CHAPTER TWELVE
Asher
I no longer study the face of every man in Cedar Falls.
It took me a long time to get to that point, where I stopped comparing my nose with theirs, the shape or color of my eyes, or the curve of my mouth.
And I’ve learned to live with the silence and cold shoulders from the older women in town.
The ones who wonder if I’m the bastard child their husband had when he cheated on them or had a torrid affair with the town floozy before they were married.
The ones who fear my mom will someday come back, fill in the “father” portion of my birth certificate, and ruin their happily ever after.
Then there’s the notion of siblings. Do I have a half-sister or half-brother? Do I have more than one? Am I friends with them? Do I dislike them?
I learned to stop obsessing over it a long time ago.
And yes, the odd stares and quiet murmurs have dissipated over the years, only to be stirred up when someone new moves into town and the Cedar Falls Stepford Wives step in to fill them in on everyone’s business.
But it doesn’t make living life in this small town any easier.
Reputations stick to last names even if you were simply born into it without a choice.
The upside to it all? It’s freeing in a sense. People already have their opinions about me, so why not live my life and enjoy myself while I’m at it?
If I flirt openly with a man, then looks are exchanged suggesting I’m just like my mom. If I hide from the world and keep to The Fields, then it appears I’m ashamed of who I am.
I’m neither.
I’m simply me. The me that Gran and Pop loved and cherished and tried to be parents, grandparents, and friends to so I wouldn’t do without.
And fuck the assholes of this town for judging and ostracizing me for something I had no control over. It’s been thirty-two years, people, so get over it.
Just like Judy Jensen needs to right now from her seat on the other side of the bar in Connor’s Tavern. It’s not my fault her boyfriend pursued me last year. I told him no, time and time again. But the trouble he caused gave me the stigma that I’m a homewrecker against all rational logic.
Like mother, like daughter in their eyes.
The music is low and the chatter is loud, so I just smile and wave cattily to Judy to let her know I see her shooting daggers my way.
“She’s such a bitch,” Nita says as she slides onto the barstool across from me.
“She is. Her problem, not mine.”
“You want to know what else is a problem?” Nita asks, but the mischief in her eyes tells me something is going on.
“What?”
“You sitting here, checking the door every few seconds to see if a certain someone is going to walk through it.”
“You’re so full of shit.”
“You didn’t deny it,” she says with a knowing smile.
She’s right. I didn’t, because I have been checking the door every time it opens, both wanting and not wanting Ledger to walk through it.
Our almost-kiss from the other day is etched in my mind, replaying on a loop.
“It’s not a crime to want to see him.”
“Clearly,” I say.
“And it’s okay to wonder if the chemistry is still there, which . . . for the record, it is.”
“Thank you for the observation.” I take another sip of my wine and stare at Judy until she looks away again. “I have chemistry with a lot of people. Besides, isn’t it normal to still have it with someone you’ve been attracted to in the past?”
“Not so sure on that one. Nice try, though. In my personal experience, I’d rather stab my exes with a fork in their eyes when I’m done with them, not stand in a game closet and lie when you tell him you don’t want to be kissed.”
“It was not a lie.”
“Whatever you say,” she says, clearly not believing me.
And she shouldn’t. Because no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t want him, I’m still pulled right back into that connection with Ledger we had years ago when I see him.
“Look, it’s completely okay to forgive him for whatever his father did that night. We don’t blame kids for their parents’ actions, right?” She lifts her eyebrows, unknowingly tapping into the thoughts I was just having.
All I can do is shake my head. “Touché.”
“And if you believe the flip side of the coin and that Ledger did, in fact, cheat on you, play you, what have you, you can always chalk it up to the past and forgive him.” She smiles wide and waves to someone over my shoulder before turning her attention back on me.
“You guys were young. Na?ve. I don’t know.
People change with experience. They mature and become more considerate. ”
“Are you sure we live in the same town because a lot of these people here haven’t gotten any better—in any respect—with age.”
“True.” She laughs and holds her hands up in acknowledgment. “I stand corrected.”
“At least you admit it,” I say.
“I do, so long as you understand that it’s completely okay to want to take Ledger up on his offer to catch up. To talk. The two of you can be Cedar Falls outcasts together.”
“Funny.”
“I try to be.” She flashes me a dazzling smile.
“Why are we having this conversation again?” I groan. “Haven’t we talked about this ad nauseum?”
“Then stop mind-fucking it and fuck him instead.”
I choke on my sip of wine. “Way to be blunt.”
“Is there any other way to be?” She dazzles me with a smile. “How about I be even more blunt?”
“I have a feeling it doesn’t matter if I say yes or no because you’re going to say it anyway.”
“Glad we’re on the same page.” She gives a definitive nod and then chuckles.
Oh, she’s definitely starting to feel her wine as much as I am.
“So here’s the thing. If you want to continue to hate him as you have every right and are so desperately trying to do .
. . then girl, let’s just admit that there is nothing wrong with a good, angry, hate fuck. ”
“Jesus.” I try not to spit out my wine. I was not expecting her to go there. But then again, it is Nita. She holds nothing back.
“What? Are you telling me that a bout of hate fucking isn’t good for the soul?
