting you sleep here tonight. That’s progress,” he points out.
“Understandable after the day she’s had. But you’re not off the hook just yet,” Allie teases.
“Trust me, I’m aware. You think you could put in a good word for me?”
She smirks. “I don’t think I have to, since she’s letting you sleep in her bed.”
My eyes grow. “Wait, what?”
They laugh at my reaction.
“She’s in her room.” Kendrick pats me on the shoulder before they disappear down the hall.
The apartment is silent. I glance over the living room. As stupid as it may sound, when I see Jay sleeping on the couch like a baby, I’m relieved. They were right. No sign of a bed on the floor, and the guest rooms are all taken. I kick my rising hopes back down. Maybe she just ran out of blankets. After all, we have Alex, Kass, Will, and Jaden living with us right now.
I walk to our bedroom and push the door open quietly. She’s lying on her side with her head propped on her bended arm. My eyes travel down her body against my will. She’s wearing shorts, a tank top and… no bra. Most likely because she’s going to bed soon. On a mission to fuck with me, my hormones decide now’s a good time to picture her naked.
“Hey.” Her voice startles me.
I must be beyond obvious because she sits up and cradles her knees to her body, covering her hard nipples in the process. She looks like she feels awful. I could make her feel better.
“Hey.” I rip my eyes back to her face. “I’ve got the clothes.”
She nods faintly. “Thanks.”
“Did you want me to stay tonight or… ?”
I already know the answer, but I need to hear her say it.
Panicky, she blurts, “I mean, unless you don’t want to. If you don’t want to, you can go. It’s fine, I—”
“Winter.” I shut down her spiraling. “I want to.”
“Oh.” She flushes. “Good.”
I sit on the edge of the bed.
“Where do you want me to sleep?”
Okay, this one is for my ego.
“I’d make you a bed on the floor, but we’re all out of blankets so… with me? Is that okay?”
I almost laugh. Is that okay? Is that okay?
“It’s fine.”
“Thanks. I know it means a lot to Jay.”
I frown. “Jay wanted me to stay?”
“Yeah. He doesn’t know that we broke up yet and… He seemed so happy to see you at the hospital. I just… I couldn’t tell him. And he could use the familiar face. He trusts you, you know?”
He trusts me.
But she doesn’t.
“I’m sorry. I’ll tell him that we broke up soon.”
Her words sting the hell out of me. I’d rather think that she’s the one who wanted me to stay, but I don’t care. I’m here. That’s all that matters.
“How are you feeling?” I remove my shirt, the way I always do before I go to bed, and toss it. I catch her gawking at me from the corner of my eye and smirk. Still got it. I decide to keep my pants on for now. Don’t want her to be uncomfortable.
“Dead inside, but what’s new?” She slides under the covers and buries her face in the pillow with a groan.
I laugh quietly and get in bed next to her. “He’s going to be okay.”
“You don’t know that,” she counters.
I stretch my arm out and turn off the lamp. Darkness fills the room. Her back is facing me, but the moonlight outlines her perfect silhouette, the curve of her ass.
Hormones, shut the fuck up.
“It’s called hope,” I whisper, and she rolls over to look at me. “Hey, listen, I thought maybe we could finish what we started at Vic’s. I never got to tell you… you know, everything.”
Her response is immediate. “I can’t do this.”
“But—”
“You don’t get it. I physically can’t. Not tonight, okay?” Her voice is faint, weak.
I nod. Guess I can forget about playing her the recording while I’m at it. Her eyes connect with mine, and something shifts in her gaze.
“Can you just hold me?” she croaks.
When tears start pouring down her face, I don’t think, I just act. I ease my arms around her shoulders and let her cry. When she trembles against my chest, I want to believe that she needs me as much as I need her. She’s been through hell today. There’s a chance she’ll never speak to her father again, and it’s just starting to sink in.
“This doesn’t change anything, okay?” She sniffles.
My heart twists.
I play with her hair. “Okay.”
WINTER
When I snuck my way out of Haze’s embrace at seven thirty this morning, it physically hurt to let go of him. We got a call from the police when we came home last night. I washed my face, put on some clothes, and waited for the police officer we were told would show up at eight this morning. A few days back, I thought I wouldn’t survive losing Haze.
