Chapter 21 #2
Theodora closed her eyes, too wrecked to answer. But deep down, in the place where experiments ended and truth began, she already knew the verdict.
And despite the fact that she was done being afraid, this new feeling within her was absolutely terrifying.
* * *
What have I done?
Alexander lay on his back, one arm curled possessively around Theodora’s waist, her head resting on the slope of his shoulder.
The sheets were tangled around their legs, damp with sweat and the raw evidence of their joining.
He felt overwhelmed with an unknown feeling which he had never experienced after laying with a woman.
Theodora shifted but did not wake. Her breathing had slowed to something soft and even, but every few minutes a faint tremor still ran through her limbs like aftershocks.
He traced idle circles on her bare hip with his thumb, savoring the warmth of her skin and the way she fit against him as though she had always belonged there.
I am in trouble.
“Hmm.” Theodora suddenly awoke and lifted her head just enough to look at him.
“Is it time for my report?” he grinned at her and she scowled.
“How do you feel?” he asked groggily and he tried not to laugh.
“I feel…tired, satisfied and unsatisfied.”
Theodora frowned. “Unsatisfied?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Why?” a flash of hurt crossed her face.
Alexander cupped her chin. “I did not mean to insult you, Theo. I only meant that it was unsatisfying that you experienced the pain and I cannot wait to show you the pleasurable side of it.”
Her green eyes were heavy-lidded, but the familiar sharpness had returned. She was curious, and most probably searching for answers in that brain of hers.
“Alexander.” Her voice was rough from crying out his name. “Are we alone?”
“Yes,” he answered her simply.
“What happened to Rosalind?” He saw the worry in her eyes.
His hand stilled on her hip and he exhaled slowly, staring up at the shadowed canopy as though the answer might be written there.
“She is in the country,” he said at last. “Wiltshire. Where our old estate is.”
“Did something happen?” She cocked her head and the sight of her, above him, with just a sheet wrapped around her, stole his breath away.
“Nothing at all happened, she just…missed home,” he assured her.
“Oh, I was worried.” Theodora frowned.
“We went back for a week because she missed her friends. And she decided to stay behind.”
Alexander did not want to leave his sister, but she looked so happy in their country home that he did not feel like he could force her to come back to London. Theodora watched and waited. She didn’t prod or judge. She simply rested her palm flat over his heart and listened.
He swallowed. “She… was not well, as you know. But she tried to hold everything together for me. Which I only recently found out about. I was too busy drowning myself in every vice London could offer to see how much it was costing her; how sick she had become and how her smiles never reached her eyes anymore.”
His voice cracked. He hated the sound of it, but the words kept coming.
“The day I decided that she needed a friend, I came home one night, reeking of gin and cheap perfume, and found her in the drawing room. Every candle was burning and she was just… sitting there. Staring at the wall. I asked what was wrong and she looked at me like I was a stranger and said, ‘I am just tired, Alex.’ That was all. But those words sounded like a goodbye.”
Theodora’s fingers curled slightly against his chest.
“Is that when you asked me to help?”
He cleared his throat. “Yes.”
“We were worried about her at the Corset Chronicles because she left after that meeting.” Theodora’s eyes glistened.
“She had an amazing time with you all, so do not blame yourself or your friends. I just thought the country would help her even more,” he said quietly. “God knows that we both needed some fresh air.”
“I do hope she will return,” Theodora said softly.
“As do I, but I gave her a choice this time. She can either stay or come back to London with me.” He exhaled loudly. “I pray for the latter.”
Theodora smiled at him.
“What is it?” he asked her.
“You care for her a lot.”
“Of course, I do. She is all I’ve got.”
Silence settled between them.
“You are a good brother, Alex.”
“I hope that I am. I told myself I was protecting her. But in London…” He closed his eyes for a second. “She barely spoke. I felt like a terrible brother. And maybe I am.”
Theodora shifted, propping herself on one elbow so she could see his face more clearly.
“I do not know what happened to your parents,” she said softly.
“I am guessing that you both lost them, but you do not have to explain. To be young and suddenly responsible for an entire household and a sister who is falling apart, takes a lot of strength. And you did not leave her; you tried your best while holding your own. That is who the Scarlet Duke really is. A man who fights for those he loves.”
Alexander looked at her then, truly looked at her, and he was lost for words. No one had ever said such things to him before, and it made him feel seen in a world where he hid in dark places and fought wrongly.
“You did what you thought was best at the time. That is all any human can do,” Theodora continued.
“You are defending me?” he asked, half disbelieving. “After everything. After what I did to you tonight?”
Her lips curve, just the smallest amount. “I am not defending your choices. I am saying that you are human. And humans are allowed to be… catastrophically imperfect.”
He stared at her for a long moment, throat tight.
“No one ever looked at the mess I am and simply said… you tried,” he admitted quietly.
Theodora leaned forward and pressed the softest kiss to the corner of his mouth.
“You did try,” she whispered against his lips. “In your own broken way. And trying counts for something, even when the results hurt.”
He closed his eyes, letting her words sink in like balm over old wounds. Then he opened them again and pulled her closer, tucking her head back under his chin.
“Thank you,” he said. The words felt clumsy and inadequate, but they were all he had. “For listening.”
She nestled against him, one leg sliding between his, and her hand resting over his heart again.
“Do not get used to it,” she murmured.
Alexander laughed as her scent filled his lungs.
“Stay a little longer, sorceress,” he whispered, and her fingers traced lazy patterns on his chest.
He pressed his lips to the crown of her head, breathing her in.
“I need to go, Alex.” But she let out a soft yawn and he chuckled.
They lay tangled and warm. Alexander felt the tension bleed out of his shoulders, out of his chest, and out of the places he hadn’t even known he was holding tight.
Theodora’s breathing deepened as she fell asleep.
He listened to it for a long while, counting each inhale, and each exhale, until his own eyelids grew heavy.