Chapter 22 - Victoria
Nothing could ever prepare me for the way my life is about to change even more than it already has.
I didn’t know how to react when the doctor congratulated us, confirming my suspicions. I managed to muster up a smile despite the uncertainty that stopped me from fully embracing the news.
But of course, I didn’t miss the way Roman’s eyes lit up. How he seemed genuinely happy.
I suppose it’s easier for him to feel that way when everything is going in his favor, and this is something he has clearly been wanting. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I cried in the bathroom after.
Not out of sadness…but from how overwhelmed I felt.
It’s been a lot to take in, especially given everything else that has happened between us.
Our marriage has been nothing short of a whirlwind full of whiplash, and despite how I’m still getting to know Roman, we’re going to be welcoming another life in a few months.
The thought of having a baby doesn’t scare me, but not entirely knowing the man I’ve been married to, or how it might change us does.
Roman is in and out of the house as often as he can be, but it’s been mostly quiet.
He has me on a strict schedule of taking it easy, which involves lounging around the house and trying my hardest to keep busy somehow.
But without any work or chores to preoccupy me, it’s easier said than done.
Elena stops by in the early afternoon, carrying an arrangement of pretty spring flowers and some desserts she picked up from her favorite spot to break up the monotony.
She’s full of life, looking radiant and sounding more than excited.
As much as I find it difficult to connect with Roman’s family when I see them, Elena is the outlier, and despite everything, I find myself appreciating her company more and more.
“I already have a list of names if you need some inspiration,” she says while we walk together through a quiet strip in the city with a few guards trailing behind us.
She grins. “To be fair, I’ve thought of more girl names since that’s what my gut feeling is telling me it’ll be.
I already know she’ll have everyone wrapped around her finger. ”
I can’t help but chuckle at her enthusiasm, well aware that she’s been looking forward to this day for quite some time. “And what if it’s a boy?”
“Then he’ll be doomed…Roman will make sure he’s nothing short of a good man,” she says with a laugh of her own. “He’ll watch him like a hawk.”
“Is that what he did with your brothers?”
Elena scoffs as if it’s obvious. “He still does. You should’ve seen him with Ivan when he was a teenager…any time he tried to bring a girl home, Roman would ‘chaperone’ them until she’d get uncomfortable and leave.”
Unable to help myself, I laugh at that—genuinely and unencumbered by everything else going on.
She sighs, but her smile lingers. “No wonder he acts the way he does now…But I know Roman will be smitten no matter what you have.”
Despite myself, those words bring a small swell of hope to my chest, and something in me hopes she’s right.
The way Elena glows with excitement over the pregnancy is beautiful to me, and I’m glad to have her to help lift my spirits. But even so, a new kind of pressure builds within my chest.
To her, the baby is an absolute miracle. To me, I still don’t know how to feel…which only exacerbates it all.
After meandering around the shops and picking up a few things for the baby that Elena wouldn’t let me leave without, we returned home, then she set off back to her place.
By the time I’m alone again, I feel tired all over from the sunshine and sharing too many smiles, but when I reach the bedroom for a nap, I pause.
Sticking out like a sore thumb, given how long I’ve been without one, a phone sits on my nightstand.
It’s not my old one, but this cell is new and sleek while it rests on the box.
Immediately, I know what it’s supposed to be. A gift.
The whisper of freedom, or perhaps a subtle thanks for being less combative with him. It’s a small thing, but the gesture weighs much heavier than I ever thought it would.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I reach for the phone and take it in. That familiar weight feels good again after going so long without my old one, and I find myself quick to unlock it.
While doing a short search, I find my old contacts transferred over, along with some new ones Roman took the liberty of adding for me.
But one catches my attention, and with a breath, I click on the name and bring the phone to my ear.
It rings only once before I hear that familiar voice again.
“Holy shit,” Vanessa says without needing even a moment to breathe and take in the moment. “Victoria? You’re alive?”
The sound of her voice brings me both relief and a touch of guilt. “Hi, Nessa.”
A small scoff comes through. “No, no…don’t ‘hi’ me…it’s been months of no texts or calls. That’s all you have?”
Wincing at her incredulous tone, I know she has every right to be upset with me. “Sorry…I should’ve called.”
“You think?” Vanessa poses with a half-tense, half-relieved tone. “Everyone thought you joined a cult or got abducted or something…”
Well …
Before I can say anything else, she sighs, and her tone softens slightly. “I’m pissed with you…But I’m also really glad to hear your voice again. Where have you been?”
“It’s a lot to dive into, but I just needed to get away. I needed a break from everything, so I went soul-searching.”
The recycled excuse from Roman feels wrong coming from my mouth, but I can’t tell her everything. Not even close.
An amused sound escapes her. “Soul-searching? I didn’t take you as the spiritual type…and since when did you decide to do something other than grading spelling quizzes during your weekends?”
“I guess I took your advice about taking a break to heart.”
