CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Ellery
Seven Years Ago
“I don’t understand.” I blink over and over as if each closure and opening of my eyes will change the scene before me.
Will make me hear something different.
“You don’t need to understand, Elle. All you need to know is this, us . . . it’s over.”
He’s going to propose to you tonight, Ellery. Josh Fitzpatrick is going to ask you to marry him, and then you’ll live happily ever after and be ridiculously in love.
Was it only hours ago that my best friend told me that in her singsong voice? How did I go from that to this? From elation to devastation? From getting a manicure so my nails looked perfect in pictures to show off my new ring to staring at the polish and wanting to vomit?
“Josh. I—don’t—”
“I met someone else.”
“What do you mean you met someone else?” I shout, tears welling in my eyes and the hollowness of my voice echoing in my head.
“Just like it sounds. I met another woman.”
I scrub a hand over my face and try to process the last few minutes. “You cheated on me?”
“A relationship shouldn’t be this much work. You either love me or you don’t, but I shouldn’t have to try and coax it out of you. I shouldn’t have to try this hard to make you love me.”
“But I gave you everything I could. I gave you everything I’m capable of giving.” I take a step toward him, and he takes a step back.
Fight for us.
“Look, I know you’ve been handed a shit sandwich in life . . . but your abandonment issues aren’t my problem.”
Fight for me.
“I gave you everything I could.”
I’m worth it—the fight, the effort, the trouble—I promise.
“Look, I thought I loved you. I thought I could cope with you not saying it back to me. But then I met someone . . . and I realized that what you gave me just isn’t enough.” Josh hangs his head for a beat before looking back up to me. “Goodbye, Ellery.”
I watch him leave when I want to beg him to stay. His broad shoulders. His tall frame. Then the closed door itself.
I love you.
I loved you.
I forced myself to believe when the thought suffocated me. I allowed myself to think of possibility before the fear.
I let you in, Josh.
I let myself hope.
I let myself believe.
I let myself love.
Even when I was terrified of loving because I know the pain that comes with it.
I let myself love.
I thought maybe this time would prove different. That I was worthy of the love everyone talks about. That everyone gets to experience.
But clearly, I’m not.
“I realized that what you gave me just isn’t enough.”
I’m done. Broken. Sure, my mom was strong enough to try to love again, but I’m not her. She only lost my dad.
I lost him.
Then her.
And now Josh.
Love leads to loss, even when you try your hardest.
And especially when you’re someone like me.
“I thought I loved you. I thought I could cope with you not saying it back to me. But then I met someone . . .”
He’s right. He deserves the love I can’t give him freely. The same love that is a double-edged sword for me. I can’t fault him for wanting more.
For leaving me.
I tried.
I opened myself up and really tried.
Lesson learned.
Just like everything else in my life I’ve ever loved . . . it’s gone.
Never again.