35. Stuck With You
35
Stuck With You
WINTER
Ushering up the stairs with Matt on my heels, I count all the reasons why seeing Haze again shouldn’t have felt the way it did. Reason #1: he chose revenge over me. Reason #2: he left me with nothing but a letter. Reason#3: he lied to me for months. You can’t really blame him for that. He had no choice. I curse my inner voice. Reason #4: …
Why can’t I find a fourth reason?
Ah. Reason #4: he’s probably still chasing a murderer.
“What are you thinking about? You’ve been quiet the whole way home,” Matt points out when I swing my bedroom door open.
“I’m sorry, today was a lot.”
What would he do if he knew what was going on inside my head? If he knew what I’m really thinking about?
After the trial, we all went out for a celebratory dinner at my dad’s favourite restaurant. Matt suggested that we watch movies at my house. His parents’ charity event is in two days, and since he can’t make it to Kendrick’s party, we won’t be seeing each other tomorrow.
As soon as we enter my bedroom, his arms are around my waist, tugging at my clothes a bit… insistently? I’m surprised when his hands skim under the fabric of my shirt and over my stomach. He kisses me, my back hitting my closed bedroom door. I try to be into it, I really do.
But I’m not. God, what’s wrong with me?
He keeps on kissing me, his hands on my waist hinting at his intentions. When he grabs the hem of my shirt and begins lifting it up, I can’t bite my tongue anymore.
“Matt, hm…” I apply pressure to his chest. “I’m really tired.”
I’ve never seen someone’s face change this quickly.
“Are you serious?” Oh, he’s pissed.
“It has nothing to do with you, I promise. I’ve just had a really long day.” I could cringe at my own words.
“Do you even hear yourself?” He frowns. “We’ve been going out for months now, and you’ve barely let me touch you once. Why don’t you want this? I really like you, Winter, but it’s like… your foot’s always on the brake. I’m so sick of this one step forward, three steps back thing.”
I’ve been suspecting this moment would come from the very first time I rejected him. I just kept convincing myself that the next time he’d try, I’d be into it.
“Matt, I’m sorry. I guess I’m just not ready. I—”
“Is this because of your ex? That Haze guy? Are you not over him?” he accuses.
I open my mouth, ready to deny it, to call him insane but… I can’t go through with it, and my lack of a response is enough answer for him.
He scoffs. “Fuck this. I’m done.”
Two heartbeats later, he’s scampering down the stairs. I call his name in vain.
Then I hear the front door slam.
Mixing up the fruit punch with way too much vodka, I can’t find it in myself to listen to the story Allie’s been telling me for the past two and a half hours. She needed help to set up the party, and so we spent the entire day juggling last-minute tasks and running around her uncle’s gigantic boat—or is it a yacht? I don’t know. The guests should be here in a few hours. We’re still waiting for the guy who’ll be driving the boat all night.
I can’t stop thinking about what happened with Matt. “Why don’t you want this? I really like you, Winter, but it’s like your foot’s always on the brake. I’m so sick of this one step forward, three steps back thing.”
I know he’s right. We dated for three months without getting to second base. Truth is, I don’t want to. I get massive anxiety just thinking about it.
“Okay, what’s wrong?” Allie’s concern makes me jump.
“What?” I look at her.
“You know what. You’re somewhere else. What’s on your mind?” She empties a bag of chips into a bowl.
I suck in a breath.
“Matt and I broke up last night.”
A poorly hidden smile creeps its way onto her lips.
“What happened?”
I snort. “Don’t pretend like you’re not happy right now.”
“Okay, fine. Maybe I’m not a fan of the guy, but I’m your friend. If you’re hurt, I want to help.”
“He wanted us to… you know .” I shift from one foot to the other.
“Oh.” Her eyes widen. “And… did you?”
“No. That’s the problem. I told him I wasn’t ready, and he just… snapped. Started telling me I was still hung up on Haze. Then he left.”
Allie provides me with a brief “I’m so sorry,” and bites her tongue not to explore the matter further.
“Spill it.” I release her from the hell that’s keeping her opinion to herself.
“I mean, he’s not wrong,” she gives in.
