Chapter 32
I didn't have a date today. Not tonight, tomorrow, or the day after. My week was wide open, and for the first time in months it belonged to me.
I needed it to be this way. I needed to get a few things straight with myself before seeing Rob or Ben again.
Two days ago at Matt and Lauren's new house was the last I'd seen my boys. My boys. Ha. That was such an oversimplification of the matter. They were good men. Good to me and good for me.
A handful of months ago, my only wish in this romantic life of mine was being wanted. To be someone's first and best choice. Back then, I'd thought there was nothing better than belonging to someone, fully and irrevocably.
But it took a shove from my mother, a hot, hot summer, and the affections of two very different, very precious men to realize I belonged to myself.
I didn't need Ben. I didn't need Rob. I needed me and nothing more.
And that was the ah-ha moment of all this—the delicate space between needs and wants.
I needed to know and love myself and I wanted a man who knew and loved me as I was.
After two decades' worth of rejection, it was difficult to take up that mindset.
Part of me was compelled to binge on the affection Ben and Rob offered.
Take it all and squirrel it away because they'd snatch it back soon.
But the other part knew that wasn't necessary.
It wasn't going anywhere and even if it did, I loved myself.
The best part—and yeah, there was a best part of dating—was I had a man who knew and loved me in all my part-time hot mess ways.
And I was enough.