2
Karmela typed half a dozen words, then pushed her chair away from her desk. Despite the time she had lost this morning– or maybe because of it– she just could not concentrate. Something she had said to Zina was resonating with her own situation too. Something about listening to and understanding the other person’s point of view.
She replayed her conversations with Iain in her head– the jokey ones, the serious ones, the most recent one. The one that had pierced her so much. He had said that he would like to take her out to dinner but… And she had finished the sentence for him. Perhaps he had not intended to do so himself, but if she had left him space, if she had stood silent and waited, he would have been too polite not to fill the void. Then perhaps she would have known what that “but” was. She would have learnt the reason he did not want her.
Would knowing the reason have any bearing at all on her endless machinations about how best to deal with rejection? The thought had half-come to her yesterday, but she’d dismissed it. Had that been wrong? It might be something quite simple, something she could guard against in future. Perhaps something like… Oh, she did not know. Perhaps like not wanting a relationship with someone who lived in a different country. Or it might be something that was really to do with her. It was a frightening thought, but one she needed to face. And what was holding her back from asking him? Just like Zina, it was fear of bloody rejection.
Sranje! She needed to stop prevaricating. She needed to display a fraction of the courage Jo had over the last day or so, and which Zina was doing right now, and confront the problem that was holding her back.
Given Iain was no longer helping Lambros he should be in his room. Karmela hesitated. Nobody had been at their best this morning. It was not surprising, after last night’s upset. So perhaps this was not the moment to speak to him after all. Or was she using it as yet another excuse? Either way, they did not have to have the conversation now. She had no desire to ambush him. She just wanted to fix a time to talk.
The late morning heat felt sticky as she crossed the courtyard and the humidity was draining. Ekaterini had already laid the table for lunch under the awning, and the delicious aroma of roasting peppers drifted from the kitchen, but Karmela barely noticed, anxious to get this done.
Her knock on Iain’s door was greeted by a cacophony of barking, and with it opened no more than a crack, Sybil squeezed through, jumping up at Karmela as she caught Sybil’s paws in her hands to greet her, bending down so the dog could lick her face.
“Oh, hello.” It was impossible to tell from his even tone whether Iain was pleased to see her or not, but right now that was not important.
“I will not keep you long,” she said. “I only want to fix a time when we can talk. I need to understand why you changed your mind about us. As you know, I am new to dating and I am hoping I can learn from your reasons.”
He studied the terracotta tiles beneath their feet. “I doubt it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, because I wouldn’t mind betting this particular set of circumstances won’t ever arise again.” Finally he did glance up, a glint of desperation in his eyes. “And it isn’t you, honestly.”
“So you are not prepared to tell me?” Her request was not unreasonable, surely?
He shrugged. “It won’t change anything, because sadly, very sadly, I can’t change the past.” He tried to look at her, but still could not meet her eyes. “I was an RAF pilot, Karmela. I took part in Operation Deliberate Force. I bombed Sarajevo in the last days of the war. I might even have killed your friend. We don’t need to talk about it. It is what it is.”
Karmela stepped back so fast her foot almost caught on the bottom of the stairs and she grabbed the newel post to steady herself. This could not be right, surely? This man, standing in front of her, had dropped bombs on a city full of civilians? A city full of children, including Emina?
Iain spoke quietly. “Of course you’re shocked. I’m sorry. But you see, the moment I realised, I knew it would come between us, and by the look on your face I was right. Even as friends, I fear it will.”
She looked up and stepped away again. Towards the door, this time. “Thank you for telling me. I will go back to my room now and leave you in peace.”
Sranje! This hurt almost as much as his rejection itself. An almost doubling-up sort of hurt, like she had been winded. And there was anger. Anger too. But why? Had she not put the war behind her? Had she not been back to Sarajevo and visited Emina’s grave with Nejla, exorcising the ghosts?