“What? Of course he’s wrong. I don’t… I’m not…” I trip over my words. “Haze and I are over.”
“So?” She arches an eyebrow. “That’s not what this is about. This is about you still having feelings for him. And you clearly do.”
I don’t bother entertaining her drivel and walk over to the mini fridge to pack it with the last beers.
She follows me. “Come on, you two were epic. You were the Juliet to his Romeo. The glasses to his Harry Potter. The—”
“Al, I get it.” I laugh.
“I still think you’re going to get back together. Maybe in a year. Two years. Five years. I don’t know when, but you will. Which is why I might’ve kind of, sort of…” She pauses in anticipation of my reaction.
Oh no.
“Invited him to the party tonight.” She winces.
“You did what?!”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, but he was just standing there looking like a sad puppy dog watching you and Matt and I just… I felt bad for him. I always liked him, you know that.”
“I don’t care if you like him. He’s my ex. Do you have any idea how many friendship rules you just broke?” I scold her.
“Chill. It’s not like you’re going to have to talk to him. I told him to bring a friend. Plus, have you seen the gigantic boat? I’m sure you won’t even run into him.”
I know, with my luck, it’s impossible that I won’t run into the one guy I don’t want to see. That would go up against the universe’s oath to ruin my life.
Halfheartedly, I let go of my irritation. There’s nothing I can do about it.
Allie already invited him.
And I’ll be seeing Haze tonight.
Standing on a boat that’s immobilized and standing on a boat that’s in motion are apparently two very different things. As soon as the guests arrived, we departed, and consequently, my stomach decided to flip upside down. Allie suggested that I drink a few shots to take the edge off. It helped a bit, but I still can’t see myself going anywhere near the water without throwing up. With a rum and Coke in my right hand and my heart in the other, I chase off the mental images of Haze getting drunk somewhere in this crowd.
Kendrick’s having the time of his life with—you’ll never guess it—Alex, Will, and Kass. Allie had them flown to town without telling us. We were thrilled to see them hop aboard with gifts for Kendrick.
“Where have you been?” Allie comes close to tripping on her way over to me. She’s getting there , all right. “What are you doing all alone in a corner?”
“Trying not to puke.” I take a long sip of my drink.
“You won’t. You’ll be fine, come on.” She drags me to the guys, and as soon as I reach the middle of their circle, what I feared would happen, happens. I don’t feel well—like at all—but I breathe through the nausea. As long as I don’t see the water, I should be good.
“Canada!” Will opens his arms for a hug.
“How have you guys been?” I ask Alex and Will to update me on their lives when we pull away. I’ve missed so much. Alex tells me about his relationship with Morgan. Kass tells me she’s doing well in school, and I’m so incredibly proud of her.
“Hey, Canada, I saw your ex earlier. What’s he doing here? Didn’t you two break up like ten years ago?” Will mocks.
“Yes, we did.” I glare at Allie, and she emits a shy giggle. “ Someone invited him.”
“I’m telling you, you’ll never find something like this again. If anything, you should be thanking me.” She glances at Kendrick, requesting his support. I snort in anticipation of his disapproval and take a sip of my drink.
“She’s right, you know,” Kendrick says.
I choke on my rum and Coke.
“E-excuse me?” I say through a few coughs.
Am I hallucinating?
“The guy’s not perfect—like, far from it—but he loves you. You heard what he said yesterday. It’s been a year, and he’d still do anything for you.”
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” I lift the back of my hand to his forehead to check his temperature. He slaps my fingers away. “Since when do you support me dating Haze?”
“Since I haven’t seen you smile the way you did when you were with him in a year.”
I wince.
If my heart could speak, it’d be cussing Kendrick off right now.
What the hell is everyone’s deal? Why is every person on the planet dying to push me into the arms of the one guy I spent a year trying to forget? Thankfully, the conversation drifts to lighter topics, but I’m interrupted by yet another rush of nausea on subject number one. I tell them I’ll be back and tumble inside the cabin. I push the bathroom door open and stare at my reflection in the mirror.
You know that moment at a party when you only realize how fucked-up you are when you’re alone in the bathroom?
That’s what’s happening right now.