But if my father dies…
He might as well take me with him.
“We still don’t know who did it,” the police officer told us. My brother and I sat down in the living room and answered every single question they dropped on us for over two hours. So many questions to ask for so little answers to give.
They kept asking if someone might have a reason to want my father dead, a grudge of some sort. Wondered if we had noticed anything suspicious in the weeks prior to the accident, but thanks to my father being the nicest person on earth, each of our responses were useless. To make it better, they came up empty-handed when searching the scene of the accident.
I’m not sure why I asked Haze to stay last night. I pretended it was because of Jay, and in a way, it was, but in the end, I needed him more than Jay ever could. There’s still so much we need to discuss, but I’m not in the headspace for forgiveness.
All I can think about right now is my dad. He still hasn’t woken up, and every second he spends in a coma is a second I wish I could take his place.
“Morning.” Haze’s voice drifts through the quiet kitchen.
I bring the mug in my hands to my lips for a sip of smoking coffee. Alex, Will, and Kass are still sleeping, and Jay just got in the shower—we thought he needed a day off from school—which means I have no idea how long I’m going to be alone with my ex.
“Slept well?” I ask.
He stretches, lean muscles shifting under his white T-shirt. “A lot better than I did these past few days.”
I know what he means is a lot better than I did when I wasn’t with you .
Same, Haze, same.
“Did the police come?”
“Yeah.”
“How’d it go?” He makes his way over to me, gets a mug out of the cabinet, and leans forward to pour himself a cup of coffee. Goose bumps erupt all over my skin when his arm so much as brushes mine. I distance myself from him. God, I can’t function when he’s near me.
“It’s not looking good. They still haven’t found who did it, and they said a hit-and-run that isn’t solved within the first few days has very low chances of resolution. They couldn’t track the car from traffic cameras, and there were no admissions at the hospital, no one who fits the profile of the other driver. They said it’s almost like someone planned it.”
Something gleams in his blue eyes. He looks anxious.
“What is it?” I worry.
“Nothing.”
“It doesn’t look like nothing.”
“I just can’t believe someone would do that, that’s all.” He takes a sip of coffee.
I sigh. “Tell me about it.”
A beat of silence.
“Winter, do you…” He stops himself, hesitant as to whether or not he should resume. “Do you want me to stay today?”
Yes.
So, so bad.
“No.”
Disappointment fills his gaze.
“Yes.”
He frowns.
“God, I don’t know.” I rest my coffee on the counter and prop my face between my hands. He laughs. I hear him put down his coffee, too. Next thing I know, he’s removed my hands from my eyes. His tall frame towers over me, so close my knees threaten to fail me.
“Haze, we’re still broken up.” The words come out in a whisper.
“I know. But we slept in the same bed last night, didn’t we?”
“I told you, it doesn’t change anything.”
“Okay? Then, what is this? A pause?” He arches an eyebrow. “You’re putting our breakup on hold whenever you feel like it?”
I snap. “You know what? You’re damn right I am. I’m putting this on pause because I can’t lose you and my dad at the same time. I just can’t, okay?” I try and walk past him.
He reaches for my wrist, tugging me back to him. Our eyes collide.
“You never lost me.”
Argh. Too many emotions.
“You know what I mean.” I attempt to walk around him once more, but he steps in my way.
“So, let me get this straight, you’re not ready to talk about us, but you still want me to stick around?”
Why is he pushing this?
“Yes. I can’t be with you, and I can’t be without you. I can’t deal with you being here, and I can’t deal with you being gone. You happy?”
His eyes light up as if everything’s just become clear.
“We’re allowed to put this on pause, then?”
“Absolutely,” I declare.
“Great.”
My heart loses its shit when he backs me up against the counter with one step and crashes his lips to mine.
His fingers slip through my hair, and I kiss him back so quickly I feel him smile in victory. He knows what he does to me. Cheeky bastard. He sweeps me into his arms effortlessly and plants me on the kitchen island. He positions himself between my legs, and I’m all over him within seconds. I hate how fast he’s got my body begging for his touch.
