Chapter 33 #2
"Not unless we're talking about saving you from unpermitted construction fines," I added under my breath.
"—but you helped me through the hardest time of my life.
Just by being there and kicking my ass and forcing me to do things the right way.
I didn't know it was going to be this difficult, and I didn't know I was going to need help but you showed me the way from one point to another. I appreciate that."
"You're welcome." I glanced down at the table and trailed my index finger through the condensation ringing my glass. "What is it you need to say, Ben?"
I watched as a storm cloud drifted over him, quick like summer thunder.
It was over just as fast as it rolled in.
"I like you. So much. So fuckin' much. You don't take my shit and you know the right thing to say at the worst moments and you're a cool lady when you're not preaching about building codes. "
"But?" I prompted.
Here I was, walking straight into rejection. The fear was there, irrational as it was. The anxiety too. But I was ready for this. I welcomed it.
He looked up at me, Gronk cuddled against his chest like a wiggly, squishy shield. "But I'm not for you and you're not for me."
"I know." I nodded, offering a small smile. I prayed my expression wasn't painted with relief. Ben didn't want to see that. "I know."
He pressed his fingers to his temples. "You could've mentioned this before I ripped my guts out and dropped them on the floor in front of you."
"And miss out on this fun? No. Never." I folded my arms over my chest. "Aside from the fun, I didn't want to hurt you. I know how much you're going through and I didn't want to add to that. I didn't want to make things worse for you."
"Oh, right," Ben drawled. "Allowing me to slow-walk myself to that conclusion with the help of a cutthroat teacher was much better. Thanks for that, Gigi. Really, I appreciate it. Thanks."
I leaned forward, clasped my fingers around my glass. "Tell me about this teacher."
Ben ran his hand through his hair, over his scruffy chin.
He huffed out a wry chuckle as the inklings of a smile softened his face.
It started in his eyes, gradually reaching his lips and pulling them up into a craggy grin.
"Is this how it's gonna be with us now? I'm supposed to tell you about my feelings and shit?
And I don't even get the benefit of naked showers? "
"Come on, Ben. All showers should be naked," I replied. "But yeah, let's do this. Let's be disgustingly mature and cleave our relationship into two separate and distinct segments."
He gestured toward me. "The shower segment and the not-showering segment?"
I tapped a finger on my chest. "I'm still showering."
"But not with me," he replied.
"It seems like I'm spending a lot of time explaining when and how to wash," I said. "Perhaps you could find a YouTube tutorial for that and leave me out of it."
"I'm just saying, I wouldn't mind a shower with you."
"Here's a small suggestion." I tipped my head toward him. "This person, the cutthroat teacher? I'm confident she won't enjoy these references to bathing with me."
He bobbed his head in solemn agreement. That was, I interpreted it as solemn agreement. The goings-on of Ben's mind still eluded me.
"I can see that," he said eventually.
"About this woman," I said. "I need more details, Brock. Who is she, when did you meet her, how much of your shit does she tolerate?" I ticked off each question on my fingers. "You know, the important details."
"Her name is Grace, and I met her last weekend. She was helping out at that house, the one your friends moved into." He blew out a breath and pressed his palms to his eyes. "I don't know how to explain it," he continued, "but the woman is a villain and I am obsessed with her."
I leaned back, considering this. There were several things I'd expected from a conversation with Ben Brock that terminated our romantic relationship.
I'd anticipated his trademark bluster and some request for a sex-on-the-side arrangement.
Not that I'd wanted it but I'd also expected him to fight for me, insist I couldn't possibly choose Rob.
None of that involved him announcing he'd met another woman. Not only met another woman but already possessed big, confusing, obsessive feelings for that woman.
And I was ecstatic. There wasn't even a twinge of betrayal.
"What kind of villain?" I asked.
He dropped his hands and stared at me wide-eyed. "The best kind. The best kind," he repeated. "I've talked to her every day this week and I am—"
"Smitten?" I interrupted. I couldn't help but beam at Ben. I'd never seen him twisted quite like this. It was fabulous. "Because you're smitten."
He jerked a shoulder up, shrugging off my response. "You said something recently. Something about getting tired of your bullshit. This woman, Grace, she was tired of my bullshit before she met me and she has no problem telling me that."
"I'm a fan," I replied, both hands up in praise. "When are you seeing her again?"
Ben stroked Gronk's coat for a moment, silent.
Then, "I don't know. I had to do this first. I had to do right by you before I could do anything with her.
Hell, I don't know if she's interested. She ignores my texts for eleven hours and then tells me to unfuck myself and I don't know what to do about any of it.
I just want—I don't know—I want her attention.
" He shot an apprehensive glimpse in my direction.
"That's about as lame as it sounds, isn't it? "
I felt a rush of warm affection for Ben.
It wasn't romantic or sexual, not at all.
It was the kind of affection reserved for the special people who came into your life and changed the course for the better.
He'd changed my course and I'd needed him to do that.
I'd needed him to push me, to hem me in and force me to take charge of our complex relationship.
But more than that, he'd forced me to make choices.
I couldn't sit back and wait for love to find me. I couldn't expect it to come in the exact dimensions I required. I couldn't cross my fingers and hope to find someone better than my shabby roster of exes. I had to orchestrate that magic for myself.
And now it seemed Ben had to orchestrate his own magic.
"Assuming she wants to see you again, I'd love to meet her," I said.
"I want good things for you, Ben. You're not getting rid of me.
I'll be checking in on you and asking about this scary villain teacher and making sure you're doing well even if we don't share showers anymore.
" I pointed over his shoulder, in the direction of his house.
"And I'm not letting you screw up those renovations. "
"Yeah?" he remarked. "What's Rob have to say about that?"
Another rush of affection hit me, this one tighter, more urgent than the first. I loved Rob. I could say that now and I could believe it. I could keep it without worrying after it leaving me.
I loved him and he loved me.
He loved me when love was the last thing he wanted.
He loved me when I couldn't choose him, when I wouldn't.
He loved me exactly as I was, requiring no more, no less.
He loved me and I loved him, and now, we both knew it. We could say it, we could live it.
I sucked in a breath to keep myself from crying because goddamn, this shit was hell on my emotions. "I'll mention it to him tomorrow. We have a couple hours in the car to talk through it.”
Ben gave Gronk a vigorous head scratch and set him down on the floor. The dog turned, perched his paws on Ben's leg. "Where are you going tomorrow?"
I beamed, incapable of hiding the nervous excitement inside me. "I'm taking him home for Sunday dinner with my family."