The back-scratching, shoulder-nipping, skin-bruising variety of sex?
” She mock shudders in pleasure. “It’s invigorating.
Primal. Incredible. Maybe that’s exactly what you need to get over this hump and .
. . I don’t know. Forgive him. Write him off. Use him as he used you.”
I absolutely hate myself for picturing what she’s saying. For imagining his lips on mine and that deep tenor of his voice groaning my name. For being turned on by it. For wondering what Ledger’s like in bed. Because with age comes practice and . . . yes, now I’m definitely wondering.
“You’re delusional,” I say despite my body’s visceral reaction.
“Perhaps, but you know I’m right.”
“Well . . .” I say and give her a look saying I can’t argue with her, which prompts us both to burst into laughter.
“There is another option too.”
“What? The option that this conversation is ludicrous and you’re out of your mind?”
“You have deflection down to an art form. It’s really rather admirable.”
I know she means well, but Ledger has already taken up too much free rent in my head since that night at Hank’s.
I’ve run every scenario through my mind.
I’ve rationalized and justified and tried to understand how I can still desire a man who hurt me so deeply.
It has to simply be physical attraction, right?
Because we’re nowhere near the same people we were years ago.
Stop saying the past is the past, Ash, if you keep dredging it up.
My only conclusion has been that it’s probably best to keep him at arm’s length. Self-preservation at its finest.
At least, that’s my current theory.
And at the end of the day, the decision to sleep or not to sleep with someone is mine regardless of how hot Nita’s description of it might be. Sure, Ledger is incredibly attractive. Yes, there is no question about our chemistry. But he lives in New York City, and I still live in Cedar Falls.
That one fact hasn’t changed over time.
Then there’s the fact that if we were to . . . act on this tension vibrating between us, it would merely be a fling. That’s all it could be. Call it self-preservation or learning from past mistakes, but I simply don’t have time for a fling. Not one I already know will hurt me in the end.
Plus, I prefer to not give the Judy Jensens of this town more fodder for their gossip. The rich city guy choosing me and not one of them just might push them over their pretentious edges.
“Yoo-hoo. You still with me?” Nita asks as she passes her hand back and forth in front of my face.
“Yes. Sorry. Just thinking about something I forgot to do today,” I lie.
“Like Ledger?” She laughs at her own joke while I roll my eyes. “I still think you should call him.”
“Maybe,” I say for the sake of ending this discussion.
“Now’s as good of a time as any.” Nita looks at my cell phone on the table and lifts her eyebrows.
“Tomorrow’s an even better one.”
We both burst out laughing. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“I know I am, Nita,” I say, rising from the table and enveloping her in a hug from behind.
“But is it so wrong that I want to sit here with my best friend, drink till I’m tipsy, and dance with some random man who’ll probably step on my toes more times than not?
Uncomplicated is my goal for tonight. I’ve had a shitty week, and I want to stop dwelling on the fact that the one and only man I’ve ever let break my heart is somewhere in this town tonight.
Maybe I’ll call him. Maybe I won’t. But the one thing I know for sure is I want another glass of wine, and then we’ll go from there. ”
“Whoa, girl. Take a breath.” Nita laughs. “Anything else you need to get off your impressively cleavage-ridden chest tonight?”
“Nope.” I sit back down beside her and emit an audible exhale. “But it felt good to get it all out.”
“To manifest it?”
“Something like that,” I say and take another sip of wine. My buzz is just within reach, and it’s something I welcome wholeheartedly.
“There is one problem with your line of thinking though,” Nita says, giving a nod to Connor as the fresh drinks are delivered to our table.
“What’s that?”
“You know there are no random men in Cedar, right? We know every single one of them.”
“That’s true. Then I’ll rephrase and say dance with a harmless man. Does that work?”
“It does. Harmless is good. I just might look for one to occupy my—ahem—time tonight as well.”
“Oh really? Is that so?”
“Yep.” Her grin widens. “Miller is spending the night at my mom’s tonight, and I do not have to work either job tomorrow. So I’m childless with no one to take care of and have nowhere I need to be by a certain time tomorrow. It’s glorious.”
“And a rarity.” My smile softens as I meet her eyes. Being a single mother isn’t easy, but I’ve never heard her complain once. She loves her son and their life despite doing it all on her own. “You most definitely deserve some of that back-scratching sex more than I do.”
“Amen, sister.” She gives me a high five and then startles. “Uh-oh. I think you’re going to win the race to being horizontal.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There’s a man standing at the end of the bar right now giving you the eye.”
Ledger.
Why is he my first thought? And even worse, why, when I turn to look where Nita is motioning, am I disappointed that the man looking my way isn’t him? Instead, it’s Carson Allen.
Of course, it is.
“Carson’s always giving me the eye.” I roll my eyes at her before looking back at him and waving.
“That man has loved you ever since you backed into his car six years ago,” she murmurs as he starts to make his way through the crowd.
“I think he should take that as a reason why he shouldn’t like me.”
“But he’s funny and harmless. You could do worse.”
“I have done worse.”
Nita belts out a laugh as Carson approaches our table, his smile wide and laughter already on his lips.