Chapter 17 - Sergey
I don’t care how it makes me look at this point, but I’m losing my mind.
It’s been over a week. A full, torturous week of sleeping next to Kat every night without touching her. Without getting to feel the surprisingly comforting warmth of hers.
Regardless of the passion we shared before, she’s been cold and distant ever since. Not exactly cruel, but detached enough to make me feel like I have no choice but to float through each day, wondering if and when something might give.
Beyond that, I’m like an addict watching the fix he can’t have walk around in the softest-looking pajamas known to man with bare, untouchable legs.
As much as I want to believe the cravings I’m feeling are only carnal and coming from a place of lust, I know it’s more than that.
I don’t just miss how she felt, but I’m missing her determination and the intensity I had seen in her before.
Now, it’s mostly silence, but other times, it’s subtle teasing. The faintest signs that she’s well aware of what she’s doing to me. She knows it’s killing me.
Sometimes, she speaks with a softness that makes me wish I could pull her against me, or she gives me those looks when she assumes I’m not watching. She’ll brush past me with the lightest touch, pretending like it was perfectly accidental.
And as strong as I try to be, I fall for it every time. Honestly, it’s becoming pathetic, but I can’t help it.
She won’t let me touch her since that night, and I’m starting to lose it.
The frustration clings to me as I drive to one of our warehouses, hearing and feeling the steady engine beneath me, but it does nothing to calm the noise in my head and the longing in my chest that was once so foreign to me.
I’m supposed to keep my head down. I’m married, and according to Roman, I fucked some things up by putting myself in that situation. The heat from that decision of mine should be dying down by now, but as far as I can tell, everything is on fire.
I haven’t been checking in with everything as often as I should be, favoring trying to figure things out with Kat over committing myself to the job like I should. To extinguish the flames of what I caused.
It would be the right thing to do, and I know that, but she has been occupying my mind so completely.
Walking through the front, I catch a few curious glances in my direction, surely realizing I haven’t been around in a bit, but they quickly correct themselves and continue with their tasks.
It doesn’t take long before I find Nikolai standing nearby with a folder in his hand, skimming over the contents until he notices me. He gives me a grim look.
“What is it?” I ask, already feeling impatient.
He lifts a brow at me. “You haven’t heard yet?”
“I just got here. Spit it out, Nik.”
Sighing, he nods towards the catwalk above our heads where Roman paces, boots clinking against iron. That’s not a good sign.
“There was another hit.”
“On who?” I ask, brows furrowing, well aware that this isn’t about to be the start of an easy day.
“A handful of associates. They were shot outside a club just down the strip. It’s spreading quickly, and a few of our big investors are trying to back out. Even some long-standing ones,” Nik explains, not hiding how unideal a situation this has become.
“Fuck sakes…” I mutter under my breath, scrubbing a hand over my face.
This is far from good, that’s obvious enough.
Roman’s voice cuts through the space, drawing our attention to him. “Sergey. Get your ass up here now.”
I freeze instinctively, then I pull in a breath and exchange a glance with Nik before heading up.
The moment I’m within reaching distance, Roman grabs my shoulder and pulls me into his office. He wastes no time getting in my face with his eyes narrowed.
“This is exactly what I said would happen,” he begins, tone sharp and unyielding. “You thought throwing a ring at Katya would make Yuri roll over? You really believed that was the route to take?”
I brace myself, gritting my teeth. “It was a calculated risk.”
“Calculated?” He nearly barks out with a scoff.
“Sergey, you kidnapped your target and married her when all you had to do was monitor her movements and know without a shadow of a doubt if she was working with her brother. What you did isn’t a strategy.
It was ridiculous, and frankly, it’s hurting us more than it ever should have. ”
My blood boils, even if I understand his anger and concern. “It’s no different from what you did, or Mikhail, for that matter.”
Roman’s expression hardens at that, and he forces out a breath, letting go of my shirt with a subtle shove to back me up. “That was different.”
“How? It’s quite literally the same on paper.”
“The difference is, I’m your pakhan. Your superior,” he says, eyes flaring with that usual dominance of his.
“I gave you an order, and you pissed on it in response. You bitched about the assignment the moment I gave it to you, acting like you were capable of more. And this is what you do? You go rogue and completely blindside the rest of us?”
Clenching my fists, I try to rein that anger in. To keep from losing it on him.
“Yuri was supposed to see it as a power play and realize we’re capable of taking everything he has,” I mutter. “Kat is his blood. If he retaliates, then he risks losing her for good.”
Roman steps closer, invading more of my space. “That’s what you assumed? And what if Yuri already wrote her off? Maybe he doesn’t give a shit about what happens to her, and we’ve just given him an excuse to escalate things further.”
My stomach clenches at the thought, hating how he has a point.
He’s right…I know he is. But I can’t admit it. Not after I’ve already gone all in.
“So what do you want me to do now? Hand her back and pretend like none of this happened?” I ask, unable to stop my voice from rising slightly. “Do you want me to crawl to Yuri and beg for a truce? Is that the only way I can fix this?”
“No,” Roman says sharply, dispelling that idea altogether.
“We deal with it. But you'd better pull yourself together and start acting like a leader instead of a goddamn liability. You’ve been erratic, Sergey. Unpredictable. I don’t care what you think you do and don’t deserve right now.
Get your head out of your ass and start considering how your actions affect this family and everything we’ve built. ”
I stare at him for a long while, feeling the urge to hit something mounting higher and higher. “Or what, you’ll keep scolding me?”
“I’ll give you exactly what you’re capable of handling.
