Chapter 24 - Victoria
The house is so quiet that it nearly makes me squirm. Roman’s words echo in my mind and feel more like a knife to the chest than anything else.
It can’t be right. He has to be wrong.
My lungs feel heavier than ever as I stand there, struggling to find the words. My head is too much of a mess to put anything together. It’s all too much to handle…this apparent truth, this confusing state our relationship is in, and the fact that I’m pregnant with his child…
I feel like I’m seconds away from exploding.
I can hardly swallow it all, yet there he is, insisting this is the absolute truth.
That I am a Nikolaev, the sister of his rival and enemy.
“I don’t remember him,” I manage to murmur, well aware that I can’t just remain silent. “…I don’t remember any of it.”
“You won’t…and maybe that’s for the best,” Roman offers, even if it doesn’t help all that much. “He isn’t the brother he could’ve been to you. He’s not that innocent boy anymore.”
Even if I don’t know him, and despite the obvious danger he poses, something in me still clenches at that mental image.
Of the two of us only being young children and separated from one another.
It doesn’t feel like my memory, but it’s still sad.
Swallowing hard, I look at Roman again, and my chest aches.
“What does he want with me?”
His expression hardens, and his words have an absolute edge to them, like there’s no room for debate.
“Before, I assumed he changed your identity and hid you away from the public eye…I thought his recent retaliations were a warning to me that he was prepared to do anything to get you back. But after learning about your past, I don’t know what his motives are—what his plans could be.
At the very least, I’m certain he’ll try to use you to get to me, one way or another. ”
My stomach drops at those words, as that dread and worry only seem to get bigger inside me.
As much as I wanted Roman to tell me the truth, I wasn’t expecting such a bombshell to be dropped on me. I didn’t think the truth went any further than one of his enemies going berserk.
And now, I don’t know what to think or feel.
My sense of identity had always been a bit shaky, given how I bounced around to so many places as a kid, but it has never felt like this.
Knowing I have a brother out there…and one who has been actively working against Roman for years…
And now, he likely plans to target me, too.
Another rush of fear hits me as I place a hand against my stomach. “The baby…does he know?”
When I meet Roman’s gaze, there’s no mistaking the heaviness there as it tries to pull him down.
“No…I don’t think he knows about the baby. Not yet, anyway.”
That should give me some comfort to lean on, but in all honesty, I still don’t feel any better knowing our child will be caught in the middle regardless.
I pause for a long moment, unable to find anything to say despite my racing thoughts. It’s all so much to try and understand at once…so much that doesn’t make sense to me.
It’s like trying to peer into a black hole that sucked in my early childhood, leaving me to question the truth of it all.
When I still don’t speak, Roman’s eyes search mine. “Victoria…say something.”
Say something …he thinks I can muster up anything right now?
Part of me wants to laugh; the other wants to scream.
“What do you want me to say, Roman?” I ask incredulously, struggling to even maintain a semblance of calm. “We both could’ve died tonight, and now you’ve just told me the man responsible is my estranged brother. On top of this, I’m carrying your baby. How do you expect me to feel about it all?”
Roman’s jaw tightens, but he keeps his cool regardless. “I know none of this is easy on you, but you’re not alone in this, Victoria.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“You’re scared, I know that,” he murmurs, taking a few steps closer to cut down on the space between us. He goes to reach for me, but I pull back.
“Of you , Roman,” I mumble, eyes flashing with the most complicated emotions I’ve ever felt. “I’m terrified of everything that’s happening…of everything you’re putting me through.”
A rare glimpse of pain moves through his eyes. “I may have stirred up the truth, but one way or another, you were always a part of this…”
Irritated that he can’t even take responsibility for it, I bristle.
“If you had just left me alone, nobody would know the truth of my identity…Maxim likely never would’ve dug into it if it weren’t for you.
But that doesn’t matter, does it? Not when you took me with the express intention of getting to him. ”
That gleam of vulnerability deepens for a moment, then vanishes immediately. “You still think this is about me using you for leverage?”
“Is it not? You were very clear from the moment you captured me that it was all to bring Maxim to his knees.”