With no thought as to what she was doing, Karmela walked past her room, heading towards the upper reaches of the gully that split the land in two, her feet finding a path through the low curls of vines. Despite the season some were shooting the tiniest green leaves, fresh and new against the gritty grey soil. Others were no more than frazzled mounds of vegetation, burnt ochre and yellow-brown by the heat of the sun.
Karmela felt frazzled too. Burnt out. Would this wretched war ever go away? Her sensible head told her to remember how much progress she had made. How it was better to allow herself to feel pain, than nothing at all. But this hurt so bloody much it was hard to untangle. Hard to even believe.
Ahead of her was the olive grove with its welcome shade. At this particular point, the gully was less than two metres deep and some animal– most likely a curious goat– had made a track down one side. Her sandals slipped on the soil; she was so not prepared for a hike across open country and she cursed herself. She should be back in her room, writing. But right now she needed the space.
She needed blue sky above, viewed through the branches and silvery leaves of the olives. On the opposite wall of the gully the earth was cream in colour and pockmarked with stones, a thick line of what looked like ash running through it– black pebbles above, but not below. Clear evidence of the eruption that had buried Akrotiri and ripped the island apart.
A trickle of ants trailed from behind a bush that was growing wedged into the gully’s side. Had they always been on the island, or had they somehow made it back? A small miracle of nature. Karmela watched as they worked together to haul a fleshy round leaf into their nest. Life went on. Her life went on. Everyone had their journey, even these tiny ants. In and out they went, every day. Only humans stopped to wonder why.
But that wondering why was powerful. It was the reason humans kept learning, kept adapting, kept growing into more fulfilling lives. From the hunter-gatherers who had first roamed the planet, to the citizens of Akrotiri with their wonderful wall paintings and pottery, to where they were today. Human progress never stopped; it was never the finished product, always a work in progress. Like her book. Like… herself.
Humans learnt from everything, even pain, and she would beat this. She would. She would learn, adapt, change. Like Zina had, coming here from her exciting career in media relations and?—
Karmela pulled herself up short. Zina knew about media relations. Why on earth had she not put two and two together before? How useful could her skill set be to Jo? Karmela clambered back up the slope, then brushed off her shorts. She needed to get her head out of her arse and follow this up.
* * *
Time ticked towards noon. High noon, or a whole load of nothing? Would Diana and Sophie turn up together for their one-to-one as usual? Or just Diana? Just Sophie? Or neither of them? Right now, anything was possible. And everything impossible.
Jo had returned to her room early last night, despite Iain trying to convince her to have another glass of wine. The one she’d drunk over dinner had tasted bitter in her mouth as the reality of her situation hit home. She’d been almost within touching distance of being able to leave Rees, and now that chance had been snatched away, leaving a huge empty space where something like hope had grown without her even noticing.
What had really kept her awake though, was what Sophie might do. Ask for her money back from Zina as a bare minimum, she guessed. Which of course Jo would pay. She only wished she could believe Diana’s assurances that Sophie wouldn’t blow the whole story sky high or find some way to drag her through the courts because she would never want the publicity. But what would happen next? Sophie hadn’t shown up for breakfast, or for the morning workshop. Neither had she packed her bags and left. Yet.
She heard footsteps on the stairs, but Jo couldn’t work out whose they were. One set, though. Too slow to be Sophie’s; too light to be Diana’s. A moment later she heard a tentative knock, followed by Sophie peeping around the door, her fine cheek bones sunken into her face, her eyes red-rimmed. Oh, god, what had she done? What had she done to the woman Pam had loved?
Sophie cleared her throat. “Can we… talk about last night? And about Pam?”
Jo nodded. “Whatever you want. Really.” Sophie still hesitated at the doorway. “Come in and sit down.”
Sophie took a moment arranging her skirt, smoothing it neatly over her legs. Finally she looked up. “She thought a lot of you, you know. She told me you were the daughter she never had.”
Grief welled inside Jo, a cruel twist of wretchedness threatening her, before she managed to muster everything she had to push it away. This was not about her. This was about Sophie.
“That makes it worse, doesn’t it?” she said.
