Chapter 40
ADRIANNE
The rain streaked down the window in slow motion, blurring the New York lights all together.
I pressed my forehead against the cool glass, my breath fogging it with little clouds that expanded and faded with each exhale. The rhythm was meditative.
Breathing in. Breathing out.
This was what I’d been doing ever since Matt and Liam shoved me into that damn jet and flew me back to New York. Surviving.
At least it was proof that I was still alive, even when I felt like I’d died on that lake.
Take her home.
Those words and his dismissal hurt more than the deep, healing gash on my leg. My thigh was botched, the white line of the scar running the length of it, all the way up to my hip. My unfinished tattoo was destroyed, breaking the transformation. Ending it.
Seemed fitting. Mine had ended, too, right when I thought I was finally blooming into his Babochka.
It had been three weeks since that horrific night.
Since Nikolai saved me from the water and nearly died pulling me out, only to throw me away.
The window fogged with a bigger cloud as a heavy exhale left my lungs.
“Addy?”
Jimmy called as he entered my apartment. They’d been taking turns checking on me, making sure I ate and slept. Pathetic, I know.
“Did you hear me?”
“Huh? I’m okay,” I replied automatically, the lie coming easy after weeks of practice, even though I didn’t actually hear what he’d said.
I lifted my hand and drew on the fogged glass. A butterfly. Wings spread wide like it was mid-flight.
Like it was free.
“I said I brought you a hamburger and fries. Come eat while it’s still warm.”
Burger and fries?
“I’m not hungry.” I wiped the butterfly away with my palm, erasing it as if it had never existed.
I heard him move closer, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder. I could feel his pity covering me like an unwelcomed blanket.
“No news yet, huh?”
“No. Nothing.”
“Listen,” He started, making me turn to him this time, “Do you love him?”
I paused for a second, feeling revolted, the anger that had been simmering in my chest bubbling up to the surface now.
“No. I hate him.” My voice was harsh and steady, speaking a truth that was as jaded as my broken heart, “I hate him for everything he made me feel. I hate him for saving me. I hate him for throwing me away just like everyone else in this fucking life.”
“You know that’s not true. Your family loves you.
I love you.” I took in his words, another exhale coming out of me because I didn’t know what to say to Jimmy and not hurt him.
“I care about you, Addy, but it’s very clear to me who you belong to.
You hate him right now because you love him.
Because you’re sitting at that window, waiting for him to come get you. ”
I stood there looking at him, my eyebrows pinched together from the pain that statement just inflicted, which was so much worse than the one shooting up my thigh.
“I’m so pathetic. How could I love someone who kidnapped me?
How love-starved does a person have to be to crave that from a monster?
” I thought that realizing my father didn’t know about my existence had miraculously erased the trauma I had nurtured since I was a kid.
That knowing he’d love me and care for me if he knew had filled that hole in my chest that urged to be overflowing with love.
Turns out, knowing and feeling were two different things, and I’d be quick to fall for a man who’d made me feel like I mattered.
“How pathetic does a man have to be to jump into a frozen lake to save you?”
“Don’t try to convince me that I’m sane, Jimmy. I can see how fucked up everything was now.”
“If that’s true, what will you do when he shows up?”
I scoffed, almost offended by the patronizing talk. “He’s not coming, Jimmy. I’ve stopped deluding myself.”
“Then he’s a bigger fool than I thought.”
“No. He just plays the game better.”
Jimmy leaned in, placing a kiss on my forehead, but as soothing as it was intended to be, there was nothing that could make me feel better.
“Eat. You need your strength.”
I gave him a light nod and turned back towards the window. I felt him leave, the light click of the lock making me finally exhale in relief. He was a friend, but lately I was bad company for everyone and keeping up a facade was getting harder by the day.
I preferred the silence now, the solitude of drowning in my thoughts alone.
The door slammed open with enough force to rattle the frame, making me jump and turn towards it.
“What the fuck was he doing here?”
My eyes must have been playing tricks on me, and my ears just went with it, too.
Nikolai stood in the doorway, his pale eyes blazing with fury. My chest heaved as I looked at him standing there, eyes locked on me.
He looked thinner than I remembered, a bandage visible at the edge of his collar, but the intensity radiating off of him was the same. That same dangerous energy that had drawn me to him from the beginning.
“Nikolai.” His name came out breathless and shocked.
