CHAPTER FIVE #3
“Controlled him? I don’t know, Nita. He was an adult going to college that next month.
Surely, he could have reached out once he was living on campus.
It just . . . it just never made sense to me.
” I push the swing. “And then I got to the point where I realized that even if we did reconnect, it wouldn’t matter.
It’s not like his father would suddenly approve of me or think I was good enough for Ledger.
I didn’t want to open myself up to that kind of humiliation all over again. ”
“So, you let it go?”
“I did. I had to. Besides, a guy like Ledger was a catch. It was easier to think he’d already moved on to some girl with a prestigious last name and a fat bank account.”
“What if you thought wrong?” she asks softly.
“I can’t live my life in what-ifs.”
“I can understand that.”
“You know what stung the most though?” What told me what we had wasn’t real . . .
“He never contacted you.”
“Exactly.” I give a definitive nod. “He knew where I lived and could have written me. He knew my phone number because it didn’t change. If you truly love something, you fight for it.”
“And he didn’t fight for you,” she murmurs.
And yes, it’s ridiculous to expect that from a teenage boy about to start his life out from beneath his father’s wings, and yet what we had was special. Unique. Ours.
“Pop would have fought for Gran.” My smile is bittersweet thinking of their love. “That’s the only real relationship I’ve known to compare it against.”
Nita leans her head back, closes her eyes, and pushes the swing with her foot. “That was fifteen years ago. You’ve changed for the better in that time. I’m sure he has too. Maybe tonight was Fate’s way of stepping in to try and fix past wrongs.”
“That’s absurd.”
“I don’t think so.” She places her hand on mine. “If you think it was his dad’s doing, then maybe there’s more to the story. Maybe there’s a reason he didn’t reach out. Maybe this is your second chance.”
“That’s a lot of maybes.”
“Maybe it is,” she jokes.
I smile and remember the way Ledger looked at me tonight before I left. As if there was a story in his eyes he was ready to tell. A story I’m not certain it matters that I hear.
“When he stopped me at the end of the bar, it was to ask me if we could meet to catch up sometime.”
“And?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to. All you need to know is that seeing him tonight got to you enough that you went on a long drive home. You only do that when something affects you. He affected you.”
“Perhaps.”
“Past aside, when I walked into Hank’s and saw you, the look on your face . . . it’s not one I see on you very often. You looked . . . I don’t know. I can’t put it into words, but now, I’m not exactly sure I like that he’s the one who put it there.”
Another owl hoots followed by the distinct flap of its wings. We both watch as one swoops out of the trees and down to the ground to grab something near the rows of lavender.
“Do you have any idea how his dad’s words affected me?
How many ridiculous scenarios I have played out in my head in the months, maybe even a year or two after he left?
I used to imagine becoming some famous artist and that Maxton would be at one of my art shows, completely enamored with my work.
He’d try to buy a piece of my collection, and I’d refuse his money.
I’d tell him it wasn’t for sale for men like him.
That he wasn’t good enough to buy them. And then I’d remind him of who I was, where I was from, and tell him how very wrong he was.
” I shake my head softly, staring into the night and remembering how I’d play the scene over and over in my head.
“Guess that won’t exactly be happening now, will it? ”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I snort. “Look at this place, Nita. I’m holding on by the skin of my teeth right now.
Between Gran’s medical debts that nearly crippled our savings, to the fire a few years back that wiped out basically everything but the house, I wouldn’t exactly call Asher Wells a raging success.
Not to mention how Pop took his expertise in running this place with him. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I don’t want to hear your bullshit. You’re still fighting, still holding on. So many people in this world aspire to own their own business. Look at you. You do own one.”
I appreciate her pep talk but see it just like that.
A way to make me feel better. And although I know there is the Ledger scale and the Asher scale in terms of both esteem and liquid assets, I think the real issue is that seeing Ledger reminds me of a time when Gran and Pop were my whole world.
Still in my world. When I had them to turn to—to wipe my tears away, pull me in for a quick hug, and promise me everything was going to be all right.
“I’m being ridiculous. Sorry. I just miss Pop so much and Gran’s presence around me every day,” I whisper on a sob.
“Oh honey, I know.”
I scrunch my nose and groan. “Just ignore me. Better yet, ignore everything I said tonight. I sound like a Negative Nancy.” I emit a self-deprecating laugh.
“I’m just struggling is all. It’s like I lost a part of myself when I lost Pop, and seeing Ledger unexpectedly tonight when I’m already emotionally vulnerable, kind of knocked me off my stride.
I became this wishy-washy woman who didn’t know if she should hate him or make peace with him, when I’m not a wishy-washy person at all. ”
“It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be confused. Hell, it’s perfectly okay to be wishy-washy every once in a while.” She puts her hand on mine and squeezes. “You’ve been to hell and back these past few months, and wishy-washy is a lot better than I’d be in your shoes.”
“Thank you. Truly.” What would I do without her friendship?
“Any time. What did Gran always tell you?” What didn’t Gran tell me?
She was always offering me tidbits of her wisdom.
“Life will always throw you hard times, Asher Julia Wells, and having a pity party won’t solve anything,” she says, mimicking Gran’s tone as she nudges my shoulder.
“But I think tonight, in Pop’s memory, Gran’s absence, the unexpected appearance of an ex, and being wishy-washy, we throw one.
But we’ll definitely need a lot more wine if that’s on the agenda for the night. ”
“Good thing my kitchen is stocked.”