Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
Dear Journal (NOT a fucking diary!),
I’m so fucking confused. When I first came to Mystic Hollow, I swore off men for good. Based on my piss-poor experience, the risk isn’t worth it. But lately, I’ve started to think maybe, just maybe, I might want to try again.
Last night, I had to admit to myself that I’m only starting to have these thoughts because of one person—or rather, sasquatch.
There’s something between me and Hal, a connection I can’t describe.
It’s too soon to say if it’s anything that could become love, but I think it might be more than friendship.
My libido has never been real strong, but it’s been totally MIA since everything went down with Damien.
I can tell Hal’s interested in me, but I haven’t gotten “fuck me” vibes from him, which is a fucking relief.
He’s not the kind of guy who’d pressure or force anyone into something they don’t want, and that’s probably why I’m so comfortable with him.
He’s… kinda great. But my heart’s still raw from being burned to hell and back.
Ugh. It’s like I’m some angsty teenager again, trying to figure out all the weird emotions messing around inside.
All I know is that when Hal carried me to bed after I fell asleep on the couch last night, being in his arms felt like where I was meant to be.
Yeah, I know, super fucking cheesy, but I own it.
I haven’t been able to think about much else all morning. That means something, right?
—Skylar Wright’s Personal Journal
Skylar
“You’re looking well,” Dr. P says as soon as she sees me on screen. She arches an eyebrow. “Dare I say, even rather happy?”
I grin. “Yeah. It finally feels like I have control over my life again, and I’m moving in the right direction.”
I give her a quick update on how things are going with the salon and how I’m going to be helping out with the Harvest Festival. When I finish, Dr. P studies me quietly for a long moment, then smiles.
“Tell me more about Hal. You’ve mentioned him a lot. I’m sensing there might be a connection there.”
“Dammit, Doc. You’re way too fucking observant.” I grumble. “You beat me to the punch.”
“Comes with the profession, I’m afraid,” she says. “Now dish the deets, as you young folks like to say.”
I run a hand through my hair and pop a Craving Crusher, courtesy of Hal, to curb my sudden nicotine craving.
“It’s fucking complicated.”
“These things usually are,” she replies with amusement.
That makes me sigh. “Hal’s real fucking cool. He runs the B&B and is probably the sweetest, most caring guy I’ve ever met. We’ve become friends since I moved in, but lately I’ve kinda sensed there might be something more there. Or the potential for it, I guess.”
“Hmm. And how do you feel about that?”
I roll my eyes. “Way to bust out the generic shrink line on me, Doc.”
“It has its uses.”
I snicker. “Yeah, yeah.”
She waves her hand to get me to continue.
I sigh. “I like Hal. A lot. More than I’ve liked anyone since the early days when I first met Damien.
” I frown. “But with Hal, it’s different.
I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like—well, when me and Damien got together, I’ve realized I was more attracted to his promises of love and devotion than to him, right? But it’s not like that with Hal.”
Dr. P nods encouragingly. “What is it like then?”
I think about that, my mind replaying recent interactions between us.
“Warm, special. I can talk to him and he listens. He’s genuinely interested in what I have to say, and I feel the same about him.
When we’re not together at the house, I think about him a lot and look forward to when I’ll see him later.
We have fun together, but I’m also, I dunno, at peace when I’m with him, not on edge. There’s no pressure of any kind.”
“It sounds like Hal is definitely a safe space in your life. But is that all he is?”
I’m startled by her words and really consider what she’s asking.
Then I shake my head. “Hal’s so much more than that.
He’s smart, and cute, and so fucking kind.
Like, I just found out he basically has his own free Meals on Wheels service where he makes food for some of his elderly neighbors once a week.
” I shake my head in awe. “He’s amazing and inspires me to be a better person and give back too.
I’ve spent so long just trying to survive that I couldn’t see very far past my own troubles.
But here, now, it’s like my vision has expanded.
Part of it’s this town and the safety I’ve found here, as well as all the welcoming residents, but a lot of it is Hal.
” I swallow thickly. “He’s special to me, so much that I’ve noticed I get a bit jealous when Hal’s giving others attention. ”
Especially macho half-minotaur police chiefs.
