Chapter 20 #2
The carriage rolled to a stop; its wheels crunched over the gravel drive loudly and Theodora sat frozen inside. Her gloved hands clenched tightly in her lap as her pulse quickened like it usually did before she saw him. The footman opened the door with a practiced flourish.
“Miss Dowell,” he said politely, “we have arrived.”
“Give me a moment,” she murmured.
He nodded and backed away as Theodora pressed her eyes shut.
She had spent the entire night battling her thoughts, her own logic, her pride, and the strange, ungovernable feeling inside her chest that refused to be categorized.
Last night had been… terrifying. She wasn’t sure which word fit best to describe the feelings she experienced whenever Alexander was nearby.
When he kissed her, she found herself wanting more and it frightened her because she had no idea what more meant. And that was precisely why she was at Hawthorne House. She had proven her hypothesis, gathered all the necessary data, and reached her conclusion.
Love is an illusion.
A chemical trick, similar to illness that causes women to ‘fall’ for men who are practiced in the art of seduction.
And the Scarlet Duke is a master of seduction.
She had proven her hypothesis, and it was going to hurt a lot of people, especially her friends who had fallen deeply in love with their husbands. She inhaled sharply, opened her eyes, and stepped out of the carriage.
It is time to end this.
The sky was gray with the promise of rain. It reflected how Theodora felt as she looked up at Hawthorne House which loomed before her. She climbed the stairs unsteadily and the door opened before she could knock.
“Miss Dowell,” Mr. Carson, Alexander’s butler, greeted her with a bow. “His Grace is expecting you.”
She frowned at the elderly man.
Expecting her?
Her stomach twisted.
“Thank you, Mr. Carson,” she said, forcing a calm tone. “Please take me to him.”
Mr. Carson led her through the familiar halls, past portraits of stern-faced Hawthornes and polished marble floors that reflected her anxious footsteps. They stopped before Alexander’s study door for a second before the butler opened the door.
“Your Grace, Miss Dowell has arrived.”
Theodora took one last breath, squared her shoulders, and entered Alexander’s study.
He stood tall by the window, staring at the road ahead.
Theodora knew then that he was probably watching her when she arrived.
Alexander turned towards her and his entire expression brightened in a way that made her heart lurch painfully.
“Thank you, Mr. Carson,” he said warmly. “You may leave us and do close the door behind you.”
Mr. Carson hesitated and Theodora watched as Alexander nodded to his butler who raised a brow suspiciously before he left them alone. The door clicked shut and her breath caught.
“You came.” Alexander’s hazel eyes burned right through her.
“I did,” she said stiffly. “But not for the reason you think.”
He strode towards her, slowly and tauntingly. “Then what is the reason for this visit?”
She swallowed. “I have come to end…this.”
She gestured between them and Alexander stopped in his tracks. A smirk pulled at the corner of his lips.
“End what, exactly?”
“Whatever is happening between us,” she said, forcing the words out. “It needs to stop.”
His eyes narrowed at her. “Why?”
“Because,” she said, lifting her chin, “I have completed my experiment. I have proven my point. And I no longer require your assistance.”
He stared at her for a long moment with an unreadable expression.
Then he let out a bark of laughter. “You are a coward!”
Theodora’s fists clenched at her sides. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” he said as he walked around his desk and sat down. “You are always running away from the things you want to run toward.”
“I do not want you,” she snapped. “I am ending something that should never have begun in the first place.”
He scoffed. “You kissed me…may times. You seem to enjoy the pleasure I have given you. Or have you forgotten that?”
“You offered to help with my experiment!”
“And you accepted my offer. Quite happily, I may add.” She wanted to wipe his smirk off his face.
Her cheeks burned. “That was a mistake, and I realize that now.”
“No,” he said confidently. “It was not a mistake.”
She glared at him. “You are ridiculous. You cannot tell me what happened between us was not a mistake when I feel that it is.”
“Perhaps you are concerned that if this continues it will prove your experiment wrong.”
This time Theodora laughed. “Are you implying that I have fallen in love with you?”
Alexander shrugged and said nothing more. She could not believe his arrogance. She shook her head and laughed humorlessly.
“I would rather die a spinster than fall in love with a man like you.”
“When you say it so passionately like that, it is hard to believe you.” He grinned and leaned back into his chair.