I pull my phone out and see a text from Allie. She’s asking if I’m okay. I text back that I need a breather and not to worry about me. Stepping out of the bathroom, I head for the stairs leading back to the deck and stop dead in my tracks when I hear a voice I know all too well.
“You’ve had enough, Vic.”
Haze.
My heart sinks.
As in literally… because I’m on a boat. Get it?
Shut up, Winter .
“For real though, are you at least invited to the wedding?” Vic cackles.
“You know I’m not,” Haze says quietly.
“Well, you should be. As far as I’m concerned, Harry should give you some credit. Make you best man or something.”
I frown.
“I might’ve gotten his new girlfriend into the house, but I didn’t create what they have. They did that all on their own.”
Wait, what?
Haze got Judy into the house?
“Stop being so modest, man. If it weren’t for his home care, Winter’s dad would still be a single pringle. And I mean… you paid for it.”
My jaw falls to the floor.
At first, my brain attempts to convince itself that I heard him wrong. But then, the truth completes a puzzle I didn’t even know was missing a piece.
Haze… paid for my dad’s care?
I always wondered about the insurance company’s sudden change of heart. My dad never gave me a real explanation. Does he know that Haze paid for it? Shit, that must’ve been so expensive. I can’t believe it. Haze is the reason I didn’t lose my mind while my dad was healing. Without Judy, I would’ve been alone to take care of him, Jay, and Maika full-time.
On autopilot, I step out of hiding and expose myself to a very drunk combo. They’re both leaned back against the wall, drinking beers.
“What the hell?” It comes out way louder than intended.
Haze’s face collapses at the sight of me.
That’s Vic’s cue.
“I… I’m going to go see if they have any food.” He disappears up the stairs in a hurry.
An intolerable silence sits between us.
Haze speaks first.
“How long have you been listening?” he sighs.
“Long enough.”
He begins to say something, but I can’t hear him, thanks to the loud music upstairs. Irritated, I act on impulse and snatch his beer from his hand. I finish it in one gulp and throw it into a nearby trash can. Then, I grab his arm, lead him into the guest bedroom Allie assigned to me, and shut the door.
Kendrick, Alex, Will, Kass, Allie, and I will be sleeping inside the boat tonight. It’s coming back to the shore at around 3:00 a.m. for the guests to leave, but we decided not to bother arranging for a designated driver and will be sleeping at the marina. I flick the light on and wait. I don’t even know what I expect him to say.
“When?” I try to convince myself that he did it when we were still dating. Just so he won’t be a saint who paid for his ex-girlfriend’s family for months.
“The day after we broke up.”
Damn it.
“Why?” I’m overwhelmed. “Why would you do that? You… You didn’t owe me anything.”
“Are you kidding? I owed you everything . Your dad was in a wheelchair because of an accident I caused, and you refused to admit it, but there was way too much on your shoulders. I knew if I couldn’t be there to help you, someone else had to.”
“D-Does my dad know?”
Haze nods. “Yeah, he called me the day he found out he’d get a nurse.”
“But how did he connect the dots?”
Haze runs a hand through his hair. “I went to visit him when he was in a coma.”
It comes back to me. My dad told me a while ago that Haze came to see to him alone at the hospital.
“I felt so fucking guilty, I… I told him I’d do anything to make this right. I guess he heard me, and from there, he put the pieces together.”
My head starts spinning. This is so much to take in.
“So, he knew all along? All this time, he knew you’d paid for us?”
“Yeah, but I made him promise not to tell you. You wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and you were right… back then.”
Back then ?
As in I’m not right anymore?
“I didn’t want you to think I was trying to sway your decision because I wasn’t. And you were right. You deserved someone better.”
Again with the past tense.
His blue eyes cut me with every glance.
“Are you mad at me?” he worries.
Mad at him? Thankful is more like it. He spent so much money on helping his ex’s family—hell, he practically saved it. And he didn’t think I’d ever find out.
My voice softens. “Of course not.”
Hesitant, he steps forward, as though he’s testing the waters. I don’t stop him. He gets closer. And closer. And closer. Until we’re mere inches apart. I can’t move. He pushes a strand of hair off my face with the back of his hand, and I curse myself for shivering at something so little. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but… in this moment…
I want to kiss him.