“I don’t know. I really don’t.” Sophie sighed. “I didn’t come here to hate you, Jo, or to make things difficult. I came here to find out how our story got out there. I had to know, you see. I became obsessed with the idea that Pam had planned it all along, that she had written it secretly and left instructions in her will… and I felt… I felt… No, not used, because our love was real. But exposed. Yes, that’s it. Exposed.”
“It wasn’t like that at all.”
“I know that now. But last night, as Karmela was talking, and I understood that publication was your choice, not Pam’s, all that emotion came ripping through me. Horror, relief and I don’t know what, but I couldn’t stop it. I had to speak out. And when you told everyone I was Eloise it crystallised into a terrible anger. No one knew about that. No one.” She put her head in her hands.
“I’m truly sorry. I was so shocked that it just came out.”
Sophie looked up, through red-rimmed eyes. “I should have spoken to you sooner. I know I should. I’d been able to find out so little about Jessica Rose online that it seemed coming to the retreat was my only chance, but when I got here, well, I kept finding reasons not to do it. New ones all the time. First and foremost, it really hit home to me that to say anything at all I would need to reveal my secret self. So I decided to try to gauge what sort of person you were first and whether I could trust you.
“But of course, when you told us your real name I knew exactly who you were. I knew then how you’d got hold of the manuscript, and I knew you and Pam were so close, so I really did think it had been her wish to publish the story. And when you chose the song Pam loved so much for Zina’s stupid game, I knew how deeply you cared for her. So I was too frightened to ask, because I was scared of your answer. And besides, there was Diana. She was delighted when I suggested we came here. She’s fiddled around writing love stories for years and it’s been a joy to see her having such fun. For the first time since Peter died, in fact. It made me reluctant to upset the apple cart.”
“You two are such good friends,” Jo murmured.
“She’s bloody amazing. She sat up with me most of the night, just listening. It must have been a shock to her that I fell in love with a woman, but she didn’t let it show. And she didn’t know about Lawrence’s true nature either. Eventually she told me what Karmela had said about Rees, and I finally understood what had really happened– that he coerced you into publishing Only. Ever. You. ”
“I still should have stopped it.”
“How could you? I could never stand in Lawrence’s way when he really wanted something. It’s insidious being in a controlling relationship. Sometimes I almost wished he’d come out and hit me so I could have been done with it.” She shook her head. “I know that sounds awful, what some women go through, but at least then… I don’t know…” She shrugged. “But you don’t need me to tell you that. You’re still living the nightmare. Diana told me what you planned to do, and you mustn’t let me stop you.”
“Sophie, that isn’t fair.”
“It’s what Pam would want. And anyway, no one except the people around the table last night need know the book’s real.”
“I’m afraid Rees does and I’m worried he will milk it for all it’s worth, especially if there was money in selling the story.”
“Oh.” Sophie looked down. “Oh.”
“Then we do nothing.”
“No, Jo. I don’t want to be responsible for keeping you prisoner in your marriage. I could cope with Lawrence and his affairs because I had Pam to love me, to make sure I always believed in myself. And yes, he could be cruel, but we kept up appearances for the sake of the boys and his career. We had a shared goal at least, and that made it just about bearable.”
“Your children don’t know about Pam, I assume?”
“They know we were friends. They were at boarding school anyway. Lawrence thought it best. The younger one, Paul, he’ll be fine with it. He’s something of a free spirit, but Sebastian’s never liked surprises.”
“And finding out his mother’s gay would be a very big one.”
Sophie frowned. “That’s not a label I’m comfortable with. I’ve watched Susan and Ellen, and lovely as they are, I don’t see anything of myself in them. It was simply that the love of my life, my soul mate, happened to be a woman too.”
“You said you wanted to talk about Pam,” Jo reminded her gently.
“Pam was my angel. She lit up my world from the inside out. When she died I felt as though someone had cut off my right arm, and I had to hide it. I couldn’t even grieve as I needed to, because no one knew we were more than casual friends. I never… never got to say goodbye to her, to mourn her properly. I wasn’t brave enough to go to her funeral. I didn’t think I’d be able to hold it together.”
