CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
Asher
He stares at me, the muscle in his jaw ticking, his eyes imploring.
“I didn’t lie to you.”
“You chose not to tell me. Same difference.”
“It’s not.”
“To me it is. Hasn’t there been enough lies that have come between us, Asher? No more lies. No more deception. No more lying by omission. Please.”
“Ledger. I didn’t mean to—”
“You opted to say you were simply updating the farm rather than tell me you were creating a whole new business for yourself. Why? Why couldn’t you tell me, Asher? What is it about me that made you think you couldn’t confide in me?”
My stomach twists in a knot at the hurt etched in the lines of his handsome face. “I know you won’t understand, but I just . . . I needed to do this for me.”
“Do you think I would have stopped you? That I would have tried to control it? Your transformation of The Fields, your idea to make it a destination, is incredible. There’s no way you could have thought I’d tell you otherwise. So, what is it, Asher? What are you not telling me?”
You’re going to leave me, and I need something to soften the heartbreak.
My hands tremble as I open and close my mouth. I don’t have an answer other than that.
“What are we doing here, Ledger? Fooling ourselves? Pretending that your penance here isn’t up in a few weeks, and you’re not going to go back to your life, and I’m not going to go back to mine?
” His expression falls at my words. “Is it too much to have one thing in my life that you haven’t touched?
One thing that’s completely mine so I’m not reminded of you every time I’m around it or see it or think of it? ”
And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? That’s why this has been so important to me. I know he’s leaving and when he does, everything in this town, in my house, even the goddamn lavender fields, will remind me of him. And now, even my inescapable failure to start a business will be tied to him too.
“So rather than talk about it, talk about us, you’d rather just bury your head in the sand and act like this—like we—didn’t happen?”
“Bury my head in the sand? I think my actions are perfectly justifiable considering your intentions—your plans—are pretty self-explanatory.” I can feel my armor slipping on. Layer upon layer. Shielding me when I fear nothing is going to be able to protect me from the hurt that’s to come.
“What the hell do you mean my plans are self-explanatory?” he demands.
“It’s just a fling that will be over in a few weeks. Then your penance will be done and you’ll get to go back home.” I blink away the tears that those words cause. “I believe those were your words, weren’t they?”
“Asher. No. You don’t understand.” He puts his hands on my knees and squeezes.
I try not to flinch at his touch because everything inside of me is telling me to run, right now.
To pull away while I can, but even I’m not that strong.
He chuckles disbelievingly, but I feel like I’m being mocked, and it rubs me the wrong way.
“So you didn’t say that?” I damn well know he did.
“No. I did. It’s just”—he scrubs a hand through his hair—“my brothers were harassing me over what we, you and I, were. They wouldn’t let it go.
The easiest way to get them off my back was to say something like that.
To play it down so they’d back off . . .
” He searches my eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything to me? Why didn’t you just flat-out ask me?”
“Ask you? Why? So I could look like an idiot when you see how hurt I was because I thought we were more than that? After what happened before . . . do you think I wanted to open myself up more to you to be torn back apart?”
He sighs, and I try to ignore the compassion in his eyes. The understanding. “And so you started to close down instead . . . to make it easier to walk away.”
“This’ll never work,” I whisper the fear that has been creeping into my head for days.
“Why not? Why can’t we make this work?”
“Just ask anyone. It’s clear you’re the more important one here. For it to work, I’d have to be the one to pick up my life and walk away.”
“Why is that such a bad thing? You live in a town that doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve. That holds your mother’s past against you. Today at City Hall was case in point.”
“But that’s not for you to decide,” I shout at him, rising to my feet.
Needing to move, needing to think, and needing to fight.
“And the fact that you assume it is without ever asking me should be enough in and of itself to explain my hesitation. You come first. Your work comes first . . . and frankly, I deserve better than being second to those things.”
“I would never put you second.”
My laugh is anything but humorous. “No? What about you and your ten-year plan, huh? The one you never waver from with its bullet points and set parameters. Unfortunately for me, a relationship with me”—loving me—“isn’t valid because it comes before its scheduled time.”
“Don’t be like this, Ash. The plan . . .
” He shakes his head in frustration. “It’s just that, a plan.
Not set in stone. If anything, you’ve made me realize that life .
. . it can’t be planned for. Hell, both times you’ve come into my life have been completely out of the blue.
Completely unexpected . . . and I . . . fuck.
I’m saying this all wrong.” Regret tinges his voice.
So does hope. So does fear. “All you need to know is I want this, I want you.”
“But on your terms,” I whisper.
“I just can’t up and walk away from my life, Asher.” He follows me as I pace.
“I get it. I know what that’s like because I left my life, my dream, to come back and care for my family.
My gran is here, Ledger. So is The Fields.
It’s my family legacy, much like S.I.N. is yours.
I can’t leave it behind just as I’d never ask you to leave yours behind.
This is how I make my mark. For me. You’re wealthy and revered in business, and no doubt believe you’re more important than I am because you basically own the world but—”
“That’s not true—”
“But that’s what it feels like to me. What you don’t get is that for the first time in so goddamn long, I feel relevant.
Full of possibility and . . .” I lift my head to the sky and close my eyes.
Too much. This is all just too much—emotion, fear, hope.
I’m waiting for it to all come crashing down.
And if not now, then when? “I just need time, Ledger. To think. To—”
“This should be the easiest decision in your life, Ash. Choosing me should be the easiest decision.” His voice breaks, and it nearly kills me.
“But I shouldn’t have to give up my life just to have you in it.”
He hangs his head and sighs. “So just like that, you’re not going to try? Not fight for us?”
“I didn’t say that.” Panic starts to claw at my throat.
“You didn’t have to.”
“Ledger. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know . . . I don’t know how to feel.”
Why do things I want always seem just out of reach? Acceptance, my career, my dreams for The Fields. Ledger.
The only thing I’ve been able to grasp and hold on to is my sense of self. Who I am. And it’s taken me time to do that, to work through the grief from Pop’s death, and find that woman again. I refuse to give her up just to keep him.
I blink back tears and force myself to meet his eyes. It’s only then that he speaks. “Maybe we need to take some time to think. A week. I don’t know. Maybe we just need some time for you to clear your head and me to . . . I don’t know.”
I lose the battle, and my tears fall over my lashes and slide down my cheeks. I nod, even though I’m still not certain it’s what I truly want. “Maybe.”
He takes a few steps toward me. “I once told you that only one girl has ever broken my heart before. That was you, Asher. And I swear to fucking God, I think you’re breaking it again.
” He puts my face in his hands and presses the gentlest of kisses on my lips.
“I love you, Asher Wells. I think I always have.”
Those words should fill my heart, instead, they fracture it a little more.
Because I’m not sure if love is enough to conquer the obstacles we face.
And without another word or meeting my eyes, Ledger Sharpe walks out of the clearing and, I fear, out of my life.