Chapter 27
Zelda
For the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn't need my parachute. The one I'd never finished mending, the one meant to rescue me from all my choices, situations. From myself.
I didn't need it tonight. I wanted to believe I didn't need it anymore but I knew better than that. Eggs in one basket, crops before the harvest, chickens before they hatched. All those farming metaphors applied here.
Though today felt like a turned corner. I knew I wasn't lost in my own life anymore. I wasn't dogged by fear and dread and waiting waiting waiting for something right to happen.
Weddings had that effect. They made life feel like it was overflowing with possibilities and there was hope for me and you.
Maybe that was why Ash blurted out that I love you. Maybe he was as caught up in the rush of all this as I was.
I hadn't replied because I was preoccupied with the amazed way those words slipped over his lips. Like he couldn't believe it—he couldn't believe me.
That was all right. I couldn't quite believe this either.
He circled his fingers around my ankle, tickling just a bit, and drew me out of my thoughts.
"You have fixed…everything," he said.
"I just pushed a few things around and found the right order for them."
"You fixed everything," he repeated. "Remember when I freaked out because I thought you didn't know what you were doing and I didn't want to let anyone else call the shots?"
"This sounds familiar," I joked. "Give me a minute. The memories are coming back."
"I was wrong about it but I still reacted." I nodded, not sure where Ash was taking this. "Keep that in mind, okay?"
A shiver crossed my shoulders. "What do you mean?"
He pulled in a breath, blew it out. "I accept your resignation."
I blinked. "What?"
"You fixed everything for me and now I have to fix something for you.
I can't let you work for me. I can't—I won't be another guy who expects you to give up everything you want only to make his life better.
I won't let you spend your days riding herd on me and running my office when you belong elsewhere. "
There was a knot in my throat, a thick ball of anxiety stuck there like a dry crust of bread. "What—you're—wait, you're firing me?"
"I'm not going to let you force yourself to believe you want to manage an accounting office or you could be content with that work. That's not what you want, my love."
And this was why I couldn't put that parachute in storage yet. "But I want—"
"You want archaeology. You want to study pre-Columbian peoples and something about their deaths. You want academia and research and all of those outrageous Indiana Jones adventures."
I rubbed my temples. "You did not just bring Indiana Jones into this."
"Zelda, I love you. And because I love you, I can't let you waste your time working for me."
I couldn't catch up. One minute I was being fired, the next he loved me. And—and he wanted me to return to grad school. "Okay but you—you—"
"I love you," he cut in. "I love you and I need you, and all of that is too big to let you be anything but exactly who you are.
Believe me, Zelda, nothing in the world would make me happier than waking up with you every morning and going to work with you every day but I'm not going to be the next selfish bastard in your life.
The only place I'll be the boss is in bed and only when you want it that way. "
He just didn't understand. That was it. "But I like your office. I'm good at this."
Ash nodded. "You like nurturing lost causes and you like enormous, impossible projects. You like fixing broken things and solving problems."
"Right and it serves to reason I'll be plenty fulfilled solving all the new problems you invent for yourself next week and the week after and I can't wait to see what September brings."
I didn't know why I was fighting this so hard.
It just seemed, I didn't know, unwarranted.
And Ash needed the help though there was a slightly vengeful allure to the notion of returning to grad school.
I'd earned much of Denis's degree for him so it wasn't like I couldn't cut it…
though after hearing it from him for years, a voice deep in my head still told me I couldn't, I'd fail, I'd never succeed anywhere.
That voice was wrong.
"You like your work more," Ash said. "Get real, my love.
You came here with one suitcase and it's half filled with archaeology textbooks and journals.
You have to run the washing machine every other day because you prioritized books over clothes.
That's a statement of priorities." He drew his fingers up my leg, behind my knee.
"Here's what's going to happen. You're going to find me a capable office manager.
That Nobel laureate you mentioned. You're going to train that person up and then help me and my father work together on non-violent partnership.
You're also going to figure out which one of the two hundred universities in the area best fits your research agenda and we'll do whatever it takes to get you a seat in the fall session. Are you with me so far?"
I bobbed my head though— "Not to haggle here but you did say you'd only be my boss in bed."
"I'm getting to that." He hit me with one of his smirks that couldn't decide whether it was sweet or salty.
"In the meantime, you're going to move in with me.
More than you already are. You're going to hang up your clothes in the closet and put your books on the shelves, and you're going to stay because I want it as much as you do. "
All I could say was, "Okay" and then, "Do you know I love you too?"
"Yeah, I do," he said, a grin brightening his face. "But it's damn good to hear it from you."
Because I didn't know how to believe, I asked, "Is this real?"
He reached for my hand. "It's real if you want it to be."
I stared at our joined hands, my dark olive skin layered against his light golden. The face of his watch was dim but I watched the seconds ticking by in the low light.
"You don't have to say anything right now," Ash continued. "Take all the time you want to think and—"
"Yes."
I didn't want to wait any longer for my life to begin.
I was here with this old stone wall of a man, all weather-worn and unyielding, and there wasn't a single reason to wait.
I'd done enough of that. I hadn't hacked my way through the thicket of my childhood and the nonsense of Denis to sleep on a future I'd all but forfeited for myself.
Fuck all of that and then fuck it again.
"Yes?" he echoed. "Yes to—to what? What are you agreeing to?"
"Anything," I said. "I want to do this with you. I want to try."
He squinted down at his watch before offering me a small, precious smile. "Would you like to try marrying me?"
I turned his hand over, stroked his palm. "Might as well since I've already picked out a dress and your mother will need a new project come Monday morning."
A rumbly laugh burst out of him. "We'll take this part slow."
"There's no rush," I agreed.
"No. No rush at all." He leaned in, pressed a kiss to my forehead, my cheeks, my lips. "We have all the time in the world, my love."