I know I shouldn’t. I know crossing this line would mean completely destroying one year’s worth of efforts, but I really, really, really fucking want to kiss him. I eye his lips. It’s been forever, but I vividly remember how breathtaking it was. So, before I make the mistake of falling all over again, I walk out of the room.
No, I try .
But the door won’t open.
It’s locked.
No! Allie talked about going down to lock the bedrooms sometime during the party in case some of the guests wandered around and wrecked her uncle’s boat. He said one scratch on his “baby” would lose Allie access to his boat for five lifetimes. She’ll unlock them all when she goes down to sleep later.
“We’re stuck,” I say and explain the situation to him. I triple text Allie, call her four times. No reply. Same goes for Kendrick. They’re probably drunk out of their minds, making out somewhere. I try Alex, Kass, Will—everyone. Not a single peep.
Panic takes over me.
“Relax. It’s just for a few hours,” Haze says, unbothered.
“ Relax ? How am I supposed to relax?” I prowl around the bedroom, my breathing unsteady.
“Winter, calm down.”
“I can’t,” I say, strangled.
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t!” I continue to drag myself deeper and deeper into an anxiety attack.
He snatches my wrist into his hand. “Winter, stop. What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m afraid to be alone with you!” I almost scream.
Stunned, he stares at me in silence.
I take my wrist back.
After a few seconds, I let it all out.
“Don’t you get it? I was fine with my decision. Up until yesterday, I was completely, one hundred percent fine with never seeing you again, but then… then you had to show up in court and fuck with my head and…” My voice wavers with emotions. “I need to get out of here.”
I make my way to the door—I swear I will kick that door down if I have to—but he grabs my waist with one arm and spins me right around.
My breath hitches in my throat. His chest, hard as rock, welcomes mine, and he cups my face firmly with both hands. I squeeze my eyes shut to avoid eye contact. If I don’t see it, it’s not real. If I don’t see it, it’s not real.
“Why can’t you be alone with me?” he whispers.
He knows. He just wants to hear me say it.
No reply.
“Winter, tell me why.”
Tears build up behind my eyelids, threatening to fall the second I open them.
“Because you hate me?” A twinge of vulnerability lingers between every word.
I peel my eyes open.
And surrender.
“Because I don’t hate you at all.”
His lips part.
He stares at me in shock for what feels like forever.
The room is so silent you could hear our beating hearts.
Then he slams his mouth against mine.
No warning, not a word, he just kisses me. Hard.
I’m confident my heart is on a countdown to self-destruction when I return the kiss. His tongue pushes past my lips. He’s such a good kisser it’s almost painful. Painful to think that I went without this for a year. But what hurts even more… is how quickly he pulls away.
He presses his forehead to mine. “I missed you every second. Every day. Every single fucking minute since that night.”
I’m speechless, but he doesn’t expect me to muster a reply. Just pulls me into his arm and hugs me. Long and hard. The gesture is overwhelmingly sweet, excruciatingly heartwarming. The way he wraps me up and holds me tighter than ever before. This is so much more than lust. This is missing someone. I want to fight the current, the wave of feelings washing over me, but as I stand here, head against his chest, I think I’d rather let it sweep me away.
He breaks away from me, and suddenly… I can’t think of one single reason not to kiss Haze fucking Adams.
You deserved someone better , he said.
And I know.
Right here.
Right now.
There’s no such thing as someone better.
I lurch forward and kiss him again. He grunts in relief at my initiative. His fingers run through my hair; mine run everywhere. He lifts me up into his arms and bands my legs around his waist. He squeezes my ass, plastering me to the locked bedroom door. A whole year and it still feels natural, as necessary as breathing, laughing with your friends, making mistakes, and trying again. As essential as being alive. When he yanks my shirt over my head, I know exactly why I kept on rejecting Matthew.
I didn’t want to sleep with Matt.
I wanted to sleep with Haze.
My bra is off within seconds. His mouth latches onto my nipples, my neck, my earlobe, and I’m so sensitive to his touch I could cry. He tugs at my leggings, resting me down to render their removal easier. I’m the one undressing him now. We never stop to discuss what’s going to happen next. That would require thinking, and we’re operating on pure instinct.