Dr. P scribbles something on her notepad.
“Jealousy is a natural human emotion so long as you don’t let it control you or your behavior. What’s important to figure out is why you’re experiencing it.”
Much to my chagrin, I start tearing up all of a sudden. I know the answer. I’ve known since it happened, but I haven’t wanted to fully face it.
“It’s because I don’t want to share him with others. Fuck. I want to be his number one person and have him be mine.” I wipe a hand down my face. “But I’m scared shitless about getting into another romantic relationship.”
“Why? Like you’ve said, Hal isn’t anything like Damien.”
I frown. “My self-confidence is all fucked up in the relationship department. Hal’s so fucking awesome, and I’m worried I’m not even remotely good enough for him.
He deserves someone fucking extraordinary.
Me, I’m just a former runaway with no family, no money, and a whole shit ton of fucked-up emotional baggage. ”
“You undervalue yourself,” Dr. P says, her voice soft but firm. “You’ve experienced and overcome more hardship than most. You’re a survivor, and you’re stronger than you think.”
I shift uncomfortably under her praise. “I suppose. But let’s be real, what the hell do I have to offer someone like Hal?”
Dr. P leans back in her chair. “What do you think it is that Hal wants and needs in a partner? It might not be what you assume. From what you’ve told me about him, I don’t imagine any of your concerns about yourself are things he’d hold against you.”
Dammit, but she’s right. Hal has never treated me different, even after I let some details about my past slip out.
“I encourage you to really consider what Hal might be looking for in a partner. Maybe even be upfront and ask him.” She smiles. “It sounds like he is incredibly caring and giving, but is anyone doing the same for him?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. I’ve wondered the very same thing.
“You’re right. Hal takes care of everyone, but I haven’t really seen anyone do that for him.
Or at least, not like he deserves.” I hesitate.
“He… uh… loves to read romance. The guy’s a total romantic, but in an old-school way.
A real fucking gentleman, you know? I kinda wanna do something special for him, like in those books, but I don’t know what. ”
Dr. P chuckles. “He sounds wonderful. If he is a bit more old-fashioned, he’d almost certainly be fine with taking things slowly.
There’s no need to rush into something serious.
You can take your time exploring the deeper connection you feel.
Go on dates, spend more time together, take it step by step.
” She grins. “And if he likes romance novels, why don’t you read a few to come up with some ways to woo him? ”
I don’t tell her that I already started reading some of Ryder’s books not too long ago.
“So you think I should give this a try?” I ask, half hesitant and half hopeful.
“Only you can decide that, Skylar. All I suggest is that you try to set aside your fears and think about what you truly want with Hal. Maybe that’s only friendship, or perhaps it could be more.
Don’t give Damien the power to sabotage any future relationships if you truly want them.
You deserve love, and you have a lot of it to give to someone else too.
If and when the time is right for you, you’ll know. ”
I worry my bottom lip with my teeth, and my voice comes out small and quiet when I say, “I’m scared about sex.”
Dr. P’s expression sobers. “That’s totally understandable after what you’ve been through.”
I take a shaky breath and decide to share something I’ve started to understand about myself in this whole year of therapy and my recent journaling.
“It’s taken me a while, but I’ve realized that in most of my relationships before Damien, sex was transactional.
I gave guys what they wanted and they kept a roof over my head and food in my belly.
It wasn’t exactly sex work, but in retrospect, it wasn’t all that far off.
And sex work isn’t wrong if you choose it, but I was just a dumb, desperate, lonely kid.
With Damien, I went along with his desires because he convinced me that sex was how he needed to express his love for me.
” I grimace. “Age did not bring wisdom. I was still fuckin’ dumb, I know.
Then, after everything with him went from bad to worse, I—”
My voice cuts out as dark memories fill my mind.
Dr. P lets me gather myself and then says, “Many sexual assault survivors find it difficult to enjoy physical intimacy, especially at first. For some, it lasts a lifetime. Trauma affects us in different ways, and there’s nothing wrong with not being ready for that, now or ever.
” She tilts her head to the side. “However, from our conversations, I’ve started to wonder if you’re perhaps demisexual or somewhere on the asexual spectrum. ”
I blink at her. “What does that mean?”