Something you can’t fumble,” he returns, not missing a beat.
“If you want to be a degenerate so badly, then fine. I’ll let you fuck off somewhere and drink and indulge as much as you want.
I’ll let you spend every waking moment obsessing over that woman while you convince yourself into thinking you deserve the world.
But I’ll be damned if I let everyone else backslide with you. Is that what you want?”
I clench my jaw to the point of making my teeth ache, and I want to lose my mind right here and now.
But that’s exactly what he expects me to do. Roman sees me as a loose cannon, and if I play right into his hands, then he’ll know he’s right. I can’t have that—not when my place here already feels shaky as is.
Instead, I pull in a slow, measured breath. “No, it isn’t.”
“Good. Then get your shit together.”
Silently telling myself to keep a grip on whatever restraint I have left, I nod once. “I’ll handle it.”
Roman doesn’t look completely satisfied, but he doesn’t stop me from turning and leaving the office.
After the fact, I take the time to cool off before I find Nikolai and Ivan, going over the recent escalations and everything we’ve done to counter all Balakin movement.
They fill me in, and I do my best to keep a level head while we go through the motions to sort out everything that has spiraled out of control.
Finally opening my eyes to what else has been going on behind the scenes while I was so wrapped up in watching Kat and pulling her into my life, I see now just how bad things have become. How that one decision snowballed into something far bigger than I imagined it would.
I thought I was doing the right thing for my family by marrying Kat without thinking twice. I assumed that since my brothers had done the same, it would serve us just as well.
But now I know it was reckless. As much as I don’t want to admit it, Roman was right.
That’s not something I’m used to saying, but it feels like I need to start now.
Still, the revelation isn’t an easy one to deal with, especially not after Roman’s threats.
In the car, I grip the wheel tight enough to make my knuckles crack.
Regardless of thinking I had it handled, the walls are closing in around me, and Yuri hasn’t slowed down. Roman is breathing down my neck and watching me like a hawk, prepared to step in and pull what minimal responsibility I have away from me.
From the start, I just wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted Roman to have absolute faith in me and my abilities. But I just keep proving him right time and time again.
To make matters worse, Katya is in my bed every night, wrapped in warmth and softness I can’t have, just out of reach.
It’s all coming down on me at once, and I’m unraveling. I know I am.
By the time I get home, I've reached a decision that’s both hard and necessary. I can’t keep doing this.
I need control over myself, my role in the business, and I need to get my wife on my side. I need her to stop icing me out and to trust me, regardless of how difficult that may be.
When I come in, she’s sitting on the couch while flipping through a book like she hasn’t noticed me yet. Then, she looks up slowly with an unreadable expression.
“Call him again.”
Kat’s brows furrow. “What are you talking about now?”
“Call Roland and reassure him again,” I say, pulling her phone out before tossing it onto the couch cushion beside her. “Tell him you’re fine. I don’t care how many times it takes, just call him.”
She looks at me skeptically, as expected, glancing between me and the phone. “And you’re suddenly alright with this?”
“I am,” I tell her, letting some of that frustration come out sounding a touch desperate instead. “If you want space, then fine. If you want to keep pushing me away, then go for it. I won’t stop you. But at least let the guy know you’re still alive. He’s been blowing your phone up for days.”
That caution remains in her expression. She thinks I’m hiding something. “And you’re not going to send him any cryptic messages after the fact, or use my face to unlock it again?”
“No,” I return, feeling as though those reminders hit me in the gut.
I had really let my fascination with her steer my actions and throw me completely off course. My need for her has been all-consuming, but now, I need to do better.
A moment of silence lingers between us before she finally gives in and nods, accepting my words.
She grabs the phone and gets up, heading closer to the kitchen when she taps on the screen like she’s been reunited with the thing at long last and starts calling Roland. She doesn’t put it on speaker, of course, but I can still hear his voice on the other end from across the space.
He sounds just as concerned as before, if not more, knowing she’s with me.
Worst of all, he says her name with such utter relief that it grates at my resolve, but I don’t let it push me over. Not when I’ve reached such a critical point with Kat, and I can’t risk her hating me any more than she already does.
I haven’t given her many reasons to trust me, but that’s something I want and need to change. She needs to see that I’m capable of it.
Kat talks calmly to Roland, and I notice the way she chooses her words carefully so as not to reveal too much. Just enough to placate him.
All the while, I want to burst into flame with jealousy.
I need to be better, and I know I can be. And the first step is at home with Kat.
When the call finishes, she drops the phone onto the cushion in front of me again with a sigh, already prepared for me to take it away again. She looks vaguely annoyed by the idea, but seems to accept it anyway.
I’m fully prepared to tell her she could keep it on hand again, but seeing that slight submission does something to me instead.
Without any hurry to my movements, I reach for the cell phone and absently move it in my grasp, finding myself more lost in thought than usual.
Then, I meet her gaze, allowing some vulnerability to enter my words. “Do you still think it was a mistake?”
As much as I want her to, Kat doesn’t answer.
Instead, she leaves the room, heading upstairs to likely get some alone time in the spare before she’s forced to spend the night with me.
The silence left in her wake cuts deeper than anything else.
Kat is right here with me under this roof, and I’m starved for her. Yet, she feels so far away.
I can’t touch her. I can’t show her just how deep I’m in this for her, regardless of how badly I want to.
With every passing hour, I feel like I’m about to collapse. That if I don’t find a way to mend things with Kat, I’ll only continue to lose more. I’ll lose her.
And that’s one thing I don’t think I can come back from.