30. If It Can’t Be Me
30
If It Can’t Be Me
HAZE
The video takes an insanely long time to load. Nervously glancing back and forth between Winter and the screen, I battle a mini anxiety attack. Come on. I don’t know how much time I have until she comes back. I let out a sigh of relief when the video starts.
I recognize the outside of the trash motel.
It’s nighttime.
Someone walks out of the motel. The silhouette fumbles with the front lock. They must be closing up. I can tell this was recorded with the camera hanging above the door. I remember seeing it before. The stranger turns around, and nearby streetlights reveal a crooked face.
Wait, I know her.
This is the woman who tried to exchange sex for information about Marcus. Her phone rings. She slides her hands into her purse and pulls it out.
“I’m on my way,” she says right away.
…
“What are you saying?” She sticks a finger into her ear to hear better. “Babe, stop it. What did I tell you? You’re completely paranoid. We’re good. We’ve been good for a long time now.”
…
“What are you so worried about?”
…
“What, you mean him? Don’t be ridiculous. He’s nothing. I’m telling you, we’re good.”
…
“I’m leaving now. I have the merchandise. I’ll be there in twenty. I love you.”
…
“Hey, listen to me. Listen!” She raises her voice. “Stick to the plan. I’ll meet you at home.”
…
“Then where the hell are you? Did you go out to see her again?” she scolds.
…
“Damn it, Marc! We don’t have time for this. Go home. We’ll talk about it later.”
She hangs up. Fuming with anger, she walks off. The sound of tires screeching down the road reaches me, but all I can hear as it rumbles away is the name she spat angrily.
Marc.
Marcus.
No fucking way. Could it be?
Did I finally get the bastard?
“What are you watching?”
I almost jump to the ceiling at the sight of Winter standing in the doorway. I drop my phone onto the side table so quickly she chuckles.
“Let me guess.” She sits next to me. “Porn.”
I wish. I really wish it was porn instead of this fucking nightmare.
“Why would I need porn when I have the real thing right here?” I grin, and she rolls her eyes at my predictable line. Before she can question me further, I rise to my feet, lock the door, and slam my lips to hers. Barely minutes later, I’m on top of her, her fingers in my hair, my face in her neck while I squeeze in and out of her. That’s it. The faster she disconnects me from reality, the faster I’ll forget that we’re doomed.
Because we are.
We’re fucked if I keep this up. I know I have to tell her about the video. I know she deserves the truth after the promise I just made. And I will give it to her. I will show her the video. But I need to know if it’s a dead end, first. Then I’ll tell her.
Tomorrow, I’ll tell her everything.
A feeling of warmth fills me up when I open my eyes to find Winter’s head resting on my chest. Her naked body tangled up with mine isn’t too bad either. Carefully tracing circles on my bare skin, she seems trapped in deep thoughts.
“Morning, beautiful,” I say, and she looks up.
“Took you long enough,” she whispers with a smile.
“What can I say? You exhausted me, woman.” I plant a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“We have to be up soon. Kendrick and Allie are helping me make the house more recovery-friendly for my dad today.”
This is my chance. It’s now or never. I have to go investigate the video. I have to find out if this is the Marc I’m looking for.
“Actually, I was thinking I’d hang out with Vic today. You know, since he’s been having a bit of a tough time lately.” I regret speaking as soon as the lie falls out.
It’s a necessary lie. The final lie.
No more after this.
She nods. “Okay. When are you leaving?”
“After breakfast.”
“Will you be back for dinner? I’m making my dad’s favorite to welcome him home.”
“Sure.”
I bite back a grin. I love this woman, but she can’t cook . This dinner will mostly consist of people spitting into their napkins when she’s not looking.
Winter wasn’t finished , still writhing with my face between her legs when we heard the car door close in the driveway yesterday. We had to get up, get dressed right in the middle of it, and I swear I’ve never seen my baby this moody. I had to take care of that when everyone went to bed. She went back to her regular self once I was done with her.
