Chapter Twenty-Five
“All right,” Rachel said quietly, settling herself down at the kitchen table. “She’s asleep.”
“I’ll make us some tea,” Adam said, moving toward the kettle.
Rachel started to rise. “I can do that. I didn’t realize you wanted tea.”
“Rachel, sit.” He stopped what he was doing and turned to face her directly, hands on his hips.
Rachel was so surprised that she dropped back into her seat without argument, looking up at him.
“You’ve had enough stress in your day,” he said.
“I don’t want you worrying about anything else right now.
Just sit there and let me make the tea, please. ”
Rachel managed a small smile. “All right,” she agreed, relaxing slightly in her chair.
She had gotten used to allowing Adam to help her with various household tasks, but letting him do something for her…that was different. After all, this was still her job, and he was still her employer. Things were very friendly between them, but it wasn’t as if they were friends.
Sometimes, though, it did seem that way.
When had things changed?
Was it irresponsible of her to allow them to shift the way they were?
No, there’s nothing wrong with letting him become my friend. Why shouldn’t I have a friend? The fact that I work for him is no reason to allow myself to worry about that. It doesn’t change anything.
She cleared her throat as he began to heat the water. “Adam,” she said, turning her chair away from the table so that she could face him without getting up, “I have to thank you for what you did.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he said. His voice was frank, simple and surprised. He probably thought that was the truth—that he hadn’t done anything worth receiving thanks for.
“You did,” she told him. “Allowing Jennifer to stay here. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
“Any decent person would have done the same,” he told her.
His voice didn’t change, but his shoulders grew tense, and he paused for a moment in the preparation of the tea, as if overwhelmed.
During that pause, Rachel couldn’t seem to draw breath.
It was as if the mood in the kitchen was a fragile thing that could be destroyed if she spoke the wrong words.
He cleared his throat and went back to what he had been doing, pulling down two cups for their tea. “I’m just glad she got away from Levine when she did,” he said.
“I can’t believe he struck her,” Rachel murmured.
Just the thought of it turned her stomach.
How frightened Jennifer must have been! How horrifying it must have been to enter into that confrontation, only to realize that she was in physical danger.
For all the dark moments of her own life, Rachel had never been in the presence of a man who had wanted to harm her physically.
God—I can’t imagine why You would have allowed Jennifer to be subjected to such a thing.
But I know that You have Your reasons for all that You do…
even if I am unable to see them. I must have trust in Your plan.
And I will. Even so…she paused in her prayer and took a deep breath to soothe her nerves.
Thank You. Thank You for not subjecting me to something so awful.
Thank You for not including that in Your plan for me.
Aloud, she said, “I knew my stepfather was an awful man, but I never imagined he could be this brutal.”
“Then you think he knew what kind of person Levine was?” Adam asked. The kettle began to whistle, and he poured hot water over the tea leaves in each of their cups.
“I think he must have known that Levine was a selfish and heartless man if the two of them exchanged letters,” Rachel said darkly.
“My stepfather is many things, but he is not a fool. He can recognize someone’s character when he sees it.
Of course he knew that Levine was no good.
Whether he could have guessed that Levine would turn violent…
well, that I couldn’t say. I don’t know.
But he certainly could have known that Levine was cruel and would make a bad husband. ”
Adam brought the cups of tea over to the table. He set one in front of Rachel. Then, briefly, he rested a hand on her shoulder.
Rachel closed her eyes, surprised at the strength that brief touch gave her. His warm, steady hand was a reminder, and one she sorely needed—she was not alone right now. Someone was on her side.
Adam went to his own seat with his cup of tea and sat down.
He took a slow sip. Rachel waited, hoping that he would speak and break the silence.
She felt vulnerable, suddenly. She had let Adam see far more into the inner workings of her family than she had ever intended anybody would.
It hadn’t all happened today, either, she knew.
She had been giving him glimpses into her past for a while now.
How could I have allowed myself to open up to him so much?
