Chapter 24
Ben: Hey, girl. Any chance you have room in your shower for me?
Rob: There's a new poke bowl spot near my building. Interested in trying it out?
Magnolia: Greetings, friends.
Ben: Not the group text of death.
Ben: Please.
Ben: I'd rather the middle finger emoji.
Rob: Are you done yet?
Ben: I'm done with you.
Magnolia: Yeahhhhhhhhhh so I'm spending the night with my dog and Netflix. I'll catch up with you two later.
Rob: You know where to find me.
Ben: She knows where to find both of us, dickhead. The finding has never been an issue.
Rob: Thanks for clarifying that, Brock. Helpful.
Magnolia: Goodnight!
Ben: I know I said I wanted to work on the house tonight but I don't want to.
Magnolia: That's fine. No worries.
Magnolia: Is everything okay?
Ben: Yeah.
Magnolia: I'm not going to pull teeth, Brock.
Ben: My grandmother's headstone went up this morning and I've been parked in the cemetery since then.
Magnolia: Oh, honey.
Ben: No, it's nothing. I just don't want to do shit right now.
Magnolia: I understand.
Magnolia: The Sox are playing tonight. Want to order pizza and watch the game at my place? Gronk will be wearing his home game bow tie.
Ben: Don't you have tickets?
Magnolia: My brother is taking a client to the game.
Ben: What kind of work does he do? And which brother are we talking about?
Magnolia: Ash is an accountant. He and my dad work together. Linden is a tree doctor.
Ben: Which one has the tickets?
Magnolia: Ash. Linden will tell you his clients are trees, so…
Ben: Okay, let me get this straight. You're a landscape architect and one of your brothers is a tree doctor? How did you get so earthy-crunchy?
Magnolia: I hope you're typing earthy-crunchy with love.
Ben: Always.
Magnolia: We're the children of hardcore hippies. My parents kept chickens looooooong before it was cool and we all knew how to play the ukulele by the time we were 5.
Ben: That's special.
Magnolia: Yeah. I had a variety of opinions about it at the time but now I know it was a good way to grow up.
Ben: Okay, tell the truth. The accountant brother is the boring one, right?
Magnolia: I wouldn't say boring. He has different interests and priorities. Just like me and Linden, he's focused on his work and believes in what he does. Even if he takes himself a bit seriously.
Ben: Hey. Listen. I have to pass on the game. I'm not going to be good company tonight. Give my regrets to my boy Gronk, would you?
Magnolia: I'll tell him.
Ben: We'll connect after my next few shifts, okay?
Magnolia: Take care of yourself, Brock.
Rob: I read an article about some kind of gypsy moth invasion hitting the region. Does that sort of thing impact your work?
Magnolia: Um, yeah. Somewhat.
Rob: Is this an interesting topic for you?
Magnolia: lol, interesting? It's probably as interesting to me as rumors of a recession are to you.
Rob: Fuck, no, we're not discussing this.
Magnolia: It's bad enough to keep it in the back of your mind, right?
Rob: Totally. It's dangerous to even put those thoughts into consciousness.
Rob: I read an article about a new breed of hydrangea bushes. Is that safer?
Magnolia: Where the hell are you getting your news?
Rob: So, that's a NO on the hydrangea conversation?
Magnolia: Good effort, Russo. I'll give you credit for that.
Magnolia: How did you get that scar on your cheek?
Ben: Flew over the handlebars of my bike when I was 9. The bike pedal clipped my face in the wreck. Fucked me up real good. Broke my eye socket.
Magnolia: Eek. That sounds awful. I'm sorry.
Ben: No sweat. It was almost 30 years ago.
Magnolia: But you remember it vividly.
Ben: Like it was yesterday.
Ben: I guess some shit sticks with you, huh?
Magnolia: It does.
Ben: You're one of the most competent people I know so I figure you might have an answer for this.
Magnolia: Competent. That's a high bar.
Ben: It's a compliment.
Magnolia: Yes. As only you can deliver them.
Magnolia: How can I help you?
Ben: Do you know a lawyer who does wills and estates? Because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I feel like I'm going to vomit every time I try to figure it out by myself.
Magnolia: I know a lawyer but she specializes in real estate. I'm sure she can give me some referrals.
Ben: Thank you.
Magnolia: Anytime.
Ben: Why do you do that? Why do you help?
Magnolia: Why not?
Ben: Because people are terrible and they'll fuck you over.
Magnolia: No matter what happens, I won't fuck you over.
Ben: Why not? You could.
Magnolia: Because I won't. Because I don't want to do that to you, to anyone. Because I've been fucked over and I won't repeat that.
Ben: You should be obnoxious with all your Helpful Hannah bullshit. You're just fucking precious instead.
Magnolia: …thanks?
Ben: Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm angry and I'm dumping it on you.
Magnolia: I know.
Ben: I am sorry.
Magnolia: I know that too.
