Chapter 14
Demons – Imagine Dragons
Wilder
The pork and potato on my plate looked tasty, yet it tasted like ash in my mouth. It tasted like ash and lodged like a boulder in my throat. The food was lodged, while the letter in my pocket burned through to my skin.
It felt like I was being branded. Only this wasn’t the Last Creek Ranch brand, it was the devil’s. It was a letter from our dad that had been waiting on the side table when I got home. Wanting me to visit him in prison.
Over recent months I’d been contemplating going to see him, but having a request there, in his handwriting…It felt too much, too soon. Like it was no longer my decision.
I knew that I could say no, but I had so many questions. Answers that wouldn’t come from my brothers. How could they when I wasn’t even sure if the questions were valid.
“What’s going on with you?” Gunner asked as the chatter continued around us.
Ella, Lily’s mom, Calvin, our mayor and Ella’s partner, plus Lily’s grandma, Peggy, were there. Just like every Sunday. Filling our house with laughter and chatter, even more than it was already bursting with.
“No idea what you’re talking about.” I pushed some carrots around my plate, trying to make it look like I’d eaten something.
Gunner’s hand came down on my arm as Peggy shrieked with laughter at something Bertie had said.
His eyes, so like my own, pleaded with me to talk.
For too long he hadn’t. He’d bottled things up and struggled through losing Mom without letting anyone know the true amount of pain he was in.
After a time of playing up, he started to spend more time with the horses, particularly Arial, the one Mom gave to him.
The beautiful, sweet mare he’d lost in the stable fire.
Now, thanks to Cassidy, he was all about talking and spilling your guts.
Well, spoiler alert, I wasn’t. Not today.
“Seriously, Gun, I’m okay. Maybe I have the flu coming on or something.”
“I don’t remember the last day you were ill, Wild, so sorry if I don’t believe you.”
I looked around the table at my family. The people who I loved most in the world.
The people who were my world. Yet, I couldn’t open my mouth and tell any of them that our father wanted to see me.
Our world was better without him in it, yet my heart and mind were in turmoil with the need to let him back in from the cold.
“Maybe I hide it well.” I didn’t mean to snap but just like the food, the words were unwelcome on my tongue.
“You not hungry, sweetie?” Lily asked from across the table, clearly disappointed. “You’ve barely touched your food.”
“I know Lily’s cooking is better than mine,” Cassidy chimed in. “But it’s still pretty good.”
I threw them both an empty smile. “It’s great, honestly. I’m not feeling the best.” I cleared my throat. “I think I need some fresh air.”
The look each of my brothers and their partners exchanged didn’t pass me by. When Gunner grinned it was clear what they were all thinking. Damn it, I was thinking it, too. I needed to see Tally.
“Want me to keep it for later?” Lily asked.
I didn’t but she and Cassidy had gone to an awful lot of trouble. “That would be great, Lil. Thank you.”
Peggy raised her eyebrow and eyed me suspiciously. Always one step ahead. All knowing.
“Where are you off to?” she asked. “To get this fresh air.”
“I’ll maybe take a ride out to the creek. I haven’t tested it yet this week.” It was a lie; I’d tested it two days ago. Regular as clockwork since Dad had poisoned it a couple of years back.
“It can wait, Wild.” Nash pushed his chair back and moved to stand.
“No, Nash, eat your lunch. I’m fine.”
“Why don’t you go take a nap instead,” he suggested.
“A ride will do me good.”
Peggy snorted.
“Are you okay Grandma?” Bertie asked and reached to pat Peggy’s hand. “Momma, you maybe should mash Grandma’s food like Billy’s next Sunday.”
We all started to laugh except for Peggy who pouted like a toddler.
While everyone began chattering again, I quietly snuck out. Pushing my feet into my boots at the front door and grabbing my jacket, there was only one place I was going.
I found Tally in the stables, brushing down one of the ranch horses. It wasn’t part of her job, it was a task the stable hands usually took on, but I wasn’t surprised to see her doing it. She worked hard and just because she was Gunner’s assistant it didn’t mean she wouldn’t do the menial jobs.
“Who’s this?” I asked moving up behind her.