She kisses my cheek. “You hungry? I think I smell bacon.”
We hear laughter downstairs. I conclude that Kendrick and Allie are already here.
“Let’s go. I’m starving.” She slips out of bed.
“Right behind you.”
WINTER
“For the billionth time, they’re not mine,” Jay shouts as Kendrick chases him around the house with a box of condoms.
“Then what were they doing in your backpack, Jay Jay?”
We’re all laughing so hard we can barely breathe. We spent the day fixing up the house to make life easier for my dad. He truly appreciated the gesture, but it sucks to know whatever we do to help won’t do as much good as having a professional to take care of him would. Kendrick found condoms in Jay’s bag while moving stuff around.
Jay’s fourteen. He obviously knows about sex at this point, but he’d rather die than admit it to my dad.
“Fine, they’re mine. But it’s not what you think,” he pleads.
Kendrick scoffs. “Not what we think? Then what were you doing with them, Jaden? Water balloons?”
“Leave the poor kid alone.” I laugh harder.
“Is that for that girl I saw you with when I picked you up from school the other day? Charlotte, is it?” My dad joins.
My brother flushes.
“Jay Jay’s in love!” Kendrick gasps dramatically.
“Okay, I’m out,” Jay growls and launches up the stairs.
We’re still laughing five minutes later.
My dad asks us to help him get to his room shortly after. He needs the rest. This has been a long day. I decided not to cook because, apparently, no one wanted to eat my food, not that I’m surprised.
“Shouldn’t Haze be here by now?” Allie reminds me when we spread across the couch.
“Uh, yeah, actually, he should.” I check the time on my phone. “I’ll call him.”
It rings one time, two times, three times. He doesn’t pick up. I’ve been texting him throughout the day, but he didn’t answer, probably busy with his best friend.
“I’ll call Vic. Haze’s phone is probably dead.”
It rings a few times.
“Hello?”
“Hey Vic. It’s Winter. Can I talk to Haze?”
He snorts. “I mean… Don’t you have his number?”
I hear in his tone that he’s no stranger to alcohol this evening. I’m surprised Haze would allow him to drink when he went there specifically because he’s having a hard time.
“I tried, but he’s not picking up. He said he’d be back home by now.”
“Home from where?” He sounds confused.
“From your place, duh.”
A long silence follows.
“What are you talking about? Haze wasn’t at my place today.”
My lungs collapse.
“What? But… he said that you were hanging out.”
“When I texted him, he said he was spending the day with you.”
It slaps me across the face.
He lied.
Again.
Allie, who’s sitting right next to me, offers me an apologetic look. No explanations are needed. She knows merely from the look on my face that something happened, and it’s not a good something.
The front door opens.
A hurricane of emotions sucks me in.
He’s here.
If he’d just picked up the phone, I would’ve never called Vic. If he’d just come home a few minutes sooner, I would’ve never found out about this. Is this what our relationship is going to be like? Am I going to develop trust issues, become completely paranoid every time he goes out?
I refuse to let go of the million excuses colliding in my head. Maybe he has a great, solid reason. Maybe his car broke down so he couldn’t go. What bothers me the most isn’t even that I don’t know where he went today. Or what he did. All I care about is that he lied.
“Babe?” He shuts the door.
Kendrick comes back from the bathroom at the same time, and Allie gives him the look. The let’s save ourselves while we still can look. She grabs his hand and drags him up the stairs to give us privacy.
“Winter?” he calls again.
I’m going to crucify him, I swear.
With a heavy heart, I head for the kitchen. He’s standing near the doorway, with this unbearably beautiful smile on his face. Seeing him turns my rage into excruciating pain. He tucks his smile away when he notices the absence of mine.
“Why?” I whisper.
I don’t need to explain myself. His face instantly changes. He knows. He knows what he did.
