Chapter 23
Miss Independent – Kelly Clarkson
Tally
Have you ever felt like your emotions are too big for your body?
Like your chest is too tight, your skin itches with pressure, and your throat closes around the words you can’t say?
That was how I felt, standing in front of Wilder while he avoided my eyes.
With his hands shoved deep into his pockets, he looked out of place.
Uncomfortable. Like he wasn’t the same man who’d once strutted through my cabin naked, all swagger and ease.
Like he hadn’t curled up on my sofa, tossing popcorn in his mouth and laughing at whatever nonsense we were watching on TV.
I blinked hard, focusing on the wall behind his shoulder. My throat felt raw like I’d swallowed glass. Pins of disappointment stabbing with each distant breath that Wilder exhaled, without looking at me, my fingers curling tighter in on themselves.
“Things have just gotten on top of me the last couple of days,” he lied.
I knew it was a lie because his gaze landed anywhere but on me. I could withstand anything but lies. Lies and indifference.
“Maybe you should just go then,” I told him, pushing back the break in my voice. “Neither of us have time for baggage, Wilder. That’s not what we were ever about.”
Startled eyes swung up to me as he took a step back.
“What? Did you think I’d let you ignore me for two days, barely speak to me earlier at the camp paddock, let you stand here, where you clearly don’t want to be, and then invite you into my bed?”
“Brownie I—”
“Nuh-uh.” I cut him short and strode to the door.
“That cute little nickname isn’t going to cut it.
” I yanked the door open and with a deep breath stood to one side.
“When you’ve figured out whether you want to be here or not, then you let me know.
But, until then, we’ll take it that you don’t, and I do not beg Mr. Miller. ”
“I don’t want you to, I’m just so…”
I gave him a couple of seconds, but he gave me nothing.
“Yep, thought so.” I held the door open wider and looked down at the floor.
As much as I liked him and could easily have invited him to stay, I had to stay strong. I had hormones but I also had pride.
“I’ll see you around.”
He lingered for another couple of seconds, but then he left. Not able to watch, I let the door slam shut.
My knees wobbled with the weight of it, the urge to collapse and sob almost dragging me to the floor.
But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I stiffened my spine and clung to the only things that kept me upright—dirty dishes, rumpled laundry, the ache in my hands as I scrubbed and folded like my life depended on it.
Anything to drown out the roar in my head.
My chest echoed with emptiness as my heart banged against my rib cage as I stared at the pillow next to mine.
The pillow next to mine that was unmarked, cold, empty.
The faint trace of his woodsy cologne had already faded, leaving only the sterile, bitter scent of laundry detergent.
His boots weren’t by the door. His echo wasn’t in the room.
For half a second when I opened my eyes I forgot that things had changed.
That there never would be an indent in that pillow again.
There couldn’t be. Not unless he came back to me and said things would be different, that when shit hit the fan he would talk to me, not close himself off and ignore me.
He was supposed to be an adult, so he needed to damn well act like one.
By the time I walked into the office, I was resolved that my day wouldn’t be overshadowed by Wilder Miller. Luckily I hadn’t seen him on the way over to the office.
“Morning. You look happy.” I pulled out my chair and sat down. “What’s happened? Or should I not ask?”
“The new stallion’s arriving today.” Gunner clapped his hands excitedly. “Wait until you see him in the flesh.”
“How’s he getting here?” I turned on my computer before going to pour myself a mug of coffee. My legs dragged like they were filled with wet sand. Even the sharp bitterness of the coffee barely cut through the fog clouding my head.
“Jack drove him to his brother's stables in Edgewood for a few days, so Mikey and Benny went to meet him a few hours down the road. Should be back in a couple of hours because they got on the road at four this morning.”
Hugging the mug to my chest, I turned to see him bouncing up and down in his seat. “This is like Christmas for you isn’t it?”
My chair creaked as I sat down, sounding as weary as I felt.
“It’s the start, Tally. We get this right and one day you might be able to say we bred a Triple Crown winner.”
The joy Gunner obviously felt was infectious as a smile started to twitch at my lips. “Let’s hope Songbird loves him as much as you do.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Do horses fall in love? Or is it all just physical?”
Instantly my mind went back to Wilder. The physical attraction between us had been immediate.
We’d had a couple of months dancing around each other, flirting, catching each other’s gaze at dinner when I was staying at the main house.
Then he brought me a casserole over from Lily.
We’d both had a long, hard day and one thing led to another.
And now…now it was over.
“I’m not sure,” I responded around a swallow, distracting myself by looking over a training plan. Anything other than thinking about Wilder. “Never really thought about it.”
Silence fell, but it felt awkward, not like our usual happy working quiet. When the floorboards creaked, I knew Gunner had noticed it, too.
“What’s going on, Tally?” He perched himself on the edge of my desk. “You don’t seem yourself.”
Schooling a smile, I looked up at him. “How do you work that out?”
“I think we’ve worked together long enough.” He took the arms of my chair and turned me to face him. “Would the long face have anything to do with my little brother?”
My heart slammed against my ribcage as Gunner looked at me expectantly.
“Wilder?” I asked, flicking my tongue along the length of my bottom lip. “Not sure what you’re talking about.”
He gave me a knowing smile, crossing his legs at the ankles. “He’s looking like misery is his best friend, and that isn’t just because he went to visit our beloved father.”
“I have no idea why his bad mood would have anything to do with me?” My voice was tight and thin as my fingers gripped the arms of my chair.
“What the hell is it with you two?” Gunner sighed and shook his head. “Both pretending that things aren’t serious. It’s obvious.”
What did I say? Admit it? Deny it? Burst into tears because I was starting to feel things that I shouldn’t?
“Okay. You don’t have to say anything, but if it is my brother that’s got you looking like a long wet summer, there’s something you should know about him.”
He paused but when I didn’t fill in the gap, he grinned.
“I’ll tell you anyway,” he continued. “He thinks he’s got it all together where relationships are concerned.
But he really doesn’t. He’s a great brother, uncle and brother-in-law, and do you know why?
” I shook my head. “Because all those are unconditional relationships. If he thinks it's with someone who might walk away, well, then he’s not so good.”
Crossing his arms over his chest, Gunner blew out a breath and I knew that he was going to give me something deep.
“He handled Mom’s death by trying to keep us upbeat.
He thought if he was the one to make us laugh we wouldn’t leave, which is why when Nash left for college he was really pissed with him.
” He pushed off the desk and tapped my shoulder.
“The point is, Tally, he might just self-sabotage if he thinks it will save him the heartache in the long-term. And the other point is, if he does that then it’s because he cares… a lot.”
My pulse sped up at his words, at the idea that Wilder maybe…
Walking back to his desk he paused and swiveled back around. “I guess what I’m saying, Tally, is don’t give up on him. He just needs some time to realize that you’re just as crazy about him as he is about you.”
Whistling, he strolled out of the office, leaving me more confused than ever.