“No shit,” she says, allowing more of her usual humor to slip into her words. “I have to say, it feels pretty good to be taken seriously for once, even if I’m going to take at least two business days to recover from the shock of hearing from you again.”
I smile at her dramatics, realizing how much I missed talking to her.
As easily as we normally do, we fall into our usual rhythm. We touch on everything from small talk, changes happening at the school, promotions, and whatever other gossip she’s been saving up for me.
I find myself easing into a place that feels comfortable and familiar to me, and in a way, it’s relaxing.
When there’s a small lull in conversation, Vanessa asks, “Are you okay over there?”
I think about it for half a beat. “Yeah…I’m figuring things out.”
“And are you happy at least?”
Closing my eyes, I try to focus on the positives. I see Roman’s face from the night I told him, and later, once the pregnancy was confirmed. I feel the ghost of his skin against mine and all the reverential attention he has given me since then. The way he looks at me like I’ve given him the world.
“I’m getting there.”
Surprisingly, Vanessa sounds satisfied with it and doesn’t press any further.
After saying our goodbyes and promising to call her again soon, I stayed on the bed for a time, simply looking at her name and number.
A small smile lingers on my face, and after all this time, something finally feels more settled within me.
Speaking to Vanessa wasn’t an absolute cure, but it certainly helped.
By the time Roman comes home, it’s dark, and I’ve already long eaten.
He comes in looking more tired than usual, and there’s something different in his gaze. Something more contemplative, as if his mind is elsewhere.
When his eyes land on me while I’m curled up on the couch, not paying attention to whatever’s playing on the screen in front of me, he seems to debate something with himself before his expression softens and he approaches.
“Long day?”
Roman lets go of a breath, then he collapses on the couch and shifts until his head rests on my thigh. He places a hand on my stomach. “That’s an understatement…I needed to see you.”
Something about that honest admittance stirs a hint of warmth within me, and I extend a hand to gently stroke his hair. “Now you get to see me.”
The corner of his lip just barely pulls upward. “And I plan to take full advantage of that fact.”
We sit like that for a while as he closes his eyes, and I gently brush my fingers along his hair, seeing him as something more than the Pakhan…more than the dangerous front he puts up.
After a time, his voice gently breaks the silence while his thumb strokes along the very faint swell of my belly.
“The pregnancy has made me think a lot about my upbringing…and it made me realize I’ve never mentioned anything of my past to you,” Roman murmurs, sounding more pensive while his eyes open again, but he doesn’t look focused on anything in particular.
“But I feel I should at least give you something to work with.”
I’m briefly surprised, but I hum and lightly brush against his ear. “I wouldn’t mind hearing it.”
With a breath, he nods against my thigh, then finds his words.
“My parents were poor while we lived in Russia, and despite trying to make things work, my mother eventually died, and her passing pushed my father into the business. He became connected with local families, then with time, he saw more opportunities in America and moved us here,” he explains, taking his time.
“Here, he found more success than any of us could’ve anticipated.
While he built our family’s empire, I took care of my siblings until I was old enough to join him…
then the day arrived when he too passed, and I took his place as Pakhan. ”
I take in every word, finding myself more interested than I anticipated.
“It sounds like success came easily to your family.”
A quiet, vaguely bitter sound escapes him. “It might sound that way, but that was far from the truth in the beginning. There were many hurdles, and along the way, we’ve both built and burned many bridges…but that’s how the game is played.”
Without needing to divulge more on the topic, I have every reason to believe that claim. I can only imagine what he has seen.
“Taking care of my siblings after our mother passed wasn’t easy, but I did whatever I could to keep us together…even when social workers were trying to dig into what was happening with us.”
Understanding that fear, my heart lurches at the memories of my own.
“I had my fair share of experiences with social workers; you were right to want to keep them away, at least for the sake of staying together,” I say gently, glancing down at him to meet his gaze. “I guess we share some overlap there.”
Roman’s expression softens at the connection, and he carefully reaches for my hand. “I suppose we do…it feels familiar in a way…”
Nodding to myself, my mind wanders as that thought takes me with it.
I think about my upbringing, then the baby, and how their life will hopefully be different.
With Roman’s head in my lap and a quiet tenderness exchanged between us, I feel even more at odds with myself.
Before, I wanted nothing to do with him or this marriage I was forced into. But now…after seeing more of him and the vulnerability he rarely exposes to anyone, along with knowing we have a baby on the way, it all kicks up that confusion within me.
I feel caught between two versions of myself, but I know I can’t stay that way forever.
Not while I have a baby to take care of… a new life to nurture and protect, even if I hardly felt either of those things growing up.
I can either become a complacent zombie going along with everything Roman has planned for us, or I can accept things for what they are and try to make the most of it. I can cling to my old life as Victoria Evans, or I can be Victoria Lukov.
Either way, a baby is bound to be caught in the middle of it all.