We’re both only in our underwear by the time I’m back up into his arms, bare skin against the freezing door. Impatient, I slide his underwear down with my feet, or at least try to, and he laughs. God, I missed that laugh. He tosses it down his legs and kicks them off with one move. Then he slips my underwear to the side and slides his length up and down against my center.
Holy fuck. I can’t believe this is happening on the second time I’ve seen him in a year.
We’re both so eager, desperate, that I can’t help but wonder if it’s been as long for him as it has for me. I haven’t had sex once since we broke up. Has he? He toys with me, just relentlessly teasing my sweet spot and watching our bodies connect with a smug grin on his face.
Then he puts me out of my misery.
He grips a fistful of my hair and jams himself inside me with a calculated, powerful thrust. I almost cry out at how much I missed this, and from the look on his face, he feels the same. He doesn’t move, just groaning as he kisses me deeper, like he wants to relish in every single detail, every sensation this moment unfolds. Like he’s been waiting for this forever. And he has.
We both have.
When he begins to move, I wonder if someone standing outside could hear our bodies slapping against the door.
“Fuck, I’m not going to last,” he immediately admits, working my neck. I let out a loud moan unintentionally, and he grins, covering my mouth with his hand as he continues to squeeze in and out of me. I almost forgot there was a party raging upstairs.
Quickly, he swaps the hand on my mouth for his lips, and I kiss him back. Of course I do . With every quiver and moan his mouth blocks, he thrusts harder. Until eventually he breaks away from me and searches my eyes for an answer. What’s the question? I don’t know, but the blue of his eyes is all it takes to send me spiraling.
Fuck, I still love him.
I never stopped.
“I love you.” He lifts my right leg higher and plunges back into me. I swallow a moan.
I don’t say it back.
I can’t.
I physically can’t.
My body won’t let me. It screams, “Don’t you dare.”
“You don’t.” My throat tightens.
He thinks he does. But he doesn’t.
“Yes. I do.” He stares dead into my eyes, drawing back entirely for a torturously long moment before he fills me all the way again. Shit . With his mouth hovering right next to my ear, he whispers the words that destroy the poor excuse of a wall I spent a year building around myself. “I fucking love you, Winter Kingston. I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I love you and I’m always going to love you. Even when you don’t feel the same. Even when you don’t want me to. Even when I shouldn’t. I’m going to love you. Always .”
No, no, no.
Don’t you dare, Winter.
Don’t you dare say it.
You know what happens when you say it.
You know how much it hurts.
“I love you, too,” I practically sob.
Relief, disbelief, and happiness spread onto his perfect features, competing for a spot.
“You do?” his voice is thick with emotions.
“Of course I do.” I choke. “I don’t think there will ever be a day where I won’t.”
He brings his lips back to mine, his hand dropping downward as he pumps faster and faster. I nearly fall apart when he starts rotating his fingers precisely where I want him to. He touches me as though he’s going to reward me for what I’ve just said, and my eyes roll back.
Oh my God.
My stomach clenches in bliss, and he groans. He always hated when I clenched around him. Said it made it impossible for him to last. But I can’t stop. We’re both at each other’s mercy, losing what’s left of our sanity. It’s not long before he begins to tremble. I’m next in line. The pressure in my stomach rips me apart.
“I love you,” he grunts as his features twitch in pleasure.
“I love you more.” I say it again. One more time. One last time? I’m gutted by just how true that is.
I do love him more.
No matter how much he thinks he loves me, no matter how many times he says it. If he’d loved me half as much as I did him… he would’ve chosen us.
I don’t even realize how irresponsible we are not to use a condom when he finds his release and I follow, coming undone in an outburst of spasms. We’ve never ever gone without a condom before.
Breathing heavily, he slams his palm against the closed door he’s got me pressed up against and nestles his head in my neck, still deep inside me. I’m glad he doesn’t see the tear rolling down my cheek. Is it a tear of joy? Sadness? Anger? Maybe all of the above. All I know is this single tear calls me stupid in five different languages. It tells me I was dumb to think I was going to fall for him again.
Dumb to think I ever un fell for him in the first place