Roman doesn’t say anything for a moment, and I scoff.
“You knew who I was before I did…despite the confusion about my identity, you kept me. You held onto me for whatever reason, probably hoping it would turn out to be true so you could use me to get to him,” I say, feeling increasingly resentful as I go on.
“But now it doesn’t even matter…now I’m a pawn for two people, and you expect me to be okay with that. ”
“That was my motive before, yes…but it’s more than that now,” he says, eyes giving away a slight hint of desperation. “Regardless of what name you were given at birth, this is real to me. Everything I do now is to keep you safe.”
“Safe?” I repeat, voice filled with doubt. “Nothing about this is safe. I had a normal life before—a job, friends, real safety…I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.”
He almost recoils, as if he had touched a hot surface and had no choice but to bear it. Then, he takes another slow, cautious step. “I know…I’m aware of the hazards that come with my work and my position. But I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Shaking my head, I can’t find it in me to believe him so easily. “Even you know that’s a promise you can’t make…you just can’t. Not in your world. I can’t spend every day wondering if your car will explode the next time I get into it.”
Roman’s face hardens at that, and I can tell I’ve at least bruised his ego. It’s obvious he doesn’t like being told what is and isn’t within his realm of capability.
It’s not my intention to hurt him, but I need to protect myself. To survive.
After a brief moment of stifling silence between us, I continue past him. “I need air…”
I can tell he wants to reach for me, but he doesn’t. “Victoria—”
“No,” I mutter, continuing out of the living room without looking behind me.
Despite the spacious hallway, it feels more narrow than ever before as I move through it, eventually reaching the back door leading to the backyard.
Pushing my way outside, the night air is near freezing, but I welcome the way it pulls the heat out of my skin.
Sucking in a deep breath, I close my eyes and try to keep myself as calm as possible, but my thoughts are a mess, and my heart feels like it’s about to jump out of my chest.
I’ve been trying recently to sort through my thoughts and make sense of how I feel about everything.
But after these last few months, I find myself mourning what I once had…the safe, comfortable life I made before Roman tore it all into tiny pieces.
Time passes while I stand there at the edge of the pool, watching as the water ripples beneath the moonlight, but I don’t know for how long.
Eventually, I catch the sound of his footsteps behind me. His voice is closer than I anticipate.
“You regret this, don’t you?”
The words feel like an icy hand gripping the back of my neck.
“I don’t know what I regret anymore,” I murmur, watching the palm trees gently sway through the breeze. “But I miss waking up without fear festering in my chest. I miss not questioning everything, or wondering what else might go wrong.”
Roman doesn’t say anything for a long while, then his words reach me in a quiet, careful voice.
“We can figure this out, Victoria…I know we can.”
“You keep saying that, but how am I supposed to believe it? How are we going to raise a child in a world where our enemies are waiting to gun us down? And what happens when Maxim finds out about the baby?”
Roman steps forward, hands sliding to my waist while he holds me from behind. “Then Maxim dies.”
His answer is cold and simple. And while it’s certainly a solution, it’s also a problem.
Swallowing hard, I don’t pull away, but my heart aches with indecision. “That’s not a life, Roman…that’s a never-ending war, and I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Despite the way his hands tense faintly at my words, he lets go of a breath and wraps an arm around my stomach while he leans down, pressing his cheek against my head.
“War is what I’m good at…But I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want us to be at war—not with each other,” I murmur, feeling a burning in my heart at the confusion surrounding everything. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“So long as you are my wife and the mother of my child, I will handle everything…I will fix this.”
I want to believe him more than anything, but it feels so out of reach.
This life doesn’t feel sustainable, and I don’t know if either of us is cut out for the balance required.
As comforting as his touch feels, letting me know that he means it, that guilt seeps into my chest anyway.
Along the way, Roman sparked feelings for him in me…he somehow got to me and made me see the possibility of being something genuine.
But with everything compounding…all the violence, the secrets, and the unknowns, I have no idea what to do.
I only know that the urge to run from it all is getting stronger and stronger.