“I swear I was going to tell you.”
“Answer the question.” His false promises aren’t enough to pierce through my icy exterior.
At a loss for words, he steps forward.
“Because I… I knew you wouldn’t let me go.”
“Go where?”
Tell me that you were preparing a surprise. Tell me this isn’t what I think. Tell me you didn’t go looking for the one person you promised not to chase anymore.
Tell me before I break for the last time.
“Winter, I’m so sor—”
“Haze, you can either tell me where you were today or leave,” I snap. His face darkens, and he averts his gaze to his feet, a clear sign of his guilt.
“I received a video yesterday,” he begins. “It was a video with a lead on…” He pauses, as if he knows that Marcus’s name will change everything.
Say it. I need to hear it. Please, Haze. I need you to completely shatter what’s left of me.
Maybe I’ll finally understand.
“A lead on Marcus.”
There it is.
“I went to check on it today.”
“And you told me you were going to see Vic,” I state.
“Winter, listen, I will tell you everything, just hear me ou—”
“ Go .”
Color vanishes from his face.
“What?”
“You heard me. Go. Get out of my house.” The pain beats my heart to a pulp.
“Winter, please. You’re never going to believe what I found today. I think I might have him. Just—”
“But you lied about it. That’s all that matters, Haze. You lied. Like you always do,” I say a lot louder than anticipated. “So please… Please go.”
Only then does he seem to realize how serious I am. He opens his mouth, like he’s looking for the right words to say, but none come to his rescue. He’s stunned as he turns away and opens the door. Don’t go , my heart screams. But my brain is louder. The way it should’ve always been.
Just as he’s about to walk out, he stops and glances at me.
“What does this mean?” His voice breaks.
He can’t ask me that. He can’t ask me if this is over. Because I’m afraid I will say the right thing for once.
Even if the right thing completely destroys me.
Even if the right thing feels wrong.
“What does this mean for us?” His eyes are bloodshot.
God, do I love him.
I love the man who doesn’t know how to love me back.
“I don’t know.”
He nods faintly.
Then he’s gone.
HAZE
“Haze? What the hell are you doing here?” Vic asks when I burst into his apartment uninvited. I spent hours just roaming around town, talking myself out of driving straight to her house and begging her to take me back. It’s past midnight.
“You told her, didn’t you?” Rage boils inside me.
He tries to get up but quickly tumbles backward onto the couch. Great, he’s drunk. I can’t even be mad at his dumb ass. He won’t remember a thing tomorrow.
“I’m sorry. She called and asked where you were and I…” He pauses, his eyes widening. “I…” He brings a hand to his mouth.
Tell me he isn’t going to…
Yep, he just puked .
I’m grateful for the trash can next to him. I can’t be cleaning up vomit after I just got dumped. Or did I? Shit, I don’t know.
“And he’s wasted.” I crinkle my nose at the smell and plop onto his couch. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
“You should’ve told me she wasn’t supposed to know.”
“You mean I should’ve told you I was lying to my girlfriend again?”
It sounds so fucking bad put like that.
Wow, she was right to kick me out…
She should’ve done it ages ago.
“Are you in trouble?” Vic asks.
I scoff. “Trouble? She kicked me out. I think we’re over.”
“Now where have I heard that before?” he mocks. “You two break up twice every five seconds, and guess what? She always takes your sorry ass back.”
“This one was different. I’m telling you, she’s really done with my shit.”
So is the whole world.
“That’s also what you said last time and you still ended up hooking up the night of the party, am I wrong?”
The memories invade my brain. I see Winter in a towel. The drops running down her breasts. How much she didn’t want to want me when I pushed a finger inside her. I forgot half of my night, but this… I could never forget.
He snorts. “You never really lose Winter, man. That’s what makes Winter… Winter .”
His mocking tone triggers me. He speaks of her like I could do anything and she’d still take me back, like her love for me makes her downright stupid.
