Chapter 23
Theodora felt as though she was holding her breath as she slipped through the side entrance of Dowell House.
The world was quiet and suspended at that fragile moment before a catastrophe arrived and the world was changed.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she eased the door shut behind her and she felt relieved that she was met with silence.
Everyone is still asleep. How is that possible?
She pressed her back against the door and exhaled shakily. She had expected lit lamps in every window, servants whispering, and her father pacing the foyer with thunder in his eyes. But the house was still and peaceful.
That is good.
She needed time and space to think. Her mind was a storm brewing with thoughts of Alexander’s hands, voice, kiss, and now his lovemaking. Even the haunted look he gave her when he asked if he would see her again stirred absurd feelings within her.
She wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
Theodora tiptoed up the stairs, careful to avoid the creaky step near the landing.
Her chamber was only a few feet away. She could slip inside, close the door, and finally analyze everything that had happened.
There was an urgency to write her new observations.
She opened her door slowly, walked through the small space, and shut it silently behind her.
Her eyes landed on the desk and drawer with her notebook in it. Theodora rushed towards it, lit the lantern, took out her notebook, quill and ink and was just about to sit when she heard a small voice coming from her bed.
“Theodora Dowell, where have you been?”
Theodora turned slowly towards the voice and saw her mother sitting on her bed with sleep deprived eyes and mussed up hair.
Her stomach dropped. “Mother—I—”
Lady Dowell got up abruptly. She looked pale, exhausted, and deeply worried.
“I woke to find your bed empty,” she said, stepping closer. “I searched the house. I checked the garden and nearly woke your father. I have been terrified something happened to you!”
Theodora swallowed her guilt. “Did you… wake Father?”
“No,” her mother said simply. “I waited here in your chamber. Alone and praying that you were safe and would return.”
Relief washed over Theodora; the feeling was so strong that her knees nearly buckled. At least the scandal was contained. At least her father didn’t know and the servants weren’t whispering. But her mother—
She took a breath. “Mother… I was simply at Evelina’s; there was no need to fret.”
“Theo,” Lady Dowell said softly, “do not lie to me.”
Theodora’s eyes stung, but she held back the tears that threatened to fall.
“I am afraid to tell you the truth,” she choked on her words.
Her mother’s eyes widened. “And what is the truth?”
“I…” Theodora clasped her hands nervously together, trying to steady them.
“Why are you afraid to speak? I am your mother; you should be able to talk to me about anything.”
Her words pierced Theodora’s heart.
If I cannot confess one truth, I shall confess another.
“Mother…I have been conducting a scientific experiment.”
Her mother frowned. “That is no surprise. You are always conducting experiments. Is this experiment the reason you are sneaking into your chambers before the sunrise?”
“Yes, but this is a very…specific kind of experiment.” Theodora spoke slowly, forcing her voice to remain steady.
Lady Dowell crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, go on then? What is it about?”
Theodora inhaled deeply. “It is on human behavior, emotional responses and…on courtship.”
Lady Dowell’s eyes widened. “Oh, Theodora… are you saying that you have met someone?”
Theodora nearly choked. “Yes, but it is not what you think it is…or what you hope for it to be.”
Her mother approached her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “You can tell me, my dear.”
“All I know is that I am most definitely not in love.” Theodora shook her head but even as she said the words, she felt doubtful.
She had no idea what she was feeling because she had not yet processed her time with Alexander and what had transpired between them.
Lady Dowell smiled knowingly. “Of course. It is just an experiment.”
“Yes.” Theodora nodded but something about the way her mother looked at her made her question what she was really thinking. “Mother…although it is just an experiment, I must confess that my judgment was compromised by one of the men involved.”
Her mother gasped. “Compromised?”
“Not like that,” Theodora said quickly, mortified. “I meant I was emotionally compromised. He—the subject interfered with my data.”
Her mother gave her a gentle look. “Oh, Theodora, this is wonderful!”
Theodora frowned. “I disagree. It is not wonderful,” she said, pacing. “It is disastrous. I—” She cut herself off, face burning as she thought about all the improper, sinful things she had done with Alexander. Things she could not and would not tell her mother or any living soul.