“I don’t think I’ve grieved properly either. All the guilt over the book, then all its success, the awards, the film… My mum always thought it was because I was the one who found Pam, but that wasn’t it at all.”
Sophie’s eyes met hers. “Was it… was it peaceful, like in the epilogue?”
“It was, I promise. It was in her sleep and she looked so serene. I knew she was gone, but I sat with her while I waited for the paramedics, and I held her hand.”
“Oh, Jo.” Sophie started to cry, and the tears that had been prickling Jo’s eyes spilled over too. She stood, legs shaking, and moved to the other sofa, where Sophie made space for her. With their arms entwined, they sobbed together for the woman they had both loved, and who had loved them so much in return.
Eventually Sophie reached into the pocket of her skirt for a handkerchief and wiped her eyes. “Pam was a wonderful woman in so many ways. We need to do her and her talent as a writer justice as well. We need to tell the truth.”
Jo nodded. “I know. But I don’t want to risk you?—”
Sophie raised her index finger to silence her. “You need to get out of your marriage. Pam tried to persuade me so many times, even though we wouldn’t have been able to be together until she retired. She wanted it for my sake, not hers. In the end she realised the boys were more important. I had to wait until they grew up. But you don’t have kids. There’s nothing tying you to your husband other than the hold he has over you, which is pretty rich, given he’s responsible.”
“I could have stopped it.”
“You couldn’t, and I don’t want to hear you saying that again.” She smiled at Jo. “Besides, you’ve done me a favour. You have no idea how wonderful it is to be able to talk about Pam freely; with Diana last night, and especially with you. I have never, ever been able to do it before.”
“Any time,” said Jo. “Honestly, any time. And I’d like you to meet my mum when we’re back in the UK.”
“Caroline? Oh, I’d love to.” Her eyes were filling again and she tutted. “Look at me, silly old fool that I am.”
“You don’t seem silly to me.”
“I was always a fool for Pam. The happiest fool in the world, when we were together. But seriously, Jo. You need to find a way to get the truth out there.”
Jo nodded. “I’ll think about it. And you can change your mind at any point, you know.”
“I won’t.” Sophie stood and brushed down her skirt. “Now, I need to wash my face, and then I think I’ll have a very large G she would be in control of this, so she could make sure it wasn’t. She had the skills. And more than anything, she wanted to help Jo as well.
She pulled her chair closer to Karmela’s. “Tell me everything.”
Zina’s head was spinning with the enormity of the task when, half an hour later, she followed Karmela up the stairs to Jo’s suite. The Sophie situation complicated matters considerably, but she was sure she could find a way around that as well. It was just the sort of challenge she loved. And exactly what she needed to take her mind off Lambros in the twenty-four-hour wait before their important conversation.
Karmela knocked on the door, walking straight in. “Jo! I am bringing the answer to our prayers. How did we forget that Zina used to work in marketing? And as it happens, she is a media relations expert. Just what we need. So I have explained everything to her, and she is sure she can help.”
Jo spun around from her desk. “You can? That would be amazing, but—” Something about her seemed to deflate. “Honestly, I’m not sure what I should do, given Sophie’s situation. She’s adamant I come clean, bless her, but it’s such a risk to her privacy, and her family haven’t a clue about her and Pam. It’s my actions that have caused this, so it’s down to me to minimise any fallout.”
“And that’s exactly what we’re going to do,” Zina promised.
Karmela sat in the easy chair in the corner, leaving Zina to perch on the bed. “I am glad you used the words coming clean, because that is most important,” she told Jo. “Totally clean. In my experience, whenever there’s damage limitation to be done, it’s important the whole truth is put out there. Yes, there will be an almighty fuss on social media whatever we do, but it will soon die down if no more scandals come out to keep the story going. People move on surprisingly quickly if there’s nothing to see.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t want Sophie dragged through the mud too. It isn’t fair on her or her children.”