“Don’t talk about her like that,” I warn.
“Woah, chill.” He puts his hands up. “I’m not mocking her. Not at all. I envy you for having a girl like that. Love so strong you’d accept even the worst things. It’s almost like she loves you so much she’d choose you over herself.”
I’m about to tell him he’s wrong when my phone vibrates.
What now?
My whole body relaxes when I see the name on my screen.
Winter.
She texted me.
It feels like I can breathe again.
Winter: I’m sorry.Can we talk about it?
My first instinct is to jump to the ceiling. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I’m so fucking happy. But then I read the text again. My eyes stick to its beginning. Wait…
She’s apologizing to me ?
Fuck…
Vic’s right. Her love for me is making her stupid.
By accepting me, she’s accepting that this is what she deserves. This girl may be good for me.
But I’m the worst thing for her.
Because the Winter I fell in love with, the girl who spat the truth in my face on her first day, would have never taken this kind of shit. She would’ve dropped me on lie number one.
I never wanted to change her.
I wanted her to change me.
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this but… you’re right.”
“I am?” He’s surprised.
I get off the couch and head over to the kitchen.
“I know it’s hard for you to do right now, but use your brain, Vic. Think real hard. Where do you keep pens and paper?”
It takes him ten minutes to tell me to look into the box of stuff Bea never came to pick up—which makes it clear he really needs to throw her shit out. I sit down at the kitchen table and let my fingers create the hardest sentences I’ve ever had to write. An hour later, I walk back into the living room to see Vic opening another beer.
“Go to bed. I’m going to need you to clean up and get your shit together in the morning.”
He doesn’t bother asking questions because he’s way beyond the point of giving a fuck. But if he’d asked, I know what I would’ve told him.
I’m setting her free.
I’m forcing her to choose herself.
Because I refuse to be the reason Winter Kingston doesn’t think she’s the best goddamn person in this world.
I refuse to be the reason she looks at herself…
The way I look at me.
WINTER
Insomnia has never really bothered me before. But that’s probably because lying awake at three in the morning has never felt like this. Like slowly dying with every breath. I enjoy being left alone with my thoughts most of the time. But tonight is not one of those times. As soon as I heard his car booking it down the street, I lost it. Dropped on a chair and started crying. It’s all I’ve been able to do since.
His scent clings to my pillows, my sheets. The memory of his presence floats around the room, a reminder of everything I want yet can’t have. A lapse of judgment has me picking up my phone and sending him a message.
Winter: I’m sorry. Can we talk about it?
I can’t believe I’m the one saying sorry after all this. Just as I was the one chasing after him without a coat in the snow a few days ago. For crying out loud, Haze, what did you turn me into?
No answer.
He usually answers right away. Still no answer after fifteen minutes. No answer after forty-five. No answer after an hour. I doubt he’s sleeping. How could he after this? I drift off to sleep for a few hours, but as soon as 5:59 strikes, I’m right back to tossing and turning. I’m losing my mind. I spent all three hours dreaming that I got a text from him. That he replied. I kept waking up every hour to check and had to watch my hopes go up in flames on repeat.
He still hasn’t replied.
Maybe this really is over.
I rub my eyes and reach for my phone that’s on 4 percent battery. I forgot to charge it. Two missed calls await me. Except that they’re not from the person I wanted.
They’re from Vic.
I frown.
He sent me a text three minutes ago.
Vic: I’m outside.
What? It’s 7:30 a.m. What would Vic be doing here so early? No, what would Vic be doing here at all ? In a hurry, I toss one of Haze’s sweaters on to cover up my lack of a bra. That’s just one of the many pieces of clothing he left behind. After all, we were supposed to move in together into my childhood home. We were supposed to be happy. But that’s the key word here, isn’t it? Supposed.
I scamper down the stairs and stop at the front door. What I see on my porch is probably worse than any scenario I could’ve ever come up with during this unbearably long night.