Theodora ignored him and continued, “I am an intellect and have no time for a silly pursuit such as love.”
“You are an intellect,” he said simply. “And I respect that. But you need to realize that perhaps you are feeling—”
“I feel nothing!” She clenched her fists tighter.
He raised a brow. “Nothing at all?”
“You are not the type of man I can feel anything for,” she said coldly but her voice wavered.
Alexander got up suddenly and stalked towards her. He stopped close enough that she could feel the heat of his body.
“If you feel nothing,” he said softly, “then why do you tremble whenever I am near?”
She took a step back. “Do not come near me.”
Alexander did not listen; he walked in her direction. “I thought you did not want to see me again.”
“I did not,” she said and took another step away from him. “And I still do not. I simply came to end things.”
“Then why did you not write to me?” He frowned at her.
“I was unsure if you were home because you disappeared for a week with no note! So, I decided to tell you in person. I could not risk someone finding the letter.” She lifted her chin stubbornly as her back hit against a shelf.
There was no way to escape him, and Alexander did not stop approaching.
“I am curious, Theodora. Are there not more stages in your experiment to complete? Or did you complete them with someone else?” He was now towering over her, and she felt it hard to concentrate.
“You think so little of me! You know there is another stage but—” She thought about stage seven.
Alexander stopped and tilted his head.
“But?”
“But,” she said through gritted teeth, “I refuse to continue my experiment with a man who is known for seducing women!”
His brows creased. He tilted his head back and laughed.
Theodora bristled. “Do not laugh at me.”
“Where,” he asked, still amused, “did you hear such stories?”
She glared at him through her lashes. “I heard about your legendary pursuits with courtesans. Three, to be exact.”
Alexander’s expression shifted from surprise to disbelief. Then a slow, cocky smile appeared on his lips.
“Ah,” he said. “That rumor.”
“It is true, then?”
“Not entirely,” he said firmly and she could hear the pride in his tone.
“You truly are a rake,” she muttered under her breath.
He closed the distance between them but did not touch her. Theodora gripped the sides of her skirts so she would not be tempted to grab him and pull him closer.
“Theodora,” he said quietly, “you should know that, other than my sister, I have not spent time with another woman since the day we began your experiment.”
She froze.
“I took your work seriously,” he continued. “Even if you doubt me.”
She could not speak but she felt a sense of relief as he spoke.
“And as for my so-called legendary pursuits…” He shook his head. “That was a long time ago. That was my past. I am a single gentleman; I do not have to explain myself to you because you are clearly not interested in marrying me or anyone for that matter. So why should any of that bother you?”
“It does not…I just do not want to be taken for a fool.” Her voice was rough with emotion.
“That was not my intention. I only wanted to help you with your experiment because I am merely curious.”
She stared at him, searching his face for any sign of deception but when she found none her shoulders loosened just slightly.
“If you truly do not want to see me again,” he said softly, “then say it. But make sure it is what you want. Not something you are doing out of fear.”
Her eyes flashed. “I am tired of being told I am afraid!”
“Then stop acting like you are.”
She stepped up towards him; anger and confusion flared inside of her. “I told you that you do not get to decide what I feel!”
“Then tell me,” he growled. All sense of humor disappeared as he looked intently into her eyes. “Tell me what you truly feel like doing.”
“I—I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Yes, you do.”
She shook her head. “No. I do not. I do not understand any of this. I do not understand you or myself. And this experiment—”
Before she could finish, Alexander kissed her and Theodora realized that perhaps what she felt was not love or hysteria.
Perhaps she had been denying her lust for him, and that was perfectly normal because she did not experience this feeling with any other man but him.
It was the only explanation for the way her body caught on fire for Alexander and the way her tongue longed to taste every part of him.
Her hands fisted in his coat. His breath mingled with hers causing her heart to pound so loudly she could hear it in her ears. Theodora stood on her tiptoes and kissed him back desperately, angrily, and helplessly.
“This is wrong.” She broke away, breathless.
He touched her cheek, gently. “Then why does it feel right?”
She closed her eyes. She could not think. She couldn’t breathe. And she couldn’t lie.
When she opened her eyes again, something inside her had shifted. Theodora backed away from him, not to flee this time, but to steady herself.
I am not afraid.
“Alexander,” she said softly.
He waited patiently and she swallowed hard.
“I want to do the last stage of my experiment with you.”