“I asked you a question.” He stepped inside, closing the door behind him with deliberate control. “What was Jimmy doing here?”
“Bringing me food.” I lifted my chin, refusing to let him see how much his sudden appearance had shaken me. How much I’d missed him. How much I’d cried myself to sleep thinking about him. “He’s my friend.”
“He wants to be more than your friend. I thought we’d made that clear already.”
“Well, you snooze, you lose.” The words came out sharper than intended, defensive armor against the pain that threatened to eat me alive.
Nikolai’s expression went deadly calm. “Absolutely fucking not.”
He crossed the room in three strides and grabbed my throat. Not hard enough to hurt, but firm enough to tilt my head back, to make me meet those icy eyes that burned with possession. To make me shudder with his possessiveness.
“I’m not yours anymore.” I dared to defy him.
“I’ve kidnapped you once,” he said, his voice dropping to a lethal whisper. “Don’t think for a fucking second I won’t do it again.”
Heat flooded through me despite my anger.
“I’d like to see you try.”
“Would you?” His thumb traced along my jaw. “Because I will tie you to my bed and keep you there until you understand that you’re mine. That you’ve always been mine. That three weeks doesn’t change a goddamn thing. Is that what you want?”
“You sent me away.” My voice cracked despite my best efforts. “You saved me, and then you told Matt to take me home like I was nothing.”
“Like you’re everything.” He corrected, pain flashing across his face.
“And it nearly killed me. But I needed you safe. I needed to know you were protected when I couldn’t do it myself.
I couldn’t come to you until I was sure it was safe.
Because one thing I promise you, Babochka, you will never be in danger again in your life.
I will not make you go through pain like that ever again. ”
“You could have told me you weren’t tossing me.”
“Would you have left if I had?”
I opened my mouth to argue, then closed it. Because he was right. If he’d told me he’d come for me, I would have fought with everything I had to stay. But he knew my weakness and used it against me. I couldn’t decide if that made me angrier or soothed my pain.
“Exactly. I was too fucked up to make sure you were safe. And nothing is more important than your safety, Babochka.”
“And so that gives you permission to march back into my life and take me back? Demand that I stop seeing my friends?”
“I don’t like him hanging around my wife,” Nikolai said, his voice dropping into a pit of dark possessiveness.
“Your wife?” I scoffed in mockery, trying to pull back, but his grip tightened. “I’m not your wife.”
“Then why are you wearing my ring?”
“What ring?” I lifted my left hand, showing him my bare fingers. “See? No ring.”
Nikolai released my throat and grabbed my hand instead. In one smooth motion, he slid a platinum band onto my ring finger. A single diamond caught the light, simple, and perfect, and so fucking devastating.
“You can fight me all you want, Babochka.” His other hand cupped my face, forcing me to look at him.
“You can stay angry at me for sending you away. You can make me work to earn your forgiveness. But while I’m redeeming myself, you’re still mine.
And I’m not allowing any other man to think for a second that you’re not taken. ”
“You don’t get to just put a ring on my finger and–”
“Kiss me.” He cut me off.
I blinked. “What?”
“Kiss me.” His thumb brushed across my bottom lip. “Or I’m going after Jimmy. His fate is in your hands.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.” He started to step back, to pull away.
Panic seized my chest. I grabbed his arm, yanking him back. “Don’t you dare.”
“Then kiss me.”
I crossed my arms, glaring at him. “No.”
“Adrianne.” It was a warning, or maybe a plea. I couldn’t tell anymore with how dazed his proximity made me.
“You don’t get to threaten people and then expect me to be compliant.”
He turned toward the door.
“Wait!” I grabbed his shirt, pulling him back with more force than necessary.
He turned, and I saw the satisfaction in his eyes. The bastard knew I’d break.
“I hate you,” I whispered.
“No, you don’t.” His hand slid into my hair. “But you can pretend if it makes you feel better.”
Then, he kissed me.
Deep, and claiming, and desperate, like he was trying to pour three weeks of separation into it. I kissed him back just as fiercely, my hands fisting in his shirt, pulling him closer even as tears streamed down my face.
When we finally broke apart, we were both breathing hard.
“I missed you,” I whispered against his lips. “I missed you so much it felt like dying.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Babochka.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “But I’m here now. And I’m never leaving you again.”
“Promise me.”
“I swear it on everything I have. On my mother and Anya’s memory. On our future. I’m never leaving you again.”