In Vic’s eyes is pity .
In his hands… a letter.
“Winter, hey. Did I wake you?” He forces a smile. He looks exhausted. My guess is Haze kept him up last night.
“Hey, Vic.” I frown. “No, it’s all good. Haze isn’t here if that’s why you—”
“I know.” He can’t hide his slight cringe. “He sent me. I came to pick up his stuff.”
Heart failure.
“Oh.” My throat tightens.
He couldn’t come and get his stuff himself? He had to send his friend to do his dirty work? I manage to bring down the few unpacked boxes he left upstairs without crying.
“Thanks.” He shoves them into the trunk of his car. When he comes back to the door, I pray that he won’t notice I’m wearing Haze’s sweatshirt. I don’t care. I’m not giving it back. If he’s going to strip every trace of Haze Adams away from me forever, I’m keeping the damn sweatshirt.
“Oh, I almost forgot.” He hands me the letter. “He wanted me to give you this.”
I spent the past ten minutes trying to convince myself that he was just dropping mail on the way back to his place. That the letter isn’t for me. But I can’t lie anymore. He hands me the envelope, and I don’t even need to open it to know what’s inside.
I just know.
It’s the end.
He wouldn’t have sent his best friend if it wasn’t.
“He said this will explain everything.”
I stare at the envelope in my hand blankly.
“Winter, I’m… I’m really sorry,” he says sincerely.
I watch him get back into his truck and speed away. I sit around the kitchen table and read the sentence on the back of the envelope.
Haze’s handwriting.
If it can’t be me
I rip the envelope open with trembling fingers. I have never, in my entire life, been so scared of ink on a page.
Winter,
You were right.
What you said to me yesterday was right. And receiving your text last night finally made me see clearly.
You apologized. After all that I've done, after all the shit that I’ve put you through, YOU apologized to ME.
I was going to come crawling back to you. I was going to come begging for your forgiveness. But you made me realize that I can't.
I can't ask for your forgiveness because I know you'll give it to me.
And I don't deserve it.
I don’t deserve one fucking drop of your love. I don’t deserve you. I never did.
And I never will.
If you're reading this right now, it means that I've finally stopped being selfish. For once in my life, I’m going to do the right thing.
I'm done. I'm done making you suffer because of how fucking broken I am. I refuse to keep putting you in harm’s way because of a sick obsession I can't shake.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you, Winter. So, I have no choice.
I have to say it.
I can't stop looking for him.
I'll never be happy. I'll never be at peace until I find him. I can't give up on finding the man who murdered my sister. The man who destroyed my family and my life.
Not even for you.
And you have no idea how much I hate myself for it.
Part of me would like to believe that when this is all over and I've found the bastard, I'll find my way back to you. But I know better than to think you could ever forgive me this time. Or that you'll wait for me to come back after I’ve dealt with my shit. And you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn't have to wait for anyone. This isn't the life I want for you.
I'm an asshole. I think part of you always knew that. From the very first day when you called me a jackass in the hall, you knew I was fucked up beyond repair. Yet, you chose to see the good in me.
And let me tell you, I've made a lot of mistakes in my days, but accidentally falling in love with you is by far the best one. You deserve the world and I want you to have it.
Even if I can't be the one giving it to you.
But if it won't be me kissing you every night and growing old with you, I do have to tell you this.
I hope you find everything you're looking for and fall madly in love with a guy who actually deserves it.
I hope he makes you wonder how you could ever live without him and pushes you to conquer your fears.
I hope he makes you want to be the best version of yourself.
Because that's what you did for me.
Even if, in the end, wanting to be better wasn’t enough.
I'm so happy you followed your cousin that night. I'm so happy you got my bike helmet stuck on your head and dropped your phone into the fucking toilet to avoid talking to me.
Because it led me to you.
To us.
I love you, Kingston.
Always.
I'm so sorry it couldn't be me.