“OK,” the cogs that had been unused for so long started to clunk into life. “Rees doesn’t know you know who Pam’s lover was, does he?”
“No. Only the people around the table last night, and I would trust them all implicitly,” said Jo.
“There’s no need to mention her name, so we’ll have to take the calculated risk that Rees doesn’t think it’s worth his while to try to find out.”
“It’s Sophie’s risk,” said Jo, “and I don’t want?—”
“Yes, but it is your future,” said Karmela softly. “Your thoughtfulness about everyone else is fantastic– it is part of what makes you such a good tutor– but you do not have to take any responsibility that is not yours. Presumably Sophie knew what she was doing when she embarked on an affair.”
“But not that the whole thing would be made into a book and a film,” Jo snapped.
“Agreed. However, if Sophie thinks the truth needs to come out then you need to respect that too. I know we can trust Zina to minimise the damage.”
Karmela trusted her. As a professional, even after everything she’d told her this morning. Zina’s heart sang as she looked from one to the other. Could both these women really be her friends, after all? Could she truly become part of the warmth that obviously flowed between them? The only reasons why not were in her own head and it was more than time to let them go. It was time to roll up her sleeves and give them her all.
“Damage limitation is not only a question of honesty, but of pulling out as many positives as possible. Some sort of public atonement, like a charitable donation, normally helps.”
“I can do better than that,” Jo replied. “Mum and I have already decided to give any future royalties to charity. That will infuriate Rees even more than Mum claiming them herself, but it can’t be helped.” She grinned. “And it’ll serve him damn well right.”
“It’s hard to believe a husband would behave as Rees has done,” Zina said. It was impossible to imagine Lambros… but then she’d never have expected the last week to pan out the way it had either. She sighed. “But I guess you never know.”
“You don’t,” said Jo. “At first I actually liked Rees making all the decisions. I was such a wet weekend, and completely inexperienced when it came to dating. Then he was brilliantly supportive when I fell apart after Pam died. We were married before I truly realised what was happening. God, I was so na?ve back then.”
“That’s another thing we can bring out. Try to spike his guns.”
“What, that he is abusive?” Karmela’s eyebrows all but disappeared under her fringe.
“No! No of course not,” said Zina. “I meant how supportive he was when Pam died, how he saw to everything. Show how involved he was in what happened, so he can’t shirk the responsibility– and so that people can draw their own conclusions. Especially if you pick a domestic abuse charity. But of course you would say, very sweetly, that it was because of Eloise in the book.”
“My god, you are good at this,” said Karmela, and Zina felt herself glow.
“Say? How will I say?” Jo sounded panicked.
“I’m not a hundred per cent sure yet, but I think the best way is to place an article with a serious newspaper in London. I worked there for a while but my contacts are a bit rusty, so I’ll need to have a proper think. Then prime some influencers to be positive on social media. Perhaps your publisher’s marketing department could help with that?”
Jo paled visibly. “Oh god. I’m going to have to tell them first, aren’t I? And my agent, because of the foreign rights. Not to mention the film people. Thank goodness there are no copyright complications or I could find myself sued to hell as well.”
Karmela leant forwards. “Your mum may have to make the rights over to you sooner rather than later. But if you are going to give all future royalties away, then Rees cannot get his hands on them anyway.”
“Any idea which charity?” Zina asked. This was so exciting she couldn’t wait to get started. She just knew she could make this right for lovely Jo, but it had to be done carefully and properly.
“Perhaps we should ask Sophie to choose?” said Jo, and the others nodded. “Fine. I’ll go and fetch her.”
As she ran down the stairs, Karmela turned to Zina. “This is a much bigger job than I ever envisaged. You must not let it steal your focus from putting things right with Lambros.”
Zina thought for a moment. Undoubtedly it would. Or could, if she let it. The ultimate test of her priorities. She bit her lip, knowing there was only one possible answer she could give.
“I can’t let that happen.” She looked up, grinning at Karmela. “But hey, I’m a woman. I can multitask, you know.”