All in the name of science.
She turned to her mother but didn’t stop her pacing.
“Go on, Theo,” Lady Dowell prodded.
“No, never mind what I said,” Theodora muttered under her breath, looked down, and paced faster.
“Well, you cannot leave me in suspense!”
Theodora sighed. “It is just that the subject has…changed a lot of my views on the experiment and I did not expect that.”
“What did you expect, darling?”
“I expected to be able to explain every feeling and thought about him in a scientific manner, but these thoughts and emotions transcend those explanations, and I do not know why.” Theodora stopped pacing and looked at her mother helplessly.
“You look unsettled.” She cocked her head curiously.
Theodora cleared her throat.
Is it that obvious?
“I am unsettled but I do not know why. For the first time, I simply do not have any answers and that troubles me more than anything else.” Her arms flew up in exasperation.
Lady Dowell sat back down on the bed, chuckling softly. “My darling girl… you do know that this is what happens when one falls in love.”
Theodora’s breath caught. “Mother. Please. I am not in love. I am in crisis.”
Her mother laughed gently. “Sometimes, love and crisis feel like the same thing.”
Theodora groaned and pressed her palms to her eyes.
Her mother’s tired expression softened. “You know, Theo, when I met your father, I felt the same confusion and fear. But I also felt a certain kind of… pull towards him.”
Theodora scoffed then quickly clapped a hand to her mouth.
“I apologize, Mother, I did not mean to—”
Lady Dowell smiled but it did not hide the sadness in her eyes. “It is quite all right, Theo. I know that your father and I have not been an ideal example to you and your sister. But despite everything, I believe we built a beautiful life together.”
Theodora stiffened.
A beautiful life.
Her stomach twisted painfully with truth and guilt. She felt suddenly lightheaded as she made her way to the edge of her bed. She sat beside her mother, hands trembling slightly. Lady Dowell continued to smile sweetly at her, completely oblivious to the secrets Theodora kept hidden within her mind.
Perhaps it is time I confessed all my truths.
Alexander’s words came to her then and as she looked at her mother, she could not deny that he was right. That she deserved to know the truth.
“Mother… there is something I must tell you,” she whispered.
Her mother’s brow furrowed with concern. “What is it?”
Theodora swallowed hard. Her throat felt tight as her chest constricted. She had carried her father’s secrets for months, letting them rot inside her. She had told herself it wasn’t her place and that it would destroy her mother.
But it was a white lie that she told herself to feel better about the situation. The truth mattered more than anything.
“I saw Father,” she whispered shakily, “with another woman.”
Lady Dowell went still then whispered so softly that Theodora almost missed it, “Theodora, do not jest about such things! If you are trying to change the topic then—”
“It is the truth, Mother!” Theodora exclaimed breathlessly before she continued, “While you were at Bath, I was meant to stay with Evelina, but I changed my mind and came home. The house was quiet; the servants were gone and that was when I caught Father with another woman. I did not know what to do. I did not know how to tell you because I did not want to hurt you.” She could not hold back the tears any longer as the truth spilled out of her.
Her mother stared at her, shock, and pain flickering across her face like cracks in porcelain.
Theodora reached for her hand. “I am so sorry. I should have told you sooner. I just—”
Lady Dowell squeezed Theodora’s hand then stood abruptly.
“Thank you, my dear… I just need a moment.” Her voice sounded small and weak.
“Mother—”
“I will speak to you later,” she cut Theodora off and quickly placed a soft kiss on her head. “Please be ready for breakfast soon.”
Lady Dowell left the room without another word, leaving her daughter alone with the weight of her confession pressing down on her like a stone.
Theodora had the sudden urge to run away.
She wondered if Alexander kept to his word and waited for any signs of distress.
A part of her was tempted to prove it, to run back outside, climb in his carriage and—
“This is absurd!” She cussed herself.
I should be thinking about my mother. Should I go after her? Is she all right? Will she be all right?
Theodora’s mind swirled with too many unanswered questions and her heart filled with dread.
“What did I do?” she whispered into the quietness and received no response except for the echo of her own voice.
* * *
Observation, Day Seven