Chapter 8
Ben had come back to New York as quickly as he’d said he would, as soon as he finished the meetings he had set up from the boat, and met with the local boat builder for some repairs before heading back to the Mediterranean in spring.
He was diligent about maintaining the boat in perfect condition.
The M.Y. (Motor Yacht) Karma was his pride and joy.
She had been a showpiece famous in yachting circles the world over ever since he had her built in a famous Dutch shipyard.
When he got back to New York, Charlotte had finished the article.
She said it wasn’t considered complete until Henry had approved it and the fact-checking had been done.
She refused to see Ben, and was adamant about it, in a voice that alternated between anxious and cold.
Ben hadn’t expected that and was surprised and upset.
He had been dreaming of seeing her since she left.
He felt like an abandoned, disappointed child when she wouldn’t.
“I can’t,” she said simply.
“Why? I don’t understand. Everything was fine when you left St. Barth. What happened when you got back?”
“It didn’t happen when I got back. It happened when we were together. When I slept with you, I corrupted the piece. No one will ever believe I was objective when I wrote it, after I slept with you.”
“They’ll never know. Who’s going to tell them that? No one knows, and you’re a master professional. I’m sure you wrote it objectively even then. It was very clean and honest when I read it.”
She hesitated for a moment and told him the truth. “I told my editor I’d slept with you when I handed it in. I couldn’t not do that. I offered to take my name off it, or to have him reassign it, and he didn’t want to do either one.”
“Neither do I. It’s a fantastic piece, Charlotte.”
“Thank you,” she said, sounding sad. “I just know it wasn’t right, so I told him, in case it ever comes out later.”
“Did he threaten to fire you?” he asked, concerned for her.
“No, he was great about it. He said it probably happens all the time and no one ever knows. I really tried hard not to let it color what I wrote about you.” But she knew it had anyway, because she loved him.
She still felt guilty about it. She had lost her mind for a minute.
And regained it when she got back to New York.
“I’m proud of that piece and you should be too,” he said warmly.
“I am,” she said with a sigh. “I’m just not proud of myself. I fell short of my own standards.”
“We did it and it’s done. We didn’t hurt anyone.
Neither of us is married, or even attached to someone.
We’re both free people. Something wonderful happened, for both of us.
We can’t just ignore that, and what you wrote is magnificent.
No one has ever said things like that about me.
I cried when I read it. Now can’t we just go on with our lives?
A miracle happened to us. You can’t deny it. ”
“I know, but I remember what you said, that you never get attached, that your relationships have a shelf life of less than two years. And when it’s over, you pay up and walk away.
I can’t do that. I got in a terrible mess once with a married man, six years of lies, pain, and disappointment.
He wasn’t just cheating on his wife, he cheated on me too.
It took me five years to get over it when I finally had the guts to end it.
I can’t do that again,” she said honestly.
He could hear the sorrow in her voice. She was grieving him.
“You won’t have to, I’m not a cheater, not when I’m in a committed relationship.
I don’t lie. I didn’t cheat on the women I married.
I got tired of them, so I left them before I cheated.
I didn’t love them anymore, and probably never did.
And they didn’t really love me either. They were using me and I let them.
That has nothing to do with you. You are the opposite of a user.
You’re a real person and I love you.” He was distraught at her refusal to see him.
“You’re the first truly honest and honorable person in my life. ”
“What if you get bored with me and get claustrophobic and want out? I can’t put my heart on the line again.” Once she got home, the bad memories of the past had come rushing back to her, in spite of Henry’s encouragement to try again. The pain of the past was still vivid.
“Our hearts are already on the line, or at least mine is, and I thought yours was too. It was when you left St. Barth,” he reminded her. “I couldn’t wait to get back to you.”
“My heart is still on the line,” she admitted. “That’s why I can’t see you. If I didn’t care, I would.”
“We both care,” he reminded her. “I love you.”
“You don’t even know me. We don’t know each other.
You might get tired of me even faster than the others.
I lead a small life, Ben. And look at yours.
You’re a genius and one of the most successful men on the planet.
I can’t keep up with that and your lifestyle, and I would never let you pay for everything, that wouldn’t be right. ”
“Good. I just got a hundred-and-twelve-thousand-dollar repair bill for Karma, before she goes back to the Med. You owe me fifty-six thousand dollars,” he said and she laughed.
“You know what I mean.” She felt beaten before she started.
Her fears had taken over when she got back to New York.
He could hear it now, and he was sad for them both.
He didn’t want them to lose what they had.
It was a miracle that they had found each other.
She was the best person he had ever known, and he wanted to live up to the standard she had set and be worthy of her.
“Not everything is divided equally in life. One person loves more than the other, one person can afford more than the other. They make up for it in other ways,” he said reasonably, and what he said made sense.
“I don’t want to be one of your gold diggers, or have people think I am, or worse, have you think I am.”
“How much can it cost? We both love meat loaf and fried chicken. We can promise to eat only in diners for the rest of our lives and go dutch treat. I’d like it a lot better than the dinner parties I go to.
Charlotte, be fair to both of us. Just see me and we’ll talk.
” But she knew that if she saw him, they’d be in bed in five minutes and she’d feel guilty later.
He blinded her with the force of their feelings.
When they were together, there were irresistible forces holding them tight that neither of them could resist. They had already demonstrated that in St. Barth.
“At our ages, I’m not going to be any different than the girls who came before me.
You’ll be tired of me in a year, best case two, maybe months.
And you’ll be off to the latest model, a new and improved fully loaded gold digger, and I’ll have a broken heart.
I’d rather put a stop to it now.” Her panic was speaking, not reason.
“Well, I wouldn’t rather put a stop to it.
I can’t tell you what’s going to happen, that I’ll be different and better, with no scars of my own.
Maybe you’ll get tired of me. I’m not such a hot ticket either.
I have bad habits. I eat cookies in bed.
I get bored at dinner parties and leave.
I snore. I love my boat. My table manners are terrible, but I’m working on that.
I read the end of a novel first to make sure I want to read it.
I love happy endings and hate sad ones. I fall asleep in movies.
I have a hot temper, I fire people if I think they’re disloyal to me.
I’m vain. I love the fact that I’ve made a shitload of money.
I’m loud and obnoxious when I get drunk, which I don’t do often, but when I do, I make up for it. ”
“Now you tell me. You didn’t mention any of that in the interview,” she chided him with a wry smile. She loved how honest he was about his flaws.
“I wanted you to like me,” he said in his boyish tone.
“I think you’re the first woman I ever loved, maybe even the first woman who ever really loved me, or could, and not for the money I’ve made or the lifestyle I can give you, and if you think I am going to just let you walk away, you’re even crazier than I think.
I’m not willing to waste this or let you go until I really believe that we don’t have a chance of turning this into something wonderful for both of us.
I won’t let you do that to yourself or to me.
Don’t rob us of that, Charlotte. I need you.
And maybe if I’m lucky, you’ll need me.”
“I already do,” she said sadly. “That’s the problem. I don’t want to need anyone. It hurts too much when you lose them, and I always do.”
“Well, you’re not doing such a good job of losing me.
I’ve been home for two weeks, begging to see you, and I’m not going anywhere.
I saw a star in the sky when I met you. It’s our star and my dream.
I used to look up at the stars when I was a kid sleeping on the streets.
And I always told myself that one of those stars up there was for me.
I believed that and I still do. You’re my star, Charlotte, and I can’t let you go.
I won’t.” He was as determined as she was, with opposite goals.
“Why?”