“I love you,” he rasps between kisses. “I don’t care how long it takes. I’m not giving up on us.”
I’m at a loss for words.
“You don’t have to say it back. I just needed you to know.”
With my heart beating a thousand miles per hour, I offer him a thankful smile. Truth is, I wouldn’t have said it back. I couldn’t have, and I don’t know that I will anytime soon. He kisses me slow and hard again. My head is spinning in circles when he…
“Sorry to interrupt.”
We jump.
Will.
He’s smirking, leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed. I hustle down the kitchen island as fast as I possibly can and smooth down my wrinkled clothes.
“Will, hey.” I awkwardly fix my hair. “Did we wake you?”
“Let me see.” He brings a finger to his chin. “Did the sound of you groping each other like horny teenagers wake me up? Nah. All good.”
Haze and I exchange glances. I fail to repress a smile.
“For fuck’s sake, can’t you two just get back together already and put us all out of our misery?” Will teases and walks to the fridge to get milk.
How I wish it were that easy.
“Are you guys going to see Harry today?” Will asks, pouring himself a bowl of cereal.
“Yeah. They said we should be able to see him. Oh, and you’ll never believe the call I got this morning. My dad’s parents finally got a hold of Lauren.”
“They did?” Haze’s eyebrows jerk up.
I summarize the ridiculous conversation I had a few minutes after waking up. Claire, my dad’s mom, fed me some sob story about Lauren being so devastated over her husband’s accident that she couldn’t bring herself out of the house. Lauren told her she spent the evening trapped in crushing anxiety attacks and uncontrollable tears. She claimed her decision to stay away was for her kids’ sake. We all know that’s bullshit, but bullshit or not, she’s Maika and Jay’s legal guardian, and my hands are tied.
“Did you eat yet?” Haze asks me out of nowhere.
“Not yet. Why?”
“We’re going out for breakfast.”
“But… we have to go visit my dad.”
“It won’t take long. I promise. An hour tops. And visiting hours haven’t even started yet.”
I sway from side to side. “I don’t know. What about Jay?”
“I think he can manage an hour alone. Come on, it’s on me. There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“Canada, just go out with the poor guy and release us from the sexual tension,” Will whines.
“Fine,” I relent.
Haze rejoices, treading back to the bedroom to get his phone. I don’t know why my agreeing to go to breakfast seems so important to him. What does he want to tell me, and why does he need me out of the apartment to do so? Normally, I’d be worried, but I doubt anything he throws my way could faze me, even a little bit, at this point. Not after the past twenty-four hours. Anxious, Haze leads the way out of the apartment and into the elevator.
I always found irony in the word ex. So many terms flood my mind at the mere sound of it. Ex as in excruciating,exhausting,extremely annoying, exterminate the bastard. I never thought I’d refer to Haze as my ex. I still can’t get used to the idea, and deep down, I have a hunch the term isn’t meant to stick around our relationship.
The ride to the breakfast restaurant was silent. Haze looked tormented. What truly worried me was the fact that he didn’t talk about the rather hot make-out session we shared in the kitchen this morning. I would’ve anticipated his life mission to become teasing me back into his arms. That’s what I love about him. He always made me feel so alive, so free. The electricity between us could never find an equal.
We had breakfast as he wanted. When I asked why it was so important to him, he said that we needed to talk, so we did: we talked about the weather, how Waze is slowly learning to shake hands, anything and everything but what he wanted to talk to me about.
Question marks cross my gaze when Haze parks the car in our apartment spot but doesn’t move a muscle. He fiddles with his phone lying flat on his lap.
“Are you ready?” I let out.
“For what?”
“To spit out the thing that’s been eating at you all morning.”
He lowers his eyes to his hands and drops a sigh. “There’s something I didn’t tell you yesterday. It just seemed like too much at the time, but I know the worst thing I could ever do is keep the truth from you again.”
I appreciate his honesty. Yes, Haze made mistakes—monumental, near impossible to forgive mistakes—but he sees the error of his ways.
