Chapter 19 #2
I huffed, not appreciating her tone. My thoughts were spinning out of control. I thought of telling Kinsley she’d be a big sister. Raising another child. High school. College. How badly I’d fuck up this kid too.
“When did you plan to tell me?” I focused on the easy thing. The one thing I could be mad about, directing all this anger at her . Not me.
She shrugged. She fucking shrugged .
“When I thought you could handle the news, I guess.”
I raised my hands in the air like I might just throttle her. She didn’t flinch. My hands dropped back down to my sides. I spun and marched out of the bathroom. She followed, hot on my heels.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Game tonight,” I snapped.
“Seriously?” I heard her voice from further back. She’d stopped, arms folded across her chest.
I turned to her at the back door, hand already on the knob, escape so close. “I just need…” I closed my eyes and tried to force my lungs to inhale enough to speak. “I just need some space right now, Shae.”
Her expression ripped at my heart as I walked out and climbed into my truck.
I didn’t even remember the drive back to the school, nor did I give any advice to my players during the game that was worth anything.
We squeaked out a win, solely due to my players having put in the work this season and not because of me as a coach.
I waited until every player, parent, and ref had left the field for the night.
I stared up at the night sky and was torn between laughing and screaming.
How the fuck did I end up here again? For the life of me, I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t worn a condom.
Then again, I messed up before. Kinsley was proof of that.
My phone vibrated in my back pocket. I almost didn’t check it, not ready to communicate if it was Shae messaging me, but then I thought that it might be Kinsley. It wasn’t. It was from my brother.
Warrick: Nice win, little bro! This town needed you.
I hung my head, unable to message him back.
The town didn’t need me. Shae didn’t want me except as a dirty little secret.
I was a shit father. Fuck, everyone knew I wasn’t cut out to be a dad.
That was why we lived with my mother so she could be the parent to Kinsley that she deserved.
Now, Colson, he should be a dad, but he never got the opportunity.
Colson would have been the kind of dad people wrote parenting books about.
Why the fuck had God given me two children when I was so clearly bad at this?
Back in my truck, I turned the engine over and sat there, not sure where to go or what to do.
I could have gone to Gin/Tan/Laundry and let the locals buy me drinks for the win over Hell, but that sounded worse than going home and licking my wounds alone in my bed.
I started driving and found myself going past Mom’s property, headed for Warrick’s.
He and Emmerleigh were probably getting the kids down for the night and I’d disrupt their routine, but I suddenly needed my big brother. I needed someone to unload on.
Emmerleigh didn’t blink an eye when I showed up and asked to speak to Warrick alone.
She just took a wet and wiggling Georgia out of his arms and patted me on the chest as she walked away.
Vivian must already be asleep upstairs. Warrick grabbed two beers out of the refrigerator and led us to their front porch where we sank into the plush chairs and sipped in silence.
Colson gave me shit constantly. It was our love language.
Warrick always took the silent approach.
He waited me out and let me figure out the jumbled thoughts in my head.
The only problem was there wasn’t going to be a time when I got this all straight in my head.
I had eighteen years to be fucked up about this situation.
“Shae’s pregnant.”
Warrick choked on his sip and had to cough a few times and beat on his chest before he sat back and appraised me. “Whoa. I assume it’s yours with all the nights you’ve been sneaking over there?”
I glared at him.
He hid his smile behind another sip of beer. “Of course I knew. Everyone knows how you feel about Shae. It’s fucking obvious.”
I narrowed my eyes, absolutely lost. “Everyone knows? How does everyone know how I feel about her when I don’t even know?”
Warrick leaned forward, his forearms on his knees. “See, that’s the only concerning part of this whole pregnancy thing. You have a finite amount of time to figure out how you feel about Shae before you have a tiny, screaming human distracting you.”
“Dude, I know. I was a father before you ever were,” I snapped. Then I felt bad for snapping. I’d come here for help, not to piss off everyone in my life. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
Warrick waved away the apology. “You just found out?”
I nodded, a wave of terror sweeping over me. The numbness was fading. “Yeah. She’s known for awhile now, but just told me today because she had morning sickness in front of me and I guessed.”
Warrick looked out into the night sky dotted with the branches of all the old trees on this property.
Past the tree line was the lake we’d go fishing in with our father.
He didn’t say anything for so long I started to think I’d get no big-brother council like I was seeking.
I finished my beer and placed it on the wood floor by my feet.
He turned to me then, a smile growing on his face.
“I’m excited for you, man. Our kids will grow up together this time around.”
I hadn’t thought of that. That was one positive in a sea of negatives.
Warrick put down his beer and slapped me on the shoulder in some sort of celebratory bro hug.
“This is your second chance, Boon. It’s like you’re being hit over the head with the opportunity to get it right finally.
Haven’t you been saying you wished you’d done better with Kinsley? This is your chance!”
The heavy weight of responsibility pressed down on my shoulders. “Yeah. I mean, I want to do better, but I’m not sure I’m capable.”
Warrick snorted and stood. “That’s a copout. Victim mentality. Surely all those sports psychologists you’ve seen over the years would point that out and slap you in the face with it, yeah?” He paced back and forth on the porch, no longer looking happy. He looked worked up on my behalf.
“You want to be a better man, Boon?” He didn’t wait for my nod. “Quit fucking talking about it and do it. Jesus! Just man up and fucking do it already.”
And then he walked inside, shutting the door behind him like we were done chatting and I wasn’t welcome inside his house.
I sat there for a bit, wondering if he’d come back out with more beer, but when it became apparent he really was done with me, I slunk back to my truck and headed home.
I saw a light on in Shae’s house but I didn’t even consider going over there tonight. I had some serious thinking to do.
No, not just thinking. Because Warrick was right.
I needed a plan of action .