And yet, was it truly a mistake? If he hadn’t understood, to some degree, the sort of man Nathan is, would he have been so quick to offer Jennifer a place to stay?
Finally, Adam did speak. “He’s a monster,” he said quietly.
He had managed to surprise her after all.
His voice was thick with a tension she had not expected to hear.
Looking up at him, she saw that she had missed how intensely he was reacting to the situation.
His knuckles were white on the cup in his hand.
His shoulders were high around his ears.
His jaw worked, twitching with effort. He was fighting to stay calm, not to allow himself to explode.
“Levine?” she asked. “He’s a terrible man, to raise his hand to a woman like that.”
But he shook his head. “Levine is a monster,” he agreed.
“But that…doesn’t come as a surprise to me.
I hate to say this to you, Rachel, but I’m not surprised to learn that Levine did something like that.
It’s exactly the sort of thing he would do.
I wish I’d intervened in some way, spared your sister from having to learn this the hard way… ”
“We tried to intervene,” Rachel reminded him quietly.
“You told me what Levine was. I told her. Short of kidnapping her and dragging her off, I don’t know what more we could have done.
She had to realize it for herself.” And perhaps that was God’s plan, much as I hate to think it.
Perhaps He understood that this was the only way she would free herself from that dreadful situation.
If this was what had to happen to make her turn away from Levine…
well, I certainly am glad she won’t be marrying him, I can say that much.
“I know we told her,” Adam agreed. “But I can’t help thinking now that we should have done just that. Dragged her off. Forced her away from him. Because if we had, she wouldn’t have suffered like this.”
“We can’t know what would have happened,” Rachel reminded him.
“I feel the same way you do, Adam. I also wish there was something we could have done.” Her heart ached with the wish.
It was painful to believe that she had always been helpless in the matter—the guilt of action being possible would have been easier, she thought, than this powerless feeling.
“But what if we had? What if we’d dragged her away from him without getting her to understand why it was important?
” She leaned across the table, both hands wrapped around her teacup, and held his gaze.
“What do you think she would have done?”
Adam was quiet for a moment. “I suppose she’d have run back to him as soon as she could.”
“That’s what I think too,” Rachel murmured. “At least this way, we know she understands why she shouldn’t go back. We know that she won’t be trying to go back. And that has to be better.” I have to believe that it’s better.
He said nothing. He stared into his teacup as if the answers might be there.
“Adam?”
He looked up at her.
“You said he’s a monster,” Rachel said. “But when I asked you if you meant Levine, you said no.”
There was only one person he could have meant. She didn’t need to ask. And yet, a part of her wanted to hear him say it.
“Nathan Foster,” he bit out through gritted teeth. “That man ought to be locked up somewhere.”
The way those words felt…Rachel would never have been able to explain it to him.
No one who hadn’t spent years of their life under Nathan Foster’s thumb could possibly understand.
All the nights she had spent lying in bed wondering whether it was some flaw in her that made her stepfather look at her the way he did.
All the days she had wondered whether there was anything she could do to be considered a part of her own family.
In his words, she heard the answer she had longed to believe was true.
It isn’t my fault. It was never my fault. It was always him. He was always a bad man. A bad husband, a bad father…just as Adam says. He’s a monster.
Adam drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “He might be worse than Ted Levine,” he growled. “If he isn’t, it’s a very close thing. To think that any man would speak about his own daughter like that—would contemplate giving her away to a man he knew to be cruel. I just can’t fathom it.”
“But he’s never cared.” A lump had appeared in Rachel’s throat.
“You know, Adam, all this time I thought that maybe he was angry with my mother. I thought that he was so cold to her because she had let him down in some way. But now I can see that I was entirely wrong about that. She didn’t do anything wrong.
He probably believes he loves her.” Her voice broke.
“She probably believes he loves her. They think that this is what love is. But it’s not.
No one could ever love someone and treat them the way Nathan Foster treats my mother, or Jennifer.