“When you asked me to go to your house yesterday… Lauren was there.” He unlocks his phone with a swipe and pulls up his recordings. “She was wasted. She’d been drinking all night. That’s where she was, Winter. She wasn’t crying in bed. She was getting hammered.”
I’m not surprised, although I wish I was.
“She started rambling to me. I didn’t know what to do, so I took a leaf out of Caleb’s book and recorded her.”
Part of me knows where he’s going with this. No matter how much I wish I could excuse her absence, I know there are only so many terrible parenting passes I can give the woman.
“What did she say?”
“A bunch of BS . That’s all that matters. Things that Harry should really know if he…” His voice leaves him.
“If he survives,” I finish.
He doesn’t reply, acquiescing.
“I want to hear it.”
There are lots of words I’ve regretted saying in my life. Words such as “I want another slice of pizza” or “Sure, I can handle another shot,” but these words, right here, right now, might just turn out to be the ones that haunt me for the rest of my life.
“You really don’t need to listen to her nonsense, Winter.”
“I want to,” I insist. “How will I know what to say to my dad when he wakes if I don’t?”
I’m aware my use of the word when instead of if is dangerous. Chances are, he’s never going to wake up, but I’m not ready to accept, nor consider, that possibility. So, I won’t. I’ll hold on to every shred, ever splinter of hope that my dad’s going to wake up. That he’ll be around to walk me down the aisle, call me pumpkin, play with my kids and tell them stories.
I stretch my arm forward to press Play, but he yanks his phone out of my reach. “I said no. Drop it. I’ll just tell you what’s on there. Same fucking thing.”
“Haze, please .”
The conflicted expression on his face sneak peeks how bad the recording is. I knew it was bad, but this… this isn’t bad. That’s horrible. He winces when I pluck the phone from his hands and press Play in the same way you’d rip off a Band-Aid—quickly and with my eyes shut in anticipating of the burn.
“Winter, please don’t do this.”
His begging is muffled by a hoarse voice.
“I was sixteen. Just turned sixteen the month before. You should’ve seen him. He was so charming. Some would say irresistible. Mysterious, reckless, gorgeous. The kind of guy who could get anyone he wanted without blinking. Girls would have killed for his attention, but he only wanted me. Or so he said. I really thought he loved me, and God, did I love him.”
This is the first time in my entire life I’ve ever heard my mother talk about my biological father. She always refused to answer my questions. She wouldn’t even tell me his name. I hate that I’m hanging on to every hateful word.
“They all told me to stay away, but I didn’t. Because I thought I had found the love of my life. I was as stupid as Winter is right now. She really is my daughter after all.”
The more she speaks, the harder it is to breathe. She exposes bits and pieces of her rotten soul with each sentence, until finally, it’s all out for the world to see.
“Every time I look at her, I wish I had gotten an abortion.”
That’s the first bullet.
“That’s your daughter you’re talking about.” I recognize Haze’s deep voice.
“You think I don’t know that? That’s precisely the problem. Some great fucking idea it was to keep the baby.”
That’s the second bullet. Then comes the third, fourth, fifth. It never ends. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip to keep from crying. I’m so sick of crying
“I don’t love her. There. I’ve said it. I don’t love her, and I never will. Because every time I look at her, I see him.”
Her speech creates a never-ending roar in my head, a piercing, deafening scream of rage I can’t quiet. I’m angry. So angry that, after everything she did to me, it still hurts like hell to hear her say out loud what I’ve always known. But I guess, now, at least I knowwhy.
Haze speaks again . “Congrats. You’re a piece of shit. If you can’t see that your daughter is the most beautiful, amazing, and caring person on this goddamn planet, you’re absolutely insane. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
My eyes find his. This is so sweet my heart can’t take it.
When he sees the tears welling in my eyes, he tries to steal his phone back. “That’s enough.”
I hold the phone tightly against my chest to stop him. I need to hear the rest. Plus, there’s no way it gets worse than this, right?
Wrong.
When she tries to force herself on Haze, my breakfast threatens to make an appearance. I’m glad he rejects her, but I don’t even have time to properly enjoy how amazing Haze is, because she says that she’s been cheating on my dad the next second.
