Chapter 38
NIKOLAI
Every scar on my back burned like they’d cracked open again. The freezing water seeped into every pore like needles, settling itself in my lungs as I wasted oxygen trying to fight the force that pulled me under.
Pain.
Grief.
Fate.
Each one of them was stronger than I was, consuming me. Overpowering me. Owning me until the end.
And just like that, I was twelve again.
“Nikolai, get off the ice! It’s not safe!”
I could hear her as if she were right here, yelling next to me.
“What’s wrong, Anya? Don’t tell me you’re afraid of the ice. Don’t let Father hear you. Fear is poison in the veins, Babochka.”
The ice cracked beneath me. One moment, I was standing, taunting my sister; the next, I was falling.
The shock of the water stole my breath. My heavy winter coat soaked through instantly, the weight of it pulling me down like an anchor. Just like it was now. Only, this time, the weight that sank me was years of grief, waiting for a reprieve.
I thrashed, panicked, my adolescent arms fighting then against fabric that wanted to drown me, but immobile now.
Down.
Down into darkness.
I looked up and saw the hole in the ice above me, light filtering through, blood all around me. So far away. Already too far.
My lungs burned. My limbs went numb.
Symmetrical to all those years ago.
“ANYA!”
I’d dove in after Adrianne without thinking. Saw her sinking in that red dress, and couldn’t let history repeat itself. Couldn’t watch another person I loved drown while I did nothing.
I reached her. Pulled her up. Breathed air into her lungs. Shoved her toward the surface, toward her brothers’ hands, toward life.
And then, I fell back in, the weight of my guilt pulling me down.
I should have fought it.
Should have shed the pain that pulled me, but the darkness was so familiar and welcoming.
I sank, and instead of panic, I felt peace.
This was right.
This was how it should have been all along. The debt I owed was finally being paid.
Anya, I’m sorry it took so long.
The water darkened over my head. My lungs burned, begging for air I couldn’t give them.
But I didn’t fight. I couldn’t. Because in the darkness, I saw her.
Not fifteen anymore. Not the girl who’d drowned when I was a boy.
But grown and beautiful. The woman she would have become if she’d lived.
Her black hair floated around her face like a dark halo. Her pale blue eyes looked at me with sadness.
“You’re an idiot, Kolya,” Brother, she said, her voice echoing through the water.
I tried to speak, but only bubbles escaped my lips.
“I didn’t save you so you could throw it away twenty-five years later.” She moved closer, her form shimmering like she was made of water and light. “I saved you because I loved you. Because you were my little brother. Because you deserved to live.”
No, I wanted to say. You deserved to live. Not me. Never me.
“You think this evens the score?” Anya’s hand touched my face, impossibly warm in the frozen water.
Yes. That’s exactly what I thought.
“You’re wrong.” Her voice was sad, drenched in disappointment. “I didn’t die to infest you with guilt, Nikolai. I died because I loved you. Because saving you was worth my life. And you living, that’s how you honor what I did. Not by joining me at the bottom of this lake.”
My lungs were screaming now. Every cell in my body, begging for air.
“Let go,” a voice whispered in my head so vivid it had to be real, but this time, it wasn’t Anya. “Let go, and be at peace.”
“She’s up there,” Anya said, and when I looked at her again, something in her expression had changed. She looked proud. Happy. “She’s up there waiting for you. Screaming for you. Loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Choosing you.”
I know.
“Then fight.”
But I’m so tired, Anya. So tired of carrying this guilt. Of remembering. Of wishing I could change what happened.
“Then let it go.” Her voice was gentle now, like when we were children and she’d comfort me after one of Father’s beatings.
“Let go of the guilt. Let go of thinking you should have died instead of me. I made my choice. I jumped in knowing the risks. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Because you are worthy.”
I can’t.
“You will.” Anya smiled, and it was the same smile I remembered and cherished.
The darkness was closing in. My vision tunneling. My body going limp.
This was it. The end. I’d found them.
“Niko.” Anya’s voice was fading, becoming distant like an echo. “I forgive you. I forgave you the moment I jumped in after you. It was my choice. My love. My sacrifice. So forgive yourself. Let me go. And live.”
She was disappearing. Fading into the darkness like she’d never been there.
“I love you, little brother. I’ve always loved you. And I’m so proud of the man you became despite everything. Now swim. Swim back to her. Live the life I never got to live. Be happy. For the three of us.”
I should swim.
I should fight.
I should choose to live.
But my body wouldn’t respond. The cold had seeped too deep. My limbs were too heavy. The darkness too inviting.
My eyes were closing. My lungs were giving up their fight for air.
Something grabbed me. Someone was pulling at my arms, struggling with the weight of my numb body.
Light started to invade the murky water as I was being pulled up.
Away from the darkness. Away from Anya. Away from peace.
No, I wanted to stay as much as I wanted to go. Let me go. Let me rest.
But I was moving to that light. Someone swimming with desperate strength, dragging my limp body toward the surface.
Toward life.
Toward my Adrianne.
I took one final breath, and my lungs gave out. Water rushed in, burning like fire.
There was no more light. Everything went black.