Magnolia: I have a question with two parts.
Rob: Yes and yes.
Magnolia: Sadly, my dear, those are not valid answers but great job with the consistency.
Rob: I'll take the points wherever I can get them.
Magnolia: It's funny you say that.
Rob: Which part?
Magnolia: About the points. I'm not keeping score.
Rob: Yeah, I know. I didn't mean actual points.
Magnolia: I know. It's funny because I rarely think of you working for the points.
Rob: …if that's a statement about me being a rad guy, I'll take it.
Rob: If it's a statement about Brock working for his points, I'm going to pretend I didn't see it because I think it's better I know nothing more than the extreme basics.
Magnolia: You're a rad guy, Rob Russo.
Rob: You're fucking right, I am.
Magnolia: Do people say that? Rad. Is rad a thing?
Magnolia: Who cares. It's a thing for us.
Rob: I love it when you're decisive.
Magnolia: Hmm. That sounds like a statement on my indecisiveness.
Rob: Why would I do that?
Rob: Ugh. That sounded passive-aggressive. Sorry. I'm wiped out and I haven't packed for this trip to New York yet and I'm being an asshole.
Magnolia: Don't you leave first thing in the morning?
Rob: 6 a.m.
Magnolia: Go pack!
Rob: It sounds like you're worried about me.
Rob: I'd rather find out what you wanted to ask me.
Magnolia: Go. Pack.
Rob: Not until you ask me your two-part question.
Magnolia: No. Get your life together.
Magnolia: In fact, don't text me until you get through airport security tomorrow.
Rob: Why not?
Magnolia: You said it yourself. You're tired. You're traveling and working all day tomorrow. I'm sure you're stressed. Get ready for your day and then go to bed like a grown ass adult.
Rob: Come with me.
Magnolia: Where?!?
Rob: Anywhere but first, bed. I'll sleep if you're with me.
Rob: I was a perfect bedmate the last time we had a sleepover.
Rob: How about this: I'll pack now and then head up to your place. For sleeping. Promise.
Rob: Should I interpret your silence as disinterest in my suggestion?
Magnolia: For your information, I was conferring with Gronk. He gets a vote when it comes to sleepovers.
Rob: How did my furry friend vote?
Magnolia: As long as you don't mind him sharing your pillow, he's open to the idea.
Rob: And you? Are you open to the idea?
Magnolia: I consulted the dog, so…yeah. Get your ass up here.
Magnolia: I never asked my two-part question! And now I have another question.
Rob: Wait. What? Which two-part question?
Magnolia: From last week! Before you left for New York! You were procrastinating and I wasn't going to reward that behavior.
Rob: I was not procrastinating.
Magnolia: Sounded like procrastinating.
Rob: Ask your three questions while I'm between meetings and can't offend you with my procrastination or beg for an invitation to your bed.
Magnolia: Okay, let's do this.
Magnolia: 1 – when did you get your nose pierced?
Rob: When I was 19 and enormously stupid.
Magnolia: It was that bad?
Rob: Not the piercing, me. I was a self-absorbed jackass back then. I actually cringed thinking about that version of myself when you mentioned it.
Magnolia: Unlike the cringing you do when remembering how you introduced yourself to me by telling me your height, weight, and length?
Rob: Yes. Very much unlike that.
Rob: Next.
Magnolia: 2 – when did you take the piercing out?
Rob: Before I took the Series 7 exam to get my trader's license. That was a little more than 10 years ago. Seemed like the right time.
Magnolia: Do you miss it?
Rob: Was that the third question?
Magnolia: No, but you sounded sad.
Rob: I'm not sad. A little sentimental over my dumb fool youth but no, I don't miss the nose ring.
Rob: Neither do my parents.
Magnolia: 3 – I've been wondering about this since the first time we met in person. I'd thought RRRooster441 was just a derpy handle but your belt buckle had RRR engraved on it that day so…what's your middle name, Rob Russo?
Rob: It was really nice knowing you.
Magnolia: What? You won't tell me?
Rob: I'm concerned about the fallout, to be honest. It's a good thing I'm going to be on the West Coast all of next week. I won't be tempted to show up at your house and blast some Peter Gabriel.
Magnolia: It can't be that bad. You should tell me.
Rob: It's Richard.
Magnolia: Okay, so…?
Magnolia: Oh my god, it's Dick. Your middle name is DICK. That explains so much!
Rob: Yep.
Magnolia: The Dick. It's you.
Rob: I've been trying to tell you this since the start.
Magnolia: Yes, but this is next level, my friend.
Rob: Any other questions?
Magnolia: I'm fresh out of them. Thank you for indulging me.
Rob: Can I invite myself to your bed now?
Magnolia: No dick.
Rob: I'm going to spend the next 5 hours analyzing the fuck out of that response.
Magnolia: Have so much fun!
Magnolia: DICK! Oh my god. I can't believe how perfect that is.