I always knew that he despised me, and I always felt I had it the worst of anyone in my family. But I didn’t.”
“I saw the way he treated you.” Adam pressed his lips together until they were white. “Don’t try to say there was anything okay about that.”
“No. That’s not what I’m saying,” she told him, and now, to her horror, she felt tears begin to gather at the corners of her eyes.
Control yourself. I’m sure Adam has had enough of women crying in his kitchen for one day.
“I know it wasn’t right. But at least I never had to feel as though his mistreatment was love.
At least I always knew it for what it really was.
I feel as if I’m the lucky one. He could never manipulate me, and it was easy for me to leave. ”
Adam’s arm twitched. His fingers flexed. Then, suddenly, but with extreme gentleness, he reached across the table and rested his hand on top of hers.
“I’m glad you left,” he said quietly. “I’m glad you found your way out of that house.”
“So am I,” she assured him. “I know how lucky I am to have freed myself. Believe me. I will always be grateful. Look at how hard it was for Jennifer. She sat here convinced that she had made the wrong choice…that she ought to go back to a man who had hurt her…I would never have done that. I’m so lucky to have had the strength and the experience to realize I don’t need to. ”
“I just can’t believe you can see yourself as lucky,” Adam marveled. “Going through all that…how can you walk away feeling that way about it? How can you think that you were fortunate in any way?”
“Can’t you see how I was?” she asked him. “When I think of my mother…” For a moment it became very difficult to speak. She swallowed hard several times.
He waited, unmoving, not interrupting, his eyes on her.
She swallowed once more and pressed on. “When I think of my mother,” she said, “stuck in that house and unable to find the strength to leave…I thank God for whatever strength He gave me, and whatever struggle I had to go through in order to find that strength. I’m so thankful that I was able to free myself from that life. ”
She stood up and carried her cup to the sink, even though she had hardly managed to drink any of her tea.
The idea of having anything at all in her stomach right now made her feel slightly ill.
She trembled, just thinking of all Jennifer had been through, knowing that her mother was still in Nathan Foster’s house.
Adam stood too. “Is there anything I can do for you right now?” he asked quietly.
“I’m going to go to bed, I think,” she said. “Ruth is in the bunkhouse with Jennifer, but she should have someone she knows there just in case she wakes up. I don’t want her to feel frightened.”
Adam nodded. “She can stay as long as she needs to,” he said, putting a hand on Rachel’s shoulder again. “I want you to know that. I am in no rush for her to move on.”
“Thank you.” Rachel leaned into his touch once more.
As it had on the night Mason had gone missing, proximity to Adam wrapped around her like a quilt and soothed her. Everything that worried her was muffled by his nearness, and the more she leaned into him, the less she could feel her fears.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, and she was certain he must be feeling the same thing.
She looked up at him. He was gazing down at her. Their eyes locked, searching one another.
The air crackled with tension.
He raised a hand to her face. His thumb brushed her cheek.
He was so, so close to her. He was leaning ever closer.
He’s going to kiss me.
She couldn’t have said where the thought came from.
It sprang up whole in her mind, as though someone had spoken the words.
Rachel’s heart beat faster at the thought.
It was a wild thing to imagine, but she was going to let him.
She wanted to understand this mystery, the connection between a man and a woman, and Adam was the person she wanted to explore it with.
I’m going to let him kiss me.
She closed her eyes. Her lips parted slightly. Any moment now, she would feel the brush of his lips, and then…
His hand left her face. A rush of cold air passed before her.
She opened her eyes.
He’d stepped back. His gaze had moved to a point over her shoulder.
“You’d better go,” he said quietly. “I’ll see you and Jennifer in the morning.”
Rachel turned away before he could see the humiliation on her face—the heat spreading through her cheeks that she was sure had caused a flush, the tears stinging her eyes.
Of course he doesn’t think of me like that. He probably doesn’t even find me that beautiful. Of course he doesn’t want to kiss me. I was such a fool to imagine he would!
She turned and ran out of the house and into the night.