Only then does Haze successfully snatch the phone away from me and end the recording. I don’t fight him further. Truth be told, I don’t know how much more I could’ve handled.
It just kept getting worse.
Next, she would’ve come out as a serial killer, I’m sure.
He shoves the phone back into his pocket as I stare vacantly ahead of me with dried tears marking my skin.
“I’m so sorry. Please say something.” He unbuckles his seat belt. No word seems appropriate or strong enough for this moment.
“Thank you for showing it to me,” I whisper and get out of the car. Haze mimics my actions. I walk to the driver’s side to meet him. It’s cold as shit outside.
“What do you want to do from here?” He lifts his arm and rubs a tear off my cheek with his thumb. When his piercing blue eyes capture mine, my priorities change. They cluster around what matters: him. Everything falls into place. There is one thing I can conclude from the recording. My mother is an asshole, plain and simple.
But you know who’s not an asshole?
Haze.
He’s the least asshole person around. He made mistakes. He fucked up time and time again. But at the end of the day, his heart’s in the right place. His question ricochets through my brain.
What do you want to do from here?
The answer is clear.
“I want to kiss you.”
So, I do.
I grab the collar of his coat, push to my tiptoes, and press my lips to his before he can get a word in. In disbelief, he kisses me back, hauling me closer to him until the cold tips of our noses touch. I can practically hear my heart reconstructing itself as we sway from side to side, back and forth. To say it requires self-control to stop kissing him would be an understatement, but when I do finally free his lips, he shakes his head in disapproval and pulls me back in for more.
After a couple of minutes, we’re forced to let go. I press my forehead to his. Both our faces are freezing to the point of pain—Canada is fun—but I couldn’t care less.
“If I’d known all I had to do was ask you what you wanted,” he breathes out, and I laugh.
An alarm goes off on my phone.
It’s time to go visit my dad.
“Crap.” I stand back. “I have to go. Visiting hours with Jay.”
“Do you need a ride?” he offers.
“No, Kendrick’s driving us.” I jolt around, but he circles my wrist.
“Wait.”
I look at him.
“I thought maybe I would go pick up my clothes at Vic’s and come back to the apartment… if that’s okay with you.”
I know he’s asking me way more than if he can move back in. He’s asking me if we’re back together.
I offer him a timid smile. “I’d like that.”
His smile grows ten sizes.
“I’ll see you soon, Kingston.” He gets back into his car and speeds out of the parking lot while I rush inside the building to meet Jay. We’re not officially back together just yet, but I’ve made up my mind.
I’m done convincing myself that this guy hasn’t been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, too.
HAZE
When I unlock the door to Vic’s apartment and push it open, I can honestly say I’ve never been happier to see the dump on the other side. Because I’m seeing it for the last time. I’m going home .
Passed out on the couch is one of Vic’s new friends, Greg. He’s one of the douchebag frat guys Vic’s been hanging out with lately. I walk into the guest room, only to see Vic snoring in my bed. I try not to wake him while I pack my shit, but he’s a light sleeper.
“Haze.” He wipes his eyes and blinks repeatedly.
“Sorry. I’m just getting my things.” I can’t hide my gigantic smile.
“Wait, I know that smile. She took you back, didn’t she?”
Damn right she did.
“She didn’t say that exactly, but she’s letting me move back.” I shove my clothes into the black bag I brought with me. “Want to tell me why you’re sleeping in here?”
He groans. “Kelly puked all over my bed.”
I can’t hold back a laugh.
“Fuck you.” He throws a pillow at me, and I catch it, tossing it back to him.
“I told you friends with benefits are bad news.”
He gives me the finger, half-smiling.
“I’ll see you later, man,” I say and exit the apartment complex. For the first time in a while, I don’t feel like I have the weight of a building on my shoulders. Wow, this has been a decent day, so far. Is this a glitch?
I sprint back to my car, and my stomach drops to my asshole at the sight of a piece of paper on my windshield.
A ticket?
So much for this being a decent day, huh?
I come to a short stop next to my car and literally freeze—surprisingly not because of the cold weather—when I realize that this is everything but a parking ticket.
A note.
You told. Good old dad paid the price.
I turn it over.
She’s next.