“Maverick. Came in yesterday.” She glanced over her shoulder and flashed me a grin. Eyes the color of wet moss, shining with questions. “Aren’t you supposed to be eating lunch?”
“Wasn’t hungry.”
I stepped in closer, the warmth from her back blooming against my chest, spreading through the stall like sunlight pooling on worn wood.
Reaching around, I ran a hand down the horse's back, feeling the gentle curve of his strong spine. The long tail swished back and forth as he enjoyed the extra attention.
“Why’s he here?” I asked, always interested in the miracles she and my brother were able to perform.
“He’s a show jumper who won’t jump.”
“He’s a nice horse.”
“He’s worth a few million dollars. Got bronze in the last Olympic games.”
I stayed silent, simply enjoying the peace that I always felt being with her. The quiet. The serenity.
“You’re brooding,” she finally said, starting to brush Maverick’s mane. “It’s loud.”
“Can’t be rainbows and sparkles all the time, Brownie.” I drew in a breath, inhaling the smell of her perfume and something else, something sweet. Something like sunshine.
That was what she was, sunshine on a cold, cloudy day.
“You’re not fooling me, Miller. What’s going on?”
“Wow, just the surname,” I scoffed. “I really am in trouble.”
I could practically hear her eyes rolling as she let out a huffed breath. “Sarcasm doesn’t cut it with me, Wilder. What’s going on?”
She dropped the brush into the caddy on the floor and slowly turned.
The warmth from the work had seen her get rid of her jacket and my eyes went immediately to the curve of her breasts against her tight t-shirt.
It had a V-shaped neck, low enough to see the curve of her cleavage.
Her skin was naturally tanned, like she’d just spent the summer on a Californian beach. Beautiful.
“You can stop looking at my boobs now and tell me what’s wrong,” she chastised with a long sigh. Then her tone softened. “You know you can tell me anything.”
I pulled the letter out of my back pocket and handed it to her. It was folded; creases practically burned into the paper after reading it so many times.
“What is it?” she asked, slowly opening it, her eyes scanning the page.
“It’s from him.” I wanted to run, but my legs were shaking too much.
“Your dad.” Tally blinked, her finger gripping the letter as she continued to read.
“He wants to see me.” I laughed. “You know that obviously because it says it there.”
My fingers grabbed for the letter, but my hands were trembling too much to be able to keep hold of it. Tally dropped her hand to her side, the letter still between her fingertips.
She licked her lips as she looked at me. “You don’t have to be okay with this,” she whispered. “You just have to be honest about what you want, Wilder.”
Pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes, I groaned. “I don’t know. I have no clue what I want. I know I thought I wanted to see him, but now I don’t know.”
“What did you want from the visit?” she asked, leaning closer. “When you thought that you wanted it to happen.”
What the hell was I hoping for? Answers that would most probably be lies.
“I don’t know, Brownie. I just wonder sometimes if…fuck, I need to understand so much.”
“Like what, honey?” Her small hand cradled my face, like it was a delicate piece of China that she was afraid might crack. “What answers did you want from him?”
I covered her hand with mine, feeling myself more and more grounded with each passing second of our touch. Feeling less and less like we were just sex.
“If I was a different kid, would he have been a different father? Why did he cheat on my mom? Why did he cheat us? Betray all of us? Why didn’t he love us enough?
” My breath was sharp against my lungs as I struggled to pull it in.
“Why do I struggle to let people in? Because even this, Brownie, saying my fears out loud, feels like standing in the middle of a storm, naked. No shelter. No armor. Every person I’ve ever cared about has either died or decided I wasn’t worth staying for.
So yeah, I keep people at arm’s length. It’s easier than watching them realize I’m not enough.
That’s why I’m scared about this, us. What if I lose this? Lose us.”
She didn’t flinch. “Come here,” she whispered. “Let me in and I’ll take care of you.”
I dropped my forehead to hers, pulled in by the calm in her voice and the quiet strength in her touch. And as the silence settled, I reached for her hand and pressed it to my chest so she could feel the truth of it.
“I was adamant you were just a distraction,” I told her, hoping she could feel how fast my pulse was beating. “Now I’m scared that you’re the only thing that keeps me steady.”
She didn’t reply. She just looked at me. Saw me. And that was enough.